Day 357

I collected Psalms for the October edition of my girls group.

 

And as I wrote each question for each Psalm, I paused and wondered which girl would receive what verse and what it would mean in the present state of her life.

When I saw Psalm 51:8, I thought to myself, “Whoever picks this is going to be going through a rough time right now…”

And as I opened my pocket today, I almost laughed as I read its words. 

 

Yup, I’m definitely going through a rough time right now.

When I say I’m miserable, I’m miserable.  I am fighting through misery to understand why God has me where He has me these days.  My heart is torn in fifty-million directions, aching and confused.  I don’t blame God for what I’m feeling, but neither do I know how to thank Him or find joy in my every day for what He has given me.

It is so easy to let a heart grow heavy and anxious.  It is so easy to not rejoice in His goodness.  It is so easy to complain, to cry, to pity oneself.

I can’t find peace.  I can’t find joy.

But stress finds me.  Jealousy finds me.  Anger resides in my heart.

Admittedly I haven’t been spending much time with God lately.  As it has a habit of doing, time moves so quickly, and in busyness, unfortunately, I fail to make a priority in intentionally spend time with Him and Him alone.

I prayed today when I returned home, and my hands went searching through my library.  Ten books I pulled down from the shelves and sat, flipping open to random pages, praying for vision, direction, comfort, understanding, and peace.

Lovingly, God always obliges when I ransack my shelving, taking me to pages that offer wisdom, comfort, and sense.

My soul, practice being alone with Christ.  O my soul, practice that solitude!  Practice dismissing the crowd!  Practice the stillness of your heart! (Streams in the Desert)

Stand firmly in the place where your dear Lord has put you, and do your best there…The strongest and greatest character is grown through hardship. (Streams in the Desert)

Linda didn’t fit in with the rest of the crowd, but the teacher fought for her, adored her, and gave her a way out.  God still loves me if no one else does, and He fights for me. (Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul)

When we worship in these hard places, we are reminded that none of it is about us—it’s about God. (What Happens When Women Say Yes to God)

Courage in suffering. (A Man Worth Waiting For)

The true nature of a heart is seen in the response to the unattractive. (And the Angels Were Silent)

Pray in three areas for your future spouse. (The Love Dare)

Young girl, I tell you to stand up!  Talitha, koum! (The Greatest Moments in the Life of Christ)

All of these notes mingled together, offering both unanimous and singular advice.

Then I read on through more of the Psalms, let the saddened feelings of David resonate within my own worries, but taking to heart his moments filled with light, worship, and hope.

Please give me peace for the coming days, God, and help me to remain close to You.  For there is no peace with You.  No joy.  No hope.  Please help me stay close, keeping You at the center of my weak heart.

Day 243

Rewatching the sermon series that started it all, North Point's Andy Stanley's The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating.  And I’m beginning to think, just like Bryan says there are books that he chooses to read once a year, it’s in my best interest to remind myself the values, direction, and suggestions Andy shares.

It’s hard to believe almost eight months have passed.  It’s been an amazing time.  Below are quotes from the sermons that began changing my heart.  They are packed full of wisdom, so these singular quotes don’t do them justice, but maybe it’ll offer an inkling of what stirred the fire in my heart.

·   Part 1, The Right Person Myth: She grew up in a religious home...She came to Atlanta and immersed herself in the singles dating culture...She's at this gathering, and...she met this guy.  And said this guy was, like, the total package.  The looks, the job, the personality.  As she began to listen to him talk, it was apparent he was Christian.  And not only was he a Christian, he was figuring out and committed to living out his faith in his job, living out his faith in his relationships, living out his faith in his dating relationships...Mature, good looking, and as she talked to him it brought back memories of some of the things she put on the backburner...She left that party, just wow...this guy, this guy, this guy...she goes home, and she starts telling her mom about this guy, and she's going on and on about how good-looking is he, and how he's Christian...and she said that her mother turned to her and said, "Sweetheart, the problem is, a guy like that is not looking for a girl like you."  She said she literally fell to the floor in a puddle of tears, and she cried and she cried and she cried, because she knew her mom was absolutely right. She said that was a defining moment for her as a single person. A defining moment where you know what, she's right...that guy that I'm looking for...he's not looking for someone like me.  In that moment, she decided life change, priorities changing, values changing, friendships changing.  I'm going a different direction with my life.

·   Part 2, Gentleman's Club: Jesus came along, He got it all started.  He got all those guys together and He said...I'm going to tell you something new.  John, get your pen out.  Now here it is, write this down.  New command, love one another—yeah, you in the back?  Even the women?  Even the women, there's no difference.  You talking about romantic love?  Not like a romantic love, but love one another as I have loved you...you're supposed to love one another.  Even the girls?  Yeah, shut up, even the girls.  I want you to look around this room, you have slaves, free people, you got all these people.  When you get together I want you to give equal love, concern, honor and respect to each other regardless of if they're slave, free, male, or female...all...Love one another as I have loved you.  By this the rest of the world will know that you're my follower...that you have love for one another.  By this, by the fact that you give this kind of honor and esteem to people regardless of their sex and regardless background, will tell the world, uh oh, something new is going on, by this one thing, people will know you're my follower.  That you love one another.  Men, do you know what that means?  Every single woman you are ever eyeball to eyeball with, in the office, in your studio, where you work, where you play, the neighborhood association, your mother-in-law, your wife's sister...every woman you’re eyeball to eyeball with, your Savior, who died for you, said, oh, by the way here's how I want you to treat her—I want you to love her like I love you...every time you're eyeball to eyeball with a woman you are looking at someone who is not only made in the image of God, you are looking at someone for whom Jesus Christ gave His life...be careful how you treat her.

