Day 25

January 1, 2009.

July 2, 2009.

These were the two drunkest nights of my life.

I can’t remember what I did.  I had no idea who I was.  I was out of control.

And that is exactly how I feel tonight.

I am so lost.  And my emotions are out of control—running haywire.

God, what are you trying to teach me?  You’re Word says not to trust my heart, because my heart is misleading—but if I’m not to trust it, why is it so powerful?  Why do I still love people who have left me?  Why do I still like people who have pushed me away?  Why do I still feel so sad and so hurt, and so...ridiculous.

Today was filled with difficulties and I just feel so lost sometimes.

Am I following Your will?  What am I doing wrong?

What am I doing right?

I feel so lost and stupid.

December 18th is D-Day.  And I still can’t completely let him go.

Tomorrow will make it one month since that happened.  And I still can’t completely let him go.

The 25th came and went like nothing happened.  And I still can’t completely let him go.

Please help me get through this, God.  Heal me from these past mistakes.  Let me pass this test of Yours.  I’m tired of retaking it.  I’m tired of hurting, of being confused, of being angry, of not trusting…take it from me.  Please fill my life with friends who trust and love and want to be there with me.  Please fill my life with the right friends.  And please keep the men that will hurt me OUT OF MY LIFE.  I don’t know if I can handle anymore heartbreak.  Don’t let me give another guy dominion over my life like this!  Hurt owns me!  It’s obvious from my actions tonight, and I am so sorry to her for being completely awkward and possibly compromising the friendship we could have had, had I not let my jealousy, insecurity, or hurt get to me—uuuuuuuuuuuuugh!  I am a prisoner to my past pains, and I just want to be free.  I don’t want to be bound anymore.

All I want to do is curl up and push people away.

Day 24

Me, myself, and I.

So frustrated, so sad, so lonely...so angry.

How do I learn how to be a friend?

How do I force myself to be a committed friend?  Or will laziness always get in the way?

Will anyone ever be committed to me?  Or will things like husbands, boyfriends, families, work, school, laziness, better-things-to-do, and life always get in the way?

Dear Friends, Seinfeld, How I Met Your Mother, and The Big Bang Theory—are you realty?  Because that's what I want.  A core group of friends that I see on a regular basis who can share in and want to be in my life.

But I don’t live in the same building with anyone, few people live in my same zip code, none of my friends I work with live close to me, and I don’t have a roommate.  I don’t appreciate you showcasing these people eating dinner together and hanging out as often as you do, because it makes me want something unrealistic.  I want to be able to pick up the phone, say, “Let’s grab a quick cup of coffee,” not have the other person feel pressured, but rejoice in wanting to spend 15 minutes with me, and, dear God, let me be a better friend!

…let me be a better friend.

Day 23

Emotionally depleted tonight.  It’s Day 23, but it feels as if it’s been much longer.

God is teaching me something new about Him every day.  And in that, He’s also teaching me new things about me.

·         I like me.  I have hated myself for as long as I can remember.  I’ve wanted love for so long that I changed to try and make others love me.  After 3 weeks with God, I’m figuring out that I’m actually kind of cool—I think.  In an award way, I’m sure :)  I’m developing my sense of style—without having to wonder what a boyfriend (or boy, period) likes.  I get to be goofy, without wondering if I’m an embarrassment to him.  I get to be loving without wondering if I’m making him jealous or competing with him.  I get to spend time with my dogs.  I get to watch movies I want to watch.  I have opinions.  I know this all sounds so elementary, but I’ve tried for so long to make myself someone I’m not to earn love that I lost who I am naturally.  And now I get to be me, and in an even better way, I get to be me and know who I am with the unconditional love of God.

·         Praying for discomfort.  Ever since I read Bryan’s book, I’ve been praying for discomfort.  Now that doesn’t mean I’m not scared, because I am, but it means that I’m ready to be challenged, to grow.  And so I’ve had mean customers at work, I’ve had issues with friends, I’ve had money issues, I’ve had car issues, and now I’m going to experience having a roommate for a month!  This is my living room.

          

This is where my temporary roommate will be living :)  This is actually pretty exciting.  Two girls in a one bedroom apartment.  My friend is staying with me while her dorm is closed for winter break.  And I’m terrified (and I’ve warned her, yes) that I’m going to be a terrible roommate.  I’ve never lived with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend (pre-saved) or family (also pre-saved).  So I’m excited to grow and have my boundaries tested.

·         Friendships with men.  In addition to figuring out who I am, not-dating has opened the doors to having guys as friends.  No pressure, not looking at potential, and just seeing and valuing men for who they are and not what they could be.  Because that’s always what I’ve done.  I’ve seen a guy, seen our potential in a relationship, pursued him based off of my daydreams, and totally ignored getting to know him, because I just wanted someone to cuddle up with me.  I love that my perspective is changing.  It’s both cool and scary to feel the changes God is making to my heart.  Because I never thought I could be here, and it’s only because of Him that I am.

·         My OYC on Blogspot.  When I began this journal 23 days ago, I began it to document my journey in its completeness—happy, sad, detrimental, difficult, victories and failures—I want this to be something I can come back to and remember completely the thoughts and feelings I had.  I never anticipated anyone reading this.  But if you are here, if you are reading my words, know that I’m writing for myself, but that I am also writing for you.

If you’re my high school friend who is just curious about how I’m doing, this is for you.  If you’re an acquaintance who has never had a conversation with me, this is for you.  If you’re the person who feels alone, this is for you.  If you’re the girl struggling with self-worth and dating to sustain yourself, this is for you.  If you’re the guy struggling with sex, this for you.  If you’re the Christian who finds encouragement from another’s walk, this is for you.  If you’re the non-Christian who doesn’t understand, who rejects me, who unfriends me, who is curious, who wants to know more, but doesn’t want to feel pressured, who thinks being a Christian means you’re perfect (hah!), this is for you.  This is my life, this is who I am, and for everything it’s worth, you will know intimate pieces of my heart.  The best way I know to love someone is to tell them they’re not alone.  And, dear friend, you are not alone.  And as God would have it, in writing in this journal, I don’t feel alone.  And by giving love I now know more love than I have in the last 12 years of my life.  So thank you.

