Day 177

At about 7:11 pm Friday evening, I had hit my breaking point.

All day had been bad—all week had been bad.  On the verge of an emotional breakdown, I wanted to crumble.  I wanted to throw in my heels and get back into my car and drive home.

But I didn’t.

Instead I walked through the door of a house on Rozelle Street, and instantly melted.

A rainbow of rose petals layered the floor, dim lighting from floating candles shadowed the room, and faces of beautiful young women surrounded me.  I recognized many of the women from church, and scattered in between them were men—not just men, but men who had dressed themselves in the robes of servants for the night in honor of Valentine's Day.  Brothers serving their sisters.

Dinner was the first part of the evening.  The men brought our meals to us as we talked, and then cleared our plates as we finished.  After a dessert of cheesecake squares, we were escorted outside.  Limos awaited.  We were taken for a short cruise around town while the men set up for what was to come next.

The limos headed downtown.  It was as the Memphis bridge came into focus that I sat quietly, drinking in the earlier moments and savoring the lights before me.  I had never seen the bridge like this, and I knew I would never again see it in this way.  This night was one never to be recreated.

On our arrival back, I still felt dazed, overwhelmed, by the complete surrender of the men.  Quiet, chivalrous, attentive, it was a world I had never seen and never thought I would experience while here on earth.

The men took our coats as we filed back into the house.  When we walked in, we were met with a dance floor, which is where we spent the rest of night.

Each act so deeply appreciated and treasured, I think all the women were grateful.  And as we danced the last dance, my heart overflowing with joy and wonder, I could not escape the deep feeling of gratitude.  For the men, for God who had created them, and for the women whose hearts were as light as mine.

It was an amazing evening, and a moment in time I will treasure always.

I wrote this two months ago after an unforgettable night.  Words scribbled on the back of a church bulletin, I wanted to remember every moment.

Rereading this, it feels as if it was just yesterday.  It is so vivid in my mind how the evening unwound.  I felt so blessed and so thankful.  I have some amazing brothers in Christ, and I am so grateful to God for sharing them with me—for letting me experience love in such a pure way.

It took a long time to get here, to a point where I stopped objectifying men and started trusting them—trusting in their love for God—where six months ago, I didn’t.  I didn’t want to and I didn’t think any man was worth trusting.  I didn’t expect to ever be able to trust them.  And here I am now, being loved and loving them as my brothers.

Each day I spend with a guy friend, I am encouraged.  I am encouraged by him, and by how God is opening my heart.  I get to see God working in their lives, in their hearts.  I get to see how they treat other women, other men.  I get to be loved with no ulterior motives, and I get to love without ulterior motives.

I think that’s why I was so scared to be single.  I used to equate special moments as only being possible being in love, and I thought being single meant that special couldn’t exist—that I’d be missing out.

But every day He’s reminding that “special” exists anywhere.  In small moments just as in big moments.  In any friendship.  In any place.  At any time.

There’s a possibility to love in every moment, thanks to Christ.  All I have to do is seize the opportunity, and know that the only way I will miss out is if I surrender to missing out.  It has nothing to do with being single or not.

And because of that, "single" isn’t so scary anymore.  Every day is a new adventure.  And, actually, I have more love today than I've had in all my years to dating.  Thanks be to God for His hand in my life, opening my heart, creating friendships, and creating within His children hearts for Him. 

Though, let me not deceive you, these 177 days have been trying and difficult.  But also, more importantly, oh so blessed.  The rewards far outweigh the trials, and continue to do so.

And something tells me the best is still yet to come.

Let brotherly love continue (Hebrews 13:1).

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

Day 61

A couple Sundays ago, I knew something had changed.

I stayed behind like I normally have the last few months while the congregation went to the table, but this day I felt a little push to join them.  I remained behind, but was curious as to this new feeling in my heart.

It was Tuesday that I understood.

I had walked into the back office at work when I heard his voice.

In the beginning of our time together, his presence lit me like a fire.  That fire quickly died, leaving a tarnished stain on my heart.  His later visits would invoke bitterness and a deep ache.  I grew to look forward to his absence and beyond his occasional, fleeting presence.

And there he stood.  Like the charmer he is, my coworkers were captivated and completely smitten with him.

And me?

I stood in the background and smiled.

I felt nothing.

No anger over his departure.  No sadness over our past.  No giddiness at his visit.  Nothing.

Free, was all I could think.  Free!

Me—the girl who had changed, begged, pleaded, hoped, perished, and settled—that me was free.

And every day I find more value in life—in me.  Because God has taken these 61 days and He’s taken me from that dark place and into the light, where I can bloom, where I can be free, where I can love Him, and feel His love.

And know that I am worth it.  I am worth love.  And because of that love, forgiveness comes.

“…When you come to the cross, you realize that Christ has died for what you have done…but you also realize that Christ has died for what’s been done to you.  Just as powerful as His death was for what you have done is the power of His death for what has been done to you.  So the New Testament says, ‘Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, and forgive each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you...’  This does not say, ‘Just going to excuse that’…Forgiveness does not equal excusing.  Forgiveness is a realization that Christ died for my sins and your sins and some of your sins really hurt me bad, but I’m choosing to forgive you, and allow judgment to be handled by God.  Now if there’s anything that needs to be settled between you and God I’m trusting God is going to settle it, and I’m not going to spend the rest of my life holding hostility and bitterness, and unforgiveness against you, because I want to meet someone…I want to be able to walk into my relationship…and say, by the power of the cross and grace of God, I am free from that.”—Louie Giglio, Passion City Church