Day 243

Rewatching the sermon series that started it all, North Point's Andy Stanley's The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating.  And I’m beginning to think, just like Bryan says there are books that he chooses to read once a year, it’s in my best interest to remind myself the values, direction, and suggestions Andy shares.

It’s hard to believe almost eight months have passed.  It’s been an amazing time.  Below are quotes from the sermons that began changing my heart.  They are packed full of wisdom, so these singular quotes don’t do them justice, but maybe it’ll offer an inkling of what stirred the fire in my heart.

·   Part 1, The Right Person Myth: She grew up in a religious home...She came to Atlanta and immersed herself in the singles dating culture...She's at this gathering, and...she met this guy.  And said this guy was, like, the total package.  The looks, the job, the personality.  As she began to listen to him talk, it was apparent he was Christian.  And not only was he a Christian, he was figuring out and committed to living out his faith in his job, living out his faith in his relationships, living out his faith in his dating relationships...Mature, good looking, and as she talked to him it brought back memories of some of the things she put on the backburner...She left that party, just wow...this guy, this guy, this guy...she goes home, and she starts telling her mom about this guy, and she's going on and on about how good-looking is he, and how he's Christian...and she said that her mother turned to her and said, "Sweetheart, the problem is, a guy like that is not looking for a girl like you."  She said she literally fell to the floor in a puddle of tears, and she cried and she cried and she cried, because she knew her mom was absolutely right. She said that was a defining moment for her as a single person. A defining moment where you know what, she's right...that guy that I'm looking for...he's not looking for someone like me.  In that moment, she decided life change, priorities changing, values changing, friendships changing.  I'm going a different direction with my life.

·   Part 2, Gentleman's Club: Jesus came along, He got it all started.  He got all those guys together and He said...I'm going to tell you something new.  John, get your pen out.  Now here it is, write this down.  New command, love one another—yeah, you in the back?  Even the women?  Even the women, there's no difference.  You talking about romantic love?  Not like a romantic love, but love one another as I have loved you...you're supposed to love one another.  Even the girls?  Yeah, shut up, even the girls.  I want you to look around this room, you have slaves, free people, you got all these people.  When you get together I want you to give equal love, concern, honor and respect to each other regardless of if they're slave, free, male, or female...all...Love one another as I have loved you.  By this the rest of the world will know that you're my follower...that you have love for one another.  By this, by the fact that you give this kind of honor and esteem to people regardless of their sex and regardless background, will tell the world, uh oh, something new is going on, by this one thing, people will know you're my follower.  That you love one another.  Men, do you know what that means?  Every single woman you are ever eyeball to eyeball with, in the office, in your studio, where you work, where you play, the neighborhood association, your mother-in-law, your wife's sister...every woman you’re eyeball to eyeball with, your Savior, who died for you, said, oh, by the way here's how I want you to treat her—I want you to love her like I love you...every time you're eyeball to eyeball with a woman you are looking at someone who is not only made in the image of God, you are looking at someone for whom Jesus Christ gave His life...be careful how you treat her.

·   Part 3, Designer Sex: Wait a minute, nobody's uniting, we're just having sex.  This little Greek word you've used here, Paul, this means like glue, like superglue, like permanent, like bonding, like intertwine, like scrambled eggs, like eggs and grit, like can't be sorted out, like permanent.  When I went down to the temple to have sex with the prostitute, I wasn't uniting with anybody...it was just a physical one-time thing.  I paid her a fee, we had a little religious ceremony, a little private thing, and I'm back, nobody's uniting with anybody.  Paul's over there going, 'That's because you don't understand sex—that when you have sex with a person there is a sense of permanence.  You become one with that person.'  One?  I didn't even know his name!  Again it was Spring Break, I wasn't trying to become one!  I was just kind of doing what my girlfriends did.  And Paul said, 'See that's the thing, you don't know.  Nobody told you.  It's not just physical.'  It's as deep, as soullish, and as personal as anything imaginable and God designed it that way, and you were designed to become one with one and when you continue to become one with person after person after person you damage your intimacy factor...you disconnect sex what it was intended for...and ladies, over time, you will become numb, and you will wonder why your husband can't awaken in you that which you expected.

