Yesterday I was on
my way home, Carrie Underwood in the background. I heard Just a Dream in a very different way.
I really thought I
was on the path toward marriage. We had
been together almost two years, and his mom even mentioned passing on to me her
mother’s wedding band. It was a rude
awakening when he left me a month later.
The pain was so
excruciating I could barely breathe. I
couldn’t function. My days immediately
following the end left me catatonic and submerged in dark waters of confusion
and betrayal.
I couldn’t find
peace, and every moment of my life was a catalyst for tears. I never wanted church to end because it meant
coming home to an apartment that had been fully furnished by him. He was everywhere. It was a delicious pain—a pain that kept me
close to him, which I wanted, because it felt like it he was always with
me. Except, then, he was always with
me. Memories of him were all I had left, and they fed me.
And one day, it
would be the last time I would see him.
The last time we spoke. And
within those two hours, I came to hate him.
Explain that to me. How can a
heart love so deeply, but simultaneously seethe with a hatred that burns like
fire? The mention of his name sent my
blood into a thick boil.
I hated that he
dragged out the relationship for that long if he knew. I hated that he kept our church for
himself. I hated him for believing
rumors. I hated him for spreading
rumors. I hated him for ruining my
reputation. For valuing himself above
me. For believing he was right. For hurting my feelings and not caring. For everything he was and couldn’t be and
refused to be, I hated him.
For a long time I
felt that way. I prayed and prayed, and
repented to God for those feelings. I
wanted to be free from the hurt, the anger.
And at some point, He answered those prayers. The anger subsided, but something
remained. Terror. Fear.
It’s almost the same feeling when I was bullied in school.
…oh.
I wrote this earlier
today. And when I wrote that last line,
I felt God revealing something important to me.
The last few days I’ve been
wrestling with why I feel the way I feel toward my ex. I couldn’t pinpoint the reasons behind the
feelings or why it was now that a resurgence of emotion would occur.
The earlier days of the OYC
were spent, one, forgiving my ex-boyfriends, and, two, forgiving my
parents. When I seemingly relapsed into Stage
One of this challenge, I was disappointed.
And then today I realized I hadn’t relapsed. The last part of this challenge I said was
going to be devoted to forgiving myself,
to really looking into my heart and figuring out my life and why I feel
what I feel and do what I do.
Always meek and quiet, I’ve
spent the majority of my life being bullied.
Bullying is an act of repeated aggressive behavior in order to
intentionally hurt another person, physically or mentally. Bullying is
characterized by an individual behaving in a certain way to gain power over
another person…According to psychologist Pauline Rennie-Peyton, we each face
the possibility of being bullied in any phase of our lives.
In any phase,
she says. Not just as children on the
playground, but even as adults. Looking
at it in a new light, I understand why I stayed in that relationship and one of
the reasons I was broken when it ended:
1.)
I wanted to stay because, having been bullied
throughout my life, I already knew what to expect, and a comfortable mess always
feels safer than the unknown.
2.)
Knowing subconsciously what kind of situation I was in, I
thought I could change the outcome. I
thought I could become stronger and more authoritative and fight back to prove
myself. This, I thought, would have
developed my self-worth and self-esteem.
3.)
When it ended, unfixed and disheveled, I felt
defeated—beyond defeated. Every self-condemning thought was reinforced. I hadn’t
changed anything and had actually succumbed to being bullied in a way reminiscent
of my very first boyfriend who had also been manipulative and self-serving.
I don’t know if we as a whole understand what happens to
people when we’re bullied. Our minds
change, our perceptions change. Anxiety
disorders develop. It affects
personalities entirely:
Being bullied teaches you that you are undesirable, that you are not
safe in the world, and…are relatively powerless to defend yourself. When you
are forced, again and again, to contemplate your relative lack of control over
the bullying process, you are being set up for Learned Helplessness, which in
turn sets you up for hopelessness and depression…you are also learning that you
are seen by others as weak, pathetic, and a loser. And, by virtue of the way
that identity tends to work, you are being set up to believe that these things
the bullies are saying about you are true.
And this is exactly what occurred during our
relationship. It’s clearer now than it’s
ever been to me. I left my childhood and
young adulthood behind just to move into the same situation as an adult. And I wanted it, because this is the only way
I ever knew. And deep down inside I felt
if he could love me, if I could change his perception about me, that I was
redeemed from all those years as a child, tormented by my peers. And that responsibility should have never been placed upon his shoulders.
 |
| This is how I felt on the inside. |
At the core, I suffer from being bullied. That’s what this feeling is inside of me. God was at my side today as I uncovered this,
and He said, “Do you understand? Do you
see the purpose? I brought you through
one thing for many reasons, and one of these reasons is so that I could bring
you through something much deeper than a relationship. At the core of your heart lies this pain
interwoven with lies given to you as a child. No,” He says.
“Never again. Never again will
you experience a plague like this. We
are working through this now, to redeem your past, to put it to bed. A new you begins with a reconciled heart and
now that you see a little clearer, you can be open to change. Take a good look at yourself, because you will never see this person again.”
I can’t date a bully to redeem my bullied past. That’s like dating someone who hits women,
and me saying, “Go ahead, hit me so I can prove I’m strong enough to withstand
it.” No, Jamie! You don’t have to be strong enough…but you
can be wise enough.
Individuals or groups who most readily react to stressful situations by perceiving themselves as 'victims' tend to make the most suitable candidates for becoming the 'targets' of chronic bullying.
No more victim. Whatever intentions I have in dating someone, they change
now. They change now and forever.
*Note: Relationships take two people and I take
responsibility for my failures as well. This
writing is solely intended for purposes of growth. This is a reflection of who we were while we were together, and I cannot speak and am not speaking for who he is now, present day.