Day 22

Hey, Conviction, what’s up, man?  It’s been a couple days since I’ve seen you.

Yeah, I know.

Wait—what’s that you have…

Stab.

Hey, was that a knife?  What was that for?!   I hold my chest where I’ve been struck.

The racist jokes.

Stab.

Heeey, wait a minute!  I hold my side.  And that?

That was for the crude sex jokes.

Stab.  For your impatience.

Stab.  Your disparaging remarks about that other church.

Stab.  Holding onto pain.

Stab.  Judging others.

Stab.  Not committing to a church.

Stab.  Your reckless spending.

Stab.  For not trusting God.

At this point I look at myself.  Covered in blood, I grasp at my many wounds.  But as I run my fingers down the length of my body, I feel nothing.

Nothing.  Where are the wounds?

And suddenly two hands reach out to cradle my face.  It is not Conviction, but instead my confused gaze is met by eyes filled with grace, sorrow, and disappointment.

His hands direct my eyes to the ground before me.  It is not I who has taken the assault, but those around me—my coworkers, my friends, my ex-boyfriends, and people who have not yet even come into my life.

I see my coworkers, my family, my best friend, lost loves, loves that left, friends, potential friends, a potential husband, fellow Christians, and people I could have potentially saved.

Flustered, I turn to God and justify my actions.

But God, I’m from California—I’m the minority, I can joke like that!  I've always joked like that.  And my black friends?  They're the ones that joke around with me.  It’s okay if they’re okay with it, right?

What if the man I would have for you to marry is black?  Would you say those things to him and still respect him, honor him, love him?  What if your children are half-black?  Would you still find the jokes funny?  What about your cousins who are black?  What about your best friend who is black?  How can you truly love them? And I said…Ephesians 4:29. 

But the crude jokes, God—it’s funny.  That’s what she said!  Promiscuity.  Looseness.  People laugh.

What if the man I would have for you to marry has an STD?  Would you still laugh?  What if your best friend were to have an STD?  Would you still joke?  What if she has had an abortion?  What if she miscarried?  What if she lived a life devoted to sex and every time you joked about it, you hurt her, and brought her back to who she was?  What if you make her feel like less of a person and more than a failure?  Would you laugh while she cried?  And I said…Ephesians 5:4.

But God, these people are so annoying.  How can I possibly be patient?

They come to you for help.  What if you had no idea what you were doing?  What if you needed help from someone?  If you were just pushed to the side, because you were annoying, would you be okay?  What if I pushed you aside?  Have I?  Have I ever?  No.  And I said…Ephesians 4:1-3.

But God, that church isn’t serving You.  They failed me.  How can I be okay with others being misled?

I use everything.  Everything is under My control.  Whatever is before Me I can use to bring My people to Me.  When you open your mouth, it is yourself you condemn.  People do not see Christ in you when you tear down others out of your pain.  Did I mislead you?  You were saved through that church, so may others receive their salvation in the same manner.  And I said…Proverbs 16:28 and Proverbs 21:23.

But God, I can’t let the pain go.  You have not avenged me.  I must defend myself.

You want to talk about pain?  I killed My Son for you.  And I still love you.  And I said…Mark 11:25 and 1 John 4:19.

But God, I can’t help but judge.  Did You see what she wore?  Did You see her make-up?  Did You see how quickly he walked up to her, just because she’s pretty?  Did You see that unfit parent?  Did You see that snarky man?

You know not what others have endeavored nor endured.  You do not glorify Me when you tear down My children.  I have not judged you though you are but filthy rags.  I love you still.  And I said…Romans 12:10.

But God, I’ve never committed to a church.  I’m scared.  I can take my time, right?  I don’t need to be a member.  There’s no scripture about it.  I’m going to have to make an effort, and I just don’t have time or energy right now.

I committed to you.  My Son spent thirty years on earth and hung crucified on a cross to graft you into Our family.  You have responsibility to Me just as equally as you do your brothers.  And by not fulfilling one, you are failing to fulfill both.  And I said…John 3:16.

But God, did You see that sweater on sale?  What about those earrings?  And that jacket?  I need a winter jacket.

How can I trust you with much if I cannot trust you with little?  And I said…Luke 16:10 and Hebrews 13:5.

But God, I do trust You as long as there’s no risk involved.  But I’m going to take care of me, and I’ll trust You when I really need You.  I got everything else.  I’ll call You when things get uncomfortable. 

How can you not trust Me even after I gave My life to save you?  Would I go through such an extreme and then let you die?  How could I love you and not fulfill the desires of your heart?  If there’s no risk, there’s no faith.  I can’t make a disciple out of a consumer.  Am I loved by you and accepted for who I Am—the Great I Am—or for what I can give you?  Will you love me not as Job did?  Will you not trust that all I give you is for My glory, for your goodness?  And I said…Hebrews 11:11, Hebrews 11:6 and Jeremiah 29:11-13.

And as His hands leave my face, an ache fills my heart.  I can feel the separation from Christ in my thoughts, in my words, and in my actions.  Today marks my fourth week without Communion.

Grave recognition descended upon me today.  And I thank God for convicting me, because it is through this that He draws me closer to Him—and that He even desires to draw me closer at all is an overwhelming picture.

My heart must be in the right place in changing.  It would be selfish for me to change just to please Christ, because all that would result in is pride.  For my brothers, for my sisters, for my God, this is why I want to be a light.  I do not change for myself, but for those around me so that they may see Him.