·   Part 4, If I Were You: Every Saturday, in this city and cities all around, single people make promises that they can’t keep.  They mean to, it’s just that they make promises they are not prepared to keep.  Three, four weeks, or three or four months in, they realize, I know this is what I said, but this is hard, I really did mean it.  I meant it when I said it.  And…people get married and make vows they can’t fulfill, they just aren’t prepared.  And the reason they aren’t prepared is, when it comes to relationships promises are no substitute for preparation.  If you’ve ever entered a long distance race, you know all about this.  It’s one thing to sign up for the race, it’s another thing to prepare for it.  What determines if you finish the race…it’s whether or not you’ve prepared…When it comes to relationships, people think, ‘I can promise my way past my lack of preparation.’  Just because you say I do doesn’t make you able…Just because you say I do doesn’t make you capable…it only makes you accountable…and when you’re accountable for something you’re not capable of doing, it makes you miserable.

I’m not usually that person who pushes things, but, seriously, this sermon series is one of the best things we young singles can hear.  I strongly encourage anyone reading this to invest some time and listen to the series.  I’m eight months in—being single hasn’t killed me, much to everybody’s disbelief.  I am more full, more satisfied, more focused on Christ than I have ever been.  Doubt me?  There’s only one way to find out for yourself…

And Andy has four words for us:

Considerate it.  Do it.  Be the change.


(As a PS, here is a Google link to other sites of OYCers who took on Andy's challenge and survived!)

Day 225

One of my favorite places is Goodwill.  For a lot of reasons, actually, but the main one is because I’m a bookworm.

I love to read, and not only does Goodwill have shelves upon shelves of books, but they’re all under $3.00!  How can you beat that?  You can’t.

A few months ago I found John Piper’s The Legacy of Sovereign Joy.  I needed joy in my life at the time, but there was definitely another reason God pointed me to its place on the shelf that afternoon.

After leaving the store and coming home, I plopped down on my couch and found that there was a rift in the pages.

Maybe an old bookmark, I thought, as usually is the case with used books.

But when I opened the book I found instead an old Father’s Day card.

I knew it was intended for the former owner of the book, but I couldn’t help but to rejoice with its words.  Meant for an earthly father, I felt its sentiments were truly words I could have given to God.  And, today, as I celebrate fathers, I would find it wrong to not finally share this card with Him, the ultimate father.

First you gave me roots,

God, You knew I was lost and that I had been lost for a long time.  When I met You so long ago at that church You knew exactly how to draw me to You.  You gave me a community, You gave me a relationship, but You also gave me a spirit for truth, and in doing so, what followed was a spirit of obedience.

and showed me how to grow from them…

And then You took me through one of the most painful years of my life.  You had set the foundation for me, and when my world fell apart—and it did, boy, did it—You were the only thing left.  You gave me an opportunity to use what I had learned, to love who You put in my life, to rely on You in moments of grief and anger, and You let me be furious with You.  All so that I could continuously find my way back to You in those months.

…then you gave me wings,

And I fought to fly.  I fought the loneliness, the anxiety, and the hopelessness.  In it all, through it all, my eyes remained locked on You.  When I thought times were too difficult, too fleeting, too hopeless, there You were pushing me forward, reminding me constantly that my ways are not Your ways and that You confound the wise.  You began to give me opportunities.  Some of which I overcame, and others at which I failed.  Every single opportunity provided a learning experience, where I learned not only about You, but who I am in You as Your daughter.

and taught me how to fly.

We went from being grounded, the roots, to being uplifted, flying, in the sky.  God, You taught me through so many people what it is to love You, what it is to be filled with joy.  And as I move through life, no, it’s never easy—and thank You for that—I hang onto that joy.  When I’m sad, upset, hurting, angry, You have proved Yourself over and over again that I can trust You, that I am loved by You, that You will never leave me nor forsake, that everything You do is for my good.  As God, You didn’t need to prove jack.  All powerful, all knowing, all immutable, righteous, You could have swept me clean off the planet for my disobedience.  But You didn’t.  I’m still here, new blessings every morning.

I know not the path of my life.  Whether it is I will be married or single, mother or surrogate, writer or starving artist, missionary or caregiver—alive or dead on any given day.  But I know You and Your heart and will for my life, that whatever it may be, it’s for me.  You are for me.  You are the perfect Father, the greatest lover, most gracious Savior, Lord and Master of my life.

