“I’ve always felt like God means for me to be married…”
they say.
And I slowly nod, listening, wondering then about my own
feelings.
There are many women who offer the “God would not give a
desire He wouldn’t fulfill” saying, and while I have a desire to be married, I can’t say the feeling is there. Even
though I long for it, I don’t feel like
a marrage is intended from God for my life.
And as I watch my friends’ feelings come to fruition, I wonder if it
means my own fruitless feelings will
indeed not bear any fruit.
The more and more couples that form, the greater the void
of loneliness becomes.
I was stationed in a place where I was comfortable being
single and then the ground suddenly crumbled from below me. The contrast between their together and my
singleness is as sharp as a needle.
My greatest fear at this moment is the end of this
challenge will be met with tumbleweeds—tumbleweeds blowing through the desert
of aloneness.
No dates, no boyfriend, no husband. What if after the OYC all that awaits me is
God? And only God. Is that enough for me?
I think it not coincidence that such a multitude of
couples has formed at the same time. Not
anything is coincidence with God. Each
one has been a silent stab to my heart, the pain prompting for a thorough
investigation through the dark caverns of my soul.
God, why does this
hurt so immensely?
It’s the contrast.
I have never felt more alone.
Them dating makes my aloneness—my decision to be alone, my undesired to
be alone, my struggle to be alone—even more amplified.
Magnified. Everything is magnified.
My fear of being alone. My fear of being the only single person left
alive in the entire world.
Last night I sat down and wrote
a listing of all the new couples in my life and all the couples that may
potentially form. Hours were spent
praying over them, and praying to God for a release from the anguish of being
alone.
And it was today I read this on
Facebook:
Alone. Married.
I don’t know what You want for me, God.
I don’t know what, if anything, these feelings of mine are telling me.
Whatever You’re trying to teach me through this, please help me see
it. You magnify and bring to light heart
issues so that we may work through them and become more like You. I don’t quite understand what You’re trying
to teach me here, so please…help me understand.
