Day 243

Rewatching the sermon series that started it all, North Point's Andy Stanley's The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating.  And I’m beginning to think, just like Bryan says there are books that he chooses to read once a year, it’s in my best interest to remind myself the values, direction, and suggestions Andy shares.

It’s hard to believe almost eight months have passed.  It’s been an amazing time.  Below are quotes from the sermons that began changing my heart.  They are packed full of wisdom, so these singular quotes don’t do them justice, but maybe it’ll offer an inkling of what stirred the fire in my heart.

·   Part 1, The Right Person Myth: She grew up in a religious home...She came to Atlanta and immersed herself in the singles dating culture...She's at this gathering, and...she met this guy.  And said this guy was, like, the total package.  The looks, the job, the personality.  As she began to listen to him talk, it was apparent he was Christian.  And not only was he a Christian, he was figuring out and committed to living out his faith in his job, living out his faith in his relationships, living out his faith in his dating relationships...Mature, good looking, and as she talked to him it brought back memories of some of the things she put on the backburner...She left that party, just wow...this guy, this guy, this guy...she goes home, and she starts telling her mom about this guy, and she's going on and on about how good-looking is he, and how he's Christian...and she said that her mother turned to her and said, "Sweetheart, the problem is, a guy like that is not looking for a girl like you."  She said she literally fell to the floor in a puddle of tears, and she cried and she cried and she cried, because she knew her mom was absolutely right. She said that was a defining moment for her as a single person. A defining moment where you know what, she's right...that guy that I'm looking for...he's not looking for someone like me.  In that moment, she decided life change, priorities changing, values changing, friendships changing.  I'm going a different direction with my life.

·   Part 2, Gentleman's Club: Jesus came along, He got it all started.  He got all those guys together and He said...I'm going to tell you something new.  John, get your pen out.  Now here it is, write this down.  New command, love one another—yeah, you in the back?  Even the women?  Even the women, there's no difference.  You talking about romantic love?  Not like a romantic love, but love one another as I have loved you...you're supposed to love one another.  Even the girls?  Yeah, shut up, even the girls.  I want you to look around this room, you have slaves, free people, you got all these people.  When you get together I want you to give equal love, concern, honor and respect to each other regardless of if they're slave, free, male, or female...all...Love one another as I have loved you.  By this the rest of the world will know that you're my follower...that you have love for one another.  By this, by the fact that you give this kind of honor and esteem to people regardless of their sex and regardless background, will tell the world, uh oh, something new is going on, by this one thing, people will know you're my follower.  That you love one another.  Men, do you know what that means?  Every single woman you are ever eyeball to eyeball with, in the office, in your studio, where you work, where you play, the neighborhood association, your mother-in-law, your wife's sister...every woman you’re eyeball to eyeball with, your Savior, who died for you, said, oh, by the way here's how I want you to treat her—I want you to love her like I love you...every time you're eyeball to eyeball with a woman you are looking at someone who is not only made in the image of God, you are looking at someone for whom Jesus Christ gave His life...be careful how you treat her.

·   Part 3, Designer Sex: Wait a minute, nobody's uniting, we're just having sex.  This little Greek word you've used here, Paul, this means like glue, like superglue, like permanent, like bonding, like intertwine, like scrambled eggs, like eggs and grit, like can't be sorted out, like permanent.  When I went down to the temple to have sex with the prostitute, I wasn't uniting with anybody...it was just a physical one-time thing.  I paid her a fee, we had a little religious ceremony, a little private thing, and I'm back, nobody's uniting with anybody.  Paul's over there going, 'That's because you don't understand sex—that when you have sex with a person there is a sense of permanence.  You become one with that person.'  One?  I didn't even know his name!  Again it was Spring Break, I wasn't trying to become one!  I was just kind of doing what my girlfriends did.  And Paul said, 'See that's the thing, you don't know.  Nobody told you.  It's not just physical.'  It's as deep, as soullish, and as personal as anything imaginable and God designed it that way, and you were designed to become one with one and when you continue to become one with person after person after person you damage your intimacy factor...you disconnect sex what it was intended for...and ladies, over time, you will become numb, and you will wonder why your husband can't awaken in you that which you expected.