Day 21

Today is Saturday.  And every Saturday on my commute to work, I pass by his place.

He is Number Four, and for two years, I made that same drive to his place.  The same turns, the same lights, the same railroad tracks greet my angry heart every Saturday.

Tonight, the time drew near for me to meet my friend for coffee, and I packed my things, excited to see her, but emotionally unsteady.

I waited for her in the café, in our usual space against the wall, and watched as the rain fell.  Everything just looked darker.  I let my thoughts wander, meditating in—and almost relishing—my anger.  For everything he did, for everything I still feel, for the continuing ache, I was angry.  So when my friend arrived, she sat, we talked, and then she led me through Romans.  I did not anticipate that firecracker in chapter 11 that would set my world aflame.

For just as you were at one time disobedient to God but now have received mercy because of their disobedience, so they too have now been disobedient in order that by the mercy shown to you they also may now receive mercy.

I see it as unfortunate that I credit much of my salvation to watching the life of a Pharisee.  I saw the outward actions, the good deeds, the right words, but I knew his heart.  I saw what it meant to live a double-life, and it lit a fire in me to keep me from living that lie.

When I saw this verse, something clicked.  I saw the relationship between the Jews and the Gentiles.  A Jew, in this book, was someone who upheld laws, expecting to be saved because of their righteousness—not their love of Christ.  Gentiles were compared to Abraham, who was saved alone by his faith in God.  I had an eerie feeling I was reading my own story.

If he is a Jew and I am a Gentile, then I came to Christ because he stumbled.  Through his trespass, my salvation has come, and according to the book, my coming to Christ would have caused an uproar in his heart—a jealousy.  God used the Jews to reach the Gentiles and the Gentiles to bring Israel back to Christ.

My friend said tonight, “Our God is a God of second, third, and fourth chances.”  If God gave me another chance, He gives everyone another chance—including my ex, even if I don’t want to admit it, it’s the truth.

For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Romans 11:34

I’ve heard it all my life.  God works in mysterious ways.  I would never have guessed this is how I could come to Him.  If, in his trespass against me, he brought me to Christ, then how can I hate him?  How can I hate him, but claim to love God if that was God’s way of bringing me to Him?

As I read on, I felt God urging me to listen.

Note then the kindness and the severity of God: severity toward those who have fallen, but God’s kindness to you, provided you continue his kindness. Romans 11:22

It doesn’t read, “God is going to be kind to you no matter what you do.”  We are told to be kind, because God is kind to us.  His kindness is contingent on our kindness to others.  He expects us to be kind to our brothers as He has so gracefully been kind to us.

And if I really want to love and honor God, I have to do this.  I have to understand that I didn't deserve kindness or grace or salvation, and yet, God has been so kind, so full of grace, and redeeming.  What is the right thing to do, Jamie?  You know.

I highly doubt that it's by coincidence that his house in en route to my Saturday branch.  Not in a place that I drive by every day, but juuust often enough that it pricks my soul and both reminds me and pushes me toward the change that must take place in my heart.

Day 20

When he walked in, it was almost like seeing an old friend.  He had the same swagger in his step and wore that same handsome smile on his face—the same grin that had always made me blush.  I had a big smile on my face, too…for about two seconds.

That’s how long it took me to remember the short, but painful span of our defunct relationship.  The secret text messages.  The angry phone calls.  The solo-dolo doctor visits.  The computer misuse.  The misuse of our hearts and bodies.

You are disgusting, Jamie. What a testament of your love for Christ, huh?  The voice in my head mocked me, and a wound in my heart was pierced.  Seeing him again, all I could feel was anger.

Ugh, what is he thinking coming here?

The nerve.  Really?

Look at him, thinking he can just waltz in here like nothing ever happened.

I turned away from him while he caught up with my coworker.

Go away, I growled in my head.  My thoughts gave way to an emotional tantrum.  I haven’t seen you since September.  Go away.  Go away!  GO AWAY!  When he finally left minutes later, smile and all, I didn’t say goodbye.

It was during my lunch that I received a text message from an unknown number.  I read the message, and threw my phone into my passenger seat.

Nooooooooooooo!  I don’t want your new number!  There is NO part of me that wants to relive anything!

Frustrated, I reclined in my seat, watching the leaves falling ahead of me.  My thoughts jumbled and frantic, I pouted.  When I saw him, 10% of me was angry with him—the other 90% was disgusted with myself all over again.  When I see him, I see who I was, who I let myself be when I was with him.  But I am not that person anymore—right?  The disgust I feel when I see him is born from a fear that I haven’t changed.  And I have—right?  Who I was does not have to dictate who I am, right?

I leaned my head against my seat, and my head turned just so that I saw the entrance to our lot.

STOP.  The big red sign met my gaze with purpose.  At that moment, I felt God pacing along with my thoughts.

Stop!  Why are you so full of worry?  You asked Me earlier if this was temptation or opportunity.  Do you not see it as both?  See its value.  Be tested.  It’s the only way to know where your heart stands NOW.  Why do you hang on?  Let go.   I did not mean him for you.  You chose that which was never yours.  Be not mad at him, because it was you who took without permission.  I tell you now, forgiving yourself is the only way by which you can forgive him.  I know your heart, your guilt, your shame.  Let go.  I have better for you.  Trust Me.  Release him.  Forgive yourself, and be a light to him.  Greet him as the son was greeted by his father—not in the way of gladness that he has returned, but in joy that you both have an opportunity to reconcile, forgive the sin, and know love.

God is definitely providing me with opportunities to reconcile.  With what happened today, this makes three out of my six with whom I have spoken just this week.

