Day 87

I, I love you like a love song, baby

I, I love you like a love song, baby

I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hittin' re-pe-pe-pe-pe-peat

Like a Love Song, Selena Gomez

So here’s the thing.

I don’t care about the ring.  I care about who’s putting it on my finger.

And I don’t care about the wedding.  I care about who’s standing at the end of the aisle with me.

And I don’t care about a grand house.  I care about having a home.

Everyone has different preferences.  Many girls have an idea of what they want.  A man who can afford a large diamond.  A man who can afford a large house.  A wedding comparable to Kim Kardashian’s.

Well, all of that is nice.  It just isn’t me.

What I want is someone who loves me when the money is gone.  What I want is someone whose love grows deeper even still after our wedding day.  What I want is someone who, when we’re too old and grey to maintain the house, loves me and the life we lived together.

It’s not the money the man makes.  It’s not the mansion he can buy.  It’s not the glamour of the wedding.

The man I love will be the man whose heart connects with mine beyond the worldly wants.

This ring?  My grandmother wore it every day of her life.  No diamonds.  But an inscription that lives on even after both hearts have passed on.

Love.

Take the ring.  Take the money.  Take the house.

Give me true love, a heart for God, and I’ll never ask for more.

Day 86

All men want is sex.

He’s a man, he only wants one thing.

The way to a man’s heart is through his pants.

Women have strong convictions about the male population, and we could go on and on and on about men and what’s wrong with them.

But tonight, I’m talking to us girls.

We can point fingers at men and blame them for who we believe them to be, or we can be first to take responsibility for what we have become.  Women ache to be loved.  We yearn to be known intimately.  And when this is left unfulfilled, we fill this void with what feels like the next best thing.

Sex.

Men look at us.  Men objectify us.  And we want it.  We ask for them to do it, because if it remotely feels like love—or even if we just feel like it could lead to it—we want that.

Resigning to our culture, to mask the desire for love, we embrace being sexual.  We use sex appeal to draw men in, and we use sex to suffice as a carbon copy of what we really want.  Andy Stanley says this:

If in your dating you get in the habit of being treated like a commodity, guess what's going to happen when you're married?  Your husband's going to do the same thing.  If he dated you like a commodity, he's going to treat you like a commodity.  You should have no tolerance for being treated like a commodity—none at all...and ladies, just a little tip from the world of fishing.  Do you know how a fisherman determines what to bait his hook with? What he's fishing for.  If you fish with your body, you're going to catch body snatchers.  Every.  Single.  Time!  And this is what you're going to say, 'All men are alike, all men are alike.'  And I'm going to tell you now what I tell young ladies when they tell me that, I say, 'No, not all men are alike, all the men YOU date are alike.'  Let's take the last ten guys you've dated, and let's look at those.  There was him and you, him and you, him and you, him and you, him and you...what is the common denominator on all those dates?  That would be you!  You are so much more than a body.  Save the body for later.

Do you really want a man who only keeps you because of the sex?

Do you really want a man whose “love” is invested in your looks?

What happens when he finds someone more beautiful?  What happens when another sexually provocative woman evokes him?  Then where do you stand?

Instead, don't you desire to be loved for who you are at your core?  And not a performance?  Not for a high?  But to be deeply and intimately loved?

We use sex to get love, but sex doesn’t get us love.  Sex takes from us the ability to love and instead fills us with a selfish desire, whether you’re concerned about satisfying your partner—which is a selfish act in trying to keep them wanting you—or whether you’re trying to fulfill yourself.

God made women to be relational, and because of this at the core of every woman is the desire to be loved.  And it’s a lie we believe that something is better than nothing.

Something is not better than nothing if you get that something by way of sex.  Because eventually, that something is bound to vanish, leaving you with nothing anyway.

And in the end we feel emptier than when we first began, and the search continues for the next high.  And when that high is over, we’ve created this cycle, where we rise higher, then fall deeper, and it keeps going—our lives driven by the desire to just be loved.

Let us protect our hearts by protecting our bodies.  A man will love you for more than just what is underneath your clothes.  And he will honor you.

But not before you honor yourself.