And I wouldn’t trade any of what I’ve gone through for anything else.

I am so thankful for You and the path that You predetermined for my life.

How great is Your love for me!  I may never fully comprehend.  And I ask nothing else from You today but that You would use me to show others the very love that moved my life farther and deeper than anything else I’ve ever known or will know.  True love is wasted contained, but shared it is spread as legacy throughout the world.  And in a world full of sinners, nothing is greater than the freeing love of Christ.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

Day 222

My mind is in a few different places tonight, so you know the routine.  Bullets!

·         Dirty Paws  Food, music, dogs.  As long as you know those things about me, we’re pretty much best friends.  Went to Shelby Farms yesterday where the pups were able to stretch their legs, run a few miles, and swim endlessly in the lakes.  It’s such an amazing feeling to see them playing, and to know they’re happy.  Cheeyo tried his best to swim out into the middle of the lake, and he almost humped a puppy.  Yeah, that’s my boy.  Paris chased a greyhound and made friends with some strangers, and when I got home I had two tired dogs.  I love them, and I realized it a little bit more when I came home to an empty apartment after dropping them off to spend time with their uncles.  (Thanks, guys!)  It felt weird to not have them around and definitely made me appreciate them all the more.

·         Single Like Kraft Cheese  Guy tried to add me on Facebook again.  I thought not saying no to a date and avoiding him altogether was the nicest way to say no.  An obvious way.  I don’t know if God’s pushing me for a response or if this is just the enemy trying to get into my head.  Old words be spoken, “See?  No Christian guy would ever want you.  Just settle for this guy.” NO!  I have no desire to settle.  No desire to patronize anyone.  No desire to waste anyone’s time.  I am really enjoying being single right now—which is a good thing, because I may be single forever—but I’m definitely not going backwards here.  Holding out and holding up against the mind-attacks.

·         Donalded  On the way home from dinner tonight, I thought I saw him moving along the sidewalk on Highland with his motorized wheel chair.  I’ve been praying to God about volunteering somewhere with the homeless, and seeing who I thought was Donald, set a deeper ache in my heart.  I wanted to pull over, to see if it was him, and talk to him, but I didn’t.  And I watched him fade away in my review and remembered how desperate the longing was then to help others after meeting him.  Let that flood into my “now” and be a motivator to find a place to help, God.

·         Anger Management  Initial reaction?  Slam on my brakes.  He was tailgating so close I couldn’t see the hood of his car.  Fury.  Wrath.  I wanted to hurt him.  But instead, as we drove off Appling I slowed and veered to the right to let him pass, and to my surprise, he slowed down, too.  Head to head, he started yelling at me.  And for the first time in my life, I yelled back.  You aren’t going to endanger my life and then yell at me like I did something wrong.  I make note of this because this is unlike me, the girl who shrinks in fear at attention—especially angry attention—from strangers.  For the first time, I felt no fear, I didn’t dodge eye contact, and I yelled back.  I know, not very smart, but definitely different from the insecure, fearful Jamie that I’m used to, and so that’s the only reason I’m noting it now.  People talk about LA traffic—shoo, I didn’t have road rage until I moved here.  Memphis can’t drive for anything.

·         Seventeen Days  July 1st I’ll turn 27.  I’ve been saying I’m 27 since January now, so I don’t think it’ll really be a big deal.  Months ago I knew my birthday wasn’t going to be spent in a special way.  When the new work schedule came out months ago, I was given every first Saturday of the month.  So I work the Saturday of my birthday weekend.  I also volunteer in the children’s ministry at church.  When I was given my schedule there, I was given the first Sunday of the month.  So I knew months ago I wouldn’t be doing anything the weekend of my birthday.  I think 27 will pass by quietly, and I’m okay with that.  I’m okay with the focus not being on me.  Happy early birthday, Liv Tyler, Pamela Anderson, Princess Di, and Missy Elliott!

