Day 177

At about 7:11 pm Friday evening, I had hit my breaking point.

All day had been bad—all week had been bad.  On the verge of an emotional breakdown, I wanted to crumble.  I wanted to throw in my heels and get back into my car and drive home.

But I didn’t.

Instead I walked through the door of a house on Rozelle Street, and instantly melted.

A rainbow of rose petals layered the floor, dim lighting from floating candles shadowed the room, and faces of beautiful young women surrounded me.  I recognized many of the women from church, and scattered in between them were men—not just men, but men who had dressed themselves in the robes of servants for the night in honor of Valentine's Day.  Brothers serving their sisters.

Dinner was the first part of the evening.  The men brought our meals to us as we talked, and then cleared our plates as we finished.  After a dessert of cheesecake squares, we were escorted outside.  Limos awaited.  We were taken for a short cruise around town while the men set up for what was to come next.

The limos headed downtown.  It was as the Memphis bridge came into focus that I sat quietly, drinking in the earlier moments and savoring the lights before me.  I had never seen the bridge like this, and I knew I would never again see it in this way.  This night was one never to be recreated.

On our arrival back, I still felt dazed, overwhelmed, by the complete surrender of the men.  Quiet, chivalrous, attentive, it was a world I had never seen and never thought I would experience while here on earth.

The men took our coats as we filed back into the house.  When we walked in, we were met with a dance floor, which is where we spent the rest of night.

Each act so deeply appreciated and treasured, I think all the women were grateful.  And as we danced the last dance, my heart overflowing with joy and wonder, I could not escape the deep feeling of gratitude.  For the men, for God who had created them, and for the women whose hearts were as light as mine.

It was an amazing evening, and a moment in time I will treasure always.

I wrote this two months ago after an unforgettable night.  Words scribbled on the back of a church bulletin, I wanted to remember every moment.

Rereading this, it feels as if it was just yesterday.  It is so vivid in my mind how the evening unwound.  I felt so blessed and so thankful.  I have some amazing brothers in Christ, and I am so grateful to God for sharing them with me—for letting me experience love in such a pure way.

It took a long time to get here, to a point where I stopped objectifying men and started trusting them—trusting in their love for God—where six months ago, I didn’t.  I didn’t want to and I didn’t think any man was worth trusting.  I didn’t expect to ever be able to trust them.  And here I am now, being loved and loving them as my brothers.

Each day I spend with a guy friend, I am encouraged.  I am encouraged by him, and by how God is opening my heart.  I get to see God working in their lives, in their hearts.  I get to see how they treat other women, other men.  I get to be loved with no ulterior motives, and I get to love without ulterior motives.

I think that’s why I was so scared to be single.  I used to equate special moments as only being possible being in love, and I thought being single meant that special couldn’t exist—that I’d be missing out.

But every day He’s reminding that “special” exists anywhere.  In small moments just as in big moments.  In any friendship.  In any place.  At any time.

There’s a possibility to love in every moment, thanks to Christ.  All I have to do is seize the opportunity, and know that the only way I will miss out is if I surrender to missing out.  It has nothing to do with being single or not.

And because of that, "single" isn’t so scary anymore.  Every day is a new adventure.  And, actually, I have more love today than I've had in all my years to dating.  Thanks be to God for His hand in my life, opening my heart, creating friendships, and creating within His children hearts for Him. 

Though, let me not deceive you, these 177 days have been trying and difficult.  But also, more importantly, oh so blessed.  The rewards far outweigh the trials, and continue to do so.

And something tells me the best is still yet to come.

Let brotherly love continue (Hebrews 13:1).

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

Day 176

Went for an impromptu drive this afternoon.

No maps.  No intentions.  Just driving with the windows down and music loud.  Thank you, KDrew.

It's funny how quickly life can change.

How different life was a few months ago from today.  And how very different it will be, still, months from now.

Down the road, who knows what will come?

Noooooooooooot me, but Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee.  Thank You, God.

Day 175

Moments.

• Random dog standing outside my apartment when I left for work this morning.
• He stopped in the middle of a sentence to tell me my eyes are beautiful.  Just a friend, but it was unexpected and genuine.  It made me smile.
• Came home to find a squirrel smack dab in front of my door.  So cute!  Had one of those funny moments where we both stood still, wondering what the other was going to do, and then he ran away.
• Plants are still growing.  Watered them.  Hoping I didn't drown them.
• On my way to Jackson for a paaaaaaaaaarty tonight.  So excited to celebrate.  And just downloaded a bunch of music for an hour and a half long commute.
• Heavy heart for my family and California.  Thinking about them a lot lately.

Day 174

Toast.

Slightly burnt.  Fixed with cold grape jelly.

This mix reminds me of a very different time.  Over miles and decades, I find memories of who I was then.

Living at home in California.  Mom and Dad waking up early and sharing breakfast with us.  Eggs, bacon, sausage, and singed toast.  My favorite.

And tonight, I sat and nibbled on the crisp crusts I had accidentally created, and reflected over a jar of grape goodness.

Life has changed so much from then to now, and especially since November.  My life, my heart continues to change, continues to grow.

 

In nine days I'll be celebrating my half-way point—six months of singleness.

