Day 20

When he walked in, it was almost like seeing an old friend.  He had the same swagger in his step and wore that same handsome smile on his face—the same grin that had always made me blush.  I had a big smile on my face, too…for about two seconds.

That’s how long it took me to remember the short, but painful span of our defunct relationship.  The secret text messages.  The angry phone calls.  The solo-dolo doctor visits.  The computer misuse.  The misuse of our hearts and bodies.

You are disgusting, Jamie. What a testament of your love for Christ, huh?  The voice in my head mocked me, and a wound in my heart was pierced.  Seeing him again, all I could feel was anger.

Ugh, what is he thinking coming here?

The nerve.  Really?

Look at him, thinking he can just waltz in here like nothing ever happened.

I turned away from him while he caught up with my coworker.

Go away, I growled in my head.  My thoughts gave way to an emotional tantrum.  I haven’t seen you since September.  Go away.  Go away!  GO AWAY!  When he finally left minutes later, smile and all, I didn’t say goodbye.

It was during my lunch that I received a text message from an unknown number.  I read the message, and threw my phone into my passenger seat.

Nooooooooooooo!  I don’t want your new number!  There is NO part of me that wants to relive anything!

Frustrated, I reclined in my seat, watching the leaves falling ahead of me.  My thoughts jumbled and frantic, I pouted.  When I saw him, 10% of me was angry with him—the other 90% was disgusted with myself all over again.  When I see him, I see who I was, who I let myself be when I was with him.  But I am not that person anymore—right?  The disgust I feel when I see him is born from a fear that I haven’t changed.  And I have—right?  Who I was does not have to dictate who I am, right?

I leaned my head against my seat, and my head turned just so that I saw the entrance to our lot.

STOP.  The big red sign met my gaze with purpose.  At that moment, I felt God pacing along with my thoughts.

Stop!  Why are you so full of worry?  You asked Me earlier if this was temptation or opportunity.  Do you not see it as both?  See its value.  Be tested.  It’s the only way to know where your heart stands NOW.  Why do you hang on?  Let go.   I did not mean him for you.  You chose that which was never yours.  Be not mad at him, because it was you who took without permission.  I tell you now, forgiving yourself is the only way by which you can forgive him.  I know your heart, your guilt, your shame.  Let go.  I have better for you.  Trust Me.  Release him.  Forgive yourself, and be a light to him.  Greet him as the son was greeted by his father—not in the way of gladness that he has returned, but in joy that you both have an opportunity to reconcile, forgive the sin, and know love.

God is definitely providing me with opportunities to reconcile.  With what happened today, this makes three out of my six with whom I have spoken just this week.

Today was difficult.  Seeing him was difficult.  But this is what the road to recovery looks like, huh?  As rocky, as rough, and as bumpy as it’s going to be, being on the road is a lot better than sitting steadfast full of anger in a parking lot.  It's the road to freedom.

When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.

Forgive or relive.

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart.  Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.

Number Three, today was difficult.  But I’m working on forgiving you.  One day I will, and I hope I will be able to look at you the same way God looks at me—with eyes and a heart that know redemption.