Day 269

“I’ve always felt like God means for me to be married…” they say.

And I slowly nod, listening, wondering then about my own feelings.

There are many women who offer the “God would not give a desire He wouldn’t fulfill” saying, and while I have a desire to be married, I can’t say the feeling is there.  Even though I long for it, I don’t feel like a marrage is intended from God for my life.  And as I watch my friends’ feelings come to fruition, I wonder if it means my own fruitless feelings will indeed not bear any fruit.

The more and more couples that form, the greater the void of loneliness becomes.

I was stationed in a place where I was comfortable being single and then the ground suddenly crumbled from below me.  The contrast between their together and my singleness is as sharp as a needle.

My greatest fear at this moment is the end of this challenge will be met with tumbleweeds—tumbleweeds blowing through the desert of aloneness.

No dates, no boyfriend, no husband.  What if after the OYC all that awaits me is God?  And only God.  Is that enough for me?

I think it not coincidence that such a multitude of couples has formed at the same time.  Not anything is coincidence with God.  Each one has been a silent stab to my heart, the pain prompting for a thorough investigation through the dark caverns of my soul.

God, why does this hurt so immensely?

It’s the contrast.  I have never felt more alone.  Them dating makes my aloneness—my decision to be alone, my undesired to be alone, my struggle to be alone—even more amplified.

Magnified.  Everything is magnified.

My fear of being alone.  My fear of being the only single person left alive in the entire world.

Last night I sat down and wrote a listing of all the new couples in my life and all the couples that may potentially form.  Hours were spent praying over them, and praying to God for a release from the anguish of being alone.

And it was today I read this on Facebook:

Alone.  Married.  I don’t know what You want for me, God.  I don’t know what, if anything, these feelings of mine are telling me.  Whatever You’re trying to teach me through this, please help me see it.  You magnify and bring to light heart issues so that we may work through them and become more like You.  I don’t quite understand what You’re trying to teach me here, so please…help me understand.

Day 268

I want a boyfriend!


Wait!  No, I don't!


This is the internal battle right now.  I was watching myself in the mirror this morning after many mornings of waking up depressed.

I'm an audience to a whirlwind of forming couples.  I'm watching my world as I know it change permanently and quickly.  Eight months into the OYC, and this is a whole 'nother level of struggle.  The first half of the challenge seemed like a breeze compared to this.

I look around at all my friends and feel a heightened sense of lonliness.  I don't think it would've hurt this badly had it been spread out over a long period of time, but maybe it wouldn't have made a difference.

Day 267

What.  Was.  That?

Why did that happen?

Why does this hurt?

Why am I sad?

Why.  Why.  Why.  Why.

Right now I just want to cry and I'm not really sure why.  I think it's just everything.  Every-thing.

God.  I need provision.  Direction.  Hope.  Help.  Please send it all.

If I hadn't already bought my ticket to 12, I don't think I'd be going.  Right now, in this moment, I'm not looking forward to being the only single girl there.

My car.  My poor car.  I am so thankful to God for the help that He sent.  SO THANKFUL.  I'm just stressed out that so much is happening at once.  The windshield.  The battery.  Well, thank goodness is was just a battery!  Thank goodness he was there to help!  Thank goodness it happened right down the street from the apartment.

The group.  Having a vision--but an uncemented vision.  Not knowing what the future holds and asking a group to jump on board to an unknown destination.  God, I'm following you...I'm really having to work on trusting you with this.  Tonight you showed me it was not about me...today you showed me it was not about me.  You took away the fancy-schmancy computer.  Took away comfort--poor air conditioning in the living room.  You took everything away.  And all I had to offer was outstretched hands that offered You, and fellowship with Your daughters.

I'm so overwhelmed I can't even finish this entry.  Good night.

Day 265

Tonight I rewatched The Dark Knight—yeah, I know, I’m a terrible American for not watching the Olympics Opening Show, sue me.

But this is what I realized.

I realized love—love feels like what happens when Harvey realizes Batman is saving him instead of the love of his life.  When he realizes that’s the last time he’ll ever hear Rachel’s voice again.  Love is that painful gripping sensation that sometimes makes you wish your heart would just stop beating.  Howling pain.

I’ve come to believe that love doesn’t exist.  Not for me.

As I stood in my kitchen while baking tonight, I glanced at my ticket hanging on my fridge to 12.

Single.

Meant to be single all my life?

Single.

It wouldn’t be so painful, except it is.  Every day there is a new couple, another wedding, an engagement.  At some point you would think I would run out of friends, but it hasn’t happened yet.  It doesn’t make me any less happy for them.  I love seeing pictures of their trips, beautiful rings, happy smiles on their special day, that first profile picture posted on Facebook after the announcement of a new official relationsihp—every ounce of me loves seeing my friends happy and in love.  I think it’s the contrast that hurts.

As I see more, moving farther, I stand still, watching the world pass me by.

But, like Harvey Dent, there are two sides to me.  Part of me is okay with it.  Part of me is okay with being alone.  Tonight’s movie made me think of past relationships, and how much they hurt and how afraid I am of being in another one.

Fear.

One side of my pendulum is loneliness.  And on the other is fear.

Both elements leave me wonder if I’ll ever wear a different title. 

