Day 323

She set up the entire event by herself.

She set up every event by herself.

She is amazing in this way.

Instead of complaining about lack of friends and friends who failed to step up, she just did it.

The bridal shower.  The bachelorette party.  The wedding reception.

She handled herself with grace and humor.

I can’t say I would’ve done the same.  Maybe I would’ve cursed the friends who RVSP’d ‘yes’ and went to Redbirds game instead.  I may have cried when I spent days planning a shower and then that friend who promised she’d be there couldn’t even call the day of to offer regrets.  I would’ve cried.  I would’ve confronted.  I would’ve collapsed.

But not her.

And last night, when the last of the parties was over, I stayed to clean with her.  Friendship is synonymous with sacrifice, though I think more people choose to associate it only with forgiveness.  You sacrifice identities like pride and feelings of resentment.  You sacrifice your first choice for a second.  You sacrifice your time and your energy.  You get there fifteen minutes early and you stay fifteen minutes late, if you’re able.

And as I started stacking chairs, cleaning in my nice summer dress and heels, I saw her lifelong best friend (and said friend’s fiancé) cleaning beside me.

In her new dress and new cardigan, she shifted comfort to the wayside, and stayed behind to clean up the hall.  Her fiancé swept, cleared the tables, and waited around for more orders.  My heart swelled a little upon bearing witness to a small, but meaningful sacrifice—this act of kindness and love—and it thoroughly made an impression on me.

Friends aren’t necessarily the people at the party.  They’re the after-party people, willing and ready to serve in their new dresses in whatever capacity they are called.

In the old saying, everyone in your life is a branch, or a leaf, or a root.  Mostly everyone is a leaf, not everyone is a branch, and time will reveal the roots in your life.  Hold fast to them and let everyone else go.  Don’t sweat the leaves that are sure to fall away, because that’s energy wasted that should be spent at an after-party in a cardigan and heels with roots.

Day 195

"My only regret in life is that I didn't have another son for you to marry," he laughed.

"Aaw, I can still call you 'Dad,' right?"

We all laughed.  I was sitting at a table with my best guy friend and his parents.  A family preparing to celebrate a graduation and an upcoming wedding.  I'm ready to celebrate, too.

I reflected on the last two years with my friend and his beautiful soon-to-be wife being in my life.  What an impact they have had on my life!  I have no doubt God strategically gave them to me, knowing fully I needed them.

I remember meeting them several Novembers ago while I was in a terrible relationship, and thinking, "I wish I had a relationship like that one."

I remember as he became the first guy to really love me as a friend, showing me what a Godly man is, and watching him as he continued to lovingly pursue his girlfriend.

I remember as she, though being so young, led me spiritually in moments where I desperately needed a strong Godly woman in my life.  The nights she spent on my couch while she was in town visiting him, and how comfortable she is with who she is in Christ.

There is a part of me that will miss the pre-marriage version of our friendships.  I'll miss her spending the night or him counseling me through relationship and men stuff.

But, then, as I was driving the other day, I heard God say that it's okay to miss people and things and seasons of life.  We don't miss the bad things...

Oh, I miss him breaking up with me.

Oh, I miss her using me.

Oh, I miss that job that made me feel worthless.

If we miss something, it was special.  That's why we miss it.  And I don't know how I didn't understand that sooner.

There have been so many things I've been missing lately.  I wish I could go back to this time, this friendship, this season...

But then I'm neglecting the space for new things, new people, new experiences...

All the people I've gotten to know lately, all the delicious food I've been able to eat, all the fun first-time-things I've been able to enjoy...

If I held onto the same friendships, in the same seasons, in the same place, life would be routine.

Anticipating this wedding, I am so excited for them, and their new life.  She'll be living in town now.  Both of them right down the street.  She’ll be a wife and he’ll be a husband.  And they’ll still be my friends—friends that I’ll get to watch build a life and a family together.

Change can be good.  Change can be great.  And this is opening my eyes to how very good it can be.

Counting down the days to beignets, New Orleans, and seeing two amazing people tie the knot!

Day 92

This morning I woke up in Little Rock, Arkansas.

The night before April and I left Memphis en route to visit our friend and share in her special day!  We had an easy drive, and when we arrived in her and her husband’s new home, we chatted until about midnight.

The next morning I woke up refreshed.  April woke up early and departed to the living room, and I stayed in bed, dozing in and out of consciousness, and praising God for the beautiful sunshine flooding through the window.  It was a peaceful morning, and after I showered I walked out to meet our group in the living room with Tabitha reading the Jesus Calling entry for today.

@micaelafberry, wishing our quartet could be together!

With a warm cup of coffee in a fun green coffee cup, the sun beaming happily on every inch of the room, I was just filled with joy and happiness.