You need a sexual budget, you need a body budget.  You need to decide ahead of time what will I not do and what will I spend and not spend with my body when it comes to relationships.  You need to pre-decide, and when the temptation comes along, you say, 'I already decided that I don't do that, I don't go there...I don't spend the night, I don't sleep over.  I pre-decided.  And as big a sacrifice as that might feel like now...giving up something now for something better later, it's not a sacrifice...it's a what?  Listen, single people, when you decide to set sexual and moral standards, every time you apply those standards, you are investing in a future relationship.  Every single time you say no, you're saying yes.  Every time you feel like you're making a sacrifice, you're making an investment.  In whose future?  Your future.—Andy Stanley

Men: Listen to the second sermon – The Gentleman’s Code.

Women: Listen to the third sermon – Designer Sex.

Day 85

We're all creatures of habit, right?

I know I am, because since I've been attending Fellowship Memphis I've only been sitting to the right, always in the middle.

It was a few weeks ago I noticed my friend Roz at the front, completely branching out.  It was around that same time, Lindsay and I followed Faith—hah, you like that?—to the front, just a mere two rows behind Roz.  And I've been sitting there ever since.

Sitting in front puts me in a deeply different state of mind.  Face to face with the pastor, less distraction—all that stuff.

But today I was able to experience something I absolutely loved.

A different worship leader led us today.  I didn’t really appreciate him like I should’ve at first.  I thought to myself his style was weird and his voice was too low and he would pull away from the mic too soon…

…and then I stopped complaining, and started listening.

In the front of that middle school autorium I stood, hands to my heart, face lifted to God, listening to the voices of those all around me.

Envision Horton when he hears all of Whoville singing.

Up front, you hear everyone’s voices.  And guess what?  There are no bad ones.  Everyone is blended with one another in a beautiful chorus rejoicing in God, loving Him.

As the worship leader quieted, and I hushed myself, I stood, in awe of the congregation, listening as one voice from many—a little American e pluribus unum—sang.

It was a beautiful moment.  And I’m thankful to God for letting me share in that.  I’m thankful for my friends for bringing me down to the front row.  And I’m thankful for the voices that made up a beautiful song in honor of our God.

Creatures of habit.

What joys do we miss out on when we stay steady in those habits?

Think about it.

Day 84

Today, for the second time in my life, I got a pedicure.

As I sat in my comfortable chair, water whirling around my toes, I observed the women around me.  Wives, young women, older women, moms, grandmothers, daughters—it was a comingling of every dynamic.  Every woman there wanting to be pampered, wanting to be just a little bit more beautiful.

It is all so foreign to me.

In a setting like this, I find myself always wishing that I had, had a better mom—‘better’ in the sense that I wish she had been the kind of mom who taught me how to be a girl.  A mom who told me what clothes are flattering, had opinions on make-up, could share beauty tips with me, wanted to go shopping together, would take me for my first mani-pedi, and would buy me my first heels—all the welcome-to-womanhood things.

But here I am at 26 just now learning how to be a girl.

The relationship between my mother and I has always been a difficult one.  There is so much resentment built upon my heart I wonder if I will ever move beyond it.

I took a shower earlier tonight, and the let the water run over me.  I looked at my feet, at my newly painted green nails, and somewhere in my thoughts decided when I go home I am going to take my mom to a nail salon.  I heard God saying this to me:

When you say ‘better’ you fail to realize your mom gave you her best.  She withheld nothing she had, and what you thought she didn’t do, she couldn’t do.  You look at your mom and realize that all those things for which you ache, maybe she possesses the same ache?  Did her mother love her?  Or did she grow up in a stern Japanese home?  Was she told she was beautiful?  Was she taken for manicures and pedicures?  Was she taught how to be a girl?  How could she teach you if she wasn’t taught herself?  How could she be anything else than the mother that she had?  You don’t realize how blessed you are.  You don’t realize all that I’ve given you.  Only now are you coming to understand My choices for you…the people I’m putting in your life now to help shape you and form you.  Do not be selfish with these lessons.  Do not withhold, but instead give your mother what she was never able to give you.  Love her like she was never able to love you.  The blind don’t lead those who can see.  Now that I am bestowing this vision unto you, do not take it for granted, and do not forget from where you came to be where you are now.