·   Part 3, Designer Sex: Wait a minute, nobody's uniting, we're just having sex.  This little Greek word you've used here, Paul, this means like glue, like superglue, like permanent, like bonding, like intertwine, like scrambled eggs, like eggs and grit, like can't be sorted out, like permanent.  When I went down to the temple to have sex with the prostitute, I wasn't uniting with anybody...it was just a physical one-time thing.  I paid her a fee, we had a little religious ceremony, a little private thing, and I'm back, nobody's uniting with anybody.  Paul's over there going, 'That's because you don't understand sex—that when you have sex with a person there is a sense of permanence.  You become one with that person.'  One?  I didn't even know his name!  Again it was Spring Break, I wasn't trying to become one!  I was just kind of doing what my girlfriends did.  And Paul said, 'See that's the thing, you don't know.  Nobody told you.  It's not just physical.'  It's as deep, as soullish, and as personal as anything imaginable and God designed it that way, and you were designed to become one with one and when you continue to become one with person after person after person you damage your intimacy factor...you disconnect sex what it was intended for...and ladies, over time, you will become numb, and you will wonder why your husband can't awaken in you that which you expected.

·   Part 4, If I Were You: Every Saturday, in this city and cities all around, single people make promises that they can’t keep.  They mean to, it’s just that they make promises they are not prepared to keep.  Three, four weeks, or three or four months in, they realize, I know this is what I said, but this is hard, I really did mean it.  I meant it when I said it.  And…people get married and make vows they can’t fulfill, they just aren’t prepared.  And the reason they aren’t prepared is, when it comes to relationships promises are no substitute for preparation.  If you’ve ever entered a long distance race, you know all about this.  It’s one thing to sign up for the race, it’s another thing to prepare for it.  What determines if you finish the race…it’s whether or not you’ve prepared…When it comes to relationships, people think, ‘I can promise my way past my lack of preparation.’  Just because you say I do doesn’t make you able…Just because you say I do doesn’t make you capable…it only makes you accountable…and when you’re accountable for something you’re not capable of doing, it makes you miserable.

I’m not usually that person who pushes things, but, seriously, this sermon series is one of the best things we young singles can hear.  I strongly encourage anyone reading this to invest some time and listen to the series.  I’m eight months in—being single hasn’t killed me, much to everybody’s disbelief.  I am more full, more satisfied, more focused on Christ than I have ever been.  Doubt me?  There’s only one way to find out for yourself…

And Andy has four words for us:

Considerate it.  Do it.  Be the change.


(As a PS, here is a Google link to other sites of OYCers who took on Andy's challenge and survived!)

Day 234

Today was like any other day until I received an unexpected message from a friend 800 miles away.  Her sisters—essentially my sisters—had been in a car accident here in Memphis.

She asked that I go to them, and an hour later I was walking as fast my heels could carry me to the ER.  The first sister I saw was standing outside the building, exhausted.  I tried my best not to tear up as I delicately wrapped my arms around her bruised body.

As we walked inside, there the younger sister sat and it took all my strength not to squeeze her to death, elated that she was in one piece—albeit a little bruised, bloodied, and covered in her Starbucks strawberry frappuccino.

As they gathered their belongings, their brother, who had luckily not been in tow with the sisters, and his friends stood up from the uncomfortable chairs.  We all began to edge toward the door, but before we made it out, one of the friends asked, “Can we pray?  I think we should pray…”

We gathered in a circle, listening to the words he spoke, the prayers he prayed over the family, rejoicing over our God who gave them another day.

I mean, right there, in the middle of the hospital, he prayed.  I had never seen that before.

And right there, my heart was like, “Why can’t I do this?”

And then the questions came.

Why don’t I pray more?

Why don’t I pray with others?

Why can’t I pray confidently?

Why don’t I have a group who knows my prayers?

And I couldn’t think of any answers.

For the last two years I’ve wanted so desperately a group of women with whom I could consistently and openly share prayers.  And right now I have so many prayers.

I do great sharing them with God, but who do I really ask to pray with me?  And even though I have that longing, have I done anything to change it?  No…and so today was when I finally thought to myself I’m tired of that longing.

So I took a breath, wrote a message that hopefully displayed my intentions well, and sent it to about 50 women.

I don’t know how quite this will turn out, but much of it is truly just turning over my pride to God, if it doesn’t.  I’m hoping and praying and meditating for what’s to come.  God, this in Your hands, and I’ll move forward in whatever way You direct.  Even if that includes going back to drawing board empty handed.

Day 224

My favorite weddings are the ones where the bride and groom are goofy.  The type of couple that just laugh at life—those are the people I love to watch marry.

Because I promise you, my groom and I will be cutting up on our wedding day.  I might trip awkwardly down the aisle, laugh as we say our vows, smash cake in his face, breakdance on the dance floor, and laugh hysterically through it all.

That’s one of the many things I’m searching for as I grow up.  Just someone I can laugh with.  After the romance dies down, I want to know I’m marrying my best friend.  The person who doesn’t take life so seriously.  The person who can laugh at himself.

I know we’ll be different in so many ways, but I ask that God makes us compatible in two:

1.       Let our senses of humor feed off one another.

2.       Let him be the type of person who has “never met a stranger.”

I see so many good things for my life.  I see myself serving and helping and meeting so many new people, and I want him to be right there with me.