Today was difficult.  Seeing him was difficult.  But this is what the road to recovery looks like, huh?  As rocky, as rough, and as bumpy as it’s going to be, being on the road is a lot better than sitting steadfast full of anger in a parking lot.  It's the road to freedom.

When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.

Forgive or relive.

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart.  Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.

Number Three, today was difficult.  But I’m working on forgiving you.  One day I will, and I hope I will be able to look at you the same way God looks at me—with eyes and a heart that know redemption.

Day 19

“Mom, can we please sit at the table?”

All I wanted was a family dinner, but the dining room table in our house was not used to dine.  Instead it was a filing system, old mail and magazines layered corner to corner.

“Please, I just want to sit and eat...like a real family.”

“Jamie, wouldn’t you rather watch TV while you eat?”

This was always the response I received from my parents.

I so desperately wanted to feel like a family.  My school life was terribly lonely, and at home my parents were too busy fighting their own battles to spend time with me and my brother.  If we can just sit together, maybe it could all change, I used to think.

It never changed.  Despite my attempts, we only sat at that table once a year.  At Thanksgiving.  For twenty minutes.  And then we would retire to our separate rooms. 

Eventually I gave up trying to be a family.

This sense of unbelonging created a desperate need to find love.  And so I buried myself in relationship after relationship.  This is the one, I would fool myself.  He can be the family I never had.

Always a false fit though, it wreaked havoc on my sense of worth.  Needless to say, my heart was left aching, and that family I wanted never came.

Until this year.

It has taken me a long time to realize that family doesn’t limit itself to biology—or to a husband.  After years of being alone and seeking fulfillment, God has placed in my life people who fill that void.

It was this summer while my best friend was planning her wedding, she told me her first dance with her new husband would be to Chantal Kreviazuk’s Feels Like Home.  She said they chose this song, because, until they found each other, they suffered from a feeling of homesickness.

Homesick—that’s exactly what I felt.  And for the first time in my life, my heart feels like it's home.  It feels full.  And God has blessed me with a family.  It is new and I know things are still changing, but there is nothing that can erase my thankfulness for the here and now.  Because I have been waiting all my life to feel loved and understood.

I compare myself to Alan.  Yes, from the Hangover.

You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner.  I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.  But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own.  And my wolf pack, it grew by one.  So were there two of...so there were two of us in the wolf pack.  I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later.  And six months ago...when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second. Could it be?"  And now, I know for sure.  I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.

Let me say, in no way am I ungrateful to my parents—because it is God’s path that I have traveled my entire life, so His plans include them.  But I am so thankful for this gift He has given me.  And to my friends who are reading this, I have been waiting for you all my life.  Through aimless days and lonely nights, nights of sorrow and moments of weakness, times of frustration, and years of utter loneliness—I have been praying for you.

As this boyfriendless-and-biological-famililessness-Thanksgiving comes to a close, I am so thankful for the people with whom I shared my day.  And not just in person, but through text and over the phone—you mean so much to me.  And I love you.

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.” Ralph Nichols

I am thankful for Lauren, Lindsay, Tony, Charles, Jamon, Jason, Katie, Taylor, Neal, Emily, Nick, Leonard, Jon, Tabria Savannah, Christine, Sara, Jillian, Danielle, Egypt, Tracy, Paige, Roz, Lacey, Faith, Lizzie, Callyan, Mimi, Andrea, Justin, Micaela, Tabitha, Nicole, Tango, Megan, Chad, Deborah, Rachel, Meredith, Bekah, Mario, Ashley, Adam, Temeco, Gwen, Samontra, Tameka, Rita, Moncena, Fred, Allie, Kelly, Kalesha, Brandon, Candace, Lauren, Cindy, Maunish, Meredith, Mike, Shawday, Blair, Aidan, Mom, Dad, and Steven.

Day 18

Oh the things lovers do when it's over

Oh the things lovers do when it's done

Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder

Wake up older

And try to move on

Ask me who I was a year ago and I’ll tell you to listen to this song sung by Julie Roberts.

After a year of avoiding it, tonight I finally clicked My Documents and sought out my picture folders from 2009 and 2010—the disaster years.  Fear of reliving that pain has kept me from looking through them these last eleven months, but tonight God urged me to center my cursor and double-click.

I came face to face with myself.  I saw fake-smile after fake-smile, each like a band-aid trying cover up the wounds on my heart.  Each grimace was an attempt to mask an emptiness—an overwhelming sense of sadness and confusion.  I relied on men to pull me through life, literally.  I would die for attention.  I was beyond broken, the girlfriend of a man who hurt me every day.  And I was fine with it.  I thought that was happiness—or as close to happiness as I could ever experience.  And so I stayed.  Broken nights in hotel rooms, drunk nights at dance clubs, fights about infidelity, lowered standards and feelings of loneliness, confusion, and insecurity were all I came to know.

I’ve held so much pain over those two years of my life.  The mere thought of him used to bring me emotionally to my knees.  But I looked at his face tonight.  I looked over our memories.  I saw our life together.  And I mourned.

For the first time I mourned not for the loss, but for how lost we were…how lost I was.  Somehow the pain transformed itself into sadness.

This forgiveness stuff isn’t easy.  There is so much aching, self-examination, reconciliation, and sadness that must be experienced.  It’s not easy.  And I don’t like it.  But it’s the baby steps that move us along.  As the time comes for me to mourn and forgive each of my broken relationships, I just pray to God for strength to relive important moments, examine my decisions, and find the roots of my heart motives.

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Yes.  Even through this bitter pain, I say yes.

Because it is only through pain we are forced to grow.

And I so desperately want to grow that the pain is becoming worth it.

And so I move on from yesterday’s news and turn away from him, leaving behind, but remembering, everything that was.  With the closing of another chapter of my life, I am more determined than ever to be stronger than the girl who once looked at me from behind the mirror.