With how much has changed in six months, I am excited to continue the journey, anticipating the end.  Not to date—because, ironically, if this challenge has taught me anything, dating becomes a mere afterthought—but because of the development that has happened in a time dedicated to a relationship with God.

So much more to come!  Every day feels like a new beginning.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17).

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away (Revelation 21:4).

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much (Luke 7:47).

Day 173

When I traded in Twitter, I didn’t know what I’d be receiving in return.

It’s the social norm these days to post every thought, both meaningful and meaningless.  Without even realizing it, I had become dependent on this social media to express myself, to connect with others, and to feel a part of something, when really, I just couldn’t see how much damage it was doing, how much it was skewing my vision.

And so when I woke up last Wednesday, app-less, I felt lost.

Oh no!  I can’t post about this amazing thing!

Oh no!  I can’t post about this annoying thing!

Oh no!  I can’t post about this funny thing!

Oh no!  I can’t post anything!

Withdrawals.  I was going through them. 

What ended up happening?

Not sharing my thoughts with others, I wound up bringing every thought to God.  Imagine that.  Instead of Twitter, I was sharing my thoughts with God.

A few weeks ago, Bryan said, “You don’t need to tell everyone everything.”

And though he meant it for the deeper heart issues and experiences, I felt God nudging me to recognize it means the small things, too.  With every thought I’ve brought to Him over the week, what I’ve wanted to share on Twitter, He asked, “Why?  Why is this important?”

Honestly, for 90% of those thoughts, I couldn’t find any reason to share them.

And while I was realizing this about my own thoughts, I realized how much I had depended on Twitter to catch up with the lives of my friends.

I don’t know when it happened, but Twitter became my middle man.  Conversations that should have been held one on one were relayed through Twitter.  Compliments, concerns, funny anecdotes—sharing these things online removed the urgency to meet face-to-face.  Meaningful moments shared between friends were cut down into 140 characters.

I didn’t realize what a handicap it had become.  I hadn’t seen or met up with friends in weeks.  Twitter had somehow become sufficient.

Yeah, well, Jamie, LOL isn’t the same thing as laughing together.  A “<hug>” can’t give you warmth.  Seeing someone’s profile picture isn’t the same as looking into someone’s eyes.

It’s amazing the fulfillment I felt when I uninstalled the app and set out to see faces instead of tweets.

Not living through Twitter let me live.

This last week I ate authentic Memphis barbecue and delicious banana pudding.  I sat and talked with a friend for hours in my living room.  I learned a dozen line-dances and listened to the stories of lives that began in South Africa.  I joined a church.  I walked through Shelby Farms.  I tasted my favorite Muddy’s cupcake.  I went to a Grizzlies game…

…and I’ve felt more loved (and more in tune with God) within the last week than I have in a long time.

Day 164

You don’t get burned ’cause nothing gets through

It makes it easier, easier on you

But that much more difficult for me

To make you see

Heart’s a Mess, Gotye

What is this blog?

This blog is where I write, process, and share whatever God has me to share.  It's not always eloquent, but whatever I post is prayerfully posted.  Not meaning that what I write is always pretty, but meant to read by someone else.

This is very different from Twitter.

Twitter is a journaling of unedited, on-the-spot thoughts.  Negative, positive, unnecessary, but there.  Sometimes frivolous, sometimes recording joy, and at times recording moments that need some type of processing.

It's lately that I wonder if my writing is becoming a hindrance to me.  To friendships.  To growth.  To living life outside of my computer screen.

What would I do if I just shut down?  Shut this down?  Shut Twitter down?  Then what?  How would I process?  Who would I go to, to talk through life?  Is this a handicap or is it healing?

There's a lot of unexplained sadness in my heart now.  I'm wrestling with pieces of myself, struggling to be healed and to overcome learned behaviors.  But it takes time.  It takes conscious effort to change these things.

And, God, I feel so lost.  I don't even know what to pray for anymore.  Here, there, where?  Him, her, who?   This, that, what?  What do I need to be searching for, God? What do I need to be praying for, God?  How do I need to be growing? 

Listening to Priscilla Shirer Saturday night...God, every sentence hit me deeply.  What am I enslaved to?  What do I not know how to say no to?

Maybe these social networking sites need to be put to rest for a time.  Maybe what once was an aid is now a distraction and where introspection was helpful, maybe now it’s turning into self-centeredness.  It's not that they in themselves are harmful, but, maybe, maybe what I've let them become is.

And, God, as I end this tonight, I pray for friendships.  I pray for passion.  I pray for growth, grace, and love.  I pray for direction, for understanding, and revelation.  I pray for community.  I pray for experiences.  I pray for my heart.  I pray to be seeking people and things outside of myself.  I pray for my heart to be changed.  And I pray to see and experience a change in others.  Encouragement and loving kindness.  I pray for concern and I pray for connectedness.  I pray for continued strength in my OYC and for each of the girls I started this journey with…  I pray that I’ll continue to chase after You.

I’ll be back in a week.  Pray for the best!

Day 163

I want to ride a motorcycle, I thought.

I want to know what it feels like to do things I’ve never done.  I want to experience life.

I want to experience as much as I can, because life changes every day.  I don’t know where I’m going to be in a year.  I don’t know if I’ll still be in Memphis.  I don’t know if I’ll be at Fellowship.  Maybe I won’t be here at all.  There is so much that is unknown.