Purposeful, intentional love.  I am going to show my mom what it feels like to be a girl.  And now because Christ has given me these eyes to see, this heart to understand, so I will show my mom the love I longed for as a girl.  I will take these things I wanted from my mom and give them to her, because I’m coming back to love her with a new love.

There are a lot of things my mom never gave me, because she couldn’t.  But I can give her this, because now I can.  A small favor to some, but this is what I hope to be an illuminating act of love for our relationship as mother and daughter.

ACTION PLAN MOM:      A mother-daughter day being pampered and spoiled, and a lunch for just the two of us.

Day 83

Every day has its own challenges, accomplishments, joys and trials.  I am about a week away from my three-month mark and it is just now that my strength is a little...weak.

I miss flirting.  I miss the butterflies.  I miss someone reaching out to hold my hand.

But I also know those things will mean so much more when I step out of this challenge, free from the spirit of dependency and selfishness.  I know, as a sinner, I’ll battle selfishness forever, but I hope that my dependency will find itself in God’s hands alone and not on a man.  Until that point—until I can say, “God, I find my worth in You and You alone”—any dating I could or would do would only be damaging to both me and the other party.

A few weeks ago, I was asked some questions about the OYC.  I compiled a list of some that people have asked along the way.  These are great reminders for times like now, and my answers help remind me of what will come from this journey.  Here we go.

Three hundred and sixty-six days is a long time…what if someone asks you out?
In 2 months, no one has asked me out.  Which is unusual, because it went from being a daily occurrence—albeit from men twice my age—to nada, zip, zilch.  When I started this challenge I prayed that God would protect me, and He has done a great job of doing so, not only protecting me from random-come-ons, but giving me healthy doses of male friendship instead of unhealthy crushes.

What if you miss out on an opportunity?

God’s will is God’s will.  If He is to have me marry someone, my timeline doesn’t compute with His work.  I can’t change God’s will for my life, and there is plenty of reassurance in trusting that.

What if you start liking someone?

God has really opened my eyes to see how failed crushes and failed relationships pan out.  If you date someone and it doesn’t work out, you better be able to say goodbye to the life you had with them and their friends.  The idea of losing the male friendships I have developed has helped me keep my eye on November 6, 2012.  These friendships are so precious and I know God is teaching me so much through them that it’s not worth the risk of liking (and therefore losing) any of them.  God is protecting these relationships, and letting me enjoy this developmental time, because I know when I’m married, these opposite-sex friendships will not possess the same depth they do now.

Do you really expect to find the right guy after this?

My expectation is that I will be in a healthy place—a place with boundaries, standards, and direction.  I believe that I’m not going to settle for someone, and that I’m going to find someone who loves me for who I really am.  I expect that I will no longer change to please men, but instead have invested in such a healthy relationship with Christ that changes will be God-centered and not people-centered.

How do you expect your dating life to change after this?

Dating will no longer be an idol.  My self-worth will not be invested in men.  I will not date anyone just for the sake of having a warm body next to me.  As a woman, I will not pursue men, initiating a relationship, but I will give them encouragement to let them know where they stand with me.  My dating life will never be Jamie-centered again, or boy-centered, but God centered.  He’s going to guide my decisions, and I will know how to listen and be obedient to His will.

Day 82

Dear God,

I pray one day when I put on a white dress that it will be to meet someone at the end of the aisle who will love me unconditionally and for the rest of my life.

I pray that You give me someone who will love me, honor me, and protect me.  Most of all I pray that You give me someone who will never walk away.

Because walking away is the easiest thing to do, give me a fighter.

When I walk to him on that day, let us then walk together, toward You, and never away from one another.

Let me never give up.  Let him never throw in the towel.  Let us never walk away from You.

Thanks,
Jamie

Day 81

Tensions were high.

We were stressed, overwhelmed, and tired.

We snapped.

Well, I snapped first.  Then both of our attitudes went downhill.  Hurt people hurt people, and after everything we were going through, the last thing we needed was a fight.  The last thing we needed was to lose each other.  The last thing I needed was to hurt a friend.

