Day 236

The moon was sad.

It followed us, the shadows of it forming a droop in the skyline above.  A sallow sadness hung above us.

No ordinary road we walked, there was laughter and merriment, but also wrecklessness and confusion.

For the first time as a saved soul, I strode down infamous Bourbon Street.  With every step my heart found itself deeper in a place of intrigue that was always eclipsed by anguish.

So much rich talent danced around us.  The street performers, the costumes, the music filled the warm air.  Its essence saturated the atmosphere and it all was indeed what fashions a night in New Orleans.

My eyes were wide with wonderment as I peered into each shop.  But it was when I saw them that my heart immediately fell to my feet.

They stood on the porch step stoop.  Smiling.

Of course they were smiling.  They were beautiful.  They were charming, I could tell.  Intoxicating.  But the depths of souls of the two women before us were overshadowed by their near-naked bodies.  Hostesses at the doors of stripclubs.

My pace slowed.  My heart stirred.  My soul panicked.

To each I wanted to run and metaphorically tackle like a mom distressed with a daughter’s outfit.

But though my heart continued to scream, I kept walking.  What would I say if I walked up to them?  I remembered not so long ago when evangelists preached to me.  I laughed.  I scoffed.  I dismissed.  I rejected.  I judged.  What would He have me do?  Preach about a God they don’t believe in?  How could I say it in a way they would understand how much they’re loved?

Fear had set in and my feet continued to move.

That was a really difficult night.

And this aching in my heart continues to deepen for the world.  My hunger to help, to save, is as constant as a pulse, but left unfed.

I have the passion, but not the words.  Not the absolute knowledge.  Not the Scripture memorization.  I have no sturdy foundation on which to stand should I approach someone about my God—our God.

For so long, I’ve made do with actions—letting my actions speak for me when my mouth cannot—and I’ve grown comfortable, letting His love for His children shine through me in ways that don’t involve formulating sentences, arguments, and reasons.  Not talking about my God has become protocol.

And lately I’ve been truly convicted of that.

Reading Revolutions in World Missions by Dr. K.P. Yohannan, an amazing book that you can request for free here, has really been hammering my heart.

He says, “There is nothing wrong with charitable acts—but they are not to be confused with preaching the Gospel.  Feeding programs can save a man dying from hunger.  Medical aid can prolong life and fight disease.  Housing projects can make this temporary life more comfortable—but only the Gospel of Jesus Christ can save a soul from a life of sin and an eternity in Hell!”

Those two women are still on my heart a month later, and I pray for them.  And I am terribly sad that I walked away without sharing the Gospel with them, or, at the very least, learning their names.

God, I have the desire to help “the least of these,” but am left speechless.  How can I be useful, how can I give You the most glory if I’m silent?  Please continue to provoke in me this desire to learn.  Place on me a confidence in Your Word so that I may share it with others.  Place me around non-believers.  Give me a heart that truly seeks to verbally share and not just physically act.   Let me be unsatisfied in this way and let me follow You to whoever You made lead me.  Give me peace about rejection and strength to keep pursuing.  Equip me, God.  

Day 235

The stress from today has set me in a state of zombie.  Is that a real term?  Zombie state of mind?  I'm exhausted.  My dogs stressed me out, too.  This birthday week has turned out nothing like I had planned it.  But all in God’s grace, He truly rearranged my life.  And I am so thankful for what He has shown me.

No serious thoughts tonight.  Tonight, here are some Jamieisms.  Things I believe.  Things I've learned.  Things I like.  Things about me...

·   I'm a hopeless romantic.  Constantly.

·   I believe the best accessory is a smile.  Smile all you can.

·   Music brings me joy.  I may not be able to sing, but I sing anyway.  And loudly.

·   Dancing is cooler than any other exercise.  And it's not that I don't believe in rhythm.  Rhythm doesn't believe in me.

·   Laughing at yourself is a priceless asset in this world.

·   A gaze poised towards Heaven will never set your feet, or heart, in the wrong direction.

·   Love is an arsenal strong enough to tear down empires, but bold enough to heal all wounds.

·   Friends will let you down.  Newsflash, you'll let them down, too.  Bygones?  Be bygones.

·   Be willing to try everything.  Memories will abound.  Memories are priceless.

·   If you seek the world, seek to save those in it.  All else is worthless.

·   The Fast & Furious movies are my favorite movies.  Throw in Tron and I'll be on the couch for hours.

·   I aim to be the girl who wears a brown sack and still looks fabulous.  Beauty radiates from the inside.

·   My deepest hurt, as a woman, is for women of this world.  We don't have to believe the lies.

·   Squirrels and birds always make me think of God, because I am always reminded of Matthew 6:26.  I see them every day, I am reminded of His love every day.

Goodnight tonight.  Tomorrow is a new day.  This Thursday is unlike any other Thursday you will have lived before.  Try something new.  Laugh at a mistake.  Smile at a stranger.  Feel pretty or handsome, because you are.  Sing in the car.  Dance on the street.  Live joyfully.  Thankfully.  Lovingly.  Goofily.

Day 234

Today was like any other day until I received an unexpected message from a friend 800 miles away.  Her sisters—essentially my sisters—had been in a car accident here in Memphis.

She asked that I go to them, and an hour later I was walking as fast my heels could carry me to the ER.  The first sister I saw was standing outside the building, exhausted.  I tried my best not to tear up as I delicately wrapped my arms around her bruised body.

As we walked inside, there the younger sister sat and it took all my strength not to squeeze her to death, elated that she was in one piece—albeit a little bruised, bloodied, and covered in her Starbucks strawberry frappuccino.

As they gathered their belongings, their brother, who had luckily not been in tow with the sisters, and his friends stood up from the uncomfortable chairs.  We all began to edge toward the door, but before we made it out, one of the friends asked, “Can we pray?  I think we should pray…”

We gathered in a circle, listening to the words he spoke, the prayers he prayed over the family, rejoicing over our God who gave them another day.