·   Part 4, If I Were You: Every Saturday, in this city and cities all around, single people make promises that they can’t keep.  They mean to, it’s just that they make promises they are not prepared to keep.  Three, four weeks, or three or four months in, they realize, I know this is what I said, but this is hard, I really did mean it.  I meant it when I said it.  And…people get married and make vows they can’t fulfill, they just aren’t prepared.  And the reason they aren’t prepared is, when it comes to relationships promises are no substitute for preparation.  If you’ve ever entered a long distance race, you know all about this.  It’s one thing to sign up for the race, it’s another thing to prepare for it.  What determines if you finish the race…it’s whether or not you’ve prepared…When it comes to relationships, people think, ‘I can promise my way past my lack of preparation.’  Just because you say I do doesn’t make you able…Just because you say I do doesn’t make you capable…it only makes you accountable…and when you’re accountable for something you’re not capable of doing, it makes you miserable.

I’m not usually that person who pushes things, but, seriously, this sermon series is one of the best things we young singles can hear.  I strongly encourage anyone reading this to invest some time and listen to the series.  I’m eight months in—being single hasn’t killed me, much to everybody’s disbelief.  I am more full, more satisfied, more focused on Christ than I have ever been.  Doubt me?  There’s only one way to find out for yourself…

And Andy has four words for us:

Considerate it.  Do it.  Be the change.


(As a PS, here is a Google link to other sites of OYCers who took on Andy's challenge and survived!)

Day 48

“If you’re not a Christian, I do want to give you one tip about dating. Okay, here’s what it is: Non-Christians, don’t date a Christian unless you plan to become one. And let me tell you why. You don’t know they’re doing this to you and they’re going to hate me for telling you this, but this whole—when a Christian dates a non-Christian, it is all about bait-and-switch. You need to understand that. I can prove it. They’ve got you at church today.  See, they’re already working this, ‘Heeey, you want to go to church?’ Okay, you know, here’s the deal.  They do not accept you the way you are. They want you to become a Christian.  They want you to become a Christian, ‘cause their momma’s nervous, their daddy’s nervous, they know they shouldn’t be dating a non-Christian and they want you to become a Christian.  In fact, they’re really hating me right now, but you know what, I’m not the first person that has said this and as a non-Christian, I got to tell you, you’d be better off finding an honest Pagan, okay?  They will accept you just the way you are.  Christians will not.  And, I’m telling you, if you marry ‘em—if you marry a Christian they are going to want to set up shop…so, if you’re not a Christian I would be very, very careful about dating a Christian, because they have an agenda.” — Andy Stanley, Senior Pastor at Northpoint Community Church

1. Looks like the dating pool just got a little bit a lot smaller for me.  Non-Christians need not apply when I start dating again in 317 days.

2. I love Andy Stanley.  He’s hilarious.  Listen to his sermon.  Even if you’re not a Christian, there’s a lot of useful wisdom jam-packed in there.  The above excerpt is about 36 minutes into his series: The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating; Part 4: If I Were You.  Click on #4.

3. I want to start dating again.  Now.  The urge is creeping.  And I’m attracted to Christians and non-Christians alike.  Not happening with either, Jamie.  So suck it up, and keep pushing on.  No distractions or cheap imitations.  I’ve made it 26 years without settling, I refuse to let it happen now, and I refuse to let it happen 317+ days from now.

4. Agenda.  Yup.  He called it.  Christians have agendas.  Though I would never have admitted to it >:)  Friendships and relationships alike, we’re pulling for Christ all the way.

5. I honestly don’t think, as a woman and a new Christian, that I could date a non-Christian.  For women, with men having to meet the standard of being the spiritual leaders in the family, there is no way I’d be able to fill both pairs of shoes.

6. “What’d you get your boyfriend for Christmas?”  “Oh, if I had a boyfriend, you mean…”  “Oh,” which is then followed with pity, apologies, and promises for ‘maybe soon’.  Nobody died, dear, sweet customers at the bank.  There’s no funeral.  I’m still alive, people!  If my relationship status wasn’t on the mind of every sweet grandma and grandpa who wants to see me married, maybe I wouldn’t mind so much that I’m not.

Will.i.ever.be.married? to Will.i.am.okay.no.matter.what.

Day 12

Tired and lazy tonight.  I just want to curl up and go to bed.  Can’t really think, so here are some “bullet” thoughts for you.