With how lonely I've been, I’ve thought about the unknown.  All I’ve yet to experience.  All I want to experience.  And how much I don’t want anything to hold me back from experiencing it.

A mere few months ago I wrote about having no hobbies, not knowing what I liked or what I enjoyed.  And here God is giving me the strength to go out and experience life on my own.  Here He is pushing me, and encouraging me to explore those things.  And I’m complaining.

I’ve clung to boyfriends and to friendships, trying to heal the holes in my heart.  Starting the OYC, God has helped me heart heal from one idol.  And now here He is working on yet another.

He’s been showing me my past and how I’d skip a trip to because a friend wouldn’t go, or a concert, or a festival, or any opportunity, because I wouldn’t have someone to lean on.

God’s breaking me of much and giving me much.

Sometimes people’s turn-downs are His best for us.  Now, yes, I’m frustrated, but from an eternal perspective I see why the last weeks have been spent alone.  This cycle that has been perpetuated for years is being broken.

He’s making me look to myself; He’s making me look toward Him.

There are a lot of His ways that I struggle with understanding.  There’s a lot of myself that I invest into other people, and day by day He’s turning my heart.

She’s too tired to hang out with me, I must not be important to her.

She’d rather hang out with them than me, I must not be important to her.

I didn’t get invited to that outing, they must not like me.

Me, me, me.  It’s all about me.  What I’m doing.  But really it has nothing to do with me.

And my worth doesn’t rely on whether someone chooses to hang out with me or not.

Another thing I’ve wondered is, why, in the last five months have I not been pursued by any men?  Nothing about me to the outside world has truly changed.  I look the same, I dress the same, I act the same—essentially.  So why the barren desert?  Even if I’m in this OYC a guy can still look at me, right?

Today a really attractive, dark-haired, dark-eyed single surgeon walked by.  He smiled.  I smiled.

Now, what would I have done if he had asked me out?  I would’ve said, “Ask me again in seven months,” and one of two things would’ve happened.  Either he would’ve said, “Okay,” and I would’ve spent the next seven months pining after him, or, he would’ve said, “Forget it,” and I’d be crushed, wondering if I made the right choice.  Either way, I’d be thinking more of him and less of God.  And so, this drought has really been God’s ultimate blessing upon my life, because He knows how neurotic I can be.

God has completely taken every temptation, every stumbling block out of sight. 

I can hear Him, Go!  Run!  I’ve given you all this free space to roam, to explore, why are you standing so still?  Wander!  Experience!  Don’t worry about the wolves!   Use this time to grow, to feast on the land.  No flock?  It’s okay.  There are some things you need to learn before then.

So, I hear Him saying eventually…soon…all in due time I won’t feel so alone again.

On Sunday when Bryan was talking about Ben leaving, he said, “The transitioning point will be somewhere between the end of May and beginning of June.”  And even though what he said was about Ben, I felt God making a promise to me in that moment.  I heard Him saying, Hold on.  Trust me now in the silence and wait for the fruit.

Sometimes God takes things away.  He hedges up ways.

Not to hurt.  But to heal.  To grow.

Have no expectations except for that He will see you through till the end.

Day 162

When I was younger and transitioned from not having friends to having friends, I was so happy.  I was so elated that I would go anywhere and do anything just to be with them.  Anything they wanted to do, I wanted to do, too, if it meant having them in my life.  It also meant pushing my true desires and hobbies aside to make room for theirs—but hey, I had friends.  Who cared, right?

Then somewhere along the lines I made a vow to myself and to God that, well, all that really cool stuff I wanted to do, all the stuff He blessed me with the ability of doing—I would do, friends or not.  I’ve learned to decline an invitation if saying yes means saying no to my heart.

My heart right now is follow God, but what does that mean if following God means I’m supposed to be alone?

Today Satan must’ve been standing, applauding.  My bitterness from dedication to this vow was eating away at my heart, bit by hurtful bit.  God, I thought You delivered me from this?  Why have I returned?  I thought You saved me and loved me more than this.  How long am I really meant to be alone?

You want insight to my life?  Watch Eat Pray Love.  Like Liz, I endeavor upon a journey alone, purposely, but unpurposely.  Venturing out to these places, but wishing so much that I had someone to share in these moments.

I will not downplay the loneliness.  At every turn this afternoon I watched as people—parents and children, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, friends—enjoyed the day.  Bitter thoughts and feelings twisted violently around my heart like smothering vines.  I will not downplay it, but I need to recognize how I’m growing through it and enjoying life in spite of it.

As the OYC has pulled me away from relying on men, it is starting to transform my dependency on all people.  Customers, coworkers, family, community, and especially friends—in what does my joy truly lie?

October I was delivered from a desolate place, receiving a plethora of friends from God.  November through January were sweet, sweet months of learning and growing, and feeling a part of something I’ve never before been a part of.  As February rolled in, so did my trip to California, and then I slipped into depression upon the return to Memphis, which drew me away from all those friends.  March to present day?  I’m back to square one.   And it could also be considered worse now, because in a sense I’m choosing to be alone.  The scale these days is seemingly: FRIENDS or SOMETHING I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO DO.  And while it is not easy in the least, the latter is where I've been led.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  I laughed at myself as I thought this today.  A few months ago I was laboring with how to manage a multitude of friendships, and as of today, well, that "burden" has been lifted off my shoulders.  Thanks, God, I guess?