I mean, right there, in the middle of the hospital, he prayed.  I had never seen that before.

And right there, my heart was like, “Why can’t I do this?”

And then the questions came.

Why don’t I pray more?

Why don’t I pray with others?

Why can’t I pray confidently?

Why don’t I have a group who knows my prayers?

And I couldn’t think of any answers.

For the last two years I’ve wanted so desperately a group of women with whom I could consistently and openly share prayers.  And right now I have so many prayers.

I do great sharing them with God, but who do I really ask to pray with me?  And even though I have that longing, have I done anything to change it?  No…and so today was when I finally thought to myself I’m tired of that longing.

So I took a breath, wrote a message that hopefully displayed my intentions well, and sent it to about 50 women.

I don’t know how quite this will turn out, but much of it is truly just turning over my pride to God, if it doesn’t.  I’m hoping and praying and meditating for what’s to come.  God, this in Your hands, and I’ll move forward in whatever way You direct.  Even if that includes going back to drawing board empty handed.

Day 233

You can’t put God in a box.

A bad health report is what finally opened my eyes.

For years, my happiness depended on men.  And it’s not until now that I can say with complete clarity that this showed me that my marital status meant more to me than my status with God.  And I use “status” here to denote a relationship, not an earned entitlement.

There are many things that open a heart to Christ—far too many to list.  But a gaze from a doctor who looks on in mercy will set a term on life quicker than finding a gray hair.  Feelings of immortality fade and mortality sets in.  I believe when this happens, along with developing a relationship with Christ, priorities change.  Suddenly people, experiences, and opportunities that at one time did not press upon my heart become priority.

The importance of a day is realized.  Not in a fearful way, but in a way that I want to taste, smell, and exist on this earth in a way that both enjoys His gifts and glorifies them while shining light on His children.  I want to sense God on a daily basis.  I want to feel Him in the breeze, admire the rippling of birds in trees, wander down the streets men made, but He planned.  He planned everything.

I want to be near to Him.  I crave feeling Him, because there is so much peace in His presence to be had.

And if I should have a hunger for a husband, it won’t exist until he—and He—awakens it.  Of this much I am sure.  To come upon a man who steals my heart in such a way feels as if it’s eons away.  An eternity.  I have so much I want to do for Christ, and if a man enters my life, he will be one who hungers after the same calling—not necessarily the same style, age, race, gender, or infirmity—but he shall be seeking the will of God as much as I. 

As I’ve been asked throughout the week what’s to happen at the end of this challenge, I feel nothing in my heart the way of an answer.  I have not pursued anyone, diligently, and no one has pursued me, and there is no promise that anyone will. 

My days of searching for him have come to a crossroads, and what once was a strangling longing has become a simple desire to be simply aware of God’s hand in my life and of those He brings into it.  I trust God to deliver in His time.  I trust Him, period.  And I trust that the man He places in my life will pursue me just as passionately and fervently as he has pursued our Lord.  No man who is truly impassioned sits idle unless he is called to do so by God.

You can’t put God in a box just in the way you cannot manipulate a man to love you.  The setting of situations, in my opinion, is empty, and possibly the forcing of a Hand that is not meant to be moved.  He shall come for me when he comes for me, if he comes for me, by God, and not just until then but for far much longer I shall cling to the cross that gave me life.

And if I live alone for the remainder of my life, I shall do so happily for I will be living for Him.  And such is to the glory of God that I spend my life searching out His lost children, sharing His Word, and shining His love on those who I may come to know as brothers and sisters.

For He has given me life, and to spend it comparing singleness to Hell and marriage to Heaven would be a waste of the rest of the flowers in the sparkling fields of His beautiful work.

We are but vapors in the wind, and when my time has come, I pray to look back upon generations, countries, neighborhoods, and races that I spent my life pursuing in His name.  Close to Him is where my heart lies satisfied and I refuse to let myself so willingly sacrifice Him on the altar to anything else, but choose instead to sacrifice my life, because it is His.  He saved it.

Father, I pray you give me eyes to see, a spirit to pursue, and a heart to feel both You and Your children.  Guide me, Holy Spirit, with words from God to be shared with lost hearts.  Christ, let me walk as You did so long ago, self-sacrificing and lovingly.  Remove from me the drive to pursue worldly, wasted desires.  Cast out fear, develop knowledge, and shine opportunities.  Please continue to change my heart and let me be a warrior for You, a warrior of love and compassion, unafraid, but tender.  I am so small and insignificant, but use me.  Use me.  Use me, Your humbled daughter.

Day 232

This week has taken me back months and years, bringing women into my life struggling with relationships, break-ups and idols.  I look into her sorrowful eyes, recognizing a fractured heart that seems like it will never be healed.  I see into her soul, recognizing the raw longing to be loved here on earth.  I listen to her words and remember the cycle of break, cling, despair, repeat.  I have lived through it.  I know where they walk, because I’ve walked the same path.

It took nearly seven months of sacrifice to find myself in a place content and satisfied in Christ—a place that seems light-years away from a newly broken heart or an addict who has spent their life relapsing into relationship after relationship.

As I prayed last night, as the ache covered my heart for my sisters, I found myself promising God, “God, if I can be a role model for single women—if I can be someone they look to, seeing joy can exist in a life without a husband, then let me single.”

It was maybe the most difficult prayer I’ve ever prayed.  But the most earnest as well.

I’m not so lonely at night anymore.  I don’t miss texts at the beginning of the day.  I don’t ache for texts at the end of the night.  I don’t crave attention.  Happiness doesn’t rely on affection.   I opened myself to God and trusting Him and what came was a whirlwind of promises, hope, and realizations.  One being that He is all I need.

I feel as if I’m on the edge of deep canyon.  I’m on one side, and I see women—my hurting, aching sisters, my comrades—on the other side.