·         Friendships  Being single has definitely given me the opportunity to be friends with more people, both guys and girls.  I have more time, more energy, more freedom to be friends with whoever God chooses to put in my life. And I can’t emphasize enough how much I’m enjoying this part of my life.  I get to spend time with so many people, getting to know them for who they are.  And this is just something for which I am thankful.  I look forward to being married one day, sure—I spent time with a married friend couple tonight and experienced the joy firsthand, er, secondhand or whatever—and I’m excited that I may have a husband one day.  But for right now, I’m single, not ready to mingle, and just enjoying the company that surrounds me.

Day 219

I don’t know when it happened.

Maybe it was when Ava started crying…
And I realized that I could be a part of a child’s life without having to be a mom.  Holding her and loving on her gave me so much joy.  And if I never have kids, I can still love the children of those around me like I have the heart of a mom.  I can still experience smiles, laughs, heartbreaks, and love.

Maybe it was when we went shopping…
And I realized that even though I don’t have a large group of friends, God gave me a friend who can make me laugh, cares about me, and we can just chill and shop at Target and grab dinner and relate to one another in a very chill, laid back way.  That’s all I ever wanted—a friend who can encourage me and listen, but also shoot the breeze.  We don’t always have to have deep conversation, sometimes we can just enjoy the little things in life.  If I never have a big group—the “family” I imagined, that’s okay.

Maybe it was when I realized time changes everything and nothing…

Sitting across from her on the sofa, I came face to face with all the struggles we had gone through separately, and realized that being apart didn’t matter.  I can still be so close to someone even if it’s been years since I’ve seen them.  Maybe I realize some friendships don’t really dissolve even if it seems like time has taken us away from each other.  That friendship is still there, waiting to shine light and love in future situations in amazing ways.

Maybe it was when she walked into a room of family and friends…

And I realized I was a part of it.  I was loved enough to share in a special moment.  I felt special.  And I felt blessed to stand by as she and her new fiancé told their engagement story.  Again, I realized, quality over quantity.  And if one person loves me right now, then the gape in my heart should be a little less.

Maybe it was when he smiled at me…

And I realized I felt safe.  I felt safe with him, plus all my other guy friends.  I realized I am happy.  I’m happy being single.  I’m happy to have such great men in my life who devote their hearts to Christ.  I’m blessed to watch as these friends begin to date—to watch them pursue women and honor them.  It gives me hope one day that I should find a man who treats me likewise.  And I like having my guy friends—no pressure to be something I’m not, because there are no expectations.  I can appreciate them as a sister does a brother, no threat from either side of unwanted feelings.

And as I watch the world around me, I realize there's some happiness in me.  Though there are everyday annoyances and a heart that one day longs to be loved by one man, I am happy.  I’m happy not dating, I’m happy as a single girl, I’m happy as a friend, I’m happy as an employee.  I don’t have everything I want, but I have everything I need right now.

And now’s the time to soak it up.  Every.  Single.  Moment.  Enjoy the friendships.  Enjoy the rain.  Enjoy the small trips.  Enjoy the time alone.  Enjoy the cup of coffee.  Enjoy being goofy.

And that is exactly what I’m going to do.

Who’s with me?

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice (Philippians 4:4).

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure (Psalm 16:9).

Day 177

At about 7:11 pm Friday evening, I had hit my breaking point.

All day had been bad—all week had been bad.  On the verge of an emotional breakdown, I wanted to crumble.  I wanted to throw in my heels and get back into my car and drive home.

But I didn’t.

Instead I walked through the door of a house on Rozelle Street, and instantly melted.

A rainbow of rose petals layered the floor, dim lighting from floating candles shadowed the room, and faces of beautiful young women surrounded me.  I recognized many of the women from church, and scattered in between them were men—not just men, but men who had dressed themselves in the robes of servants for the night in honor of Valentine's Day.  Brothers serving their sisters.

Dinner was the first part of the evening.  The men brought our meals to us as we talked, and then cleared our plates as we finished.  After a dessert of cheesecake squares, we were escorted outside.  Limos awaited.  We were taken for a short cruise around town while the men set up for what was to come next.

The limos headed downtown.  It was as the Memphis bridge came into focus that I sat quietly, drinking in the earlier moments and savoring the lights before me.  I had never seen the bridge like this, and I knew I would never again see it in this way.  This night was one never to be recreated.