So much can change in a few months.  And I consider this now as my Membership Ceremony with the church is next weekend.  Three months ago when I signed up, I felt sure that this is where God was calling me to be.  But as I looked out today into the crowd after service, all I saw were strangers.  I can’t feel God telling me to be here anymore.  And I can’t figure out why.  My heart has changed and I’m not so sure I’m meant to be at this church.  Where I once felt like family, now I just feel alone.

But, all things work through God and for God.

If the enemy is using this time to destruct my heart, to rip me away, to keep me alone, to hurt me, that means that God is using this time for something, too.

I asked for God to build me.  That’s what this OYC is all about, and if I forget that, I forget my purpose.  And I have to remember if this searing loneliness builds in me something happiness can not right now, so be it.  Grow me.  I have eternity for happiness, for joy.  But I can’t get there unless He gets me there.

God, whatever Your will is for my life right now, please, just help me to remember You’re in control.  Please remind me that I can trust You.  You’ve proven to me time and time again Your devout love for me and that You have my good in mind.  I pray that You keep this loneliness in my heart, because without it, I would lose the desire for community and essentially You.  And just because I don’t have community now doesn’t mean I won’t ever have it—I need to remember that.  You gave it to me once before, You can do it again.  I just have to trust Your purpose and reasoning for my life and know that whatever You have planned is far better than me bending and yielding to the will of myself.  Let me be courageous enough to follow You, to go against the grain, and to experience life—not ever really alone, but with You, always with You.  And one day You’ll provide all for which I ask.

Remember the Good:

·         Found downtown all by myself and didn’t get lost

·         Found parking all by myself

·         Walked the entire span of the festival

·         Had a crisp refreshing Bud Light

·         Ate an entire bucket of amazing crawfish

·         Laughed with the two nice families sitting around me

·         Saw the river

·         Listened to live music

·         Had the best funnel cake ever

·         Had the best lemonade ever with my favorite type of ice cubes

·         Found my way home

·         For the first time, didn’t get lost on my way home

·         Perfect weather

Day 159

The alarm clock went off, and, for a second, I fought with the reality that it was already morning.

Dead.  I felt dead.  My body felt like a rock, and I held my breath.

No, please, no, I exclaimed in my head.  But the sun was out and the maniacal beeping of my clock would not stop.

I left my apartment in a heavy state of depression.

I can’t do this, I thought as I hoisted myself into my car.  I feel dead.

My mindset clouded, I held back tears on the drive to work.

Don’t cry, because if you do, everyone at work will ask you why, and what will you tell them?  Telling them Satan has stolen your joy isn’t really the answer anyone will understand.  Don’t cry.  Hold it in.  You have three hours and then you’re home free, my mind sped.

I tried to breathe as the traffic lights shifted from red, to green, to yellow.  Traffic piling up.  This is the most miserable commute I’ve ever driven, I think.

Emotionally I should’ve been fine.  No real complaints in my life.  So why the depression?  My mind drifts to my physical state.  I have never been so physically broken.  And it would make sense if Satan has lost his grip on one platform that he would attack elsewhere.  Body weak, mind exhausted—this week has been one of the most physically draining weeks of my life.

So just end it.  Give up.

Ahh.  Old Familiar.  Hi Satan.

In my lowest moments of depression, he always seems to pop up.  Simple solution.  Just end it.  At this point, I’ve come to recognize his voice.  And as much as I know it’s him, just for split second, I contemplate it.  Crazy me, I think he’s right.

God, what am I doing?  Why do I feel this way?  Where are You?  Why do I feel so far from You?  How has this happened to me?  I’m so depressed. How has Satan stolen my joy?  He has used a million little things to tear me apart.  How am I so weak that, that's all it takes?  I can’t do this anymore…  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t do this anymore.  I give up.  Where are You?!

My eyes start watering and my grip on the steering wheel tightens.  Stuck at this red light, the song on the radio ends.  And another comes on.

Do you ever recognize the melody before you recognize the song?  I know this song, I think, and I know I love it…but what is it?

The soft strumming of the guitar continues, and a melodic voice begins to sing.

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise

There's so much they hold and just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far to be right where you are

I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'll be here patiently waiting

God I knows know we're you’re worth it

No, I won't give up

It's Jason Mraz's I Won't Give Up.  And then I really start crying, because I know it’s God, talking.  He’s right there with me, seeing me through everything.  I hear Him saying, “Okay, you can give up…fine, but I’m not going to.”

As the song comes to an end, I pull into my parking space at work, fixing my make-up.  I walk inside, bracing myself for 3 hours.  They pass.  Quickly.  And soon I’m out the door.

As soon I turned the key in the ignition, David Guetta’sWithout You came on.  I love this song, and have always thought of it as my song to God.  Every time I hear it, I think of Him.  And I just love it.  I love how He played that out for me.  On one hand I have God telling me He won’t give up on me, and then on the other, He’s reminding me of my love for Him.

I moved on in the rest of my day, meeting my old friend for Filipino food at VGM, and caught up with him.  And after lunch, I was driving home.  When that fork came between Farm Road and Shelby Farms, God told me to turn.  I parked, I walked, and I sat down in front of the lake.  By myself.  In the sunshine.  And just sat.  I watched as the water sparkled, the geese meandered over the grass, and the few people walking by.