And so I apologized.  I told her what hurt me.  And I asked her what hurt her.  Genuinely.

Friendship isn't based on the people you see the most.  Or the people that agree with you all the time.  Or how much you have in common.  Friendship is based on those who stick beside you when you're ugly.  When you're mean.  And when you're tired.  When you deserve a friend the least.  And true friendship gives grace.  She gave me grace today, and that is an act of love.

It was around noon that I left for lunch, the first one out.  (By the way, don't text and drive.  Not only is it illegal, it's illegible.)  And I asked her…

1:07 PM                u wantanythunv’?

1:07 PM                No thanks. I appreciate the offer

1:10 PM                You have a quality that will help your marriage last. Your willingness to fix situations will take you a long way.  Any man who gets the honor of marrying

1:10 PM                you will be so blessed.  You are a great person.

1:10 PM                Scratch great, wonderful

1:16 PM                That means a lot coming from you because I think the same of you. You are important to me and I love you.

1:25 PM                I love you more sister

She didn’t have to say any of that to me.  And yet, she did.  Upon grace, she gave me even more love.

Last night while listening to an Andy Stanley sermon, he said this:

"I'm not trying to be right...I'm trying to reconcile!"

How much better our relationships would be if we lowered our pride and let our concern for others rise.  How much better it would be if we let go of being right and set our hearts on being reconciled.  As difficult as it is to push that part of us down, reconciliation is worth it, because it gives us something our pride will never be able to…love.

Day 80

For the last two months, I’ve ridden the tracks of forgiveness.

On my OYC train, I determined early on it was forgiveness that was going to grow me.

But last night, as my friend and I delved into my past, it became obvious that forgiveness was not for what my heart was searching.  So what was it, this ache so deep, so unnerving?

Wheels turning, heart idle, I replayed scenes, emotions, and thoughts from my life at home in California.

Tempers birthed damaging words.  Infidelity ushered away intimacy.  Absence and neglect grew canyons of nonchalance and defensiveness.

The actions hurt.  But the underlying pain is not the actions themselves.  It is the message my heart received.

YOU ARE NOT LOVED.

The resounding ache of the pain is not the yelling or lying or indifference—though those things do hurt.  It is what they meant, what I saw them to mean.  As a daughter—as their daughter—I was not loved.

And I have spent my life searching for that love I never received.

It wasn’t until God swooped me into His arms, proclaiming, “I love you!” that my weary, destructive, sad search ended.  Only then did I feel loved.  Real love.

Real love.  Worldly love.  There is not even a balance on that scale.  Perfect love and imperfect love.

Somewhere God was whispering to my heart that an act of forgiveness would not heal the relationship with my parents.  Forgiveness implies there is someone to blame, and I don’t blame my parents.  Dominos in the line of Adam, we do not possess the ability to love perfectly, especially those of the world who have not heard the Gospel.

It wasn’t until I even knew the love of God that I could begin to love others.  How could I blame my family for living of the world when they were not shown any differently?  C.S. Lewis shares this in Mere Christianity:

“And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer.  If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.”

I took a wrong turn long, long ago on the road of love.  Being adopted into the family of Christ, my life has been reset.  Flying to California in February is in essence my opportunity to about-turn and try again with this new love in my heart.

I am not searching out love in my parents.  My heart is full in Christ.  And because my heart is full, I am free to love them, knowing that I’m not depending on them or their love or their inability to love.

Progressive love.  Purposeful love.  Intentional love.  I am no longer bound by my unlovedness, but overflowing in the love of Christ.

And I pray, dear God, that You help me intentionally love and honor my family.

“[Love] is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational.  And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better.”  The Love Dare, Stephen and Alex Kendrick

Day 79

Dear God,

Before I lay my head down tonight I want to tell You how much I love You.  I am so thankful for all You have done and all You have given me and all through which You have taken me.

Who would of thought that the journey and the destination could be one in the same?  You are my end, and You are always right beside me.  You have always been right beside me.

You heard my pleas as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult.  You heard my cry for love.  And You have given it to me.  You graced me with humanly love.