From there we went to Fellowship Little Rock, which is a pretty snazzy church.  A bookstore, a café, and plenty of seating, I was in awe.  April and I stood awaiting the baptisms about to take place, and I was super eager to see my friend in such a special moment.

Children filed up and were dipped in the pool after dedicating their lives to Christ.  And then there was Tabitha.

She and David entered the pool, and David introduced his wife to the crowd.  From there, she told the group of her life and her struggles and the joy she had found in following God’s path for her.  It was a beautiful moment, and then we watched as her husband dipped her in the water and brought her up, baptizing her for God.

Tabitha and I haven’t been friends for a long time, according to the world.  But as far as our walks are concerned, she is my best friend, my sister, my confidant, my trusted God-centered friend who is always encouraging and always edifying.  We been through some of the same struggles, as well as very different struggles, and there was something so satisfying and so joyful in standing there, watching my best friend give her life to God while the love of her life stood right beside her.

So much love.

To see the love in this world and to feel the love of Him, all in one place.

It was overwhelming, and filled me with hope and joy.  From there, we filtered into the space to listen to the sermon.  And we sang song after beautiful song, led by Drew Cline, whose voice I really loved.  And it was nice to be standing next to my best friend, singing again.  With life being as it is, ever changing, it’s been a long time since we’ve been side by side, singing to God.  Every part of this day was special.

When the sermon ended maybe an hour later, I was so filled with peace. 

And April and I started on our way back to Memphis.  It was a quiet ride.  Mostly because I was just overwhelmed with so much love, peace, and joy.  Such a beautiful day, with such beautiful people, and given to us by such a beautiful God.

I feel rejuvenated, and thankful, and more ready for my upcoming trip to California than I have been in the last month.

One trip down, one to go.

Hopefully my next will be just as meaningful an experience as this was.  Thank you, Tabs!  I love you!

Day 81

Tensions were high.

We were stressed, overwhelmed, and tired.

We snapped.

Well, I snapped first.  Then both of our attitudes went downhill.  Hurt people hurt people, and after everything we were going through, the last thing we needed was a fight.  The last thing we needed was to lose each other.  The last thing I needed was to hurt a friend.

And so I apologized.  I told her what hurt me.  And I asked her what hurt her.  Genuinely.

Friendship isn't based on the people you see the most.  Or the people that agree with you all the time.  Or how much you have in common.  Friendship is based on those who stick beside you when you're ugly.  When you're mean.  And when you're tired.  When you deserve a friend the least.  And true friendship gives grace.  She gave me grace today, and that is an act of love.

It was around noon that I left for lunch, the first one out.  (By the way, don't text and drive.  Not only is it illegal, it's illegible.)  And I asked her…

1:07 PM                u wantanythunv’?

1:07 PM                No thanks. I appreciate the offer

1:10 PM                You have a quality that will help your marriage last. Your willingness to fix situations will take you a long way.  Any man who gets the honor of marrying

1:10 PM                you will be so blessed.  You are a great person.

1:10 PM                Scratch great, wonderful

1:16 PM                That means a lot coming from you because I think the same of you. You are important to me and I love you.

1:25 PM                I love you more sister

She didn’t have to say any of that to me.  And yet, she did.  Upon grace, she gave me even more love.

Last night while listening to an Andy Stanley sermon, he said this:

"I'm not trying to be right...I'm trying to reconcile!"

How much better our relationships would be if we lowered our pride and let our concern for others rise.  How much better it would be if we let go of being right and set our hearts on being reconciled.  As difficult as it is to push that part of us down, reconciliation is worth it, because it gives us something our pride will never be able to…love.

Day 38

I remember the sweater I wore on our first date.

Funny, for a girl who has a terrible memory, the things I remember.

I still have it hanging in my closet, and when I wear it my mind drifts back to that cold January day.

It was my favorite turtleneck.  Deep orange and soft, it not only kept me warm, but complemented my then-jet-black hair.  As I drove to meet him, I stopped at the traffic light at Germantown Parkway and Walnut Grove.  It was then I heard Shinedown’s 45 for the first time.

Funny, the things I remember.

The sadness of the words wooed my heart.  I felt the pain though I knew nothing of it at that time.  It would be two years later, like a prophecy, that the lyrics of this song would punctuate my life.

Whatever happened to the young man’s heart?

Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

Last December, my heart would drown in its decaying state, and I would be swallowed by the same pain sung within that sad melody.

It was today as I dressed for work that I realized I was pulling on a sweater I had not worn in a year.

This would be the very sweater I wore on the last day I saw him.

Funny what I remember.

Black and white.  What irony.

Things were black and white that snowy night.  He didn’t want me.  I wanted him.  He had moved on.  I hadn’t.  He had lied.  I had cried.  He was gone.  And I couldn’t breathe. 