“I’m here!  I made it!” I want to scream.  “I made it through the starvation, the thirst, the sunburns, the stench, the heat, the cold, the rain, the dark nights—but I’m here!  It’s possible!  Keep going!”

All that I am right now, praise be to the Holy Spirit for His help in my life.  I didn’t do it alone—heck, I didn’t do anything.  I let Him take the wheel.  The reason I’m on the other side of the canyon is because I sacrificed.  I trusted Him.  I let Him lead.  I merely followed.

It’s not impossible.  Nothing is impossible with Christ.  I am proof, sisters!  I am flesh and blood proof that you can possess joy without possessing a ring.

I so desperately want to show Christian women that there is more to life than wedding bells.  Thanks to Eve for biting the apple—child birth and a longing for our husbands.  Great.  Good job, Eve.  Screwed us all.

No!  It doesn’t have to be that way.

Here’s the reality.  The church, the world, our own hearts put a lot of emphasis on marriage and becoming a person someone would want to marry.  In my life, I meet women in their sixties and seventies who were never married.  Get that?  Never married.  This is a reality, it may not happen.

What will you choose to do with information?

Sulk?  Be angry with God?  I encourage you, do those things.  But afterwards, when emotions have settled, vow to live a life that’s glorifying to Him regardless of what—or who—you have.

And that’s as simple as opening your heart to The One Who made it.

The greatest gift-giver.  The most talented artist.  The deepest lover of your soul.  The everlasting father.  The breath-taking poet.  Our Savior.

I come to you not self-righteous, praising the challenges I have overcome—for I have overcome nothing without Christ.  From a deep hurt, I praise only God for the change in my heart, sisters.  I come to you from a place of empathy, crying out that there is healing to be had, hope to be if only you would let it overtake you.  Until you give God the clay, you’re stuck with dirt.  But in His hands, it’s the most awe-inspiring piece of art we could ever see.  Be art.  Have joy.  Live for him—the right Him.

I love you.  And I’m praying for you.

Good night, and better days ahead.

Day 231

"Well, look who it is..."

Actually, I may not have said anything at all.  I think I burst into laughter from an uncomfortable disbelief.

My ex's picture flashed on the screen as I brought up an online dating site.

Reminiscent of how we met four years ago, though he refused to admit to anyone the truth of how me met, his picture stared at me.

And I laughed.  And I knew then that I would not be meeting anyone online.  If ever there was a sign from God, this was it.  I could hear Him saying, "Why?  Why would you do this all over again?  Do you not trust Me?"

Okay, God, this was all I needed.  I'm leaving this whole dating thing up to You when it comes time.  I'm not going to do anything, because this, to me, is You saying, Hold on, I got this.  This isn't how you need to meet someone.


And today, as I lounged around with a friend by the pool, I just started thinking about life.  And in it, I saw the little things, little promises from God.

"Never again..."
"I will..."
"He will.."

Safe to say I don't know how God is going to bring him to me.  I don't know when, by what means, or who it will be.  (Or if anyone, and if no one, it's amazing that I'm good with that, too!  Talk about milestone!)

Those questions are no longer burdens.

And I can't say enough how much this year has changed my life and my perspectives.

I have had an amazing summer so far, and there is so much to come.

Florida.

New Orleans.

Sardis Lake.

Suzanne's birthday.

My birthday.

Fort Worth.

September.

And that's not to mention the little things.  Like Moe's on Thursdays.  New local restaurants on Wednesday. Having a beer with a group of friends.  Going out to Shelby Farms with the dogs.  Sitting at the pool.  Sitting in my car during lunch and resting.

My heart is so full.  The fullest its ever been.  And everything every day is changing me.  From the people who walk into my life, from the books I read, from the sermons I hear, from what I see on TV, from what I experience.  And I can't imagine what other amazing and challenging things are to come.

God, please keep growing me and challenging me.  Please hold me up when I'm low.  Please remind me of Your love for me every day.  Wake me with your steadfast love so that I may be satisfied in You daily.  Please keep bringing new people in my life.  Remind me of the grace You've given me so that I may give grace continually.  Remove the irritation, the anger, the resentment.  Keep changing my heart.  And keep reminding me of how it is ALL in Your Hands!

Day 230

A year and a half ago I thought my soul was going to break into a million little irreconcilable pieces.

Here I stand, amazed and intrigued by God's work in my heart.

Through a series of events today, a final thought flashed in my mind:

I'm content.


Oh, snap.  What?

I'm content being single.


I'm content not searching out a husband.


I'm content being free from my past of dependency.


I content seeking out God's will.


No, not just content...elated and joyous!


I thought of the many people who are in my life today and just felt grateful for their presence.  Each and every one like a puzzle piece suited to my heart.

Praise Jesus for these people.  Praise God for his unwavering love.  How this change has occurred in me I do not know.  All I know is that it has, and, while I may want a husband, it does not rule over me anymore.

Not like it did where I wept for weeks over a lost relationship.  Not like it did when I gave myself to men for attention.  Not like it did when how I dressed, what I said, where I went depended on who of the opposite sex was going to be there for me to flirt with....

Nooooo.  And I just can't explain the freedom in that!  I can't say in words how much He has changed me.  I can't say how thankful and grateful and indebted I am to Him for ALL He has done.

And I pray the same for my other single women friends.  I wish that they too would know the joy of being single and standing with Christ.  I wish that while that ache may remain that they find satisfaction in life as is.

I stand on the other side, saying it is possible.  It is plausible.  It is more than what I can express in words.