Doesn't happen overnight, but you turn around and a month’s gone by,

And you realize you haven't cried.

I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

Day 17

I am thankful.

I am thankful for Katie who makes me laugh.  I am thankful for Tracy and her wisdom and thoughtfulness.  I am so thankful for Danielle whose heart is beautiful, wise, and hilarious.  I am thankful for Sara and her loving nature.  I am thankful for Paige and her kindness and awesome cupcakes.  I am thankful for Savannah, her attention to detail, and her dirt cake.  I am thankful for Jillian and her sense of humor and funny facial expressions, because they remind me of mine.  I am thankful for Tabria and her uplifting, sweet, uncrushable, genuine spirit.  I am thankful for Lacey for sharing who she is and her generosity, and ability to laugh off her mistakes.  I am thankful for Lauren, because she is hilarious, wise, and tender in her ways of edifying others.  I am thankful for Egypt, her honesty, and who she is as a complete person.  I am thankful for Lindsay and her nature to reach out to others and encourage them.  I am thankful for Faith, for her strength drawn from pain and encouraging nature.  I am thankful for Roz, and her endearing, funny, sweet heart.  I am thankful for Tony, and his generosity and willingness to take me up on my offer to help.  I am thankful for Leonard for his never-give-up attitude and tenderness toward his sisters, but man-up attitude towards his homies.  I am thankful for Justin for always offering brotherly love, the right verse, the right words, and an invitation to hang.  I am thankful for Christine and her undying desire to pursue Christ and His will for her.  I am thankful for Tabitha for a multitude of reasons, including her will to pursue Christ.  I am thankful for Micaela, for her humor and attitude full of grace and truth.  I am thankful for my dogs and their unending love.  I am thankful for the smell of cinnamon.  I am thankful for red leaves on fall trees.  I am thankful for good music.  I am thankful for chicken-minis from Chick-fil-a.

I am thankful for my past.  I am thankful for my present.  I am thankful for whatever awaits me in my future, God.  Whatever will come, will come.  As for the now, I will trust You through the pain.  When I can’t feel You, I will search out one of the many friends with whom You have blessed me.  Forgiveness isn’t easy.   Moving on isn’t easy.  Taking my thoughts captive isn’t easy.  Every day is a struggle, and I know I’m still sad…but I will cling to You.

Because whatever You desire to give me is GOOD.  It’s BETTER.  I don’t want garbage, God.  You know what’s best for me.  I only think I do.  Snuff out my stubbornness, let me bear this pain—even better, let me let it go!  Let me understand it wasn’t Your will, and I’m only hurting myself by hanging on and wanting something poisonous.  Let me move on, and be thankful, and rejoice in what’s to come!

PS. Here's the thing.  I know naming names gets people in trouble, so let me just say if I didn't say I'm thankful for you, it's only because I'm tired and old.  More people than I can thank have touched my life in a multitude of ways.  I hope you all know somewhere in your hearts what you've done for my life.

Day 16

I’m sitting here crying, because I saw your picture.

I’m sitting here crying, because I think of things you said.

I’m sitting here crying, because you moved on like I meant nothing.

I’m sitting here crying, because I can’t forgive.

God, I so desperately want to forgive.  Take these hurts from me.  Take this pain from my heart.  I’m tired of crying over all this hurt.  All these years of pain—take this cup from me!

Please help me heal, because I don’t want this pain to destroy me.

__________________________________________________________________________

One

I want to forgive you because...like me, you had been picked on all your life.  Like me, you were hurt.  Your height, the shape of your head, you were just as much of an outcast as I was.  And so were your friends.  You were never cool.  Neither were they.  And as juniors, y'all had to stoop as low as belittling freshman girls to boost your ego.  I knew about your lives and looking back I see how empty they were.  We were young, had no idea what we were doing, and fought for survival.  I want to forgive you because you're not what love is for me anymore.  I will never go through what I went through while I was with you with anyone else.  I have grown from that experience.  I honestly hope you have, too.  I want to forgive you because it's been 10 years of un-reconciled pain and it's time to let go.  Now that I have God in my life and know what love is, I know you're not it, you were never it, and you're just an illusion in the desert that served to parch and teach me.  You are not what God intended for me for my forever.

Two

I want to forgive you because...you were as confused and as lonely as I was.  You knew something was wrong, and while there was a piece of you that wanted just to shut up and date me, you couldn't.  You just couldn't find an easy way to get out of it.  I forgive you, because I know what fear feels like.  I know what it's like to be trapped.  You did the best you could, and you did what was right for you, which inevitably was what was right for me.  You weren't on track with God then, and it is my deepest prayer that you are at a church with a community with whom you can fellowship.  I hope you haven't lost your fire.  I want to forgive you, because we were both lost.  You are not what God intended for me for my forever.

Three

I want to forgive you because...you are just as screwed up as me when it comes to sex.  We both sought validation and instant gratification from our interaction.  Really, I'm mad at myself for letting you treat me that way.  I can't forgive you, because I couldn't forgive myself.  I want to forgive you, because I knew better.  I could've stopped.  It all could've been avoided.  I want to forgive you because you know what it is to hurt like me.  You know what it's like to hide out of fear of people knowing who you are.  I want to forgive you, because we all make mistakes—terrible ones—even when our mind strongly tells us differently, our flesh is too powerful.  I want to forgive you, because I want to be able to pray for your marriage to be a happy, healthy one where the love of God thrives.  Mostly, I want to apologize, and I want to forgive you because you are not what God intended for me for my forever, and I should've never expected you to fill that space.