My whole life changed in that moment, and for a year, memories of him plagued me like an incurable illness.

For a girl with a terrible memory, I remembered so much.

In a month, our year apart will be dated, and I will think of the 365 days that have passed—a testimony to God’s unfailing love.  So much can happen in a just year.

Three years ago began the most painful, but beautiful journey of my lifetime.  Two years ago sparked authentic curiosity.  One year ago I died in heartbreak.  Today, my heart is alive in love.

Thoughts of him now feel like I am swimming through the ashes of another life, because it was another life.

As time passes, God clears more of these ashes from my heart.  Every day, those ashes of my past become less and less as love—His love—delicately sweeps them from the darkened spaces within me.

Those ashes of 2010?  Yeah, redeemed by the light of 2011.

Dance parties at work.  The first time I tried apple cider.  Andy Stanley sermons.  Meeting a Persian.  The dance floor at the Rumba Room.  A salsa inspired Justin Bieber mix.  The one-way street that was not so one way.  An uncleanable crockpot.  A scone at Panera.  A delicious dirt-cake.  Tables at Starbucks where amazing conversations were had.  Couches with strategy.  Creepy facial hair.  Boots that were worn out to Black Friday.  Conversation hearts.  Breakfast at CKs.  A terrible Muppet movie.  A warm bonfire.  Nertz and Signs.  The day I came home from the Connection Classes and wept out of joy.

Years from now, when God and I sit down for coffee, I will share all the ashes of my life with Him and thank Him for the dark places, praise Him for redeeming those dark places, and throw myself at His feet in gratitude for the light He would shine down upon me in every moment of my life.

Day 29

Bittersweet.

Tonight was bittersweet.  Our Sunday night group sat in the middle of Tracy’s beautiful living room, my best friend sitting on my right.

In a few weeks, she and her new husband will be moving away to Conway, Arkansas.

Our first picture together, sometime 2010.

Our history is a long one, our stories intertwined.  We met in February of 2010.  I shared in her birthday in May, soon after she left for China.  Then in August, I saw her off to Haiti and welcomed her home.  Then around July we started a small group, reading the book Captivating.  At the end of year we started going to Christ City.  In February 2011, I met her David.  In May, David asked her to marry him, and we also said goodbye to Tango and Nicole.  In August I shared in her bridal shower.  And in October, I watched as she became Mrs. David Houk :-)  From there, we’ve seen each other every week.

She’s been my rock.

And now as I prepare my heart to say goodbye to our season, I am just so thankful for the time we shared.  Our weekly dinners will come to an end.  And she’ll no longer be a stone’s-throw away.  It’s a beautiful thing—a new chapter, a new beginning, but I will miss her so much.

She is the light that always shined God’s love and truth on me.  In my darkest moments, she was there, lighting the way.  In times of confusion, she kept me level and grounded.  People usually name moments that they come to Christ, but some people name people.  Tabitha is my person—the reason I love God like I do today is because of her.  She is the Godsend who never gave up on me and continuously poured into me, being an example of Christ’s unyielding love.

And sitting in that living room tonight with my oldest, dearest friend, and having her meet my new friends with whom I will be sharing my life, it meant so much to me.

God provides.  God gave me Tabitha.  I look to Him and thank Him for the people He has given me.  For the old, for the new—the lights that encourage me and bring me closer to Him.  I treasure these friendships—these sisters—so much!

For those who were with me tonight, Tabitha, Tabria, Roz, Faith, Sara, Danielle, and Tracy—I love you so much, and I thank God for sharing you with me.  Tonight meant so much to me.  I look forward to our friendships continuing for years and years and years to come.

Day 28

Make new friends, but keep the old—one is silver and the other’s gold.

Had a really good time tonight.

The more I learn to love people for who they are, flaws and all, I think it’ll be easier to part with resentment and anger.

Posted 12/04/2011 @ 2:12 AM

Day 17

I am thankful.