I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.  Holidays are always difficult.  I don’t have family in Memphis.  I’m fine with it—I know that seems weird.  My family is on the west coast.  “Oh, don’t you miss California?” strangers ask.  No, I don’t.  I appreciate my past, but California really didn’t offer me much of anything.  It never felt like home to me.  Moving to Memphis was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  This is home, five years and counting.  Dorothy crashed in Oz and wanted to go home.  Going to back Cali—hmmm, I don’t think so.

If you could only see.  As you get older it becomes that much more difficult not only to find friends but to keep them.  That’s not one of the perks of moving to a new state when you’re older.  My pride is hurt the most when I try and reach out to people and they don’t reach back.  I’ve felt the sting before—it’s kind of like dating a man, thinking I’m not good enough—but part of me knows that’s not true.  God puts specific people in your life at specific times for specific purposes.  To force a friendship is not to have a friendship at all.  You're stretching out your arms to something that's just not there.  So, I am going to focus on the friendships I have, not be hurt about the ones not evolving, and appreciate the grace God has definitely delivered within the last couple of months. 

To my husband.  Last Sunday, listening to Andy Stanley was really difficult.  It broke my heart.  He told us one day we would meet someone we want to marry, which means one day we will have to reveal our story.  All of it.  Pain and everything.  “So what kind of story do you want to tell?” he asked.  I wrote down what he said next (which is funny—if you know Andy, it took me about 20 times replaying sermon #3 to fully write this down).  This is who I want to be:

I decided my story was going to be a different story.  And in spite of my past and my guilt and my sin that day I decided I want to learn to honor God with my body, and I signed up that day in my heart from this point forward as difficult as it's going to be, as strange as it's going to be, as dateless and as quiet and as lonely as it's going to be I want to honor God with my body specifically in the area of my sexuality—and that day you'll be able to say to your future spouse, you ready for this? I'm telling you this is a good story, that day you will be able to say—from that day forward I prepared for you, from that day forward I saved and reserved myself, my affection, my love and my body, for you.  From that day forward I dated with you in mind.  And as I have learned to honor God with my body before I say I do to you, I am ready to honor God with my body after I say I do with you...I have been from that moment on preparing for you.

Way before I heard this message, I started to keep a journal for my future husband.  Yes, a journal for my future husband.  I began in June, one of the most difficult months of my life.  I started praying for him months ago.  Not just to have him, but for his heart, for his walk, for his struggles.  I pray for us, for our marriage.  I write down scripture that’s important to me.  And one day I’ll be able to share it all with him.  One day, I’ll share how I waited for him in more ways than one.

The journal I keep for him.

Commercial appeal.  Last night I was sitting on my couch, watching TV.  I had this warm feeling come over me, and I saw, like a dream, a vision of me standing outside under a tree.  It was night and before me was a man on one knee.  I started crying.  I can’t explain it and I know that sounds crazy, but in that one moment I felt like God was reassuring me.  I’ve felt this same feeling twice before—this warm, light, loving feeling.  I can’t explain it.  And it’s funny, because after I opened my eyes on the television was a Kay Jewelers commercial.  That was funny, God. Thanks for that moment.  Reassurance.

Day 1

At the end of tonight, I know I made the right decision.

For the last 12 years of my life, I've been mistreated by men, and not only did I let them mistreat me, but I wanted them to mistreat me, if it meant I could feel loved.  I've believed lies about who I am and what I am worth.  For the last year of my life, after coming to Christ, I've tried to balance out relationships with boys with my new relationship with God.  It hasn't worked.

After this last week with its ups and downs, and realizations about my unhealthy relationship habits with all men, it's over.  Dating has taken a backseat to Christ.  Dating has taken a backseat.  Never before have I made this decision.

Listening to Andy Stanley tonight, I cried.  I listened to how a man is supposed to treat a woman.  We're not a commodity.  We're not to be disrespected.  We're to be honored, because we are "joint heirs" to the Kingdom of Christ.  The lies I've believed for so many years are beginning to be washed away by the redeeming love of God.

And so begins my journey.  Encouraged by two of the girls from church I made the decision to work on my relationship with God for this next year.  Three-hundred and sixty-five days.  I don't want any distractions.  I don't want to fall back into the pattern of an unhealthy dating relationship.  It's time to be a better woman, and not just for me, not just for my future him, but for Him.  Wish me luck, here I go.