And if we're never meant to marry, women among me and afar, I pray that God blesses you with a passion that fulfills and compels your compassionate heart.  I pray that you are so filled by Him that the desiring of a husband is but a mere afterthought.  I pray that whatever your niche...children, seniors, minorities, continents, callings...I pray that your hearts aches fully for those causes and is driven by the desire to bring glory to Him.  I pray past relationships play no part except reconciliation and recovery.  I hope hearts bear witness to those around you that there is joy in NOT SETTLING.  I pray that women, in a sisterhood, band together and know that sitting on a porch in rocking chair with lemon pepper wings and a freeze cup with a best friend or god-child is the culmination of a life well lived and a God well served, where He can look back and say, "I could ask nothing more from you, My child.  I adore you and love you."

Day 229

The vehicle slowed. Any cautious, on-edge girl knows that sound.  It’s what her parents warned her about daily as a child.

I know something has been changing in me because my reactions have changed...like with this slowing vehicle that was probably being driven by a guy looking at me while I walked my dogs.

I wasn’t in the mood.  No chit chat.  No cat calls.  I wanted nothing to do with whoever was stalking me.

And as the truck passed—as it turns out, full of college-aged rednecks hanging out of the windows, gawking—I turned and gave them the dirtiest keep-driving-before-I-gouge-out-your-eyes look I could muster.

How is it that men can be so gross sometimes?

How is it that that’s they’re way of approaching the girl?

So much has changed since my view moved from the world to the Kingdom.  So much, including how I see myself.  Value.

Today at work, it was the same routine.  Guys came in, being the old pervs they are, made inappropriate comments and stared just a minute too long in a place that was too low to be appropriate.

But something inside me was different.  Instead of my mind saying, “You’re disgusting, the only men you attract are old, dirty pervs and that’s all you’re good for,” I was irritated.  I was irritated and annoyed and instead I was thinking, “These guys are gross, and there is no excuse for their behavior, and I’m not a slut, they’re just disgusting.  I’m not disgusting, these men are disgusting.  And you know what else?  They have made it so clear what I’m going to be looking for in the future.”

Not them.

I’m going to want a guy who gently pursues me.  Who tells me I’m beautiful without lusting after me.  Who cares about my thoughts and concerns.  Who never makes me feel like an object.

Gentle.  Unthreatening.  Safe.

Those three adjectives go much deeper than I can explain tonight.  I just know when I start dating again, my standards are going to be very, very different, because I’m very, very different, and every day I find out a little more of what I want and how I expect to be treated.  And every day I look forward to meeting him just a little bit more.

Here’s to the men of the world who treat women with considerable care and never cross the boundaries that make them feel uncomfortable.  You’re appreciated.

Day 227

Pregnant.

She was pregnant and dressed in nothing but a mini-dress.

It was November of 2010 and I stood downtown in Confederate Park surrounded by a large group of homeless men.  She was one of the very few homeless women there that day, and she stood before me, bearing child and wearing near nothing on a winter day in Memphis.

Go get her your jeans!

I paused.  For whatever reason, I had brought an extra pair of jeans with me that day—my favorite pair of jeans—and stored them in my car.

My feet didn’t move.

Do it.  Go get your jeans.  She’s pregnant, Jamie!  You have so many pairs, just give her these!

But I didn’t move.  And I watched her walk away after receiving food.

And instead of it being the frigidness of the day piercing my skin, what I felt was the cold that had seeped into my bones from the decision of a selfish heart.

Present day.  This is my closet.

After the sermon by Bryan on Sunday, the nausea set in.

If I wore one outfit a day, I would not run of clothes for 6-8 months.  Without doing laundry, I would be able to clothe myself for six to eight months.

I counted my shirts.

I felt sick.  And not because having things is wrong.  But because I find in myself a lack of desire and ambition to be kingdom hearted with my money—with God’s money.

I spend, spend, spend on myself—and for what?  Why?  Bryan asked the question, “Why?” on Sunday.  Why do I need this?  And I find I never ask myself this question.

It’s wrong because I’m always putting my wants above the needs of His children.  If I’m honest, I haven’t given anything to anyone, to any foundation, to any shelter—no, I’ve kept it all for me.

And this conviction inside of me has been stirring ever since that November when I decided to keep one of my 10 pairs of jeans for my sake rather than care for His child who needed them.

I’m sick to think about it.

Do you know how many clothes I’ve bought that I told myself…

I need this!

Why not?

I deserve this!

I want this!

They’re buying it!

I looked through the items that I once so desperately wanted.  Dresses I’ve worn once.  Shirts I’ve never worn.  Pants I swore I’d lose weight to wear.  Clothes I still own from ten years ago that I can’t bear to let go.

It’s like that $500 class ring for which I begged my parents that sits in a jewelry armoire in a jewelry box, worn, maybe, once a year.

These are investments, I argue with myself. Work clothes, work shoes, dresses for weddings, classy stilettos, work out clothes I never work out in—these were things I argued with myself to buy.

Investment, Jamie?  What can you take with you?

I feel as if I’ve invested too much in myself, too much in the world, and I haven’t done anything for His kingdom, for His children, for my brothers and sisters.

What have I become when I spend double-digits on coffee, but can’t spare change to the homeless standing on the divider in the middle of Poplar?  Or buy a candy bar from a student?  Or Girl Scout cookies from a Girl Scout?  Or tithe?  Or support others?

I’m dying.  Every day we’re all a little bit more dead.  Morbid.  But what will our legacy be to the world?  My old Target dresses?  American Eagle jeans?  When I go, this stuff won’t follow, and honestly, probably nobody is going to want my old, used crap.  So what purpose is it really serving?

This stops right now, because I can’t bear to waste what I have been given on things of this world anymore.  I refuse to move past this point and not change.

I invite anyone reading this, anyone who knows me, at any given time to ask me, to question, to e-mail, to tweet, and ask me, “What have you bought today?”  Embarrass me.  Encourage me.

Someone hold me accountable, because I can’t do this on my own but know desperately it needs to be changed.

I want the kingdom of God, not the things of this world.  And more importantly—most importantly—I want the kingdom of God for others.  And if I start to manage my money better—in a way that is others-focused instead of Jamie-focused—so much more of that will be accomplished.

