Day 126

It’s the middle of my second quarter of this challenge.  I’ve made so much progress in just a little over four months.

God is amazing, and it is good to see progress for actively working on my heart.  Day 1 Jamie is definitely very different from Day 83 Jamie and especially from Day 126 Jamie.  It’s exciting.  It’s scary.  It’s pain.  But it’s growth, too.  I feel God moving in my life and in my heart.

I’ve done things I never thought I could do.

I forgave my ex-boyfriends; they don’t determine my worth.

I forgave my family; they don’t determine my worth.

Now it’s time to forgive myself and learn that I don’t even determine my worth.

It’s time to work on knowing and understanding the roots of my heart issues.  Working through those pains may be the hardest, most hurtful memories to go through yet, but I’m ready.

I don’t know how I’m going to do it.  I know I’m going to pray by asking God to lead me.  Help me navigate through this, God!  God, just grow me, and use me, and lead me, and help me.

Day 80

For the last two months, I’ve ridden the tracks of forgiveness.

On my OYC train, I determined early on it was forgiveness that was going to grow me.

But last night, as my friend and I delved into my past, it became obvious that forgiveness was not for what my heart was searching.  So what was it, this ache so deep, so unnerving?

Wheels turning, heart idle, I replayed scenes, emotions, and thoughts from my life at home in California.

Tempers birthed damaging words.  Infidelity ushered away intimacy.  Absence and neglect grew canyons of nonchalance and defensiveness.

The actions hurt.  But the underlying pain is not the actions themselves.  It is the message my heart received.

YOU ARE NOT LOVED.

The resounding ache of the pain is not the yelling or lying or indifference—though those things do hurt.  It is what they meant, what I saw them to mean.  As a daughter—as their daughter—I was not loved.

And I have spent my life searching for that love I never received.

It wasn’t until God swooped me into His arms, proclaiming, “I love you!” that my weary, destructive, sad search ended.  Only then did I feel loved.  Real love.

Real love.  Worldly love.  There is not even a balance on that scale.  Perfect love and imperfect love.

Somewhere God was whispering to my heart that an act of forgiveness would not heal the relationship with my parents.  Forgiveness implies there is someone to blame, and I don’t blame my parents.  Dominos in the line of Adam, we do not possess the ability to love perfectly, especially those of the world who have not heard the Gospel.

It wasn’t until I even knew the love of God that I could begin to love others.  How could I blame my family for living of the world when they were not shown any differently?  C.S. Lewis shares this in Mere Christianity:

“And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer.  If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.”

I took a wrong turn long, long ago on the road of love.  Being adopted into the family of Christ, my life has been reset.  Flying to California in February is in essence my opportunity to about-turn and try again with this new love in my heart.

I am not searching out love in my parents.  My heart is full in Christ.  And because my heart is full, I am free to love them, knowing that I’m not depending on them or their love or their inability to love.

Progressive love.  Purposeful love.  Intentional love.  I am no longer bound by my unlovedness, but overflowing in the love of Christ.

And I pray, dear God, that You help me intentionally love and honor my family.

“[Love] is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational.  And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better.”  The Love Dare, Stephen and Alex Kendrick

Day 62

“I just came home for lunch and about a half hour before I came home I was helping your friend from school, One.  He was coming to pick up a package, and he said, ‘How’s Jamie doing?  Is she going to be coming home any time soon for a visit?’  And I said, ‘As a matter of fact, she’s coming at the end of February,’ and then he said something about it would make him feel better if he could talk to you and apologize to you for the way he was back in school.  And that’s all he said, so I said I’ll pass the word along in case you don’t get to talk to her.  So that’s what I’m doing, I’m just passing it along.  Take it for what it’s worth.  I’ll talk to you later, honey.  Have a good day.”

My mother, who works at USPS, left me a voicemail.  I never, in a million years, would have guessed that these were the words I would've heard.

And, actually, my ears couldn’t make out any words after I heard ‘apologize.’

Tears flooded my vision.

Before I could even process why, I was sobbing.

An apology from my first boyfriend—my first love, my first heartbreak.  He was the Romeo of my lifetime.  My parents hated him, his parents hated me.  And at some point, he grew to hate me, too, and was very public about it.  We were both young, and the hurt was great.  After he graduated, I never saw him again, but the trauma remained.

An apology.

An apology?

After ten years, an apology.