On our arrival back, I still felt dazed, overwhelmed, by the complete surrender of the men.  Quiet, chivalrous, attentive, it was a world I had never seen and never thought I would experience while here on earth.

The men took our coats as we filed back into the house.  When we walked in, we were met with a dance floor, which is where we spent the rest of night.

Each act so deeply appreciated and treasured, I think all the women were grateful.  And as we danced the last dance, my heart overflowing with joy and wonder, I could not escape the deep feeling of gratitude.  For the men, for God who had created them, and for the women whose hearts were as light as mine.

It was an amazing evening, and a moment in time I will treasure always.

I wrote this two months ago after an unforgettable night.  Words scribbled on the back of a church bulletin, I wanted to remember every moment.

Rereading this, it feels as if it was just yesterday.  It is so vivid in my mind how the evening unwound.  I felt so blessed and so thankful.  I have some amazing brothers in Christ, and I am so grateful to God for sharing them with me—for letting me experience love in such a pure way.

It took a long time to get here, to a point where I stopped objectifying men and started trusting them—trusting in their love for God—where six months ago, I didn’t.  I didn’t want to and I didn’t think any man was worth trusting.  I didn’t expect to ever be able to trust them.  And here I am now, being loved and loving them as my brothers.

Each day I spend with a guy friend, I am encouraged.  I am encouraged by him, and by how God is opening my heart.  I get to see God working in their lives, in their hearts.  I get to see how they treat other women, other men.  I get to be loved with no ulterior motives, and I get to love without ulterior motives.

I think that’s why I was so scared to be single.  I used to equate special moments as only being possible being in love, and I thought being single meant that special couldn’t exist—that I’d be missing out.

But every day He’s reminding that “special” exists anywhere.  In small moments just as in big moments.  In any friendship.  In any place.  At any time.

There’s a possibility to love in every moment, thanks to Christ.  All I have to do is seize the opportunity, and know that the only way I will miss out is if I surrender to missing out.  It has nothing to do with being single or not.

And because of that, "single" isn’t so scary anymore.  Every day is a new adventure.  And, actually, I have more love today than I've had in all my years to dating.  Thanks be to God for His hand in my life, opening my heart, creating friendships, and creating within His children hearts for Him. 

Though, let me not deceive you, these 177 days have been trying and difficult.  But also, more importantly, oh so blessed.  The rewards far outweigh the trials, and continue to do so.

And something tells me the best is still yet to come.

Let brotherly love continue (Hebrews 13:1).

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

Day 148

“The man who makes me laugh will easily find his way into my heart.”

This is what I want for you.

I heard His voice as I watched her walk down the aisle to him, giggling.

This is what I want for you.

I heard Him again as they laughed and danced their way back down the aisle to Walking on Sunshine.

This is what I want for you.

They laughed as they made their first entrance as husband and wife.

They laughed during their first dance.

They laughed as they cut their cake.

Laughing, laughing, laughing, enjoying each other.

And I just kept hearing God, This is what I want for you.

And I don’t know when it clicked, but it did and I thought, Hey, I want this, too.

I want someone who will laugh with me.  Someone I can enjoy life with, side by side, as my best friend.  Someone not too scared to be goofy with me.  Someone not scared to be different and funny and lighthearted, and intentionally seeking joy.

This is the happiness I want for you.  Jamie, you love to laugh.  I know this about you, because I created you.  Everything you are, I made.  You have a heart that is meant for someone to appreciate, someone to nurture it and the joy inside it.  These last relationships, though full of meaningful lessons, were never made to work.  They didn’t make you smile, they didn’t make you laugh.  It was, indeed, very much the opposite.  You smile so much now.  And I want you to recognize this.  You will spend the rest of your life smiling, laughing, and feeling the joy of the blessings I bestow upon you.  But, I do not promise you a husband.  Instead I promise that you will live a life filled with joy and laughter.  And I would rather you be single and have this freeness in life, than, like Bryan said, be leashed to a love unworthy of you. Because though you may find moments of sadness in solitude, nothing is sadder than settling for someone.  Take comfort that this is My plan, and cling to the importance of joy.  For if you so decide to trade that joy for a spouse that doesn’t fit, it will be a sad day for not only you, but Me.