But greater than that, You gave me You.  You gave me the Holy Spirit to lead me and You gave me Your love, Your blood, Your Son.  You gave up everything, and You took everything from me.  All the bad, all that I thought was good and You replaced it with You.  You broke down my heart and You are rebuilding it.  Piece by piece, I feel Your hands molding me.  I hear Your voice changing me.  I see Your vision for my life.  The deepest, darkest, loneliest valleys cannot keep me from You.

If You were to take everything from me, I would still love You.  What You have given me, the joy that I've experienced here on earth, the joy I've experienced in You is just a taste of what being with You in Heaven will be like.  I will be with You, my Father, my Lover, my Redeemer.

You answer prayer after ungrateful prayer.  For a father who has not led, You give me men of Your Word who are showing me how to trust and love again in an honest, pure way.  For a childhood spent unloved, You've personally delivered those who love me now.  You keep showing me Your love, letting me sample Your greatness in Your human form.  Formed from Your image, I see You in so many of those around me.  Not idolizing them, but appreciating their hearts for You.  Not comparing myself to them, but loving them.

I used to think You were so selfish.  Praise, worship, revolve.  I used to laugh at You.  And now I see You. I see Your love.  Your grace.  And how You chose me, a sinner, an ugly, desperate sinner, and gave me life.  I suffered so that I see the greatness...the love...the redemption for what it is and for what it can be.  A love so strong, a healing so deep, a relationship so true...this is You.

You are forever my judge, and I am forever Your witness...I am Yours.  Do what You will with my life.  Rip me apart.  Rebuild me.  Carve me.  Develop me.  Hurt me.  Heal me.  Because I know that what You do is all for Your goodness, Your greatness, Your glory.  Let my heart be weighted down by Your love, always remembering Your sacrifice.  Let my choices, my voice resound in echoes of truth and love and kindness.  Let me always be conscious of those around me and how I can best glorify You.  Let my words be wise.  Let my heart be generous.  Let my hands be reaching.

Let my life be not about me.  Let my life be of You.

Let my life shine Your light.

Let me focus on Your will.

Let me not focus on me.

Let me know You so that I may share You.

Let me never forget all You have done.  Let me not forget what brought me here.  Let me be led by You, now and always.

Sin is great, but You are greater.

You are greater, my God, our God.  Our faithful, loving, sweet, sweet Father.

Day 78

Last night, I tried to drift off to sleep.  But I knew when the morning came I would be headed to church where I would receive this morning’s bulletin.

But not just any bulletin.

My bulletin with my words.

My heart started beating quicker as I walked in to the atrium today and it was handed to me.

And as I looked down, I saw my name.  By Jam Lin.

I sighed, a part of my heart sparked by seeing my words printed on something, and a part of me shrank back in humility.

Over the last few months I have received many compliments on my writing.  So many people have asked if I’ve ever pursued it.  Really?  Me?  Become a writer?  Noooooooo.  Wait?  Me?  Really?

And today Bryan spoke of Marguerite Johnson.  At a young age Marguerite was raped by her mother’s boyfriend, resulting in an experience so traumatizing that she refused to speak, becoming a mute.  She remained so for years until Bertha Flowers, an aristocrat and family friend, intentionally poured into her.  Marguerite would begin talking again years later, and in such a powerful way that we would only come to know her as Maya Angelou.

Maybe my Marguerite years are coming to an end.  Maybe one day I’ll be a famous writer, helping and encouraging hearts around the nation.

And maybe not.  Maybe I’ll remain unpublished.  But I’m finished being Marguerite.  Time to change the world.

Day 77

Everyone believes

In how they think it ought to be

Everyone believes

And they're not going easily

Belief is a beautiful armor

But makes for the heaviest sword

Like punching under water

You never can hit who you're trying for

Some need the exhibition

And some have to know they tried

It's the chemical weapon

For the war that's raging on inside

Everyone believes

From emptiness to everything

Everyone believes

And no ones going quietly

Belief, John Mayer
2006

Belief gives us responsibility.  Every day is a war, whether small or large, because a belief that you hold determines your entire mindset, which determines the actions that follow—or at least should.