And does it really matter if I do?  I don’t want it to matter.  But...

A little more than 100 days left of the OYC and sometimes, just sometimes, I feel as if I’m right back where I started.

Single single single single single

She single for the night all her life

Single single signle single single signle

I'm single for the night all my life

—Single, Yo Gotti

Day 264

Though miles may lie between us, we're never far apart,

for friendship doesn't count the miles, it's measured by the heart.

Another is leaving.  Tonight is her last night in Memphis, and I am going to miss her so much.

God tends to take my strongest Christian friends, calling them away to different cities.  Different states.  Different countries.  Different continents.

Names flutter through my mind as I think of the many friends who have responded to that call, leaving Memphis indefinitely.  At the thought of their absence, my heart does, for just a second, grow a little sad—but much more than sadness, there’s excitement.  There’s joy.  There’s praise.  Praising His faithfulness.

God brings these women into my life for a time, so that I may love them, learn them, so that when this moment comes I see the story from the start of one chapter to the beginning of another, promised, chapter.  The chapter where He answers prayers.  The chapter where this part of their journey comes full hilt.  The chapter where He shows you that He trusts you with the gift He is about to bestow upon you.

These women and their lives are sweet reminders that He is good, He is faithful, and He has us.  I see God in them and through them, and because of them I am reminded that He has me.  He has not forgotten me.  No amount of time or terror could pass when He is not with me and when He is not for me.  He delivers us, clears our path, and honors us.

It can be sad when friends are called away, but even more so, it’s a beautiful testament to His faithfulness.  God answers prayers.  God cares.  God gives us gifts.  God believes in us to grow

and to chase Him.

And as our time apart passes and distance continues to grow, I pray that the expanse is met with as many footsteps as there miles between that point her in the direction of His light and that she ever grow closer to Him, in passion and pursuit of Him, and is filled like a cistern with His love so that when we meet again, stories of His grandeur and faithfulness will overflow, a continuation of encouragement and hope.

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go,

we take a little of each other everywhere.

Day 263

Right now I’m sitting on my couch in my newly rearranged livingroom.

I just spent the last six hours cleaning and organizing.

Once a year, close to my birthday, because of all the cards received, I pull out my memory box.  I save them, rereading them one last time before I file them, but also looking over, in fondness, the cards already in the box.

This time I read the greetings of friends far away, glossed over notes from my parents, and reminisced over the words of men who used to love me.

Unfair, God¸ I murmured to myself.

I miss this.  I miss them.  I remember eating with her.  I remember laughing with her.  I remember when he held me.  I remember when he loved me.  Where is this happiness?  Where are these people?  Where are these moments?  I miss them, and I want them back.  I want this back.

I refolded the cards tenderly, remembering what it had felt like to read the words the very first time—how loved I felt.

I miss those deep friendships.  I miss the weekly meetings.  The Bible studies.  The dinners.  The intimacy felt between friends.  I miss the concern.  I miss the attention.  I miss the willingness to be a part of my life.  I miss being loved.  I miss the affection.  The professions of love.  Being held.  Being kissed.  Being missed.  Being trusted.  Being enjoyed.

There are so many things I don’t understand right now, God.  I don’t understand what You’re trying to tell me.  Am I forever bound to feel lonely in a sea of people?  Where’s the intimacy?

A week ago I made the decision to attend 12 alone.  I’ve spent the majority of this OYC solo—it only seemed appropriate to continue on in this manner.  I expect to gaze out into a maze of couples, dancing and slow dancing together—which, at weddings, has proven to be the loneliest moment for me—and I’m going to have to be okay.

In the moment, this is difficult for me.  But I know it won’t last forever.  As reassurance, it was repeated twice today by two different mediums, “God-given struggles don't come to stay—they come to pass.”

Come to pass.

As I keep moving through my files I found old journal entries about those old relationships.  Those heartfelt cards had counterparts.  I read the tears, the hardships, the differences and the struggles I had prayed about then.

Those struggles?  They came to pass.

God was faithful to me then.  I’m wading through His faithfulness now.  Not gratefully waiting on Him, but ungratefully, impatiently waiting with questions hinting at distrust.

God, is this loneliness necessary?

Am I meant to be alone always?

What purpose does this serve?

Is this punishment?

Don’t You love me?

Where are the desires of my heart?  Have I not delighted in You?

He didn’t answer these tonight.  The only words heard were…

Necessary.  Necessary loneliness.

God, is this Your voice?  I can’t tell…

Isaiah 59:19 reads, “When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the LORD shall lift up a standard against him.”

God, please just protect me.  Be with me.  Give me strength.  I feel so weak.  And without a hint of what the future holds, my eyes are focused on the rearview, and this can be a dangerous place.

Day 260

I can't believe what she said

I can't believe what he did

Well maybe there's something I missed

But how could they treat me like this?