I felt the sun warming my skin and the cool breeze playing with my hair.  And just sat in front of His creation.

I’m not going to leave you, Jamie.  While others have left you, while the body may fail, while suffering may come, I’m not going to leave you or forsake you.  At every moment in your suffering I am with you and I am for you.

When all else is gone, He’s still here.  Even when I just feel like everything else is gone, He's still there.  I have such a limited perspective of why—why I feel the way I feel, why things happen—but God has unlimited wisdom.

This last week has been so difficult, and I can’t even explain why.  I don’t even know why my heart was so sad.  But God—He has perfect knowledge and eternal perspective.  And He loves us.

“We don’t have a God who gives explanation, but Himself.”  –David Platt

Imagine if God gave explanations.  Jamie, you’re sad because…you’ve lost friendships, you’re sick, work is difficult, you never see the sun, you’re lonely—the list could go on.  How would that help me?

Instead I have a God who brings Himself to me, in His word, in music, in spirit, and in creation, and how much more precious and reassuring is that than explanation.

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience,

but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

C.S. Lewis

PS. By the grace of God I came home and took an uninterrupted five hour nap...and I feel much, much, much better.

Day 158

I’m different.

I think anyone reading this blog knows this by now.  Not different in a, “Man, she’s unique—she’s special,” kind of way.  But in a weird way.

With the image I’ve had of myself it is hard for me to believe that anyone could genuinely love me or miss me.  And in my head, when I pull away, I always think people won't notice.

The thoughts that come to mind are…

“They’re not going to care about me.  They’re too busy…I’m not that important…they have other friends…they don’t need me…they probably don’t even notice I’m gone.”

And I’m not saying this in a self-pity kind of way, but matter-of-factly.  Like it’s known by everyone that I’m just not that important.

I had these thoughts when I came back from California.  And while I was going through a rough time, I pulled away.  I never thought my actions would hurt anyone, because I’ve never mattered enough to anyone for them to miss me.

Within the last couple of weeks I’ve spent time with friends that I pulled away from.  And it’s been a hard hitting reality that I hurt them.

I hurt them?  How is that even possible?  I just disappeared.  How can you hurt someone by disappearing?

Well, Jamie, as you’re finding out, these people love you, you, idiot.

I don’t think it’s anything that anyone could’ve said…I think it’s all in their faces and expressions.  Because every time I've met up with someone in the last few weeks, it’s the same emotion.  “You bailed on me.”  “You cut out.”  “You threw the deuces.”  “You left me hanging.”

And to sit there and see them hurting because of something I did—or didn’t—do, hurts my heart.  How could I hurt people?  I didn’t think I could, because that means that people would have actually have had to care.  And when has anyone ever cared enough about me to miss me?

I just want to reach out and apologize and say I’m sorry to them…I didn’t know it would hurt for me to pull away.  But I realize I’m sorry’s don’t mean much if the actions don’t change.  And after tonight I really just want to do better, be better, and be more and love more and show them that I do love them.

I’m so broken when it comes to friendships, and, God, I just pray for patience and grace and love and understanding.  Because, let’s face it, I have no idea what I’m doing.

Day 157

I've been thinking about the ocean a lot lately.

I've always loved being in the water or around water.  Ponds, lakes, streams, and the ocean.  They've always been very special to me.  When I was younger, I just saw beauty.  Now, I see so much of God in these things.  

Last September, I definitely shared an intimate moment with God—probably the most intimate I had, had at that point of my life.

My feet met the tendrils of the warm waters of the gulf and I sucked in the salty air.  I stood, in front of everything God created, and felt Him all around me.

To this day, I count it as one of the most special nights of my life.

I remember being so shocked at the softness of the sand, the soothing temperature of the water, and sky—the vastness of the night sky, the vastness of the dark waters.  God's creation just took my very breath away.

It was overwhelming.

Today I found out that, if all goes according to plan, I’ll be headed back to Gulf Shores at the end of May.

I can’t even explain all the emotions that go along with this.  Happiness, joy, a little bit of fear.  Maybe more fear than I’d like to admit.

Getting ready for bed tonight, I cleared my dinner dishes from the table, cleaned up the dog toys, and turned off the lights.  Passing through the kitchen to my room, I saw the corner of a package sticking out from my mailbag.  It was something sent to me by my aunt that I hadn't opened yet.

So tonight, I did.  And this is what was given to me:

My love for you extends farther than the stars in the sky and deeper than any ocean.

And I heard exactly what I need to hear tonight.

Day 156

“Hey kiddo, can you take care of this for me?”

In the back of the office was a bin for files to be shredded, and it wasn’t unusual for Mr. Lamlich to make his rounds once a month.

“Sure thing.”

She smiled and reached over to receive a large plastic bag, filled to the brim with wrinkled papers.

“This sure is heavy,” she said, and peered through the plastic.

“Yeah,” he murmured.  “If you see anything in there you like, it’s yours.”

Confused, she tilted her head and ran her fingers over the thin plastic.

“There’s a Bible in here, Mr. Lamlich,” she said, puzzled, “that’s a pretty heavy thing to get rid of…”

Without pause, he said, “Well, it was my son’s, and he died about a year ago, and it just makes me and the Mrs. sad, lookin’ at it, you know.  His name is in gold on the front, can’t really give it away.  Bad memories, you know.  He never read it much anyway.”