I am thankful for Katie who makes me laugh.  I am thankful for Tracy and her wisdom and thoughtfulness.  I am so thankful for Danielle whose heart is beautiful, wise, and hilarious.  I am thankful for Sara and her loving nature.  I am thankful for Paige and her kindness and awesome cupcakes.  I am thankful for Savannah, her attention to detail, and her dirt cake.  I am thankful for Jillian and her sense of humor and funny facial expressions, because they remind me of mine.  I am thankful for Tabria and her uplifting, sweet, uncrushable, genuine spirit.  I am thankful for Lacey for sharing who she is and her generosity, and ability to laugh off her mistakes.  I am thankful for Lauren, because she is hilarious, wise, and tender in her ways of edifying others.  I am thankful for Egypt, her honesty, and who she is as a complete person.  I am thankful for Lindsay and her nature to reach out to others and encourage them.  I am thankful for Faith, for her strength drawn from pain and encouraging nature.  I am thankful for Roz, and her endearing, funny, sweet heart.  I am thankful for Tony, and his generosity and willingness to take me up on my offer to help.  I am thankful for Leonard for his never-give-up attitude and tenderness toward his sisters, but man-up attitude towards his homies.  I am thankful for Justin for always offering brotherly love, the right verse, the right words, and an invitation to hang.  I am thankful for Christine and her undying desire to pursue Christ and His will for her.  I am thankful for Tabitha for a multitude of reasons, including her will to pursue Christ.  I am thankful for Micaela, for her humor and attitude full of grace and truth.  I am thankful for my dogs and their unending love.  I am thankful for the smell of cinnamon.  I am thankful for red leaves on fall trees.  I am thankful for good music.  I am thankful for chicken-minis from Chick-fil-a.

I am thankful for my past.  I am thankful for my present.  I am thankful for whatever awaits me in my future, God.  Whatever will come, will come.  As for the now, I will trust You through the pain.  When I can’t feel You, I will search out one of the many friends with whom You have blessed me.  Forgiveness isn’t easy.   Moving on isn’t easy.  Taking my thoughts captive isn’t easy.  Every day is a struggle, and I know I’m still sad…but I will cling to You.

Because whatever You desire to give me is GOOD.  It’s BETTER.  I don’t want garbage, God.  You know what’s best for me.  I only think I do.  Snuff out my stubbornness, let me bear this pain—even better, let me let it go!  Let me understand it wasn’t Your will, and I’m only hurting myself by hanging on and wanting something poisonous.  Let me move on, and be thankful, and rejoice in what’s to come!

PS. Here's the thing.  I know naming names gets people in trouble, so let me just say if I didn't say I'm thankful for you, it's only because I'm tired and old.  More people than I can thank have touched my life in a multitude of ways.  I hope you all know somewhere in your hearts what you've done for my life.

Day 8

I have no idea where the tears came from.

Wait, yes, I do.

They came from these layered personal tragedies, lost hope suffocating my courage, vicious lies from Satan.  Emptiness grew these tears, and Despair pushed them out from the very depths of my heart.  All I remember is emotionally collapsing in the cove, memories of this last year flashing through my mind like snapshots from a horror film.

They held me as I cried.  They were the only thing holding me up.

What an odd feeling for a soul to crumble, but rejoice at the same time.

I wept for the girl I was.  For her pain.  For everything she went through.  For all that she endured, both before coming Christ, and especially after.

I sobbed.  And I celebrated.  I rejoiced in having a faithful God.  A God who provides in His timing, in His way.

They held me up.

They held me.

I consider everything I’ve lost the greatest gift God could’ve ever given me.

A way to stop my deepest sin.  A sorrow to end my desire.  The absence of friends to appreciate His eventual gift.  Failed relationships to hinder my dependence.  Friendships to grow me, to guide me, to remind me of His love—His sweet, sweet love.

I am loved.  And He loves me.

And I am His, and He is mine.

I am emotionally exhausted.   But I'm under His light.

And so begins Week 2.

Day 5

Today was a great day.

I wore a genuine smile all day and can’t remember all the moments I laughed.

I waited and prayed so long for friendship.  It took a year, and within the last months, God decided it was time.  If I had to wait a year for quality instead of quantity, I am glad for the wait, God.

Rachel, Lauren P., Candace, Danielle, Tracy, Katie, Lauren S., Savannah, Sara, and a few others…these girls have each touched my heart in just a matter of weeks.  I am so thankful for the newest friends God has placed in my life.

There are very few people from my recent past that I still have in my life.  Two, to be exact.  Two precious friends.

And tonight I was able to reunite with one of them.

If anyone has been a steadfast friend to me—if any one person knows me, has seen me from past to present and encouraged my future, it’s her.

The new Mrs. Tabitha Wiley Houk :)

Tonight we saw each other for the first time since her wedding on October 22nd.

I have so much love for her.  I thank God for blessing me with her friendship.  She has seen me through it all.  My darkest days, my most hopeless moments, she has been there beside me, acting as a tether to Christ.

Our lives have both changed so much in just one year.  It was almost surreal to sit across from her, tell new stories, reflect on the old, and celebrate new moments, unlikely victories, and her new marriage!

I pray that God keeps her in my life.  She is precious.

Today was better than yesterday.  The friends God has put in my life have made all the difference.

Thank You, God, for answering prayers for community, friendship, sisterhood, brothers, examples of godly men, brotherly love, and accountability.  I pray for people who will invest and pour into me.  I pray for deep, faithful friends.  I pray for trust and lifelong relationships.  Help these people be a light to me, and let me, in my own Jamie way, be a light to them as well.