Right now I’m watching Friends with Benefits.  Now, I’m not pro-friends-with-benefits, nor have I ever been—but to watch the friendship/relationship that develops between Jamie and Dylan really just reminds me that I want that.

That laughter.  That baring your soul.  That freedom to joke.  The fun.  It’s fun to watch them.  And I pray for that.

I’ve heard from a lot of people that the closer you get to thirty, the more you know yourself.  The more secure you are in you.

And that has definitely been true for me.  I know more about myself now than I ever have.  I’m more confident.  More secure.  I know what I want and what I won’t settle for anymore.

And that reminds me that being single will always be better than settling.  And I’ll keep my heart open for that guy who comes along who can be my best friend, my lover, and my husband.

Though this is Memphis, where barbecue abounds, I know I’m somebody’s rib...and eventually he'll find me :)

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD (Proverbs 18:22).

Day 223

The cool thing about not trusting God is when He shows you exactly why you should and you realize you were an idiot for not doing so in the first place.

This last week was spent among friends.  So many different friends.  And I can’t even remember how many times I laughed.  But tonight was special.

When you think God can’t, He can.  Redemption.  Grace.  Love.

Why was I so angry?  Why was I so distrusting?

Sitting across from friends tonight I was just in awe of what an idiot I am.  Like, how can I not feel loved?  Forgiven?  A part of a group?

I may not have a set community anymore, but I’m loved, and what’s more, I’m loved through my stupidity.

There are friendships where you have to work at feeling comfortable with another person.  There are acquaintances that never warm up to me.  There are people around me I doubt even like me or care to get to know me.  I see them more often than other people in my life.

And I think that’s why when I sit down with people who just exude an aura of hey-I’m-here-to-laugh-and-I-don’t-care-what-you-think-of-yourself-because-I-love-you-because-God-loves-me, I just feel at home.

And I’ve missed that feeling for so long.  I’m a big enough idiot to walk away from it, and big enough idiot to complain about the path God takes me down.

Redemption, forgiveness, and grace are amazing things.  A friend who loves you, great.  A friend who you screw over and hurt, and loves you through it, and accepts that we’re all sinners—there’s something rare in that friendship.  Something to be treasured.  Because not only is God trying to do something through that, but they’re letting themselves be used by Him.

And I’m just so thankful that I can laugh with people I’ve hurt.  I’m so thankful they love me enough to try, to open themselves up again to me even though I’ve hurt them.  I’m so thankful for new friendships, for people who are open to my goofiness and ditzy-ness.  I’m so thankful for the people who let me be myself and love me for it and hug me when they see me and laugh at what I say or do or really whatever it takes to make me feel loved.

I don’t know what God has planned for me during these next months.  I don’t know who will be in my life and at what capacity, but I sure do treasure these moments He gives—the ones that shine His light and love on a heart that otherwise is so, so lost and insecure.

Thank you to my friends.  A big thank you to God.  And a big happy birthday to the beautiful, thoughtful, hilarious, fashionable, voluminous-haired Lauren Sullins.  I hope we’re friends for a long time to come, and thank you for loving me enough to let me share in your night of celebration!  Glad you were born :)

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate (Luke 15:22-23).

Day 219

I don’t know when it happened.

Maybe it was when Ava started crying…
And I realized that I could be a part of a child’s life without having to be a mom.  Holding her and loving on her gave me so much joy.  And if I never have kids, I can still love the children of those around me like I have the heart of a mom.  I can still experience smiles, laughs, heartbreaks, and love.

Maybe it was when we went shopping…
And I realized that even though I don’t have a large group of friends, God gave me a friend who can make me laugh, cares about me, and we can just chill and shop at Target and grab dinner and relate to one another in a very chill, laid back way.  That’s all I ever wanted—a friend who can encourage me and listen, but also shoot the breeze.  We don’t always have to have deep conversation, sometimes we can just enjoy the little things in life.  If I never have a big group—the “family” I imagined, that’s okay.

Maybe it was when I realized time changes everything and nothing…

Sitting across from her on the sofa, I came face to face with all the struggles we had gone through separately, and realized that being apart didn’t matter.  I can still be so close to someone even if it’s been years since I’ve seen them.  Maybe I realize some friendships don’t really dissolve even if it seems like time has taken us away from each other.  That friendship is still there, waiting to shine light and love in future situations in amazing ways.

Maybe it was when she walked into a room of family and friends…

And I realized I was a part of it.  I was loved enough to share in a special moment.  I felt special.  And I felt blessed to stand by as she and her new fiancé told their engagement story.  Again, I realized, quality over quantity.  And if one person loves me right now, then the gape in my heart should be a little less.

Maybe it was when he smiled at me…

And I realized I felt safe.  I felt safe with him, plus all my other guy friends.  I realized I am happy.  I’m happy being single.  I’m happy to have such great men in my life who devote their hearts to Christ.  I’m blessed to watch as these friends begin to date—to watch them pursue women and honor them.  It gives me hope one day that I should find a man who treats me likewise.  And I like having my guy friends—no pressure to be something I’m not, because there are no expectations.  I can appreciate them as a sister does a brother, no threat from either side of unwanted feelings.

And as I watch the world around me, I realize there's some happiness in me.  Though there are everyday annoyances and a heart that one day longs to be loved by one man, I am happy.  I’m happy not dating, I’m happy as a single girl, I’m happy as a friend, I’m happy as an employee.  I don’t have everything I want, but I have everything I need right now.