Four

I want to forgive you because...I know your heart.  I know there is a terrible hurt somewhere inside of you that is driving you to overcompensate.  Instead of relying on the love of Christ to save you, you are trying to redeem yourself.  I want to forgive you, because I know that pain.  I know the pain of trying to take control of everything in order to fix my life.  I want to be able to pray for you, for your wellness, for your walk.  I want to be able to forgive you, because I know your actions are out of hurt and self-preservation.  God never intended you to be my forever and I need to let you go, because everything you did to me was out of a hurt in your heart that had nothing to do with me or who I was.

Five

I want to forgive you because...I thank God for you.  For it is because of you that I know true love exists.  You showed me I could love again and be better and love better.  You showed me what having a best friend meant.  You showed me what happiness could feel like.  I thank God for the time we had together, both good and bad.  And as scared as you are, I'm scared, too.  You are not who God intended for me for my forever.  I want to pray for your happiness and salvation and growth.  I want to pray for your future wife, that you'll love, protect, honor, and serve her.  I want to forgive you, because I love you.

Six

I want to forgive you because...my worth is in God.  I sought out in you what I should be seeking in God.  And it was not your responsibility to provide that.  I want to forgive you, because I know our flesh is weak.  I know what it's like to be lonely.  I want to forgive you, because I love you as a brother.  As a child of God.  I do not want to label you as anything other than a child of God.  You are not what God intended for my forever, and I pray for both of us, that our walks will reflect purity and steadfast love.

Day 15

I asked God what I should read last night, and He said, “Find your way to Nahum.”

Okay, God, what’s in Nahum?

I flipped through pages and made it to that book, but it wasn’t Nahum where I was supposed to be.  My eyes paused on the end of Micah, on the below verse.

Where is another God like you, who pardons the guilt of the remnant, overlooking the sins of his special people?  You will not stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing unfailing love.  Once again you will have compassion on us.  You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!  You will show us your faithfulness and unfailing love as you promised to our ancestors Abraham and Jacob long ago. Micah 7:18-20

And last night’s verse was answered with today’s worship music.

Who is like the Lord, nobody.

Who is like the Lord, no, no, no, no, no, nobody.

Who is like the Lord, nobody.

Who is like the Lord, no, no, no, no, no, nobody.

My ears perked.  God, You just told me that last night!

Yeah, I did, were you listening?

As the music continued, Fellowship played one of my favorite hymns.  Before I was saved, I loved this song.  The melody itself captivated me.  And now it means even more to me.

Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed thy hand hath provided;

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

When I hear it I’m transported back to the place I was in my life when I first heard it.  I look at myself now.  Because of God, I am so very different.  Everything good I am, I am because of Him, and only because of Him. He was and still is so very faithful to me.

And now as I turn my computer off to head to bed, I fall asleep listening to Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years, and I hear a love song, a conversation between me and God.

Jamie

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

I have died everyday waiting for you

God

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more

I have died every day waiting for you

Day 14

I think there are more days now that I don’t want to write than I do.  Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Earlier this week on Twitter I prayed for discomfort.  God answered that one fast.  Yup.

Dis-ease.  I don’t like to be disappointed, but it happened today.  I hate disappointing others, but that happened today, too.  Now I’m sitting here, feeling stressed out and angry.  I just want to lash out, but I don’t, but I do, but I don’t.  Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

White chocolate mocha.  The day started out great, with me having coffee with Leonard.  Coolest guy ever.  Even saved my life from an umbrella.  He’s been really encouraging during this healing process.  He knows some of my story and where my heart is hurting and has done his best to be a friend to me. It was nice to be able to talk and get to know him better.  Thank you for the coffee, Leonard! :)  Next round is mine.

Under construction.  With disappointment on my mind, I am going to acknowledge three things at which I am terrible.  Remembering anything, returning text messages and talking on the phone.  I hate talking on the phone with a passion.  At times I can handle it when conversations are short, but I think my aunt has traumatized me forever.  When I was in middle school she kept me on the phone for five hours talking about nothing three times a week, maybe more.  How do you talk about nothing for five hours?!  I have no idea.  And I don’t care to find out.  Buuuuut I need to talk on the phone.  I know that.  I have friends I can't just sit down and grab coffee with...  And text messages—I am so bad about looking at my phone, intending to respond, and then my attention gets drawn elsewhere—at work, or shopping, or eating—and I just forget.  Which goes hand in hand with my terrible memory.  I can remember some things perfectly, and other things it’s like you may as well have never told me at all.

Something I love?  Thrift store shopping.  It’s like looking through an eternity of memories when I’m in a thrift store.  All the old things which were, at some point, treasured.  And I’ve found some great treasures in my expeditions.  In fact, I’ve gotten more compliments on clothes I’ve bought from Goodwill than I have from Target.  Annnnd I just discovered that each store has a RELIGIOUS section for books.  Who knew?  I didn’t!  John Piper’s The Dangerous Duty of Delight, Peace for a Woman’s Soul (thank You, God, yes, I will be needing this), Max Lucado’s The Greatest Moments in the Life of Christ, and Daniel Partner’s Hymns of God’s Love were among my purchases today.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.  Still stressed.  Looking forward to tomorrow night.  Maybe I’ll feel better by then.  For now, I’m going to bed.

Day 13

Jamie:                    Have you always been a Christian?

Friend:                   Since I was young.

Jamie:                    All your family Christian?

Friend:                   Yeah…your family?

Jamie:                    Nobody’s Christian in mine.

Friend:                   Wow. I respect that. I didn’t have to make any sacrifices to believe.

This is a conversation I had with a friend some time ago.

When he said it, the word sacrifice stabbed me in the heart.  Sacrifice?  No one had ever used that word to describe my family.  And it stung me, because I know there is truth to it.  Somewhere in my heart, I know this is a sacrifice that comes with following Christ.

Tonight I sat in the theater with my best friends, watching the ever-famous Twilight.  A ridiculous love story between a vampire and human, this movie held the weight of their wedding.

