Day 16

I’m sitting here crying, because I saw your picture.

I’m sitting here crying, because I think of things you said.

I’m sitting here crying, because you moved on like I meant nothing.

I’m sitting here crying, because I can’t forgive.

God, I so desperately want to forgive.  Take these hurts from me.  Take this pain from my heart.  I’m tired of crying over all this hurt.  All these years of pain—take this cup from me!

Please help me heal, because I don’t want this pain to destroy me.

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One

I want to forgive you because...like me, you had been picked on all your life.  Like me, you were hurt.  Your height, the shape of your head, you were just as much of an outcast as I was.  And so were your friends.  You were never cool.  Neither were they.  And as juniors, y'all had to stoop as low as belittling freshman girls to boost your ego.  I knew about your lives and looking back I see how empty they were.  We were young, had no idea what we were doing, and fought for survival.  I want to forgive you because you're not what love is for me anymore.  I will never go through what I went through while I was with you with anyone else.  I have grown from that experience.  I honestly hope you have, too.  I want to forgive you because it's been 10 years of un-reconciled pain and it's time to let go.  Now that I have God in my life and know what love is, I know you're not it, you were never it, and you're just an illusion in the desert that served to parch and teach me.  You are not what God intended for me for my forever.

Two

I want to forgive you because...you were as confused and as lonely as I was.  You knew something was wrong, and while there was a piece of you that wanted just to shut up and date me, you couldn't.  You just couldn't find an easy way to get out of it.  I forgive you, because I know what fear feels like.  I know what it's like to be trapped.  You did the best you could, and you did what was right for you, which inevitably was what was right for me.  You weren't on track with God then, and it is my deepest prayer that you are at a church with a community with whom you can fellowship.  I hope you haven't lost your fire.  I want to forgive you, because we were both lost.  You are not what God intended for me for my forever.

Three

I want to forgive you because...you are just as screwed up as me when it comes to sex.  We both sought validation and instant gratification from our interaction.  Really, I'm mad at myself for letting you treat me that way.  I can't forgive you, because I couldn't forgive myself.  I want to forgive you, because I knew better.  I could've stopped.  It all could've been avoided.  I want to forgive you because you know what it is to hurt like me.  You know what it's like to hide out of fear of people knowing who you are.  I want to forgive you, because we all make mistakes—terrible ones—even when our mind strongly tells us differently, our flesh is too powerful.  I want to forgive you, because I want to be able to pray for your marriage to be a happy, healthy one where the love of God thrives.  Mostly, I want to apologize, and I want to forgive you because you are not what God intended for me for my forever, and I should've never expected you to fill that space.

Four

I want to forgive you because...I know your heart.  I know there is a terrible hurt somewhere inside of you that is driving you to overcompensate.  Instead of relying on the love of Christ to save you, you are trying to redeem yourself.  I want to forgive you, because I know that pain.  I know the pain of trying to take control of everything in order to fix my life.  I want to be able to pray for you, for your wellness, for your walk.  I want to be able to forgive you, because I know your actions are out of hurt and self-preservation.  God never intended you to be my forever and I need to let you go, because everything you did to me was out of a hurt in your heart that had nothing to do with me or who I was.

Five

I want to forgive you because...I thank God for you.  For it is because of you that I know true love exists.  You showed me I could love again and be better and love better.  You showed me what having a best friend meant.  You showed me what happiness could feel like.  I thank God for the time we had together, both good and bad.  And as scared as you are, I'm scared, too.  You are not who God intended for me for my forever.  I want to pray for your happiness and salvation and growth.  I want to pray for your future wife, that you'll love, protect, honor, and serve her.  I want to forgive you, because I love you.

Six

I want to forgive you because...my worth is in God.  I sought out in you what I should be seeking in God.  And it was not your responsibility to provide that.  I want to forgive you, because I know our flesh is weak.  I know what it's like to be lonely.  I want to forgive you, because I love you as a brother.  As a child of God.  I do not want to label you as anything other than a child of God.  You are not what God intended for my forever, and I pray for both of us, that our walks will reflect purity and steadfast love.