And now’s the time to soak it up.  Every.  Single.  Moment.  Enjoy the friendships.  Enjoy the rain.  Enjoy the small trips.  Enjoy the time alone.  Enjoy the cup of coffee.  Enjoy being goofy.

And that is exactly what I’m going to do.

Who’s with me?

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice (Philippians 4:4).

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure (Psalm 16:9).

Day 214

I stood outside of what once was Blue Coast Burrito.

A time capsule of sorts, I surveyed a piece of town in which I had not been for five life-changing years.  Across from the new Moe’s off Walker Avenue was my old apartment.

Ratty, dingy, and dirty, this complex was my home for a year.  The first year I lived in Memphis.

Standing in the parking lot reminded me of all the evenings, all the fights, all the pain, the confusion.  I was young and dumb—at 22, I knew nothing and thought I knew everything.  How I am still alive today, I have no clue aside from God’s grace.

We were in love.  I wanted love.  And what we thought was love wasn’t love at all.  Differences came.  And before we knew it, a tornado erupted.

Today I parked in the same parking place I did of that night—the night I knew it all was over.  I can’t remember which friend held me as I cried, but someone did.  And I remember wondering what was going to become of my life.

It was calming to stand there, to reminisce.  I felt no ill feelings, no remorse, no anger—I just felt at peace.  That was a time in my life that was very difficult, but also so very dear to me.  I didn't know then that, that would only be the starting point of the tragedies that would meet me in Memphis.  It was only the beginning.  It was our beginning.  It was my beginning.  The totality of it for me was that this was all in God’s plan.

If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have moved to Memphis.  If it weren’t for Memphis, I wouldn’t have found God.  If it weren’t for God, well, there’s no telling where I’d be right now.

All in His time, in His fashion.  When I see glimpses of what He has done in my life, from where He has brought me, I wonder why I don’t trust Him more.

Two months from now will mark my sixth year here in Memphis.

And maybe I remember that time in my life with such a fondness because I feel as if my time in Memphis is winding down.  I think of all it has provided me.  How retched it was and how glory came from it all.  The comparison is a treasure in itself.

It could be years before I leave, and that’s fine.  It’s the acknowledging in my soul that Memphis is not my last stop on this journey.  Living here is not permanent—as many things aren’t, but just a stage.  And I can’t help feeling that the next stage, whenever, wherever it may be, will hold some amazing moments that I can look back on and say, “He brought me here.  He brought me here with a purpose, with a reason, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is by His hand I make it day by day and am still alive to tell it so.”

To my ex I say, thank you, friend, for all that was and all that we came through.  We both can look back now at what we overcame, and look forward to what else life has in store.  I am happy you’ve moved on and laugh at how life has brought us back together here and there to catch up, reminisce, and pay tribute.  You were a worthy opponent, and I don’t just mean on Words with Friends.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Day 212

I noticed him as soon as I walked in.

He was on the other side of the room, behind the counter, maybe looking at inventory.

I paid him little mind as I scoured the shelves.  I was casual and seemingly disinterested as I tried on hats.  His coworker walked up beside me and gently started placing on my head different hats he liked.

At some point, I began to walk around the store again, and there he was, suddenly beside me.

Kevin.

Kevin was charming, to say the least.  We bonded right away, him having been born in San Francisco.  He placed a few different pieces on my head, his hands gingerly shifting the beautiful fabric into place.  His eyes remained locked on mine, sending my heart into a flutter.

As we talked it became obvious he wasn’t saved, though this changed nothing about the butterflies, unwilling to depart from their place in my stomach.  His hand met the small of my back as he led me to the mirror, which only incited the stirring further.

This afternoon made me think about a few things:

·         Flirting doesn’t change.  Even if you don’t date for a year.  No worries there.

·         Those moments I feel butterflies, I hold onto them.  I think of my future husband.  If a stranger can incite a mere fluttering of the heart, how much more will they spring forth when he comes along?  There is so much I’m saving for him.  So much for which my heart is excited.  Flirting is always a reminder to be steadfast in my waiting and longing for that which I long and wait is going to be a gift directly from Our Father.

·         It’s okay to long for something in a healthy way.  It keeps the heart alight and dependent on Christ.

·         None of the men who have flirted with me have asked me for my number or more time together.  This has been a blessing.  God is giving me practice right now.  I honored Him in my words and actions that afternoon, something I’m not known to do when it comes to dating or pre-dating.  It is important to note that I did not pursue.  I also did not prolong the conversation.  Two things at which I am terrible when it comes to dating.  I tend to initiate and try to keep the conversation flowing in hopes that I may urge him to ask me out.  No, instead I let him do it.  And that’s how it’s going to be from now on.  I refuse to ever pursue a man again.  I will respond, but never chase.  He is going to be the leader.  The man who is strong enough and determine enough to approach me, that’s who will have me.  Because I truly have found that if he doesn’t do it in the beginning, he’s not going to do, period.

·         When it comes to dating, it’s almost like buying a car.  You have to be willing to walk away.  If a man doesn’t pursue you and you’re handing him all the right signals, he doesn’t want to date you.  (And it may have nothing to do with you, keep that in mind. We’re all going through our own things.)  And if you ask him out, you’re doing two things: you’re pushing something that’s not meant to be, and you’re chasing him.  And men tend to not appreciate the gifts handed to them—actually, none of us do.  They like being leaders, being the pursuer, and doing the chasing.  Don’t give in to your wants and ask a man out.  Don’t do it.  A man who wants you will not let you walk away.  Of this I am sure.  And if he lets you walk away, walk away.  Be ready to trust God, even if your heart is tempting you to pursue.

