I’m sitting here crying, because I think of things you
said.
I’m sitting here crying, because you moved on like I
meant nothing.
I’m sitting here crying, because I can’t forgive.
God, I so desperately want to forgive. Take these hurts from me. Take this pain from my heart. I’m tired of crying over all this hurt. All these years of pain—take this cup from me!
Please help me heal, because I don’t want this pain to
destroy me.
__________________________________________________________________________
I want to forgive
you because...like me, you had been picked on all your life. Like me, you were hurt. Your height, the shape of your head, you were
just as much of an outcast as I was. And
so were your friends. You were never
cool. Neither were they. And as juniors, y'all had to stoop as low as belittling
freshman girls to boost your ego. I knew
about your lives and looking back I see how empty they were. We were young, had no idea what we were
doing, and fought for survival. I want
to forgive you because you're not what love is for me anymore. I will never go through what I went through
while I was with you with anyone else. I
have grown from that experience. I
honestly hope you have, too. I want to
forgive you because it's been 10 years of un-reconciled pain and it's time to
let go. Now that I have God in my life
and know what love is, I know you're not it, you were never it, and you're just
an illusion in the desert that served to parch and teach me. You are not what God intended for me for my
forever.
I want to forgive
you because...you were as confused and as lonely as I was. You knew something was wrong, and while there
was a piece of you that wanted just to shut up and date me, you couldn't. You just couldn't find an easy way to get out
of it. I forgive you, because I know what
fear feels like. I know what it's like
to be trapped. You did the best you
could, and you did what was right for you, which inevitably was what was right
for me. You weren't on track with God
then, and it is my deepest prayer that you are at a church with a community
with whom you can fellowship. I hope you
haven't lost your fire. I want to
forgive you, because we were both lost.
You are not what God intended for me for my forever.
I want to forgive
you because...you are just as screwed up as me when it comes to sex. We both sought validation and instant
gratification from our interaction.
Really, I'm mad at myself for letting you treat me that way. I can't forgive you, because I couldn't
forgive myself. I want to forgive you,
because I knew better. I could've
stopped. It all could've been
avoided. I want to forgive you because
you know what it is to hurt like me. You
know what it's like to hide out of fear of people knowing who you are. I want to forgive you, because we all make
mistakes—terrible ones—even when our mind strongly tells us differently, our
flesh is too powerful. I want to forgive
you, because I want to be able to pray for your marriage to be a happy, healthy
one where the love of God thrives.
Mostly, I want to apologize, and I want to forgive you because you are
not what God intended for me for my forever, and I should've never expected you
to fill that space.
I want to forgive
you because...I know your heart. I
know there is a terrible hurt somewhere inside of you that is driving you to
overcompensate. Instead of relying on
the love of Christ to save you, you are trying to redeem yourself. I want to forgive you, because I know that
pain. I know the pain of trying to take
control of everything in order to fix my life.
I want to be able to pray for you, for your wellness, for your walk. I want to be able to forgive you, because I
know your actions are out of hurt and self-preservation. God never intended you to be my forever and I
need to let you go, because everything you did to me was out of a hurt in your
heart that had nothing to do with me or who I was.
I want to forgive
you because...I thank God for you.
For it is because of you that I know true love exists. You showed me I could love again and be
better and love better. You showed me
what having a best friend meant. You
showed me what happiness could feel like.
I thank God for the time we had together, both good and bad. And as scared as you are, I'm scared,
too. You are not who God intended for me
for my forever. I want to pray for your
happiness and salvation and growth. I
want to pray for your future wife, that you'll love, protect, honor, and serve
her. I want to forgive you, because I
love you.
I want to forgive
you because...my worth is in God. I
sought out in you what I should be seeking in God. And it was not your responsibility to provide
that. I want to forgive you, because I
know our flesh is weak. I know what it's
like to be lonely. I want to forgive
you, because I love you as a brother. As
a child of God. I do not want to label
you as anything other than a child of God.
You are not what God intended for my forever, and I pray for both of us,
that our walks will reflect purity and steadfast love.