And nothing to further the kingdom is ever given in vain.

Bryan Loritts, Fellowship Memphis, says:

"You know what?  I was putting this message together, and I thought, wouldn't it be cool if I could pull out the old pair of stone washed jeans?  Just kind of show them.  I couldn't find the stone washed jeans, couldn't find the Jordache jeans, couldn't find the fat boy laces I just had to have.  Couldn't find those shell-toed Adidas I just had to have."

"It's just the new apple...and I'm not talking about computers."

"Just like the other day, my son comes home, and there's a pair of socks that he wants, and I said, 'We can talk about it, how much are they?'  Forty-eight bucks for a pair of socks.  I said, 'What do they do?'  Because if I put on a pair of $48 socks, I'm going, 'Do something.'  And then I just said, 'I'm not going to tell you yes or no...the answer's no...but I'm not going to tell you yes or no, but why?  Why do you have to have them?  Let's just get underneath the hood, let's go from actions, let's get to the heart, what's in you?'  'Well, dad, the other kids have it...I just really want to fit in, and it's just kind of what they do, and if I have this then I'll be that.'"

"So, let me ask you a question.  If Jesus were to look you in the eye, and say, 'If you be perfect, go and...sell your house, go and...never buy another new pair of shoes, go and...fill in the blank.'  If there's a hiccup there, it means there's something there I need to kill."

"It's like me coming to you in March of 1912. It's 1912, March. 'Hey, man, I got this great business venture.  They just built this ship, biggest ship ever, and they're looking for investors, and, man, and I think you should invest $15,000, in this ship!'  'Oh yeah, yeah!'  'If you invest $15,000, I promise you're going to make $100,000.'  'Really?  Really?  Really?  That sounds good!  Let me just go to the bank and I'm going to write you a $15,000 check.  Now what's the name of the ship?'  'Titanic.'  Well, of course, knowing what you know now, I'm not investing in that.  Because it's going down.  It's not going to last.  Then why in the world are you investing in this world?  Why in the world are you consumed with stuff that's going to be out of style next month?"

Day 226

I may be single forever.


This was my thought as I perused ChristianMingle.com.  Because, yes, I wanted to see what's out there.

This was my thought as an old man sat in a chair and said he had never been married.  Because I realized at 65, I could very well be saying that.

This was my thought as 16 new engagement pictures popped up on Facebook of friends of friends, and how I could see them I have no idea.  Because I realized that may never be me.

Ah, ripe 27.  More like rotten, past prime and wrinkly 27.  Part of me thinks if I'm not married by now it's safe to say I will never be.

I look at Christian relationships and marriages now and I realize that in the south if you're not married by your early twenties, heck, at 18, you have to really put forth a great amount of effort to find the one.

Some marry their high school sweethearts.

Some go to college to get their MRS.  (Yeah, never heard that before I moved to the south.  Gag.)

It's not so much my happiness and joy are dependent on being married, because they're not.

But on mornings like this morning, sometimes I wake up and think, "Man, it would be nice to wake up in somebody's arms."

Or, "It would be nice to be kissed right now."

Or, "It would be nice to cuddle on the couch."

Or, "It would be great if I had a boyfriend so he could intimidate the jerks who normally hit on me and protect me."

Or a grand multitude of things that I would like to share with somebody as I grow old.

But most Christian guys are married.  Or focused on other points of life.  Or still too immature.  Or not ready.  Or gay and struggling.  (I'm not putting it all on the men here...because women have an array of things that cause them to be unavailable, too.)

It's been 9 months since I've kissed anyone.  It's gotten to the point where I can't watch TV or movies without looking away during kissing scenes.  Why?  Because it's freaking hard not to want that stuff even more when I see it.

Why?  Why, God?  That's the only question I have.

And I know it won't be answered in a night.

And I'm not complaining.  Just documenting this feeling.  Because sometimes, yes, it's a struggle.

Oh, Eve...why did you bite the apple?

Day 225

One of my favorite places is Goodwill.  For a lot of reasons, actually, but the main one is because I’m a bookworm.

I love to read, and not only does Goodwill have shelves upon shelves of books, but they’re all under $3.00!  How can you beat that?  You can’t.

A few months ago I found John Piper’s The Legacy of Sovereign Joy.  I needed joy in my life at the time, but there was definitely another reason God pointed me to its place on the shelf that afternoon.

After leaving the store and coming home, I plopped down on my couch and found that there was a rift in the pages.

Maybe an old bookmark, I thought, as usually is the case with used books.

But when I opened the book I found instead an old Father’s Day card.

I knew it was intended for the former owner of the book, but I couldn’t help but to rejoice with its words.  Meant for an earthly father, I felt its sentiments were truly words I could have given to God.  And, today, as I celebrate fathers, I would find it wrong to not finally share this card with Him, the ultimate father.

First you gave me roots,

God, You knew I was lost and that I had been lost for a long time.  When I met You so long ago at that church You knew exactly how to draw me to You.  You gave me a community, You gave me a relationship, but You also gave me a spirit for truth, and in doing so, what followed was a spirit of obedience.

and showed me how to grow from them…

And then You took me through one of the most painful years of my life.  You had set the foundation for me, and when my world fell apart—and it did, boy, did it—You were the only thing left.  You gave me an opportunity to use what I had learned, to love who You put in my life, to rely on You in moments of grief and anger, and You let me be furious with You.  All so that I could continuously find my way back to You in those months.

…then you gave me wings,

And I fought to fly.  I fought the loneliness, the anxiety, and the hopelessness.  In it all, through it all, my eyes remained locked on You.  When I thought times were too difficult, too fleeting, too hopeless, there You were pushing me forward, reminding me constantly that my ways are not Your ways and that You confound the wise.  You began to give me opportunities.  Some of which I overcame, and others at which I failed.  Every single opportunity provided a learning experience, where I learned not only about You, but who I am in You as Your daughter.

and taught me how to fly.