The beliefs that shape my life:

Jesus died to save us.

God wants a relationship with us.

Children should be treasured.

Teenagers should be poured into.

Everyone should be given chances.

Love should be given freely.

Apologies should be given freely.

Generosity should be given freely.

Men should love the women they're with completely and faithfully.

Women should respect their husbands, and have passion for things outside of their marriage.

Prayer is important.

Quiet time is important.

Obedience is important.

Respect should be automatic.

Having friends of the same sex is really important for growth and support.

Joy is found in being producers, not consumers.

Material things do not equal love.

Day 76

I was retelling my story last night, and didn’t realize until Lauren mentioned it on her Twitter today that I was forgetting a very important part of it.

When I started searching for churches in December 2011, my first stop was Fellowship.  For a few Sundays.

And then came Christ City.

Christ City was a Godsend.  As the dust of my train-wreck-of-a-life settled, God led me there, where I may not have had the community I wanted, but The Word was more convicting than I had ever heard it.  And that’s what I appreciated, because that’s what I needed.

It was in this place, in the unlikely Minglewood Hall venue, that I felt God take my heart, reworking it in the sermons of Jonathan McIntosh, the pastor of Christ City.

The powerful, but simple songs of worship.  The passionate and grounded sermons.  The dire desire to reach out to the community.  The desperate need to be growing closer to God.  These were things I desperately needed in a church when my entire world was torn apart and I was left to find God on my own.  I had graduated from my previous stage, and God was, like, “Now you’re ready to be pounded, to be shaped.”

And that’s what He did.  I experienced Lent at Christ City and the sermons revolved around the authenticity of your love of Christ.

And man, did I question everything about myself.

I would argue that these sermons are what set my foundation for my new love of God, and put my feet on the right path.

There was the introduction in my life.  Then the loss, pushing me to move onto bigger things.  And here I am now, only steps from becoming a member of church and understanding the gospel more now than ever.

I spent several months at Christ City growing, and as it happened, it was when Tim Keller visited Memphis at Christ United Methodist that I thought of Fellowship again.  May 17, 2011 is when I heard Fellowship’s name on the roll call of churches that had helped fund Keller’s visit.  I was so excited to see Bryan that I took a picture of him as if he were a long lost friend.

It’s beautiful how God can use different churches for different experiences and life lessons.  I appreciate those experiences beyond words and can’t believe that I was so forgetful!  Thank You, God, for the pleasant reminder!  You gave me what I needed when I needed it.

Jonathan McIntosh Self Deceived 3/13/11

Jonathan McIntosh Love for Christ 3/20/11

Jonathan McIntosh Hatred for Sin 3/27/11

Jonathan McIntosh Love for Scripture 4/3/11

Jonathan McIntosh Love for Each Other 4/17/11

Jonathan McIntosh How the Resurrection Works 4/24/11

Day 75

Milestones, it’s important to recognize them.  Minor notes, it’s important to recognize them.

Today someone yelled at me even though it wasn’t my fault.  Today I stood silent, and let them yell.  I didn’t fight.  I tried to help.  The staying quiet part wasn’t difficult, because I’ve been quiet my entire life.  What stood out today was that after they left, my emotional state was intact.  I wasn’t upset with them.  I wasn’t berating myself for not doing more.  It was like it didn’t happen at all.  And normally I’m up in arms, defending myself, or worse, talking trash about them afterwards.  But today, nothing.  They walked on, and I moved on.  And it felt so good not to carry that baggage.

Met with a new friend for dinner today.  We laughed that it really was like a blind date.  And I don’t know if was her or just that I’m growing more comfortable with myself, but I wasn’t as anxious as I’ve been meeting new people.  Considering the last three months have consisted of nothing but new faces, maybe I’ve reached this point where I’m okay.  Instead of thinking everyone is going to run screaming from me, I’m becoming more comfortable with myself.  I’ve also learned that I am different in group settings and one-on-one settings.  I have fun at both, but there’s definitely more intimacy one-on-one.  And instead of concentrating on, “Will they like me?” I’m focused on them and intentionally trying to get to know them.