And I do take comfort in that—so much comfort.  Because He is right.  I’ve laughed more in the last four months than I have throughout entire relationships.   If my options were to be single and happy or be married and miserable, I would rather be happy.  Not that those are my only options, because they’re not—but, they are if I settle.  If I settle just to have someone in my life, I am surely taking the lesser of the two routes.

And knowing this, hearing this from Him in this way, watching the wedding yesterday, I feel more at peace with God’s plan for me…whatever it may be.

For you are our glory and joy (1 Thessalonians 2:20).

Day 92

This morning I woke up in Little Rock, Arkansas.

The night before April and I left Memphis en route to visit our friend and share in her special day!  We had an easy drive, and when we arrived in her and her husband’s new home, we chatted until about midnight.

The next morning I woke up refreshed.  April woke up early and departed to the living room, and I stayed in bed, dozing in and out of consciousness, and praising God for the beautiful sunshine flooding through the window.  It was a peaceful morning, and after I showered I walked out to meet our group in the living room with Tabitha reading the Jesus Calling entry for today.

@micaelafberry, wishing our quartet could be together!

With a warm cup of coffee in a fun green coffee cup, the sun beaming happily on every inch of the room, I was just filled with joy and happiness.

From there we went to Fellowship Little Rock, which is a pretty snazzy church.  A bookstore, a café, and plenty of seating, I was in awe.  April and I stood awaiting the baptisms about to take place, and I was super eager to see my friend in such a special moment.

Children filed up and were dipped in the pool after dedicating their lives to Christ.  And then there was Tabitha.

She and David entered the pool, and David introduced his wife to the crowd.  From there, she told the group of her life and her struggles and the joy she had found in following God’s path for her.  It was a beautiful moment, and then we watched as her husband dipped her in the water and brought her up, baptizing her for God.

Tabitha and I haven’t been friends for a long time, according to the world.  But as far as our walks are concerned, she is my best friend, my sister, my confidant, my trusted God-centered friend who is always encouraging and always edifying.  We been through some of the same struggles, as well as very different struggles, and there was something so satisfying and so joyful in standing there, watching my best friend give her life to God while the love of her life stood right beside her.

So much love.

To see the love in this world and to feel the love of Him, all in one place.

It was overwhelming, and filled me with hope and joy.  From there, we filtered into the space to listen to the sermon.  And we sang song after beautiful song, led by Drew Cline, whose voice I really loved.  And it was nice to be standing next to my best friend, singing again.  With life being as it is, ever changing, it’s been a long time since we’ve been side by side, singing to God.  Every part of this day was special.

When the sermon ended maybe an hour later, I was so filled with peace. 

And April and I started on our way back to Memphis.  It was a quiet ride.  Mostly because I was just overwhelmed with so much love, peace, and joy.  Such a beautiful day, with such beautiful people, and given to us by such a beautiful God.

I feel rejuvenated, and thankful, and more ready for my upcoming trip to California than I have been in the last month.

One trip down, one to go.

Hopefully my next will be just as meaningful an experience as this was.  Thank you, Tabs!  I love you!

Day 34

One year ago…I was miserable.

I was so confused and lost…and struggling to follow Christ the best I could.

I prayed for a community that would walk with me and could understand my struggles. 

I prayed…and I prayed…and I prayed.

Tonight I went over to a friend’s for a small dinner, and sat around a table full of new faces.  After dinner, the rest of the night was spent watching Hitch and talking about God.

Talking about God all night?!  What community does this?  Is this reality?  I wondered in amazement.  I sat quietly, taking in the conversation before me.  It sounded like all different people from all different walks with so much wisdom, so many concerns, and so much love for God.

These last few months have just brightened my life.  I have never been so thankful and so vulnerable.  This has been such a great journey—not that it’s been a great journey, but one where I’ve grown, grown close to Him, and have grown close to others.  I can’t explain in words what it feels like for an empty heart to be filled a little more each day…

I enjoyed every moment of tonight, and thank You, God, for moving mountains.  This is exactly where I wanted to be, but could never find.  You are faithful, and loving, and so amazing, and I just want to praise You!  I want to honor You and all the wonderful people You have given me!  I am so full of joy!

Posted 12/10/2011 @ 2:24 AM