We went from being grounded, the roots, to being uplifted, flying, in the sky.  God, You taught me through so many people what it is to love You, what it is to be filled with joy.  And as I move through life, no, it’s never easy—and thank You for that—I hang onto that joy.  When I’m sad, upset, hurting, angry, You have proved Yourself over and over again that I can trust You, that I am loved by You, that You will never leave me nor forsake, that everything You do is for my good.  As God, You didn’t need to prove jack.  All powerful, all knowing, all immutable, righteous, You could have swept me clean off the planet for my disobedience.  But You didn’t.  I’m still here, new blessings every morning.

I know not the path of my life.  Whether it is I will be married or single, mother or surrogate, writer or starving artist, missionary or caregiver—alive or dead on any given day.  But I know You and Your heart and will for my life, that whatever it may be, it’s for me.  You are for me.  You are the perfect Father, the greatest lover, most gracious Savior, Lord and Master of my life.

And I wouldn’t trade any of what I’ve gone through for anything else.

I am so thankful for You and the path that You predetermined for my life.

How great is Your love for me!  I may never fully comprehend.  And I ask nothing else from You today but that You would use me to show others the very love that moved my life farther and deeper than anything else I’ve ever known or will know.  True love is wasted contained, but shared it is spread as legacy throughout the world.  And in a world full of sinners, nothing is greater than the freeing love of Christ.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

Day 224

My favorite weddings are the ones where the bride and groom are goofy.  The type of couple that just laugh at life—those are the people I love to watch marry.

Because I promise you, my groom and I will be cutting up on our wedding day.  I might trip awkwardly down the aisle, laugh as we say our vows, smash cake in his face, breakdance on the dance floor, and laugh hysterically through it all.

That’s one of the many things I’m searching for as I grow up.  Just someone I can laugh with.  After the romance dies down, I want to know I’m marrying my best friend.  The person who doesn’t take life so seriously.  The person who can laugh at himself.

I know we’ll be different in so many ways, but I ask that God makes us compatible in two:

1.       Let our senses of humor feed off one another.

2.       Let him be the type of person who has “never met a stranger.”

I see so many good things for my life.  I see myself serving and helping and meeting so many new people, and I want him to be right there with me.

Right now I’m watching Friends with Benefits.  Now, I’m not pro-friends-with-benefits, nor have I ever been—but to watch the friendship/relationship that develops between Jamie and Dylan really just reminds me that I want that.

That laughter.  That baring your soul.  That freedom to joke.  The fun.  It’s fun to watch them.  And I pray for that.

I’ve heard from a lot of people that the closer you get to thirty, the more you know yourself.  The more secure you are in you.

And that has definitely been true for me.  I know more about myself now than I ever have.  I’m more confident.  More secure.  I know what I want and what I won’t settle for anymore.

And that reminds me that being single will always be better than settling.  And I’ll keep my heart open for that guy who comes along who can be my best friend, my lover, and my husband.

Though this is Memphis, where barbecue abounds, I know I’m somebody’s rib...and eventually he'll find me :)

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD (Proverbs 18:22).

Day 223

The cool thing about not trusting God is when He shows you exactly why you should and you realize you were an idiot for not doing so in the first place.

This last week was spent among friends.  So many different friends.  And I can’t even remember how many times I laughed.  But tonight was special.

When you think God can’t, He can.  Redemption.  Grace.  Love.

Why was I so angry?  Why was I so distrusting?

Sitting across from friends tonight I was just in awe of what an idiot I am.  Like, how can I not feel loved?  Forgiven?  A part of a group?

I may not have a set community anymore, but I’m loved, and what’s more, I’m loved through my stupidity.

There are friendships where you have to work at feeling comfortable with another person.  There are acquaintances that never warm up to me.  There are people around me I doubt even like me or care to get to know me.  I see them more often than other people in my life.

And I think that’s why when I sit down with people who just exude an aura of hey-I’m-here-to-laugh-and-I-don’t-care-what-you-think-of-yourself-because-I-love-you-because-God-loves-me, I just feel at home.

And I’ve missed that feeling for so long.  I’m a big enough idiot to walk away from it, and big enough idiot to complain about the path God takes me down.

Redemption, forgiveness, and grace are amazing things.  A friend who loves you, great.  A friend who you screw over and hurt, and loves you through it, and accepts that we’re all sinners—there’s something rare in that friendship.  Something to be treasured.  Because not only is God trying to do something through that, but they’re letting themselves be used by Him.

And I’m just so thankful that I can laugh with people I’ve hurt.  I’m so thankful they love me enough to try, to open themselves up again to me even though I’ve hurt them.  I’m so thankful for new friendships, for people who are open to my goofiness and ditzy-ness.  I’m so thankful for the people who let me be myself and love me for it and hug me when they see me and laugh at what I say or do or really whatever it takes to make me feel loved.

I don’t know what God has planned for me during these next months.  I don’t know who will be in my life and at what capacity, but I sure do treasure these moments He gives—the ones that shine His light and love on a heart that otherwise is so, so lost and insecure.

Thank you to my friends.  A big thank you to God.  And a big happy birthday to the beautiful, thoughtful, hilarious, fashionable, voluminous-haired Lauren Sullins.  I hope we’re friends for a long time to come, and thank you for loving me enough to let me share in your night of celebration!  Glad you were born :)

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate (Luke 15:22-23).

Day 222

My mind is in a few different places tonight, so you know the routine.  Bullets!

·         Dirty Paws  Food, music, dogs.  As long as you know those things about me, we’re pretty much best friends.  Went to Shelby Farms yesterday where the pups were able to stretch their legs, run a few miles, and swim endlessly in the lakes.  It’s such an amazing feeling to see them playing, and to know they’re happy.  Cheeyo tried his best to swim out into the middle of the lake, and he almost humped a puppy.  Yeah, that’s my boy.  Paris chased a greyhound and made friends with some strangers, and when I got home I had two tired dogs.  I love them, and I realized it a little bit more when I came home to an empty apartment after dropping them off to spend time with their uncles.  (Thanks, guys!)  It felt weird to not have them around and definitely made me appreciate them all the more.