This is what I needed.  I needed someone to look at me and say, “Yes.”  I needed encouragement.  For once, it was nice not to hear, “God has a beautiful plan for your life, man or not,” and instead, “Yes, there will be someone for you.  Are you kidding me?”  Every girl needs to hear that once in a while.  And while, yes, God’s plan for me will be great either way, it’s encouraging to hear that reassurance in another’s voice.

One of the things I learned from my father was that it’s nice to pay for meals.  I remember growing up and he and his best friend would argue over the ticket, and dad would normally win.  At a certain age, paying dutch became the usual, and it hasn’t come back to me until this point in life that sometimes it’s nice and honoring to treat a friend to dinner.  It doesn’t always happen, but when I can, I can.  I think this was recently reignited in me when my longtime guy friend and I hung out at lunch, and he stole the ticket.  He said to me, he was “taught to always be prepared to buy the other’s person lunch.”  Not that he always has to, but when he can, it’s a nice, forgotten gesture of appreciation.  It says, “Time is valuable and I appreciated you spending some of it with me tonight.”  It means so much to me when friends do this.  I love being able to do it for other people—ahem, people who won’t take advantage of it.

I am so lucky to have such wonderful dogs.  After dating non-stop for the last four years that I’ve had them, these first two months have been spent pretty much reconnecting to them.  Mommy to doggies.  Paris cuddles me when I cry.  Cheeyo gives me a hug every day after work.  And they both sleep with me at night and wake me up in the morning.  Granted, they’re pains sometimes—Cheeyo just tried to drink my Almay mascara—but I really love them and love being able to spend time with them.

Twenty-seven days until Stockton.  Geared up.  Ready to go.   Ready to see everyone.  Let’s go!  ‘Cause I'm feeling like I’m running and I'm feeling like I gotta get away, get away, get away, better know that I don't and I won't ever stop ‘cause you know I gotta win every day, day.  See they really, really wanna pop me, just know that you will never flop me, and I know that I can be a little cocky…you ain't never gonna stop me.

Our waiter at the restaurant today asked me if I was something else.  I forgot how he asked it, but he was very nice about it.  I told him about my mom, and he said, “Aaaaah, I could kind of tell.  I could see it.”  We got onto the topic of age, and I told him he didn’t look his age, and he said, “It’s the Asian in me.”  I laughed and said, “Oh, good, then I still stand a chance!”  I’m always tickled when people ask me if I’m something besides white.  Mostly they say Hispanic, but I was flattered when an Asian recognized the Asian in me!  Maybe I’ll look more Japanese the older I get…hmmm.  Thanks, Grandma!

Day 74

Resign  [ree-sahyn]  abandon, abdicate, bail out, bow out, capitulate, cease work, cede, demit, divorce oneself from, drop, drop out, end service, fold, forgo, forsake, give notice, give up the ship, hand in resignation, hand over, hang it up, leave, quit, relinquish, renounce, retire, secede, separate oneself from, sign off, stand aside, stand down, step down, surrender, terminate, throw in the towel, turn over, vacate, waive, walk out, wash hands of, yield

Thesaurus.com.  All these verbs?  This is exactly what you WILL NOT do to your commitment.  REPEAT.

Need to hear it again?  REPEAT:

9:51 PM:              If we knew someone would be waiting for us at the end of this challenge, it wouldn’t be a challenge at all.

9:51 PM:              We are putting everything on the line, and we have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

9:52 PM:              We are honoring God, and our hearts, by giving up what is most important to us.  No safety nets, no seatbelts, no promises except that God is going to make us

9:53 PM:              stronger, and better.  If someone were promised at the end of the rainbow, there’d be no change at all.

9:54 PM:              I love you and this hurt from our past and the loneliness of our present is growing us for our future.  Our future with Him.  Our present hearts ache, but we will be healed, whole, and feel more love than we thought possible.

9:55 PM:              Keep going, keep persevering, keep moving, because we’re moving toward ‘better’ and leaving ‘bad’ in the dust!

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you (John 14:26).

Remember ALL the reasons you’re doing this.  Take a good look at your ex-boyfriends.  Take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror.  And then take a good, long, moment to gaze into the core of your heart and see God’s will for you in there.  Remember why you stepped into this challenge, and determine why you’re not walking away.