His eyes were wet, and they talked a moment about his late son.  He had worked in construction, and didn’t lead a very healthy lifestyle.  Blood pressure was high.  Just not a good life.

When they said their goodbyes, she walked back to the shredder, and peeled open the bag.  She held the Bible in her hands and wondered if it was right to shred God’s Word.  Mulling it over, she decided to hang onto it for a time—you never know when you could use an extra Bible.  The rest of the papers toppled out and into the canister, but something caught her eye.

Now, if Julie was not known for anything else, she was known for her planner.  Everything in her life was packed away into pages recording her trials, accomplishments, and even ordinary day-to-day tasks.  So when her eyes came upon the words Daily Journal, she stopped, delicately picking up the weathered book.

He said anything, right?  She thought to herself.

On her way home from work, the two items sat in her passenger seat, and she wondered at the pain of a father who had lost his only son.  At home, she made herself some tea and cozied up on the couch.  She read through some other books, but, distracted, her mind flashed back to the muddied pages.

Picking up the journal, she prayed that God would lead her thoughts.

Neat handwriting lined its pages.  Shifting from blue ink to red ink to green.  He never wrote in black.  Hospital visits, time in jail, a DUI, job interviews, heart surgery, medication, not being able to afford medication, his parents—he spoke of it all.  But mostly his thoughts revolved around his troubled marriage.  His wife, Sara.

He wrote about the times they fought, the nights she would leave him, and spoke of the few times where it seemed their marriage was healing.

Sometimes he skipped writing for months.

And as the months passed, his handwriting grew wilder and wilder.

March 17 – Pled guilty to DUI.

April 3 – Had a heart attack in jail, taken to the med, surgery.

April 6 – Discharged from the med.

May 7 – Took the states offer…Got out of jail at 8:45 PM.

May 8 – Sara and I spent a wonderful day together laying around and relaxing. We had several conversations concerning our past future.  There is a lot of love between us.

May  14 – My insurance officially did not work. I cannot fill my blood pressure medicines.

June 18 – My blood pressure is still high, but he let me go home.  Lost my job due to visa card purchases.

June 21 – Sara officially ended our marriage.

July 28 – I need to move somewhere where someone would pay me a little attention and show some concern for me.

July 29 – Spent the whole day in the room doing nothing as I am once again scared sh_tless and have become a recluse.  Was not able to eat anything as I did not have any money.

August 8 – Wish I would die.  I am very depressed and really have no desire to go on with life. If it wasn’t for my best friend Buckwheat I would not want to live. I am so lonely I can’t stand it.

His last entry would be in August, his print completely disfigured.  She could sense his pain as he wrote the entry.

August 11 – Found out where Sara really was this past weekend..with her boyfriend.

Julie scanned the rest of the journal for anything, but found nothing.  August 11th would be the last time he would write.  At the proverbial close of his life, she began to cry.  Someone’s words, someone’s feelings, someone's life was written in these pages.  She ached for this man.

Like a work of fiction, there were highs and lows, and each gave way to hope that he would rebound—come back and that things would start looking up.  But they never did.

Mr. Lamlich’s words came back to her.

He never read it much anyway.

Her fingers etched over the gold print on unused Bible.  If only he had known love, she thought.  True love.

She remembered when the pages of her own journals were filled with unpredictable hurt.  She remembered what it was like to be in a dark place, to have lost love.  To not want to go on.  She remembered the vivid ache, and her heart stung.

God had been speaking to her lately, almost calling her, preparing her for a life dedicated to this very purpose.  She felt passion rise in her for the homeless, the forgotten—the lost.  She wanted to save people—and, well, here was a glimpse at the true heart of man who had not known Him and died not knowing Him.

Save them, He said.  These are My children—the broken, the starved, the forgotten.

She closed the memoir on her lap, and prayed.

God, bring me someone in pain, someone hurting.  Bring me someone I can help.

Little did she know just how quickly God would answer her.

Retiring for the night, she opened her laptop to check her e-mail one last time.

Spam, spam, spam, crap, crap, crap, she thought.

She was moving so quickly down the screen, she almost missed his name.

“Hey!” greeted her in the subject line.

And as she stared in disbelief at the screen, it left her wondering how little of this message was by chance, and how much of it was God’s hand, her Father Above waiting to see his daughter’s response.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God (Ephesians 2:8).

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Galatians 5:14).

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him (1 John 3:17)?

Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you (Matthew 5:42).

Day 155

There is so much on my mind tonight, it’s a night for bullets.

·         Any time I go down town I know I have to leave an extra twenty minutes ahead of time, because I am both directionally challenged and common sense challenged.  So why I didn’t listen to myself today, I don’t know.  I left late and as a result sped down the highway at 70-90 miles per hour, which is unlike me.  The only cool thing about this was some other poor soul was late, and he was bobbing and weaving just like me through traffic.  Like comrades in a war, we sped together, blocking and passing other cars.

·         When I finally made it downtown, it took forever for me to find the parking garage.  I circled the building for 10 minutes, utterly confused.  When I finally followed a van (because a van insinuates family, and family insinuates church in the south), and made it inside the garage safe and sound.