·         Single Like Kraft Cheese  Guy tried to add me on Facebook again.  I thought not saying no to a date and avoiding him altogether was the nicest way to say no.  An obvious way.  I don’t know if God’s pushing me for a response or if this is just the enemy trying to get into my head.  Old words be spoken, “See?  No Christian guy would ever want you.  Just settle for this guy.” NO!  I have no desire to settle.  No desire to patronize anyone.  No desire to waste anyone’s time.  I am really enjoying being single right now—which is a good thing, because I may be single forever—but I’m definitely not going backwards here.  Holding out and holding up against the mind-attacks.

·         Donalded  On the way home from dinner tonight, I thought I saw him moving along the sidewalk on Highland with his motorized wheel chair.  I’ve been praying to God about volunteering somewhere with the homeless, and seeing who I thought was Donald, set a deeper ache in my heart.  I wanted to pull over, to see if it was him, and talk to him, but I didn’t.  And I watched him fade away in my review and remembered how desperate the longing was then to help others after meeting him.  Let that flood into my “now” and be a motivator to find a place to help, God.

·         Anger Management  Initial reaction?  Slam on my brakes.  He was tailgating so close I couldn’t see the hood of his car.  Fury.  Wrath.  I wanted to hurt him.  But instead, as we drove off Appling I slowed and veered to the right to let him pass, and to my surprise, he slowed down, too.  Head to head, he started yelling at me.  And for the first time in my life, I yelled back.  You aren’t going to endanger my life and then yell at me like I did something wrong.  I make note of this because this is unlike me, the girl who shrinks in fear at attention—especially angry attention—from strangers.  For the first time, I felt no fear, I didn’t dodge eye contact, and I yelled back.  I know, not very smart, but definitely different from the insecure, fearful Jamie that I’m used to, and so that’s the only reason I’m noting it now.  People talk about LA traffic—shoo, I didn’t have road rage until I moved here.  Memphis can’t drive for anything.

·         Seventeen Days  July 1st I’ll turn 27.  I’ve been saying I’m 27 since January now, so I don’t think it’ll really be a big deal.  Months ago I knew my birthday wasn’t going to be spent in a special way.  When the new work schedule came out months ago, I was given every first Saturday of the month.  So I work the Saturday of my birthday weekend.  I also volunteer in the children’s ministry at church.  When I was given my schedule there, I was given the first Sunday of the month.  So I knew months ago I wouldn’t be doing anything the weekend of my birthday.  I think 27 will pass by quietly, and I’m okay with that.  I’m okay with the focus not being on me.  Happy early birthday, Liv Tyler, Pamela Anderson, Princess Di, and Missy Elliott!

·         Friendships  Being single has definitely given me the opportunity to be friends with more people, both guys and girls.  I have more time, more energy, more freedom to be friends with whoever God chooses to put in my life. And I can’t emphasize enough how much I’m enjoying this part of my life.  I get to spend time with so many people, getting to know them for who they are.  And this is just something for which I am thankful.  I look forward to being married one day, sure—I spent time with a married friend couple tonight and experienced the joy firsthand, er, secondhand or whatever—and I’m excited that I may have a husband one day.  But for right now, I’m single, not ready to mingle, and just enjoying the company that surrounds me.

Day 220

I could have stayed in my bubble.  And I would have had God not taken it away.

It’s no secret I’ve been embittered by the loss of what I thought was going to be life-sustaining friendships.

Maybe that’s what I’m realizing God saw I saw.  Life-sustaining.  Dependent.  Impenetrable.

Sitting down with friends, old and new, over the last few weeks has done wonders on my heart.  I look at all the wonderful people that I’ve met, the memories that were made, the laughs that were had—moments that were shared that would’ve otherwise never existed—and I think, man, God knew what He was doing.

If He hadn’t pulled us apart I wouldn’t have felt a need to pursue other friendships.  And now here I am growing and learning about other people and myself in the process.

When friendships end I always think the age-old “reason, season, lifetime” bit.  All things come to an end in due time.  But the neat thing I’m learning from God is that sometimes He brings seasons back.  Maybe not to stay, but to remind and encourage.

With time apart, talking with friends I made a year ago, two years ago, three years, and even months ago, I can see how much they’ve grown and changed and they can reflect and tell me how much I’ve grown and changed.  And we can celebrate.  We live in the new moment, remembering the old, and praising the Lord Who brought us from that point in our lives.

And suddenly the dull days in which I so sullenly thought I was stuck aren’t so dull.  I’m encouraged by new relationships, new faces, new people, new hearts, new personalities, just as I am with the old.  And so it is said:

For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function (Romans 12:4).

And I’m enjoying appreciating all that each person offers my life as a brother or sister in Christ.

I understand that not every relationship can be a deep one, but there are some new friendships I hope do deepen.  I pray their hearts are really open to me.  I pray for reconciliation with the few friendships that have fallen away and that those bonds may deepen as well.  I pray for the friendships that already contain depth and consistency to continue to do so, but for my hands to be loose so that if and when the time comes, I can let go.  I just pray over all my friendships right now, God, that they be of healthy boundaries, loving in spirit, open with honesty, and ready for laughter.  There’s a whole lot of life to live, and I can’t and won’t do it with a frown anymore. 

Day 219

I don’t know when it happened.

Maybe it was when Ava started crying…
And I realized that I could be a part of a child’s life without having to be a mom.  Holding her and loving on her gave me so much joy.  And if I never have kids, I can still love the children of those around me like I have the heart of a mom.  I can still experience smiles, laughs, heartbreaks, and love.