At any point over the last 4,380 days he could’ve apologized, when I felt like I needed it, deserved it.  But on today, the 4,381st day, walking around like a free woman, free of my chains and shackles, that’s when it comes.

Do you see the beauty in that?

I spent a decade hating someone.  And I spent a decade angry, because I felt like I deserved an apology.  The day after I come to forgive, the day after I let go, the day after I was freed, I get this beautiful voicemail  offering the one thing I desperately wanted for the last 10 years.

And God said, “You only thought you needed it.  Now I give it to you when you have no expectations, no standards, no demands.  I give it to you when you have been freed, and because you let it go, because you’re free, you appreciate its beauty so much more.  It’s not a scale-balancer.  It’s not an apology that was purchased with the pain to which you clung for so long.  It’s not a transactional exchange, where you gave to get something.  You gave it to Me.  You trusted Me.  And now you receive this, a free gift.”

Faithful?  Even after this, I still can’t fathom just how truly faithful God is.  Every day He proves His love for me.  And this was one of the sweetest, most amazing moments of my life.  Thank you, One.  Thank You, God, for this gift.  God is amazing.

After ten years of deep-pitted resentment.

After 61 days of actively searching out forgiveness.

After 1 day of having let it all go.

This moment is far beyond anything I could have dreamed.

Day 61

A couple Sundays ago, I knew something had changed.

I stayed behind like I normally have the last few months while the congregation went to the table, but this day I felt a little push to join them.  I remained behind, but was curious as to this new feeling in my heart.

It was Tuesday that I understood.

I had walked into the back office at work when I heard his voice.

In the beginning of our time together, his presence lit me like a fire.  That fire quickly died, leaving a tarnished stain on my heart.  His later visits would invoke bitterness and a deep ache.  I grew to look forward to his absence and beyond his occasional, fleeting presence.

And there he stood.  Like the charmer he is, my coworkers were captivated and completely smitten with him.

And me?

I stood in the background and smiled.

I felt nothing.

No anger over his departure.  No sadness over our past.  No giddiness at his visit.  Nothing.

Free, was all I could think.  Free!

Me—the girl who had changed, begged, pleaded, hoped, perished, and settled—that me was free.

And every day I find more value in life—in me.  Because God has taken these 61 days and He’s taken me from that dark place and into the light, where I can bloom, where I can be free, where I can love Him, and feel His love.

And know that I am worth it.  I am worth love.  And because of that love, forgiveness comes.

“…When you come to the cross, you realize that Christ has died for what you have done…but you also realize that Christ has died for what’s been done to you.  Just as powerful as His death was for what you have done is the power of His death for what has been done to you.  So the New Testament says, ‘Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, and forgive each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you...’  This does not say, ‘Just going to excuse that’…Forgiveness does not equal excusing.  Forgiveness is a realization that Christ died for my sins and your sins and some of your sins really hurt me bad, but I’m choosing to forgive you, and allow judgment to be handled by God.  Now if there’s anything that needs to be settled between you and God I’m trusting God is going to settle it, and I’m not going to spend the rest of my life holding hostility and bitterness, and unforgiveness against you, because I want to meet someone…I want to be able to walk into my relationship…and say, by the power of the cross and grace of God, I am free from that.”—Louie Giglio, Passion City Church

Day 21

Today is Saturday.  And every Saturday on my commute to work, I pass by his place.

He is Number Four, and for two years, I made that same drive to his place.  The same turns, the same lights, the same railroad tracks greet my angry heart every Saturday.

Tonight, the time drew near for me to meet my friend for coffee, and I packed my things, excited to see her, but emotionally unsteady.

I waited for her in the café, in our usual space against the wall, and watched as the rain fell.  Everything just looked darker.  I let my thoughts wander, meditating in—and almost relishing—my anger.  For everything he did, for everything I still feel, for the continuing ache, I was angry.  So when my friend arrived, she sat, we talked, and then she led me through Romans.  I did not anticipate that firecracker in chapter 11 that would set my world aflame.

For just as you were at one time disobedient to God but now have received mercy because of their disobedience, so they too have now been disobedient in order that by the mercy shown to you they also may now receive mercy.

I see it as unfortunate that I credit much of my salvation to watching the life of a Pharisee.  I saw the outward actions, the good deeds, the right words, but I knew his heart.  I saw what it meant to live a double-life, and it lit a fire in me to keep me from living that lie.