When (and if) I begin dating again, it is going to look very different.  It already looks very different.  I look forward to how I date being different.  Christ as the center.  Christ has my heart.  And it is going to be an intentional man who receives His daughter—a daughter who has determined her ways in the way of waiting and obedience and honor.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!  Psalm 27:14

Day 208

When I saw him, my heart broke.

He walked up to my car, spirit fragmented.  He was still my friend—the one I remembered from high school, but he was also very, very different.

Aged.  Tormented.  Struggling.  Hopeless.

I had come to Christ the winter before this visit, and had not expected to share with anyone back home my new feelings.  But when I saw him, I knew.  I didn’t have a choice.  How could I withhold from him what had saved me?

We talked for hours in that parking lot.  I cried for him.  He cried.  He questioned.  And we continued to talk through the night.

At the end of it, I didn’t want to walk away.  I wanted to keep loving him.  To keep pouring into him.  And I vowed that I would.

When I returned to Memphis, I bought stationery.  I wrote a letter every week for several months.  I didn’t even know if he’d receive them, a nomad sojourning from home to home.  They were filled with words of encouragement, Scripture, promises from God and visions of what could be.  I filled each letter with a piece of my soul and God’s love and sent it to the only address he had given me.  And in my time of desperate need, Streams in the Desert had served as a bouy, so I also sent a copy his way, praying he would receive that and be blessed by it.

Throughout the months I continued to pray for him, but as time has a habit of doing, it slipped away from me.  My letters became fewer and fewer until none were sent at all.

When I returned for another visit in February this year, we didn’t see each other.  Time and opportunity didn’t allot for a reunion, and I left the state supposing he had forgotten me and the hope to which I had so desperately wanted him to cling.

This morning I finally decided to sort through four weeks of mail.

Junk, I murmured.  Ads.  Coupons.  Credit card applications.

Then there it was.  A plain envelope with the words scribbled on front: ONLY GOD CAN.

I flipped the envelope over.

His name was in the upper left corner.

Before I even opened the letter, my heart thumped.  Hot tears formed in my eyes, and I felt a sudden guilt for assuming none of it mattered.  The prayers, the texts, the letters…

Eager to read the contents, I tore through the folding and my pulse raced.

Simply, he unfolded his life for me.  He wrote about school, work, and his pastor.

His what?

Pastor.  Church.  Scripture.  God.

Paragraph after paragraph, I felt feelings of wonderment and remembrance be absorbed all over my body.  Just in awe of the words I was reading.

The beginning of my own journey with Christ was reflected in his words.  The curiousness.  The wonder.  The confusion.  I could sense his mind grasping to make sense of Christianity while trying to keep himself tethered to God in the midst of not fully understanding.

It’s a start, I thought.  A beautiful, beautiful, beautiful start.

We don’t understand how God uses us.  The smallest things we think mean nothing mean something!

God, I will share my life with anyone to whom You call me.  I am an advocate for sharing your life with people in an honest, loving way so that they may see how much God loves us.

I’m a terrible person! I cry.  Look at my hideous life!  Look at what I was, look at what I came through—but even more, look at me now!  Look at the love, the joy.  How immensely my life has changed because God has saved me!

Some believe a blog is narcissism at its core.  But I tell you, I write because I want to share my life with you.  I want you to know my struggles, my accomplishments, my joys, my pains, because it’s a door.

A door for non-believers to move past stereotypes and see we’re not so different.

A door for believers to know we share the same struggles.

A door for the in-betweens, those plagued with illnesses, those that have suffered serious tragedies.  Anybody.  Everybody.

You do not walk alone.  You are never alone.  And you cannot overcome it on your own.

But He can.

He walks with you, if only you’ll let Him.

And there is nothing more beautiful to a believer than when someone comes to Christ.

This is why I will spend my life, married or unmarried, seeking out those God calls me to seek.  To save.  To love.

Love comes in many forms.  But true love is in the way of the Lord.

And I will share that message, in any forum, in every forum, until I die.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another (John 13:34-35).

Day 207

God, I’m going to be blunt.

A husband is at the end of my list right now.  I know, the priority of the girl doing the OYC isn’t a husband right now?!

Gasp.

Yes, that has freaking fallen to the last of my list, because other things have finally taken the front seat!

What?!

Yeah!  A purpose beyond that of being a wife.

God, I need You to give me something I can be passionate about.

I feel and I’ve felt like I’ve been walking aimlessly now for the last…at least…year of my life.

My deepest desire is for the Kingdom.  I just don’t know how to serve it.  I don’t know how to use what I’m good at to save people.

I want to be passionate about something.

I want to be on fire.

I want to make a difference.

I want to change lives.

I want to do whatever You want me to do.

So what is it?

Or are you asking me, still, to wait?

And, if so, wait for what?

What are you showing me in this midst of the silence?

I am begging You…You see me down here on my knees, God?  Give me something to do!

I have at least two people in my life that are passionately pursuing their paths designed from You.  And I am so encouraged and challenged by their hearts.  They are amazing people, Christ!  Now could You please set a desire in me?  Or at least a path to get me to that point?

Where can I serve?  Who can I call out to?  Who can I disciple?

Freakin’ disciple me!  Bring somebody into my life that can lead me, guide me, show me, counsel me, push me!