It's wearing out my heart

The way they disregard

They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

—Losing, Tenth Avenue North

·   Family Last night I spoke with my family over the phone.  I watched as the three of them sat and stood near each other on the sofa in the living room.  Dad was laughing, Steven was squinting, and Mom, I could tell, was keeping herself from tears.  The night hit me so hard and I looked upon each of them as if it was the last time I would see them.  I took in every smile, every word, every laugh, every far off stare that hinted at a sadness from our separation.  Just watching them I wanted to cry.  I just felt like I have betrayed them somehow.  Here I am, Heaven bound as far as I can tell, and they’re bound to Hell.  How can I convey that to them without scaring them?  It’s like we’re on a plane and it’s going down, and I’m panicking.  Grab this parachute!  This is an emergency situation!  I don’t know how to handle it gently.  I don’t know how to tell them about the love of Jesus—maybe I don’t believe it’s the love that would save them.  Maybe knowing of the imminent pain that awaits them would push them into God’s hands faster…but maybe that’s not the right approach.  Whatever the approach, I’m just lost and I’m just so sad every day that passes and they’re not saved.

·   Friends Being unsaved and having unsaved friends, things were much clearer.  When someone hurt you, the friendship was over.  Period.  There was no expectation of love continuing.  You took it back, they no longer deserved your love.  Now following Christ, there’s an expectation of brotherly love.  How do you love someone through the hurt?  And what’s more, how do you love them if they say what they’re doing, they’re being led by the Holy Spirit to do, or not do?  You question so much.  All I can say is, we can hurt others even while following Christ.  It’s not like we become saved and we never hurt anyone else again.  We might not be wrong, we may be as close to Christ as we can be, but just be sensitive to that—that we can hurt people even in our pursuit of Him.

·   Challenge I am so thankful that in everything that has been going on, these last few weeks, this year, that God has not allowed any men to pursue me.  It has made things easier.  I can’t imagine what I would do if someone walked up to me and said, “I like you.  I want to pursue you.”  Saying no would be difficult.  Either out of no interest or this challenge.  Can you imagine if I liked someone and he walked up to me and told me he was interested?  I would spend the rest of the challenge with him in the back of my mind.  I think of this now a little more than 100 days left of this OYC, and know this has been the greatest experience of my life, and as the end draws near…so does anxiety.  Maybe I’ll just never date again.

·   Twitter The older I get, the more I go through, the more I see—I just know every day is precious, and you never know when you’re going to go.  You never know.  You never expect to go.  Car accidents.  Shootings.  Heart attack.  Undiscovered brain tumor.  Cancer.  The list goes on and on of life ending instances.  And I think that’s why there is this heaviness on my heart—because I could leave any day, any time, by any way.  If I died tomorrow, I leave behind an unsaved family.  I leave behind unreconciled relationships.  I leave behind people who may not know how much I love them.  Two cute dogs.  Unsaved souls.  John Bryson said, “You have 16 hours a day you are not asleep, what are you doing with them?”  This story peaked my interest.  Alex Sullivan’s last tweet.  He never expected that to be his last day here…  What will I be doing before my last day...  How will it be spent...  Will I be able to say goodbye?  You never know.  Every day is blessing.

Day 258

We share the same birth month.  We share most of the same outlooks on life, the world, and people.  We share the same cheeks, body frame, and hair.  We love animals, fight to love people through our impatience and ugliness, can be self-righteous and temperamental.  We're both Cancers.  We both love Corvettes.  Our souls are knit together in a father-daughter bond that can never be unbound while here on earth.  And it's my prayer that this bond continues into and through eternity.  But I know that can only happen one way...

Happy birthday to my dad.  Too far away to hug.  Too far away to watch as he refuses to age.  Too far away to remind him to take it easy with a loving pat on his shoulder.  Too far away to see his smile.  Too far away to enjoy these precious years of his life...

...but not too far gone to be saved.  Not too far for the Holy Spirit to touch.  Not too far away for God to open his heart.

It's not too late.

God, save him.  Do whatever You have to do to save him.

Dad, it's your sixtieth, but you're still the same 40 year old I remember from my youth.  I love you and I pray for you every day.  Every day.  Even if it's just a sentence.  Sometimes it's a paragraph.  Some days it's all day.  Please be open to Christ.  Please, please, please know the truth.

God, please don't let him die not knowing...

Day 257

These last two weeks have been really difficult.

Like, the kind of difficult where I'm surprised I: still have a job, the engine in my car hasn’t exploded, neither of my dogs are dead, and I wasn't evicted.

That kind of difficult where everything has gone wrong.

This is probably the lowest point I've been in the entire OYC, but it's also probably the lowest point I've been as a believer.  A part of me never expected to feel this low again, subconsciously thinking being a follower of Christ would make the pain easier.

Well, I wish I could say it had.

But I'm struggling to stay afloat.  Every piece of me is spiritually hurting, definitely emotionally hurting, and even physically hurting.  One stint after another.  And I'm exhausted.  I'm exhausted from just...trying to stay afloat.

I'm in The Word, I'm praying, I am talking to God, but does any of it—has any of it helped me focus on the eternity instead of the now?

No, I'm crying out, "That's a great suggestion, God, but I'm in the world right now, I'm human, and I'm hurting!  The view from down here sucks and I'm drowning!"

So many pitfalls this week...  Innumerable...  As time has gone on, I've had those moments where you laugh to keep from crying.  You know those moments, right?

The I sent my rent check in the mail and it was lost moment...

The I went to the ER and insurance actually doesn't cover this moment...

The My dog had diarrhea again and I just finished cleaning the first round up moment...

The My cracked windshield is the one thing my full coverage doesn't cover moment...