Maybe it was when we went shopping…
And I realized that even though I don’t have a large group of friends, God gave me a friend who can make me laugh, cares about me, and we can just chill and shop at Target and grab dinner and relate to one another in a very chill, laid back way.  That’s all I ever wanted—a friend who can encourage me and listen, but also shoot the breeze.  We don’t always have to have deep conversation, sometimes we can just enjoy the little things in life.  If I never have a big group—the “family” I imagined, that’s okay.

Maybe it was when I realized time changes everything and nothing…

Sitting across from her on the sofa, I came face to face with all the struggles we had gone through separately, and realized that being apart didn’t matter.  I can still be so close to someone even if it’s been years since I’ve seen them.  Maybe I realize some friendships don’t really dissolve even if it seems like time has taken us away from each other.  That friendship is still there, waiting to shine light and love in future situations in amazing ways.

Maybe it was when she walked into a room of family and friends…

And I realized I was a part of it.  I was loved enough to share in a special moment.  I felt special.  And I felt blessed to stand by as she and her new fiancé told their engagement story.  Again, I realized, quality over quantity.  And if one person loves me right now, then the gape in my heart should be a little less.

Maybe it was when he smiled at me…

And I realized I felt safe.  I felt safe with him, plus all my other guy friends.  I realized I am happy.  I’m happy being single.  I’m happy to have such great men in my life who devote their hearts to Christ.  I’m blessed to watch as these friends begin to date—to watch them pursue women and honor them.  It gives me hope one day that I should find a man who treats me likewise.  And I like having my guy friends—no pressure to be something I’m not, because there are no expectations.  I can appreciate them as a sister does a brother, no threat from either side of unwanted feelings.

And as I watch the world around me, I realize there's some happiness in me.  Though there are everyday annoyances and a heart that one day longs to be loved by one man, I am happy.  I’m happy not dating, I’m happy as a single girl, I’m happy as a friend, I’m happy as an employee.  I don’t have everything I want, but I have everything I need right now.

And now’s the time to soak it up.  Every.  Single.  Moment.  Enjoy the friendships.  Enjoy the rain.  Enjoy the small trips.  Enjoy the time alone.  Enjoy the cup of coffee.  Enjoy being goofy.

And that is exactly what I’m going to do.

Who’s with me?

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice (Philippians 4:4).

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure (Psalm 16:9).

Day 218

I’ve been angry at God for a long time now.

For a few months He gave me the desire of my heart.  A community.  A straight loving and honest community.

And then it vanished.  And I’ve been angry at Him ever since, not understanding why He chose to take away the one thing I wanted more than anything.

It’s been about five months since this happened, and I’ve been struggling to reclaim it ever since.  And it hasn’t been working.  In big groups, I still feel lonely.  Just not at home.  And it seems no matter how much I try being in a big group just isn’t what God wants for me right now.

And so within the last two weeks, He’s given me more opportunities for one-on-one friendships, rekindling some from a past that I long since believed were over.  The reignition of older, singular friendships just brought to mind one thing: God gives, and He takes away.  Sometimes to give better.

So I spent time with these individual friendships and trust God in His will that a community will come along for me when it’s meant to—not on my time, but on His.  Which is frustrating, but reassuring as well.

I have to remember that God knows everything because He can see everything—He made everything.  I can’t see why I don’t have community, or a husband, or a close circle of friends, but I do know it’s for me.  Whatever He’s doing, He’s doing it for my good.

Some thoughts of mine:

·         When you’re with a big group of familiar people, you tend to fall into a familiar dynamic.  But when you’re pushed outside your limits, you have more room to grow, more freedom, because there’s been no standard set for your behavior yet.  So maybe that’s why, in this OYC, God hasn’t given me a set group of friends, because then I’d fall into one character.  Being a social butterfly means branching out and experiencing new things with new people, and maybe finding a new you that ties into the you, you are at heart.

·         When you’re reunited with people you haven’t seen in a while, you get to see how much you have changed.  You remember where you were in life when you saw them last.  Sometimes it’s not a great reminder, but reflecting on the bigger picture, when you’ve challenged yourself to change and can measure that change with time as the scale, it’s pretty cool.

·         I’m still learning who I am and I have to understand that maybe I haven’t met my community yet.  (I’m not saying I haven’t met great people.  I’ve met amazing people whose hearts are completely for Christ.  It just feels like I don’t really have a place.)  Maybe I’m going through some growing stage in preparation of being with a different community.  Maybe this is the stage designated for preparation.

·         After listening to Bryan preach today, I really have a better understanding of why I’m not married yet.  I truly do want a husband whose heart is for the hurting.  I want someone passionate about “reaching the least of these,” and, “evangelizing,” and, “discipling.”  That’s how I plan to spend my life, and what sense would it make if my husband didn’t share in that same passion?  Hopefully, if I will be married, it’s to a man who’s working on those aspects of his life so that when we meet, we can share our lives like that.   I don’t want just a “good man,” but a man who will bless me enough I can say, “I am a better person in Christ for marrying that man.”

I want God to do things on my time.  I want Him to deliver a community, a roommate, a career, a life passion, a best friend, a husband, a calling—but my watch is broken.  If I could, for a second I would think, God, even rewind time for me!  I’m about to be 27.  Go back ten years, give me a childhood sweetheart, a wedding band, a college degree, a house, a souped-up Camaro, and a bouncing baby boy.

Well, that’s not going to happen.

But, for all it’s worth, because of His time, His choices for my life, I am not indebted to school loans, I don’t have a mortgage I can’t pay, I don’t have a husband I would’ve divorced, I haven’t been tempted to street race, and I don’t have a son for whom I can’t provide.

There’s a lot of things I don’t have, but God’s working it out all in His time.  And all I have to do—all I want to do—is trust Him and live in the moment He has given me.  Because what I do have now is, admittedly, pretty on point.