When I saw this verse, something clicked.  I saw the relationship between the Jews and the Gentiles.  A Jew, in this book, was someone who upheld laws, expecting to be saved because of their righteousness—not their love of Christ.  Gentiles were compared to Abraham, who was saved alone by his faith in God.  I had an eerie feeling I was reading my own story.

If he is a Jew and I am a Gentile, then I came to Christ because he stumbled.  Through his trespass, my salvation has come, and according to the book, my coming to Christ would have caused an uproar in his heart—a jealousy.  God used the Jews to reach the Gentiles and the Gentiles to bring Israel back to Christ.

My friend said tonight, “Our God is a God of second, third, and fourth chances.”  If God gave me another chance, He gives everyone another chance—including my ex, even if I don’t want to admit it, it’s the truth.

For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Romans 11:34

I’ve heard it all my life.  God works in mysterious ways.  I would never have guessed this is how I could come to Him.  If, in his trespass against me, he brought me to Christ, then how can I hate him?  How can I hate him, but claim to love God if that was God’s way of bringing me to Him?

As I read on, I felt God urging me to listen.

Note then the kindness and the severity of God: severity toward those who have fallen, but God’s kindness to you, provided you continue his kindness. Romans 11:22

It doesn’t read, “God is going to be kind to you no matter what you do.”  We are told to be kind, because God is kind to us.  His kindness is contingent on our kindness to others.  He expects us to be kind to our brothers as He has so gracefully been kind to us.

And if I really want to love and honor God, I have to do this.  I have to understand that I didn't deserve kindness or grace or salvation, and yet, God has been so kind, so full of grace, and redeeming.  What is the right thing to do, Jamie?  You know.

I highly doubt that it's by coincidence that his house in en route to my Saturday branch.  Not in a place that I drive by every day, but juuust often enough that it pricks my soul and both reminds me and pushes me toward the change that must take place in my heart.

Day 20

When he walked in, it was almost like seeing an old friend.  He had the same swagger in his step and wore that same handsome smile on his face—the same grin that had always made me blush.  I had a big smile on my face, too…for about two seconds.

That’s how long it took me to remember the short, but painful span of our defunct relationship.  The secret text messages.  The angry phone calls.  The solo-dolo doctor visits.  The computer misuse.  The misuse of our hearts and bodies.

You are disgusting, Jamie. What a testament of your love for Christ, huh?  The voice in my head mocked me, and a wound in my heart was pierced.  Seeing him again, all I could feel was anger.

Ugh, what is he thinking coming here?

The nerve.  Really?

Look at him, thinking he can just waltz in here like nothing ever happened.

I turned away from him while he caught up with my coworker.

Go away, I growled in my head.  My thoughts gave way to an emotional tantrum.  I haven’t seen you since September.  Go away.  Go away!  GO AWAY!  When he finally left minutes later, smile and all, I didn’t say goodbye.

It was during my lunch that I received a text message from an unknown number.  I read the message, and threw my phone into my passenger seat.

Nooooooooooooo!  I don’t want your new number!  There is NO part of me that wants to relive anything!

Frustrated, I reclined in my seat, watching the leaves falling ahead of me.  My thoughts jumbled and frantic, I pouted.  When I saw him, 10% of me was angry with him—the other 90% was disgusted with myself all over again.  When I see him, I see who I was, who I let myself be when I was with him.  But I am not that person anymore—right?  The disgust I feel when I see him is born from a fear that I haven’t changed.  And I have—right?  Who I was does not have to dictate who I am, right?

I leaned my head against my seat, and my head turned just so that I saw the entrance to our lot.

STOP.  The big red sign met my gaze with purpose.  At that moment, I felt God pacing along with my thoughts.

Stop!  Why are you so full of worry?  You asked Me earlier if this was temptation or opportunity.  Do you not see it as both?  See its value.  Be tested.  It’s the only way to know where your heart stands NOW.  Why do you hang on?  Let go.   I did not mean him for you.  You chose that which was never yours.  Be not mad at him, because it was you who took without permission.  I tell you now, forgiving yourself is the only way by which you can forgive him.  I know your heart, your guilt, your shame.  Let go.  I have better for you.  Trust Me.  Release him.  Forgive yourself, and be a light to him.  Greet him as the son was greeted by his father—not in the way of gladness that he has returned, but in joy that you both have an opportunity to reconcile, forgive the sin, and know love.

God is definitely providing me with opportunities to reconcile.  With what happened today, this makes three out of my six with whom I have spoken just this week.