The The friend I thought I could count on to understand, doesn't moment...

The She's my mother and she just said something that emotionally broke me moment...

The I washed my favorite shirt like always and it ripped in the machine moment...

The The customer I thought would always treat me with respect threw me under the bus moment...

The The client I've been working my ass off to help left me for another provider moment...

The The venue I wanted has been available this whole time and now it's not moment...

The Yet another couple formed and I'm still single moment...

The I have GPS and it automatically updated without my permission and now doesn't work when I'm out of town and need it the most moment...

I have had my share of moments these last few weeks, and I just want to throw up my flag.  What's worse is I really just want to say I don't care...  I want to shove it down and bury it and pretend like everything's okay.  Because I have God now and everything is supposed to be okay, right?  Why is that easier said than done?  Why is it not pinned to my heart like I thought it was?

I don't want to be the Christian whose seed of faith dies in the summer heat, when the difficult times arise.  And I don't think I am, but God...I feel like I'm going to break at any moment...the next moment.  And...

...where are you in this?

Day 256

Why am I not enough?

This is the resounding question in my heart, and like a dam withholding flooding waters, tears are not far from this.

That I should walk another day in fake smiles and forced laughs will be one too many, and eventually I'm going to collapse.

Trying to find My Heavenly Father. Did I not pray for distress? Discomfort? A dislodging of worldly security?

For what I prayed, I received, and though I should be grateful for this moment, these moments for which I so asked, I am not, and lay quiet on the floor before God, longing for Him, for comfort, for security, for worth, for understanding, for hope, for love.

It would be of bias taste to leave out the weak moments and share only the strong, so tonight I share a heart broken, a suffering of sorts, an emptiness as ripe as poison.

God, fill these lungs for my soul is weak. For everything that has gone so wrong this week, search me, oh, God, and know my heart that longs for You.

Day 249

What I’ve really been saying all this time is, “I’m okay being single as long…as everybody else is.”

I didn’t even know it until these last few weeks as more and more couples sprouted up.

Yeah, I can do this, as long as I’m surrounded by single people just like me.  Oh wait, they’re together?  They’re together.  They’re together.  They’re together.  And they’re together?  Oh, come on, God.  All at once?

As the ratio between singles and couples shifts, so has my comfort.

I think last night was the hardest night yet.  I’m sad, because I’m afraid friendships will be lost.  I’m sad, because dynamics change.  I’m sad, because I feel like I’ll be the last single person on earth—I know, cry me a river.  And I was angry at myself for being so sad.  Cleaning, showering, crawling into bed, these were the moments where I could feel the tears.  But as much as I wanted to cry, I couldn’t. 

Today came and went, and as I sat across from another friend at dinner, who shared she is also in the midst of a blossoming relationship, and, it was strange.  As the conversation continued, my sadness over the recent changes slowly melted.

C’mon, Jamie.  Really?  Are these outside circumstances really going to affect the inside?

I really had God strike me and say, “How does this,” imaginary-pointing to new couples, “affect you or My will over your life?”

Well, it changes things, God.

What does it change?

…

The people in your life may change, but My ultimate will for you prevails.  So why is there a sadness in you, child?

Well, I’m sad is because…I was comfortable!  We were one big happy single family, and now that season is over.

I’m the Lord of seasons.  Remember Saturday when you were reminded that I’m the ultimate?  That you start praising My gifts more than Me?  That good things can become bad if you idolize them?  You also remember Bryan saying that you only replace idols, you can’t remove them.  Friendships have skirted into the place of relationships.  We’re going to work on your heart right now.  Because even though you’re in a healthier place than you were, nothing needs to take the place of me.  Not relationships.  Not friendships.  Not comfort.

But, God, even people from seasons and seasons ago have found someone and gotten married.  What about me?

What about My will for your life?  You don’t trust Me?

…

So we’re back to that, are we?  What about the women’s group?  Your friends?  Every prayer and passion that I’ve answered, every gift that I’ve given, all those ah-ha moments that you had?  Does My faithfulness mean nothing in the midst of a circumstance that you don’t like?  You preached last night, don’t let your feelings lead you, lead them.  Well, what are you doing?

And I knew He was absolutely right.

Every time you feel like I’ve taken something from you, have I not given it back ten-fold?  You see it as loss, but really it’s gain.  To be comfortable in growth is unlikely.  You prayed for growth.  Well, here’s an opportunity.  And opportunity upon opportunity I shall continue to give if you only open your eyes.  Don’t be discouraged.  Don’t be sad.  Don’t be envious.  Use this time, this opportunity wisely.  You remember that sermon?  Every time you fail a test, it’s sure to present itself again and again until you pass?  You failed once.  Take this as an opportunity to do things differently.  Be encouraged.  Be okay with this.  Be happy with it, because I am for you, and whatever I give you is good.

Well, challenge accepted, God, and may the odds be forever in my favor.  (Luckily I know I have a God who conquered not only death, but singleness, so I think that’s a pretty good start.  Right?)

Earlier I said the focus of this challenge keeps narrowing.  This aspect of the challenge was something to which I was blinded.  Thank You, God, for revealing it and giving me the opportunity to grow and continue to love.  Please let me continue to focus on You and be joyful in Your will for my life, no matter what surrounds me.  Rein in this selfish heart of mine and release one that thinks of others before herself.