I read the saga a few summers ago.  With each book you’re an audience to the deepening love of Bella and Edward.  Nothing can keep them apart; no one can separate them from each other.  Bella is willing to sacrifice friends and family—and her very life—to be with the one she loves.

That’s a strong love.

When I watched her walked down the aisle tonight, I saw the pain in her eyes.  The confusion, the hurt, the fear of goodbye.  She held onto her father and walked with unsteady legs, realizing exactly what her decision meant.  Loving Edward meant saying goodbye.  It meant accepting that everyone she loved would eventually die while she would live on forever.  She wants to be with Edward, but what that means hurts her deeply.  As she and her father Charlie pause for a moment, she surveys the picture before her.  Wedding guests smile, and her stomach churns.  You wonder if she’ll make it to the altar.

And then she sees him.

At the end of the aisle is the love of her life.  And her eyes stay focused on him.  And just like that, she’s reminded of why she’s making the sacrifice.  While she loves her family very much, she knows the decision already cemented within her heart.

This is what loving God means to me.

I say goodbye to the life I knew.  Because I know at the end of the aisle is where I’m supposed to be.  With Him.  Forever.  As tormented as I am—leaving my world, my friends, my family—behind, I know The Truth in my heart.

And there you have it.  I cried at Twilight.  And not because of the cheesy love story, but because of the greatest love story in my life and what it means.

Note: You have to really know me to understand where my heart is now.  There is much this post does not reveal, and I truly wrote it for my own use, not for an audience.

Day 12

Tired and lazy tonight.  I just want to curl up and go to bed.  Can’t really think, so here are some “bullet” thoughts for you.

I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.  Holidays are always difficult.  I don’t have family in Memphis.  I’m fine with it—I know that seems weird.  My family is on the west coast.  “Oh, don’t you miss California?” strangers ask.  No, I don’t.  I appreciate my past, but California really didn’t offer me much of anything.  It never felt like home to me.  Moving to Memphis was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  This is home, five years and counting.  Dorothy crashed in Oz and wanted to go home.  Going to back Cali—hmmm, I don’t think so.

If you could only see.  As you get older it becomes that much more difficult not only to find friends but to keep them.  That’s not one of the perks of moving to a new state when you’re older.  My pride is hurt the most when I try and reach out to people and they don’t reach back.  I’ve felt the sting before—it’s kind of like dating a man, thinking I’m not good enough—but part of me knows that’s not true.  God puts specific people in your life at specific times for specific purposes.  To force a friendship is not to have a friendship at all.  You're stretching out your arms to something that's just not there.  So, I am going to focus on the friendships I have, not be hurt about the ones not evolving, and appreciate the grace God has definitely delivered within the last couple of months. 

To my husband.  Last Sunday, listening to Andy Stanley was really difficult.  It broke my heart.  He told us one day we would meet someone we want to marry, which means one day we will have to reveal our story.  All of it.  Pain and everything.  “So what kind of story do you want to tell?” he asked.  I wrote down what he said next (which is funny—if you know Andy, it took me about 20 times replaying sermon #3 to fully write this down).  This is who I want to be:

I decided my story was going to be a different story.  And in spite of my past and my guilt and my sin that day I decided I want to learn to honor God with my body, and I signed up that day in my heart from this point forward as difficult as it's going to be, as strange as it's going to be, as dateless and as quiet and as lonely as it's going to be I want to honor God with my body specifically in the area of my sexuality—and that day you'll be able to say to your future spouse, you ready for this? I'm telling you this is a good story, that day you will be able to say—from that day forward I prepared for you, from that day forward I saved and reserved myself, my affection, my love and my body, for you.  From that day forward I dated with you in mind.  And as I have learned to honor God with my body before I say I do to you, I am ready to honor God with my body after I say I do with you...I have been from that moment on preparing for you.

Way before I heard this message, I started to keep a journal for my future husband.  Yes, a journal for my future husband.  I began in June, one of the most difficult months of my life.  I started praying for him months ago.  Not just to have him, but for his heart, for his walk, for his struggles.  I pray for us, for our marriage.  I write down scripture that’s important to me.  And one day I’ll be able to share it all with him.  One day, I’ll share how I waited for him in more ways than one.

The journal I keep for him.

Commercial appeal.  Last night I was sitting on my couch, watching TV.  I had this warm feeling come over me, and I saw, like a dream, a vision of me standing outside under a tree.  It was night and before me was a man on one knee.  I started crying.  I can’t explain it and I know that sounds crazy, but in that one moment I felt like God was reassuring me.  I’ve felt this same feeling twice before—this warm, light, loving feeling.  I can’t explain it.  And it’s funny, because after I opened my eyes on the television was a Kay Jewelers commercial.  That was funny, God. Thanks for that moment.  Reassurance.

Day 11

Yesterday my friend said something that resonated with my heart.

“God wants you to be married.  He has a husband for you. But He loves that man as much as He loves you.  Right now your heart is in too many pieces.  You thought you were the victim—you were the victimizer, imprisoning each man for the sins of the last.”

I find myself condemning each man who comes into my life.  Present tense.  Not a man who has come or has been, but the men who are coming into my life at this moment.  Before we even become friends, I write them off as heartbreakers, liars, abusers, nominal Christians, cheaters—I see each man as a predator!  I see the hurt before I even see them.

Last night while I was having coffee with a friend, she mentioned the term ‘feral cat.’  I think it identifies me pretty well. 

They originate from former domestic cats who were lost or abandoned and then learned to live outdoors or in environments involving little human contact, such as warehouses, factories or abandoned buildings. In most cases, feral cats are not completely wild because they still depend on people for their food source, whether it's a caretaker who comes by once or twice a day, a dumpster outside a restaurant, garbage cans, or the like.