Today was difficult.  Seeing him was difficult.  But this is what the road to recovery looks like, huh?  As rocky, as rough, and as bumpy as it’s going to be, being on the road is a lot better than sitting steadfast full of anger in a parking lot.  It's the road to freedom.

When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.

Forgive or relive.

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart.  Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.

Number Three, today was difficult.  But I’m working on forgiving you.  One day I will, and I hope I will be able to look at you the same way God looks at me—with eyes and a heart that know redemption.

Day 18

Oh the things lovers do when it's over

Oh the things lovers do when it's done

Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder

Wake up older

And try to move on

Ask me who I was a year ago and I’ll tell you to listen to this song sung by Julie Roberts.

After a year of avoiding it, tonight I finally clicked My Documents and sought out my picture folders from 2009 and 2010—the disaster years.  Fear of reliving that pain has kept me from looking through them these last eleven months, but tonight God urged me to center my cursor and double-click.

I came face to face with myself.  I saw fake-smile after fake-smile, each like a band-aid trying cover up the wounds on my heart.  Each grimace was an attempt to mask an emptiness—an overwhelming sense of sadness and confusion.  I relied on men to pull me through life, literally.  I would die for attention.  I was beyond broken, the girlfriend of a man who hurt me every day.  And I was fine with it.  I thought that was happiness—or as close to happiness as I could ever experience.  And so I stayed.  Broken nights in hotel rooms, drunk nights at dance clubs, fights about infidelity, lowered standards and feelings of loneliness, confusion, and insecurity were all I came to know.

I’ve held so much pain over those two years of my life.  The mere thought of him used to bring me emotionally to my knees.  But I looked at his face tonight.  I looked over our memories.  I saw our life together.  And I mourned.

For the first time I mourned not for the loss, but for how lost we were…how lost I was.  Somehow the pain transformed itself into sadness.

This forgiveness stuff isn’t easy.  There is so much aching, self-examination, reconciliation, and sadness that must be experienced.  It’s not easy.  And I don’t like it.  But it’s the baby steps that move us along.  As the time comes for me to mourn and forgive each of my broken relationships, I just pray to God for strength to relive important moments, examine my decisions, and find the roots of my heart motives.

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Yes.  Even through this bitter pain, I say yes.

Because it is only through pain we are forced to grow.

And I so desperately want to grow that the pain is becoming worth it.

And so I move on from yesterday’s news and turn away from him, leaving behind, but remembering, everything that was.  With the closing of another chapter of my life, I am more determined than ever to be stronger than the girl who once looked at me from behind the mirror.

Doesn't happen overnight, but you turn around and a month’s gone by,

And you realize you haven't cried.

I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

Day 16

I’m sitting here crying, because I saw your picture.

I’m sitting here crying, because I think of things you said.

I’m sitting here crying, because you moved on like I meant nothing.

I’m sitting here crying, because I can’t forgive.

God, I so desperately want to forgive.  Take these hurts from me.  Take this pain from my heart.  I’m tired of crying over all this hurt.  All these years of pain—take this cup from me!

Please help me heal, because I don’t want this pain to destroy me.

__________________________________________________________________________

One

I want to forgive you because...like me, you had been picked on all your life.  Like me, you were hurt.  Your height, the shape of your head, you were just as much of an outcast as I was.  And so were your friends.  You were never cool.  Neither were they.  And as juniors, y'all had to stoop as low as belittling freshman girls to boost your ego.  I knew about your lives and looking back I see how empty they were.  We were young, had no idea what we were doing, and fought for survival.  I want to forgive you because you're not what love is for me anymore.  I will never go through what I went through while I was with you with anyone else.  I have grown from that experience.  I honestly hope you have, too.  I want to forgive you because it's been 10 years of un-reconciled pain and it's time to let go.  Now that I have God in my life and know what love is, I know you're not it, you were never it, and you're just an illusion in the desert that served to parch and teach me.  You are not what God intended for me for my forever.

Two

I want to forgive you because...you were as confused and as lonely as I was.  You knew something was wrong, and while there was a piece of you that wanted just to shut up and date me, you couldn't.  You just couldn't find an easy way to get out of it.  I forgive you, because I know what fear feels like.  I know what it's like to be trapped.  You did the best you could, and you did what was right for you, which inevitably was what was right for me.  You weren't on track with God then, and it is my deepest prayer that you are at a church with a community with whom you can fellowship.  I hope you haven't lost your fire.  I want to forgive you, because we were both lost.  You are not what God intended for me for my forever.