Day 247

“Do you think God is blinding you right now?” she asked.

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, and we sat in the apartment pool.  Half-sunken in its cool depths, I ran my hand through the water, mulling over the answer.   The sun rippled in the undercurrent of waves, and I sat thoroughly soaking in this revelation.

In first grade, I experienced my first crush.  And ever since then, I've been hooked on love.  I had crushes all throughout elementary school and junior high, and beginning my sophomore year of high school I was never found without a boyfriend.  It was a constant cycle.

How odd that a girl who spent the majority of her life focused on the men in it should find herself without affection for the first time in decades.

Of the men I meet on a daily basis, none seem to peak my interest.  And I believe it is a mixture of God's provision and discernment.

I sense Him trusting me, releasing me to make the decisions I couldn't make before.  To tell men I know are not for me that I'm not interested—which is something I have never been able to do.  I mentioned in a past post that my self-esteem was once so low I thought I owed it to any man who lowered his standards enough to ask me, to date him.  That has definitely changed.

I find as the months continue that God places in my life two types of men.  The first being men I find physically attractive, but have not the passionate heart for God that I seek.  And the second is men who are seeking Christ fervently but lack the chemistry it takes to fuel interest in something more than a friendship.

Eight months.  Two types of men.  I think the challenge in itself is not being swept away by one or another but trusting in God for him to provide a man who is both on fire for Christ and lights a quiet fire in me.

And this is what I believe to be God's provision.  That He is indeed blinding me from a man who could potentially quench both flames while letting me exercise discernment.  At this stage, I know enough to know attraction is not the glue that holds a marriage together, and, also, that “you don't wake up to spirit,” according to Bryan, and, while that loving God is the most important of factors, it is not the sole determinant in finding a husband or a wife.

Weeks later, intrigued and curious, her question has remained on my mind.  I wondered how much of this hiatus from seeking and being sought was dumb luck and how much of it was God’s hand.  As I prepared for quiet time today, question still on my heart, I opened my Bible.  Isaiah was presented before me and my eyes read:

I nodded in understanding as I reread His words.  And the vision of all this has become to you like the words of book that is sealed.  When men give it to one who can read, saying, “Read this,” he says, “I cannot, for it is sealed” (Isaiah 29:11).

I'm not quite sure what's to come at the end of this challenge or who, if anyone, will be presented to me by our Father.  All I know is it's not meant to be known.

I'm more than halfway through my book and with only chapters left to go, to suppose its end now would be cheating myself.  God wants me to succeed, He's rootin' for me.  So, through this blindedness, I say I see more clearly than ever before in that I trust my Father wholeheartedly with what's to come.

I'm excited to see what He'll reveal and I know He's just as excited, watching from high, as I push forward, pursuing His will for my life.  And who knows, if there is a future husband out there, maybe God's watching as he does the same.

Day 246

Keep going.

I hear God saying this every day.  And every day I find myself more excited just to follow Him.

Today JB’s sermon just hit on so many levels for me.  And God just kept saying, “Yes, listen.”

This is the sweetest stage of my life, because I can hear Him so clearly, and He is so loving. 

I say, “I’m crap,” but hear, “There is greatness in you, because I am with you.”

I say, “I can’t do this,” but hear, “You can, because I am with you.”

I say, “It’ll never happen,” but hear, “It will, because I am with you.”

I say, “I’m not,” but hear, “I AM.”

He is.  Yahweh.  Father.  Redeemer.  Savior.  And I want to spend my life pouring into the next generation.  I want a Joshua.  I want my life—the life He has given me—to be spent focused outward, not inward.

I have met so many new people just within the last week.  And meeting new people just ignites a fire in me to meet new people, to meet new people, to meet new people.

My plan—it may not be God’s plan, but it might be—these next months are going to consist of me focusing, growing, learning, and praying like I’ve never prayed before, because especially after the sermon today I know it’s on my heart to disciple women. 

Coming up from the dark depths of really what was Hell in my life—I have every reason to try and save and pour into women around me.  You don’t have to let your past mistakes decide who you are.  Christ knows who you are and He died for you.  He died for me and I was the ugliest person I knew.  I never knew how much He loved me until someone started pouring into me, and if I can share His love with other women, then, by God, I am going to do it.

I am still imperfect.  I still make mistakes.  I am still ugly and unworthy and terrible.  But I am His.  And they are, too.  And they need to know.  And I want to do anything it takes to get me to that point where I have opportunity and confidence in how to share.

God, I just pray that you keep unfolding the layers of my life.  I pray that this passion does not drift quietly on, but stays a roaring fire in my heart.  I pray that the lives of others around me are touched and driven by the same, and as iron sharpens iron, we push each other.  I pray for my future, that You would lay a path of direction and focus for what I am to do.  I pray for energy, emotional strength, and trust in You and Your will for my life.  I pray for the women I’ve recently met.  I pray for the women who come into my life.  I pray for my sisters whose idol is marriage.  I pray for my own heart that it stays on You.  I pray that I accomplish Your will, and I can make You proud.  Like JB has said in the past, I am just one beggar telling another beggar where to get bread.  Let me be used by You in great ways.