God, give me these things so I can at least adequately and pursue Your heart!

Little bit frustrated.  Little bit challenged.  Overall excited.  But so desperate to find purpose.  Help, Christ and the Holy Spirit!  Lead me to the fount that will give an answer, a direction…

I love You, and I trust You.  You can do anything.  You can make the impossible, possible.

…my best friends can be saved.

…my family can be saved.

…my brother can be healed.

…I can be healed.

…you can make me a wife.

…and I know You can ignite inside me a passion for something.  Anything!

Let’s start making the impossible, possible, God, like only You can!

Day 205

I woke up at 5:30 in the morning, painfully cold.

For the third morning in a row, the set-to-freezing air conditioning in the beach house refused to let me sleep.  It was obvious God had bigger plans for me than a few extra hours of rest.  I heeded the call, albeit uncomfortably, and rose.

Before the rest of the house awoke, I showered, and made my way back to the beach for one last visit.

The morning was still.  Peaceful.  I walked down the row of colorful houses, admiring the freshness of the day.  Quietly, I began to sing...

Savior I come, quiet my soul, remember

Redemption's hill, where Your blood was spilled for my ransom

Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost

I hummed a little as I reached the top of the stairs right before the beach.  I sat and surveyed the ocean in all its morning glory.  The sand.  The blues of the water.  The quiet sky.  It was all much too beautiful and as the lyrics continued to run through my mind, the inevitable happened.

I started crying.  Almost to the point to where I was sobbing.

Everything I once held dear, it’s lost.  In my mind, I recounted where I stood a year ago.  Exactly to the day.  A week from today, last year, something would happen that would strike a fire—an initimate implosion that would change my life forever.  And I was fearful.  I was hurting.  I was in a terrible place.  I was a terrible person making terrible decisions.

Despite everything—everything—He stopped me.

He loved me enough to stop me.

And it’s exactly His love that brought on the outpouring of emotion in front of His beautiful creation this morning.

Redemption.  Much of this trip was an opportunity for redemption.

He gave me the chance to do certain things over.  To act differently.  To speak differently.  To be different.  And maybe most importantly for this time in my life—to see the difference.

I almost can’t believe just how much has changed since May of 2011.

Changes I had always deep down desired but never had reason or strength to pursue…He answered.  And I feel it.  I feel how I’ve changed.  And I feel Him.  I feel it like I can feel the wind on my face, the ocean waves lapping at my toes, the sand beneath my feet.

I know He exists, because who I am now—this complete transformation—has nothing to do with me or who I was.  I had not the strength, the will, nor the desire to change until He came into my life and rescued me.

He could have let me drown in my ocean of sin.  He could have let me die.  But He didn’t.

I am so grateful to God for showing me that I am not who I was 365 days ago.  I am so honored and humbled that He met me where I was and tore me from my worthless pursuits.  I am so thankful that He reminds me from where I came, and pushes me further, encouraging me to drive closer to Him.

And the closer I draw to Him, the farther away I walk from myself.

Today was a reminder of what was, what is, and because of Whose grace and compassion and love and righteousness and mercy that I am saved.

As I stood from my seat, I breathed a silent farewell to the image of majesty set before me, and wept tears of gratitude, humility, and love.  I feel Him now more than ever.  And it’s encouraging, overwhelming, scary, reassuring, and unbelievable all at once.

Day 198

I used to think that if a man sunk so low as to ask me out, I owed it to him to say yes.

Whoever asked me out was doing me a favor.  Horrible, ugly little girl I was, I was lucky to have anyone ask me out.

And I kept owing and paying until it was given and until He said stop.

And I stopped.

It’s been 198 days.

And something miraculous happened two weekends in a row.

After six months of never being asked out, I was asked out.

Two weekends in a row.

Two men that, in a former life, I would’ve weighed the little options I had, and said yes.

Instead I said no—though not because of the OYC, although it gave me a strong foundation that without I would have never had the strength to decline the same path I once traversed.

For once in my life—for twice in my life—I had standards.

What once was a pendulum, a melodic swinging of shifts, swinging between worthless and undeserving, was instead a scale.  On it, was me.  The new me.  New decisions.  New hope.  New standards.  New desires.  On the other side, was the old me.  The old decisions.  The old comforts.  The old deceptions.

So I said no. 

And saying no birthed two trains.

One, I really am changed and new in Christ, and can be stronger through Him.

But, two, with this new ability to walk away, I realized could very well be single forever.

I think this dawned on me Sunday while sitting in church.  Pastor was talking about marriage—praying about it for the congregation at the end of his sermon—and it took everything in me not to cry.

Why would I cry?  Because all I could hear was…

He’s not talking to you.
This isn’t meant for you.
This will never be you.

And sometimes I feel like I take ten steps back for every step forward.  Saw this on my Twitter feed:

And after all this, after all He has brought me through, I still struggle.  Still struggle to believe He is capable—beyond capable.

Less than six months to go and so still much to learn.

Day 152

Investments, we all make them.  This OYC is mine.  Tomorrow marks five months, and it’s kind of exciting to think about.

With all that has changed within five months, I thought about what the future may hold—how different I will be.  Will I really be different?  Will I be disciplined?

One of the reasons I’m terrified of dating again is the idle waiting.

I scanned memories of all my former relationships.  Yup, I either asked the boy out or manipulated the circumstances to make it happen.  Because I couldn’t wait.  This terrifies me.  If I change, if I don’t have control, if I give it to God, will it even happen?  Will I be pursued?  I’ve made my relationships over the last twelve years.  If I don’t make them, can I trust someone else will?