·         My mind hadn’t cooled down from the trip, and it felt like service went by too quickly.  I saw faces of people I hadn’t seen in a while, and I realized how terribly I miss them.  But with an all-too-quick hug I went upstairs to fulfill my duties as a volunteer.

·         Infants.  Infants?!  Oh, those poor babies.  Don’t these people realize I’m single, have never babysat, and have no idea what I’m doing!?  But I did tell them I’d help anywhere, and quickly prayed that no babies would be dropped at my hands.  Surrounded by babies, my heart melted as each of them smiled and laughed and sputtered odd noises.  They reached their baby hands out to me, and I was smitten.  I even nibbled at their baby feet.  I couldn’t resist the smiles that came from toe kisses!  One little one reached out to me.  When I came close, he held my face in his hands, looking intently at me.  I fell in love with their tenderness and enjoyed the morning.  Our section overlooked the Memphis bridge—the scene just took my breath away.  And for a moment, I felt firmly that I was exactly where God wanted me to be in every sense.

·         As parents came to pick up their children, I watched the masses of people.  So many people!  I felt so small against the backdrop of such a multitude.  Everyone was dressed up so beautifully.  And all I could think was about how I was in my kid-safe wardrobe.  I was a little sad, but knew there would be other opportunities.  I saw very few people I recognized actually, and had some invitations to go out.  And really I was thinking, I just want to go home, but as I got into my car, I realized that was the exact opposite of what I truly wanted, and instead met Tracy and Lindsay at Molly’s.

·         I’m glad I went.  Not only was the food delicious, but it made me realize how much I miss them.  It feels like it’s been ages since I’ve sat down with either of them—since the girls group even, and I really, really miss their friendships.  We caught up on life, but two things stuck out to me.  Kisses from Katie and opposite sex friendships.  I felt like those were two things God wanted me to hear.  Be prepared for great things was one whisper, and Guard your heart followed.

  

·         David Platt flipped my world upside down last Friday.  There is this passion in me that I’ve only experienced in snippets before.  Hearing Mario talk a couple years ago and leading us through Secret Church, and then subscribing to Voice of Martyrs have offered pieces of the world that remain unreached.  I don’t know for what God is preparing me, but I know it’s going to be big.   Kisses from Katie left me to wonder of what God is going to make me capable.  I think it’s important Lindsay told me that Katie sacrificed college to do God’s work, because I feel like that’s one thing that could eventually prevent me from fulfilling God’s calling.  When the other topic arose, it made me realize just how much we have to protect brothers, honoring their future wives.  We also have to protect our hearts, to save them for our husbands.  We have to remain focused on God, and find a balance between having healthy opposite sex friendships and boundaries.

·         As I drove home from Molly’s, I recognized where I was.  I was driving home on Madison.  Madison was always the way I drove to Minglewood Hall, where Christ City meets on Sundays.  And there was a slight ache in my heart.  Last Easter, I was at Christ City, and before Fellowship, this is where I was fed.  I thought to myself, Man, I miss Christ City, which made me realize how often within the last few weeks I have heard the names of all the other churches where I spent time.  And now, in a couple weeks, I’ll become a member of Fellowship.  And I have cold feet.  With the utterance of the names of other churches from my past, I’m wondering if I’m making a mistake.  Am I meant to serve within and from Fellowship?  Am I making the right choice?  Two months ago I would have said yes.  And now I feel as if I’m not sure.

·         This hurts, because I want to be sure.  And I don’t know if this is Satan planting the seed of distrust or if this is God pushing me elsewhere.  When I sat in Highland Church, I looked around, and imagined myself happy there.  Second Pres, Independent Pres, Highpoint, Christ United Methodist…I love Fellowship for its desire to disciple.  But either I don’t know the right people or there’s a lack of discipling going on, because I’ve heard more people say their community groups are falling apart and that they’re not learning or growing.  And I think of other churches that have a set building, and have Wednesday night services, community groups, women studies, intentional connectedness to the body as a whole, and I just wonder, if I want to grow, will I be able to grow here?

·         The end of the day was fulfilling for me.  When I asked the girls if they wanted to go to Shelby Farms, I expected polite no’s.  Not because they wouldn’t want to spend time with me, but nobody ever has time or desire to come out to Shelby Farms with me.  And Shelby Farms is basically a love language of mine.  If you follow me and spend time outside with smelly, rowdy puppies romping around in mud, I know you care.  But most of the time I spend the afternoons there alone just because it’s not really anybody’s “thing.”  And it was a kind gift from God to give me Tracy and Lindsay to walk with and watch the dogs play and see exactly how and where I spend my time.  And that in itself made me miss have deep, connected friendships even more.

·         And so now I sit, relaxing on my sofa with two tired dogs.  I think back on my Easter and see how much has changed in a year, and how much further I still have to travel.  I think of how thankful I am to Jesus for all He endured.  I’m thankful for God’s sovereignty.  I’m thankful for a job, a working car, a home in which to live, unwavering friendships that continue to give me grace, and forgiveness, and love.

·         One of the songs in the service today was Tye Tribbett’s Bless the Lord (Son of Man), and I couldn’t stop listening to it.  Loving this song so much, I listened to a few others and found one that I absolutely fell in love with.  This is my wish for my life, God, and I hope when I meet Easter of next year that I can look back and know my life has continued to change as I have continued chasing after You.