Day 245

If we hadn’t had a guest speaker, we wouldn’t have gotten out early.

If we hadn’t gotten out early, I wouldn’t have been standing idly in the hallway.

If I hadn’t been standing idly in the hallway, I wouldn’t have seen her.

If I hadn’t have seen her, we wouldn’t have had the most unintentional intentional conversation ever.

If not for that conversation, we wouldn’t have traded numbers.

And if we hadn’t traded numbers, she wouldn’t have been able to send me this:

And if I hadn’t received that, I wouldn’t have been a recipient to a blessing from God of a morning spent with honest, loving, touching fellowship with a group of beautiful, wise, God-fearing women.

For such my heart has been longing quite a while.  For the length of my walk with Christ I have never had an opportunity to just sit and share and listen and glean from older Christian women.

This morning was priceless and I’m left in awe of how God orchestrates every seemingly minute detail.  And I am so thankful for the invitation that led to something for which I have been hungering and have now experienced in a very honest, open way.

This hits two points for me.  One was meeting with older women, and the second is encouragement for the group that I am warily hearing God telling me to facilitate and, inadvertently but directedly, lead.  These women are part of a group built on God, prayer, fellowship, and trust, and I, presented with the same eagerness and opportunity, hear God saying we younger women can grow the same if God gives hearts that are willing and desirous of that fellowship.

I’m leery, because I’m no leader.  But I know what He’s calling me to, at the very least, attempt this and trust Him through it—which was the entirety of the conversation had by the group this morning.  Trusting God to deliver, to facilitate, to magnetize, to gather—to orchestrate everything.  Nothing is in my hands except allowing Him to use me.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget this morning and what it meant to me to experience that type of fellowship for the first time and to, again, experience God answering prayers in a very intimate way.

God, thank You for answering prayers, and I just pray You continue to lead me through this journey of becoming more like Your Son.  With You, in You, there is no failure, but the overwhelming sensation of abounding joy and security.

Day 244

Last night I rewatched the series and reread through some of my old blogs.

As I scrolled through each month, I recognized the entries into which I had poured myself.  Each moment seemed so far away, like the pages of a diary from someone known years ago—like an old friend, but yet just as crisp and clear as yesterday.  While reminiscing down memory lane, I also googled ‘one year challenge andy stanley’ and found several sites of people who had also committed to the One Year Challenge.  It was interesting to read their journals, each compiled in a different way, form, and fashion.  And so here is a summary I share of my journey thus far:

November  What am I doing?  Is this for real?

December  Yup, it’s for real.  I’m kind of lonely.

January  Heart prepares for a trip home as a Christian.

February  For the first time I experienced a love for my family I had never felt.

March  OYC took a backseat to sorrow as I mourned being separated from them.

April  Experienced a few crushes, offering growth; God granted a few deep women friendships.

May  Trips began to change my perspective; really saw there’s more to life than marriage.

June  Healthy balance between longing for a husband and satisfaction in Christ; how do I focus less on marriage?

July  How do I focus less on me?

Eight months in, it seems like the focus continues to change, always narrowing just a bit more.

·         To focus on God and God only as the satisfier of my soul.

·         To train myself on being a woman of God and a Godly wife.

·         To relearn and navigate friendships with men as brothers in Christ.

·         To find joy in every-day life.

 A lot of people say, “I’ve been single a year…two years…three years…all my life.”  Married people, tune out now.  This isn’t for you.  You’re married, happy—great.  Anyway, back to single people—it’s not that it isn’t admirable in today’s culture, but I ask what have you done with that time?  How have you focused?  On what have you focused?  How have you trained?  Prepared for marriage?  Where is your heart?  Are you happy single?  Or are you struggling through it?  It’s all about where your heart lies in Him.

I want to make this clear, being purposely single and being single because there is no one to date are two very different paths with two very different sets of intentions.  Being purposely single is a conscientious decision to close doors—not to wait for the right one to open.  Every day life changes in this one decision.  And victory—if I am victorious in this challenge it is not that I have remained single 8 months, but it is because my heart has grown intertwined with His, and I have found the joy that comes with letting myself be loved by Him.

To my readers who have remained with me throughout this trip, it is an every day battle in more ways than one.  I make no claims that it is easy, but it is worth it.

In fact, the more difficult it is, the more blessed you will be at the end of it.  God is shaping you.  Let Him shape you and DO NOT GIVE UP.  You will be tempted.  It’s the devil’s responsibility to do that, but don’t waiver.  Be encouraged.  None of what is accomplished is by our strength alone.  The only thing we can do is open ourselves up to God, relinquish our lives, and hand ourselves fully and irrevocably over to Him, and He will do the rest.

The most beautiful gift is that even while you may start this challenge for you, the farther along you go, the less it becomes about you.  The challenge of being single is present, but unlike before, it fails to take precedent, freeing up space, time, heart, and energy to help in the lives of those around you.  A life lived for you is lived in vain, but a life lived for others is never stale or wasted.

A life lived for others is a life worthwhile – Albert Einstein

Day 243

Rewatching the sermon series that started it all, North Point's Andy Stanley's The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating.  And I’m beginning to think, just like Bryan says there are books that he chooses to read once a year, it’s in my best interest to remind myself the values, direction, and suggestions Andy shares.