I have several beautiful, intelligent, funny, charming, hardworking women friends in my life.

And they’re single.  And it blows my mind.

I think of these women and, selfishly, I wonder if these women—the crème de la crop—aren’t betrothed yet, then what hope do I have?

I think it stands that men who don’t pursue women in the beginning are not as compelled to do things throughout the duration of the relationship for them, because they never had to try in the first place.

Every woman wants to be wanted.  I want to be wanted.  And the good thing about this challenge this training is that I am learning as desperately as I may want someone, desperation is not going to entice a man nor will it keep him.

I think God designed courtship in a very specific way.  I’m a believer that if a man doesn’t seek you in the beginning, he will not seek you throughout, and you’ll be miserable in the end.  Your days will be spent chasing after a boy you spent time in the beginning trying to convince to like you.

The women friends that I mentioned earlier have been a bright light from Christ.  I know their hearts, their desires, their hopes, and dreams.  Though they want a husband, they are steadfast in waiting for a man to pursue them.  I really admire this, and it really has set an example for me.  Women can be strong enough not to wilt in their values and expectations.

I brought my thoughts to God tonight, and He shared Jeremiah 29:13 with me.

You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

This is how I will know him, He says.  Not just Him, but him.

If I am meant to have a husband, he will seek me and find me when he seeks me with all of his heart.  I’ve learned by now what a lukewarm man will do—really, everything he won’t do.

And I truly believe that if and when God decides to bring someone special into my life, he will be determined to be a part of my life.  He will be determined to know me.  Because I’m an investment.

And by no means am I saying take, take, take and give nothing in return.  No, not at all.  But we shouldn’t give our hearts to men who aren’t interested in investing in us.

I want to know the man who is interested in me is an avid investor and not just a stockholder in the short selling game.

Because my Broker is telling me to sell high and never be bought low.

Day 147

It was last June that I made an agreement with God to be uncomfortable.

And by uncomfortable, I mean doing things I really wanted to do even if nobody else wanted to do them with me.  Like, going to see Disney’s Beauty and the Beast by myself, because no one else would go with me.

Today when my date to the wedding canceled, I was anxious.

By myself, God?  I know I told You I would put myself in uncomfortable situations, but this is different.  A wedding is personal—it’s not like a play.  I’m going to go and know absolutely no one.  I haven’t seen her in years, and You’re asking me to go to this wedding alone?  …okay.  I’ll follow You.

And so I dressed.  And I left my apartment, nervous.  Social situations always make me nervous.  So you can imagine how high my anxiety was at this point.

I drove down Walnut Grove to Houston Levee, and from Houston Levee turned on Raleigh LaGrange.  Most of my anxiety was lost when I roared down the curvy roads—something I love to do.  Not another car in sight.  A blessing and a gift!  God let me have some fun to cool my nerves.  Trees surrounded me.  Green was the only color I could see, and the path was beautiful.

Well, my GPS led me in the wrong direction.  I saw signs for a wedding at some point, but followed my misleading computer to a house.

Nooo, I’m pretty sure this isn’t it, GPS.  Where have you taken me?!  Aaahhh!

So I went back to the street where I saw the signs and followed it.  Ten minutes.  I had ten minutes to find my way to this mystery wedding, and I was quickly running out of time!

Where are you?  Maybe I should just turn around and go home!  Ugh, I would hate that!  All this effort just to turn around?  No!

And I’m glad I didn’t give up, because within the next minute I found myself at the location.  Still kind of lost, I rolled down my window to talk to a girl walking almost aimlessly.  Now if I had been with someone I wouldn’t have asked for directions, but because I was completely and utterly lost, I managed to ask, “Hey, can I ask you something?”  Yeah, I’m so suave.

She had her phone in hand.  “Yeah?”

“Are you going to Jessica’s wedding?”

She smiled and we made small talk about being lost.  She said I was headed in the right direction, and after I parked I noticed she was still outside.  She told me she was waiting on some friends, and I took this opportunity to introduce myself.

As I continued to talk and walk, I realized she was walking with me.

Yes!  I’m not going to be alone!  Thank You, God!  You delivered!

For a girl who has anxiety problems, this was a true gift from God to instantly make a friend on the way in.  And so we sat together for the rest of the service and when she left, I had befriended her friends, so I wasn’t alone ever.

And I enjoyed myself.  It was such a great day.

With the social aspect of the afternoon being taken care of, I was able to sit back, relax, and take in the beauty of it all.

I listened as the groom’s best friend sang Laura Story’s What a Savior.  I watched as they lit the eternity candle and shared their matrimonial kiss.  I watched as they joyfully danced down the aisle.  I watched as the bride broke out into an awesome dance with her dad at the end of their father-daughter ensemble to Safety Dance by Men with Hats.

The entire service was filled with so much goofiness, joy, and light-heartedness.

At the end of night, I saw the bride as I was leaving.  She hugged me and said, “I am so happy you came!  I was telling [the groom] I didn’t know if you would and I feel so bad because we haven’t had a chance to do anything with the dogs, but we’ll be home [then] and we can get together!”  And I walked to my car, feet as light as they’ve ever been.  And not just because of the wine!

Being comfortable only takes you so far.  Being uncomfortable stretches you!