Each and every day I will seek your face

My soul is crying out

For more, I want more of You

I won't be satisfied nor content with where I am

So I will apprehend till I'm captured by what I'm after

And I will go

From faith to faith

From glory to glory

And I'll forever be chasing after you

I'll be chasing after you

I will press towards the mark

For the prize, and I won't faint

There's one thing I desire and that's what I'm going for

I can't continue life, day by day, growing dry

I need to be with you, Jesus, I'll seek where you are

And I'll forever be chasing after you

I'll be chasing after you

And those are some of my thoughts.  Happy Easter.  He has risen!

Day 154

Solitary.

I’ve spent most of my life in solitude, so it is strange to me that at this stage in my life where God has blessed me with friendship, I can still feel so alone.

Over the last months of my life, God has given me wonderfully thick friendships.  And so I was confused last night initially, wondering why I would be alone at yet another event.

With seven hours spent on understanding suffering, ironically, part of that time was dedicated to the story of Job.

Last night was designed by God.  How else could I understand why I was alone?

Thinking back over my life, being alone has given me so much.  So much pain.  So much appreciation for Christ.

I wonder sometimes what people think as they read what I write on this blog.  Am I thought of as selfish, or conceited, or attention-starved, or self-centered…or lonely?

I write because I know the deep ache of being alone and the haunting hurt loneliness brings.  And because I know this pain so intimately, a vow has been made.  Because God has loved me so and has filled my life with love, I have promised Him that I will heed His call and use this pain for others—that I will do as much as I can to open my heart, to let somebody—anyone—know they’re not alone.

Because ultimately, we feel more alone than we really are.  I write not out of a desire to share my life for the mere sake of sharing, but in the instance that someone should stumble upon my words and know that pain, loneliness, guilt, and shame are not isolated emotions that separate them from others.

The more I know God, the more I understand why He has ordained my life to be as such.  Because of what He’s brought me through, I’m capable of being alone when He calls me to be, because I am beginning to understand it—suffering—serves a higher purpose.

And last night opened my heart and set if aflame for I felt knowledge wash over me like I have never experienced before.  A passion was ignited in my heart, and I realized how desperately I want to share the gospel with others.  Pain is real, suffering is real, but God is real.  And that is what most do not know.

Last night, with love deepening for Christ, He pointed me to look at my past relationships.  From the “sovereign perspective of heaven,” I watched each fall apart.  And part of me understood.  Part of me realized that God knew that those men and I were not headed in the same direction.  Not that their direction is any less than mine, but ultimately at some point our desires and purposes for Christ would diverge us. 

And I think now if any of those relationships had worked, I would not be fulfilling my life for Christ, because I would have been satisfied with settling.  And here God has orchestrated the greatest moments of my life through loneliness—that I forge ahead because of it!  I wouldn’t be learning about Him.  I wouldn’t be pushed to extend myself outside of the immediate community.  I would be satisfied with loving God a little less, because my life in the world would not call upon Him.

In my heart of hearts, I desire to be uncomfortable.  I desire to live my life in such a way that I beg for the world to despise me—for my love of Christ to be so great, that the Enemy fights to take me down.

Now, my flesh is terrified.  What does that mean?  Will I lose my car?  My job?  My friends?  My family?  But in the “sovereign perspective of heaven,” will these keep me from glorifying God?  My heart dedicated to Christ craves glorifying Him.

I pray for discomfort, because I want to be a threat to the Enemy. I don’t know what His plan holds for me, but as I edge on in this OYC, as I grow stronger in my faith, as my knowledge grows, there is a deep, unsatisfied desire to reach people. 

And I want to be unsatisfied, because our dissatisfaction keeps us close to Christ and ultimately the will of God.

Dear God, it is my deepest desire to pursue You, to love You.  And I see now why those relationships were ripped out of my life.  You knew we were different.  You knew our desires were different.  You knew our walks for You and with You would be different.  For the first time ever, I say, God, if I can’t have a husband whose purpose mirrors sanctification of Your children, then I’m okay with what that means.  Because loving You and honoring You, and serving You means so much more than a marriage that will satisfy only my flesh.  I beg that when I begin to date again, You give me eyes to see a man who ultimately wants to love You and glorify You, even in the midst of discomfort, because he will know You are our satisfying reward.

No one should be alone, Father.  No one should not know You.  And I want to live my life in such a way that I can share You even when I’m scared, even when it’s dangerous.  Your purpose is higher than my pleasure.  You know in my heart of hearts that I want to be married, but not at the cost of spiritual suffocation.

When I take my last breath, oh, Lord, I want to know I followed You and I did Your ways and I lived how You wanted me to love.  And I pray that my passion for You continues to grow and that my knowledge of You continues to deepen, so that I may move from this self-examination and healing stage into sharing You confidently with others, serving Your purpose for my life.

At the end of this, I don’t even know if tonight’s post makes any sense.  So in an attempt to summarize:
 

·         My passion for Christ has increased.

·         In doing so, I’ve realized that God is my ultimate love.

·         And I only want to be married if I have a husband who shares a passion for Christ.

·         Because my mission while on this earth is to share that passion with others.

·         So that they may not stand alone, but sit next to the throne of God, in love, in redemption.

·         Because this world is dying and we have a responsibility to love and save.