It’s hard to believe almost eight months have passed.  It’s been an amazing time.  Below are quotes from the sermons that began changing my heart.  They are packed full of wisdom, so these singular quotes don’t do them justice, but maybe it’ll offer an inkling of what stirred the fire in my heart.

·   Part 1, The Right Person Myth: She grew up in a religious home...She came to Atlanta and immersed herself in the singles dating culture...She's at this gathering, and...she met this guy.  And said this guy was, like, the total package.  The looks, the job, the personality.  As she began to listen to him talk, it was apparent he was Christian.  And not only was he a Christian, he was figuring out and committed to living out his faith in his job, living out his faith in his relationships, living out his faith in his dating relationships...Mature, good looking, and as she talked to him it brought back memories of some of the things she put on the backburner...She left that party, just wow...this guy, this guy, this guy...she goes home, and she starts telling her mom about this guy, and she's going on and on about how good-looking is he, and how he's Christian...and she said that her mother turned to her and said, "Sweetheart, the problem is, a guy like that is not looking for a girl like you."  She said she literally fell to the floor in a puddle of tears, and she cried and she cried and she cried, because she knew her mom was absolutely right. She said that was a defining moment for her as a single person. A defining moment where you know what, she's right...that guy that I'm looking for...he's not looking for someone like me.  In that moment, she decided life change, priorities changing, values changing, friendships changing.  I'm going a different direction with my life.

·   Part 2, Gentleman's Club: Jesus came along, He got it all started.  He got all those guys together and He said...I'm going to tell you something new.  John, get your pen out.  Now here it is, write this down.  New command, love one another—yeah, you in the back?  Even the women?  Even the women, there's no difference.  You talking about romantic love?  Not like a romantic love, but love one another as I have loved you...you're supposed to love one another.  Even the girls?  Yeah, shut up, even the girls.  I want you to look around this room, you have slaves, free people, you got all these people.  When you get together I want you to give equal love, concern, honor and respect to each other regardless of if they're slave, free, male, or female...all...Love one another as I have loved you.  By this the rest of the world will know that you're my follower...that you have love for one another.  By this, by the fact that you give this kind of honor and esteem to people regardless of their sex and regardless background, will tell the world, uh oh, something new is going on, by this one thing, people will know you're my follower.  That you love one another.  Men, do you know what that means?  Every single woman you are ever eyeball to eyeball with, in the office, in your studio, where you work, where you play, the neighborhood association, your mother-in-law, your wife's sister...every woman you’re eyeball to eyeball with, your Savior, who died for you, said, oh, by the way here's how I want you to treat her—I want you to love her like I love you...every time you're eyeball to eyeball with a woman you are looking at someone who is not only made in the image of God, you are looking at someone for whom Jesus Christ gave His life...be careful how you treat her.

·   Part 3, Designer Sex: Wait a minute, nobody's uniting, we're just having sex.  This little Greek word you've used here, Paul, this means like glue, like superglue, like permanent, like bonding, like intertwine, like scrambled eggs, like eggs and grit, like can't be sorted out, like permanent.  When I went down to the temple to have sex with the prostitute, I wasn't uniting with anybody...it was just a physical one-time thing.  I paid her a fee, we had a little religious ceremony, a little private thing, and I'm back, nobody's uniting with anybody.  Paul's over there going, 'That's because you don't understand sex—that when you have sex with a person there is a sense of permanence.  You become one with that person.'  One?  I didn't even know his name!  Again it was Spring Break, I wasn't trying to become one!  I was just kind of doing what my girlfriends did.  And Paul said, 'See that's the thing, you don't know.  Nobody told you.  It's not just physical.'  It's as deep, as soullish, and as personal as anything imaginable and God designed it that way, and you were designed to become one with one and when you continue to become one with person after person after person you damage your intimacy factor...you disconnect sex what it was intended for...and ladies, over time, you will become numb, and you will wonder why your husband can't awaken in you that which you expected.

·   Part 4, If I Were You: Every Saturday, in this city and cities all around, single people make promises that they can’t keep.  They mean to, it’s just that they make promises they are not prepared to keep.  Three, four weeks, or three or four months in, they realize, I know this is what I said, but this is hard, I really did mean it.  I meant it when I said it.  And…people get married and make vows they can’t fulfill, they just aren’t prepared.  And the reason they aren’t prepared is, when it comes to relationships promises are no substitute for preparation.  If you’ve ever entered a long distance race, you know all about this.  It’s one thing to sign up for the race, it’s another thing to prepare for it.  What determines if you finish the race…it’s whether or not you’ve prepared…When it comes to relationships, people think, ‘I can promise my way past my lack of preparation.’  Just because you say I do doesn’t make you able…Just because you say I do doesn’t make you capable…it only makes you accountable…and when you’re accountable for something you’re not capable of doing, it makes you miserable.

I’m not usually that person who pushes things, but, seriously, this sermon series is one of the best things we young singles can hear.  I strongly encourage anyone reading this to invest some time and listen to the series.  I’m eight months in—being single hasn’t killed me, much to everybody’s disbelief.  I am more full, more satisfied, more focused on Christ than I have ever been.  Doubt me?  There’s only one way to find out for yourself…

And Andy has four words for us:

Considerate it.  Do it.  Be the change.