Things I wouldn't otherwise do, I did them tonight, because I had to.  Getting lost, finding myself, asking for directions, meeting new people, dancing—God stretched me tonight.  And because I followed Him, I was given so much joy.  Driving down a beautiful road, meeting new people, hearing wonderful music, listening to a mini-sermon, watching two people proclaim their love, enjoying delicious food, talking to someone about their mission trip to Nicaragua, dancing to the always-awesome Cupid Shuffle, admiring a beautiful sunset, and, most importantly, and being okay.

Being okay in a situation that would have terrified me a year ago.

Uncomfortable can be transformed into comfortable when you trust God and let Him take the wheel.

I drove home from the wedding, happy and content, the wind playing through my hair.  My car perfectly traced the curvy road, and I sang Carrie Underwood songs at the top of my lungs.  Again, I was the only one on the street.

And as my headlights hit the rounds of trees, I felt so thankful.  Hope.  Reassurance.  Trust.  These were built today.  And I can’t wait to see what else God has up His sleeve.  In awe tonight, I think to myself just what my life would look like if I spent every day trusting Him and pushing myself.

Day 125

Tonight I sat in my living room with a friend while music played in the background.

We were listening to songs of his when I remembered a song of mine—the first and only song anyone has ever written me.

I went to the shelf on my entertainment center, and pulled out a disc.  I traced my fingers over the small black font, Jamie Dear lovingly inscribed on its surface.

Mr. Willis gave this to me after my world crashed a year ago—more than a year ago now.  Spirit flooded with sadness, no end in sight.  But his words met me where I needed them most.  In this place—the darkest place where I felt most alone.

I remember timidly opening the plastic case for the first time, curious as to what I would hear.  I was in my car on my way to Tabitha’s in rush hour traffic.  And I cried all the way down Poplar, which is a long way.

Hi, Jamie, dear

This one’s for you

We wish you well in all you do

A love has passed, not meant to be

A new love certain, out there in destiny

One lovely day, he’ll walk your way

You’ll know it’s real as your heart reveals

So, Jamie, dear

In this big wide world

Your fella’s there, and he is near

So, Jamie, dear

In this big wide world

Your fellow’s there, and he is near

So, keep the faith

And the dream will come true

‘Cause, Jamie, dear, he’s oh so near

Have a great romance, darling—we love you!

(Click here to listen.)

His lyrics resonated within me.  For the first time in months, this is when I would begin feel something instead of sadness.

And as I listened to his melodious voice tonight—in a different, but similar season of life—I appreciate the words meant only for me, and felt the same feeling I had then.

Hope.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be married.  I hope to be.

And it's said that hope is the greatest of all gifts we receive.

So, future husband, if you’re out there, I’m excited to meet you.  I’m excited to tell you about my life, about everything I’ve accomplished, the sacrifices I’ve made, and how I’ve waited for you.  I can’t wait to tell you how I’ve prayed to you, and I’m so excited to share how many other people have prayed for you without even knowing you!  Maybe one day we’ll meet.  And I hope we do.  Until then (and beyond), I have my God, I have love, and I have hope.

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us whatever we ask we know that we have what we asked of Him (1 John 5:14).

Day 87

I, I love you like a love song, baby

I, I love you like a love song, baby

I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hittin' re-pe-pe-pe-pe-peat

Like a Love Song, Selena Gomez

So here’s the thing.

I don’t care about the ring.  I care about who’s putting it on my finger.

And I don’t care about the wedding.  I care about who’s standing at the end of the aisle with me.

And I don’t care about a grand house.  I care about having a home.

Everyone has different preferences.  Many girls have an idea of what they want.  A man who can afford a large diamond.  A man who can afford a large house.  A wedding comparable to Kim Kardashian’s.

Well, all of that is nice.  It just isn’t me.

What I want is someone who loves me when the money is gone.  What I want is someone whose love grows deeper even still after our wedding day.  What I want is someone who, when we’re too old and grey to maintain the house, loves me and the life we lived together.

It’s not the money the man makes.  It’s not the mansion he can buy.  It’s not the glamour of the wedding.

The man I love will be the man whose heart connects with mine beyond the worldly wants.

This ring?  My grandmother wore it every day of her life.  No diamonds.  But an inscription that lives on even after both hearts have passed on.

Love.

Take the ring.  Take the money.  Take the house.

Give me true love, a heart for God, and I’ll never ask for more.

Day 78

Last night, I tried to drift off to sleep.  But I knew when the morning came I would be headed to church where I would receive this morning’s bulletin.

But not just any bulletin.

My bulletin with my words.

My heart started beating quicker as I walked in to the atrium today and it was handed to me.

And as I looked down, I saw my name.  By Jam Lin.

I sighed, a part of my heart sparked by seeing my words printed on something, and a part of me shrank back in humility.

Over the last few months I have received many compliments on my writing.  So many people have asked if I’ve ever pursued it.  Really?  Me?  Become a writer?  Noooooooo.  Wait?  Me?  Really?

And today Bryan spoke of Marguerite Johnson.  At a young age Marguerite was raped by her mother’s boyfriend, resulting in an experience so traumatizing that she refused to speak, becoming a mute.  She remained so for years until Bertha Flowers, an aristocrat and family friend, intentionally poured into her.  Marguerite would begin talking again years later, and in such a powerful way that we would only come to know her as Maya Angelou.

Maybe my Marguerite years are coming to an end.  Maybe one day I’ll be a famous writer, helping and encouraging hearts around the nation.

And maybe not.  Maybe I’ll remain unpublished.  But I’m finished being Marguerite.  Time to change the world.