Three

I want to forgive you because...you are just as screwed up as me when it comes to sex.  We both sought validation and instant gratification from our interaction.  Really, I'm mad at myself for letting you treat me that way.  I can't forgive you, because I couldn't forgive myself.  I want to forgive you, because I knew better.  I could've stopped.  It all could've been avoided.  I want to forgive you because you know what it is to hurt like me.  You know what it's like to hide out of fear of people knowing who you are.  I want to forgive you, because we all make mistakes—terrible ones—even when our mind strongly tells us differently, our flesh is too powerful.  I want to forgive you, because I want to be able to pray for your marriage to be a happy, healthy one where the love of God thrives.  Mostly, I want to apologize, and I want to forgive you because you are not what God intended for me for my forever, and I should've never expected you to fill that space.

Four

I want to forgive you because...I know your heart.  I know there is a terrible hurt somewhere inside of you that is driving you to overcompensate.  Instead of relying on the love of Christ to save you, you are trying to redeem yourself.  I want to forgive you, because I know that pain.  I know the pain of trying to take control of everything in order to fix my life.  I want to be able to pray for you, for your wellness, for your walk.  I want to be able to forgive you, because I know your actions are out of hurt and self-preservation.  God never intended you to be my forever and I need to let you go, because everything you did to me was out of a hurt in your heart that had nothing to do with me or who I was.

Five

I want to forgive you because...I thank God for you.  For it is because of you that I know true love exists.  You showed me I could love again and be better and love better.  You showed me what having a best friend meant.  You showed me what happiness could feel like.  I thank God for the time we had together, both good and bad.  And as scared as you are, I'm scared, too.  You are not who God intended for me for my forever.  I want to pray for your happiness and salvation and growth.  I want to pray for your future wife, that you'll love, protect, honor, and serve her.  I want to forgive you, because I love you.

Six

I want to forgive you because...my worth is in God.  I sought out in you what I should be seeking in God.  And it was not your responsibility to provide that.  I want to forgive you, because I know our flesh is weak.  I know what it's like to be lonely.  I want to forgive you, because I love you as a brother.  As a child of God.  I do not want to label you as anything other than a child of God.  You are not what God intended for my forever, and I pray for both of us, that our walks will reflect purity and steadfast love.

Day 10

God has been taking these few weeks to press forgiveness into my heart.

Yesterday, Bryan tweeted this:

Hashtag, conviction.

Last Sunday made it the second week that I did not take communion with the church.  As the music began, and I saw people rise to be with Christ, a sad ache loomed in my heart.  Separated from God.  I looked up at the ceiling.  What?  The answer followed.  Sin separates you from God.  Feel ya, Holy Spirit.  I nodded, understanding, and let myself ache.  I understand I desperately need to forgive those who have hurt me.

Years ago when I used to write on MySpace, I would journal about dates, never using their real name.  In keeping this journal I considered doing the same to maintain some privacy.  And so today I listed the names of men who have left my heart hurting—six men I have yet to forgive.  These are the men who, if I saw them at this moment, my soul would be very anti-1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

So I took my list of unforgiven men, and I gave them all nicknames.  Still unsatisfied, I wrestled with different ideas to code them.  And it came to me.  I took one verb to describe from where my pain with each man was born.

Using.

Immobilizing.

Flodging.

Vowing.

Breaking.

Ignoring.

To each, I wrote my personalized vehement judgment:

Using: You used me for your ego.

Immobilizing: You made me feel worthless.

Flodging: You lied about who you were.

Vowed: You wore a ring.

Breaking: You came to me broken.

Ignoring: You didn’t care about who I was.

I thought evilly to myself with satisfaction.  Yeah, y’all hurt me, you jerks.  I hope you know how you did me wrong.  I hope one day God wracks your hearts with guilt over the pain you’ve caused me.  I deserve an apology.  I deserve you to recognize my pain!

Attractive, right?  Ugh.  God must’ve been listening, of course, probably shaking His head with a gentle laugh.  What was supposed to be me justifying my hurt quickly hit me in the chest like a sledgehammer.

Using: You used me for your ego, but I used you to validate myself.

Immobilizing: You made me feel worthless, but I made you feel like less of a man.

Flodging: You lied about who you were, but I made excuses about who we were together.

Vowed: You wore a ring, but I wore desperation.

Breaking: You came to me broken, but so was I.

Ignoring: You didn’t care about who I was, but I didn’t care about you enough to say no.