(As a PS, here is a Google link to other sites of OYCers who took on Andy's challenge and survived!)

Day 240

I'm really sad tonight.

What am I doing with my life?  I have the longing, God, but not the direction.  When will you give me direction?

I feel so stagnant.  God, when will you give me for what my heart has been longing?  Will Saturday answer my prayers?

Hurting.  I'm hurting for her.  Because I know where she's been.  Heal her.

I'm so unsatisfied here.  I go to work.  I come home.  Come home to a furnished apartment and feel guilt and conviction.  I feel useless.  I feel disgusting.  I have so much and have given nothing in return.  My work is unsatisfying.  I deal with people who have money and people who don't have money, and it hurts.  I would so much rather be on the streets 24/7 helping the homeless.  I would rather have just enough to get me by and be out talking to those who need it.

God, I feel so lost.

Day 239

I had built a city in my heart.

In it, there were idols of men, sex, beauty, fortune, and acceptance.  Everywhere I turned I was facing myself.  

And just like the petals of a flower, God has been plucking the evil from my heart.

Twenty-six was an amazing year.  And not because it was an amazing year, but because it was the year that God took me, and said, “No more.”

No more will you put other gods before me.  No more will you hunger for unsatisfying loaves.  I will take everything from you that so that you have nothing.  I will hedge up your way.  And you will cease to be who you are and will be Mine.

Twenty-six was the most painful, difficult, heart wrenching year of my life.

And to note this stark contrast is important.

You take joy.  But what is joy when it is not compared to misery?  What is redemption without being lost?

In all ways I believe that God designs our lives.  He gave what He gave to me—bullies, boyfriends, abuse, family, sickness, loss—because He knew what would bring me to Him.  And not only that, but what would make me understand joy.

Richie Sessions shared this quote from John Newton in his sermon to Fellowship this morning:

Though we say this world is vain and sinful, we are too fond of it; and though we hope for true happiness only in Heaven, we are often well content to stay longer here on earth. But the Lord sends afflictions one after another to quicken our desires, and to convince us that this world cannot be our rest. Sometimes if you drive a bird from one branch of a tree he will hop to another a little higher, and from thence to a third; but if you continue to disturb him, he will at last take wing, and fly quite away. Thus we, when forced from one creature-comfort, perch upon another, and so on. But the Lord mercifully follows us with trials, and will not let us rest upon any; by degrees our desires take a nobler flight, and can be satisfied with nothing short of Himself; and we say, "To depart and be with Jesus is best of all!"

Checkpoints.

Birthdays are good checkpoints.

Last night as I fell asleep, I remembered where I was a year ago, with whom I was friends, the place in my life…

When I heard Richie was preaching on my birthday at Fellowship, I laughed.  I laughed to myself, I laughed to God.

The last time I saw Richie was two years ago when I was looking for churches.  He is an amazing pastor, but I just knew that his church wasn’t where I was meant to stay.  But his sermons kept my heart afloat during the beginning of my walk, one of my weakest points, where I was unsure of everything.

And so I was enthralled when Bryan announced God's personal birthday to gift me a few Sundays ago.  Imagine two worlds converging.  That's what this meant for me.  To see my old life, where I was, and feel fully at peace with what happened in my life.  Validation that I had been moving in the right step.

It means so much to me when I hear about churches working together.  I think so highly of our preacher and to know that our church thinks well enough of Richie was validation that when I left my old church in search of a new one, Independent Pres was a step in the right direction for growth.

My second birthday gift from God was hearing Glory to Glory.  I heard this song one of the first times I visited Fellowship.  I instantly fell in love with it—so much so that it became and stayed my ringtone for a year.  When I saw the lyrics up on screen this morning, I held back tears.  I hadn’t heard it in service since that day so long ago. 

This was also a checkpoint from God.  Remember where you were a year ago?  Remember when you first heard this song?  Remember when you hadn't given up your life to me?  Now, look.  Look where you stand, daughter.  I am so proud of you.

Third birthday gift from God was seeing everyone I’ve seen the last two days.  There were people touched me that probably don't even know the depth of how much their place in my life has positively changed and encouraged me.  I looked around at faces.  Some faces I didn't know well, some I haven't spoken to in a while, but I can name a moment that something they've done meant something to me.  Then there were friends I've struggled with, friends that I'm extremely close to, and friends I'd like to get to know better.  Just so many promises from God sitting beside me—and I just felt encouraged to be sitting in a Moe's and at SoB with groups of believers that are steadfast in their desire to be obedient to Christ.

Twenty-six was the most challenging year of my life.  And He used it all for His glory.  And I am so in love with Him.  I am so thankful to Him.  I am so smitten and taken and indebted to Him for all He has done and given me.  At 27, and walking with the Lord, I can't imagine what He has for me this year.  I'm prepared for His love, more challenges, more failures, and His everlasting love and grace.

I walked 25 years without Him, spent 25 years in Hell, and I am going to use everything—all that I've experienced—to exclaim His name to His people.  I just pray for a year of utter dependence, faith, trust, abounding love, discipleship, mentoring, learning, growing, moving, being...just being with Him and having Him all the time in my heart.

Twenty-seven...I used to ask myself if I was ready for you, but now I say to you, are you ready for me?