When I was born, I trusted men.  In that very moment we’re born, we know no different.  It is as we live in the world we learn what it is to be hurt.  At some point, a man hurt me.  Then another man.  Then another, and still more.   I was worn from the wear, because of the fact that my heart had been abandoned.

And so, choosing to resign to a lifestyle where hurt became normal and natural, I let myself be taken care of by caretakers who didn’t care, and gorged myself on garbage.  I learned to live in my environment, and when I thought I was being fed, I was being misled—depending on men, expecting a superficial host to fill supernatural needs.  Where I once trusted men, that trust was replaced by the trust that they would inevitably hurt me.  And so, like a feral cat I pull back, coming close enough to be seen, but never to be held or experienced the way God meant for a man to experience me.

What is it to be really held like that?

I don’t mean cuddling.  But I mean loved with a Godly love with a heart that belongs to God.

I will never know if I don’t open myself up.  If I have already predetermined that love doesn’t exist and I’m already expecting damage, then that’s exactly what I’ll receive, because it’s the only option I’ve given myself.   And it’s simply not true.

God is the ultimate Caretaker.  All these websites on feral cats tell me that it can take months—or years—to draw a feral in.  He is taking the time right now to domesticate me, to show me I can trust Him, that I can trust others.  If God is love, and we are made in His image, I need not fear, because there are men out there struggling to follow His will just as much as I am—but I can’t meet them or even be friends with them if I run away before they can even put the food dish down.

Saw this on friend’s Facebook tonight:

I need Godly male friendships in my life now more than ever before.  For the last few months I've been praying to God to bring men into my life that shine His light.  There are a few men currently that I feel like He has purposely given me.  To respect, to honor, to love, and to be loved by these men in a Godly manner.  He's entrusting me with these friendships, and if I am called to outdo them in honor and show them brotherly love, then I need to trust God, and do it.  God, I am trusting You.

God, I know I need to come to You to be fed, because You are the ultimate source.  I pray that you rip away these walls I developed against Your sons, because Your Son gave His life for us.  If we’re made in Your image, one day a man will come who will sacrifice for me just as Your Son did.  There is imperfection and pain in this world, but there is also Your perfect love.  Let me love my brothers and let me feel safe with them.  Let me learn to really love men again in the right way, Your way.  Not mine.  Neither let me depend on them for food nor depend on them to hurt me.  You have not passed judgment on Your daughter and as such keep me from passing judgment on those You have placed in my life.  For purpose, for peace of mind, for protection, for healing, for rebuilding, let me see You in each person who walks into my life.  Now don’t let me be blind, but let me be healed.

Day 10

God has been taking these few weeks to press forgiveness into my heart.

Yesterday, Bryan tweeted this:

Hashtag, conviction.

Last Sunday made it the second week that I did not take communion with the church.  As the music began, and I saw people rise to be with Christ, a sad ache loomed in my heart.  Separated from God.  I looked up at the ceiling.  What?  The answer followed.  Sin separates you from God.  Feel ya, Holy Spirit.  I nodded, understanding, and let myself ache.  I understand I desperately need to forgive those who have hurt me.

Years ago when I used to write on MySpace, I would journal about dates, never using their real name.  In keeping this journal I considered doing the same to maintain some privacy.  And so today I listed the names of men who have left my heart hurting—six men I have yet to forgive.  These are the men who, if I saw them at this moment, my soul would be very anti-1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

So I took my list of unforgiven men, and I gave them all nicknames.  Still unsatisfied, I wrestled with different ideas to code them.  And it came to me.  I took one verb to describe from where my pain with each man was born.

Using.

Immobilizing.

Flodging.

Vowing.

Breaking.

Ignoring.

To each, I wrote my personalized vehement judgment:

Using: You used me for your ego.

Immobilizing: You made me feel worthless.

Flodging: You lied about who you were.

Vowed: You wore a ring.

Breaking: You came to me broken.

Ignoring: You didn’t care about who I was.

I thought evilly to myself with satisfaction.  Yeah, y’all hurt me, you jerks.  I hope you know how you did me wrong.  I hope one day God wracks your hearts with guilt over the pain you’ve caused me.  I deserve an apology.  I deserve you to recognize my pain!

Attractive, right?  Ugh.  God must’ve been listening, of course, probably shaking His head with a gentle laugh.  What was supposed to be me justifying my hurt quickly hit me in the chest like a sledgehammer.

Using: You used me for your ego, but I used you to validate myself.

Immobilizing: You made me feel worthless, but I made you feel like less of a man.

Flodging: You lied about who you were, but I made excuses about who we were together.

Vowed: You wore a ring, but I wore desperation.

Breaking: You came to me broken, but so was I.

Ignoring: You didn’t care about who I was, but I didn’t care about you enough to say no.

Admitting I was wrong is not easy.  My pride urges me to refuse responsibility.  It’s much easier to place the blame on him or him or him, or him.  As much as my brothers—yeah, catch that?  Brothers!—wronged me, I equally wronged them.  I.  Wronged.  Them.  A sin is a sin is a sin, right?  Ouch.  Hurts to see myself in that light.

But that’s what God does.  He brings our sin out into the light so that we may not remain in darkness.  To unforgive is to unlove, which, I hear, is the antithesis of our great God.  Forgiveness is no easy feat, but I’m praying every day for God to use my heart, to immobilize my sin, to extol lies, for me to stay true to my vow to Him, to give grace for brokenness, and to care enough about others to share my sins.

Let me love and forgive those who have hurt me.  You have forgiven me, and I am a stained sinner.  Your love has washed over me.  Let me love them like you love me, even when it hurts.  Especially if it hurts.  Let me focus on the depth in Luke 6:32-36.  Let me be merciful, because I have a Father who has given so much mercy to me.  And let me outdo them in love and honor.