Admitting I was wrong is not easy.  My pride urges me to refuse responsibility.  It’s much easier to place the blame on him or him or him, or him.  As much as my brothers—yeah, catch that?  Brothers!—wronged me, I equally wronged them.  I.  Wronged.  Them.  A sin is a sin is a sin, right?  Ouch.  Hurts to see myself in that light.

But that’s what God does.  He brings our sin out into the light so that we may not remain in darkness.  To unforgive is to unlove, which, I hear, is the antithesis of our great God.  Forgiveness is no easy feat, but I’m praying every day for God to use my heart, to immobilize my sin, to extol lies, for me to stay true to my vow to Him, to give grace for brokenness, and to care enough about others to share my sins.

Let me love and forgive those who have hurt me.  You have forgiven me, and I am a stained sinner.  Your love has washed over me.  Let me love them like you love me, even when it hurts.  Especially if it hurts.  Let me focus on the depth in Luke 6:32-36.  Let me be merciful, because I have a Father who has given so much mercy to me.  And let me outdo them in love and honor.

Day 8

I have no idea where the tears came from.

Wait, yes, I do.

They came from these layered personal tragedies, lost hope suffocating my courage, vicious lies from Satan.  Emptiness grew these tears, and Despair pushed them out from the very depths of my heart.  All I remember is emotionally collapsing in the cove, memories of this last year flashing through my mind like snapshots from a horror film.

They held me as I cried.  They were the only thing holding me up.

What an odd feeling for a soul to crumble, but rejoice at the same time.

I wept for the girl I was.  For her pain.  For everything she went through.  For all that she endured, both before coming Christ, and especially after.

I sobbed.  And I celebrated.  I rejoiced in having a faithful God.  A God who provides in His timing, in His way.

They held me up.

They held me.

I consider everything I’ve lost the greatest gift God could’ve ever given me.

A way to stop my deepest sin.  A sorrow to end my desire.  The absence of friends to appreciate His eventual gift.  Failed relationships to hinder my dependence.  Friendships to grow me, to guide me, to remind me of His love—His sweet, sweet love.

I am loved.  And He loves me.

And I am His, and He is mine.

I am emotionally exhausted.   But I'm under His light.

And so begins Week 2.

Day 6

I really feel blank right now.  Instead of one train of thought, here’s a couple sporadic ones:

·         Today my friend bought my lunch.  He picked up the ticket and I expected us to go to the counter and pay separately, but when I saw him signing the receipt, he had paid for both our meals.  I was truly touched and thankful.  I didn’t know there are guys who still do that for their girl friends.  It really reminded me of something my dad would do.  He never lets women pay, and normally refuses to let his friends pay.  Money comes, and money goes, I’ve realized, and if you can give, it always makes someone’s day better.  So thank You, God, for showing me men can still be gentlemen.

·         I’ve almost finished reading A Cross Shaped Gospel.  I’ve really enjoyed it.  I find myself nodding my head in agreement to every chapter.  I’ve been down those paths…liberal churches and racism and classism.  I thought I was crazy to think some of the things I’ve thought, but there was reassurance in this book.  There’s also been some conviction about other topics.

·         Communion and unreconciled relationships.  I still cannot forgive my ex.  After almost a year after its end, his actions still haunt me.  I’ve heard Bryan say it before, “Don’t come to the table if you have unreconciled relationships…” and he states it again in his book.  Ugh.  God, really?  I hear Your voice telling me to not take communion again until I’ve forgiven him.  I’m scared, because I don’t know what it would take.  But part of me thinks if I had a reason—a tangible reason—to move on, maybe I could.  So I’m considering not taking communion until my heart is in a better place.  I don’t like having this disdain in my heart.

·         First impressions.  Rick Warren tweeted this: 1st impressions are often WRONG since they're based on past experience, your current mood, the surrounding, or appearance.  That being said, I feel like I give terrible first impressions, especially in group settings and especially with girls.  I’ve never had a group of girl friends before—why would I if I’ve always been boo’d up?  So now I have to redevelop myself.  I just pray that the new friends in my life have so much grace for me.  My story is so counter-culture.  Who I am is so counter-culture.  I’m socially awkward in every way.

·         Breakfast and Mexican food.  My two favorite loves.  I could eat just these two types of food the rest of my life and be happy.

·         Anniversary-ish. It’s been a little over a year since I was saved.  Thank You, God, for capturing my heart!