Day 73

Some things in life are more faithful than others.

Like these Chuck Taylors.

Rockin' since 2002.

Reliable.  Steadfast.  Yeah.  Some things in life are more faithful and longstanding than others.  But just like Chuck, I'm faithful to my mission.

Seventy-three days down, and 293 to go!

Deuteronomy 28:1-6

Day 72

I don’t have many fond memories of my life in Stockton, California, but its melting pot of culture gave me an invaluable appreciation for racial differences.

Cambodian, Vietnamese, black, Hispanic, Laos, white, Thai, Taiwanese, Filipino—I was among so many other ethnicities I wouldn’t be able to name them all.

I never knew anything different until I moved to Memphis.

It was only a year after living here that I personally experienced racism.  A white girl dating a black guy in the south is not received well.  A black guy dating a white girl is not received well either—racism from both ends.  It was a sad, but meaningful experience.  It taught me so much, and ignited a passion for racial integration that I had never before felt.

I love Memphis, and it’s a great city, and God has called me here for many reasons.  We’ve come a long way, but we’ve got so much further to go.  I’ve got so much further to go.

This weekend, I was reminded that racism isn’t confined to black and white.  Bryan said, “Racism is universal, because pride is universal.”

What do you really think or express in your safest moments?  What is your reaction when someone of another race cuts you off in traffic?  Do you assume the worst of the other ethnicity?  What is your reaction while you’re standing at the ATM and someone of another race waits behind you?  Is there service without brotherhood? You may serve your community, but who do you invite to sit personally at your dinner table?

We all possess some sort of racism in our hearts.  And I think as we move forward, and as I move forward in my OYC, it is important to intentionally love others.  I want to fight the battles within my heart, and I never want to say, through words or actions, that “my whiteness is more important than my Christness.”  Racism is the failure to understand and live out the Gospel.  We are called to love all—not just those who look like us, dress like us, or live like us.

I want to be intentional, because my God is intentional.  I used to say I don’t see color, which may be a very well-intentioned statement, but God didn’t create us blindly.  “He didn’t pull a Stevie Wonder,” Bryan laughed in this weekend’s sermon.  Instead He was very intentional in creating us, purposely making us to be different.

I am so thankful for all those who have fought and strained and pursued equality.  If not for them, I wouldn’t have my cousins.  If not for them, I wouldn’t have my friends.  If not for them, I wouldn’t have my church.  If not for them, I wouldn’t be here.  Happy birthday, Dr. King!  You've taught the world not to stand idle, but to be passionate and intentional.

Find a cause worth fighting for and don't sit on the sidelines.

“I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality...I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.

Day 71

As the shine of the lights from the lamp posts on the dark street cascaded across my eyes, I thought to myself, this is a beautiful beginning...

...just as every moment is a new beginning, rich with hope and the unknown.

Day 70

“Mommy, I got it this time!”

I tried to hand her my little scrap of paper, scribbled on it my hopes of retrieving my father.  At that young age, I knew a license plate was traceable, but I didn’t understand how it wouldn’t help me here.

My mother looked at me with sad eyes, hugged me, and walked away.  My scrap—my effort, and my only hope—fell to the ground.

The memories I have of my childhood are scattered on a scale between sadness and anger, happy moments flittering few and far in between on the painful spectrum.

My brother and I ended many of our nights listening to the shouts, screams and wails of our parents.  Peace only came when my father would peel out of the driveway and disappear down the midnight street in a haze of grief and anger.

Sometimes he’d only be gone an hour, but other times he could have been gone as long as a day.  I remember lying in bed, painfully waiting for the sound of a car passing on the street.  Each time he left, I wondered if he would ever come back.  Eventually he would, but his return only left me wondering when he would leave again.

This question has carried itself over beyond the pains of my family, translating into every relationship.  That piece of my subdued heart always wondering, “When will he leave?”

One response [to abandonment] is an inordinate sense of attachment to anybody who’s breathing, who will tell me that I’m okay and will include me and connect to me.  And you can see people roaming around, they got their antenna up and they walk up and it’s like, ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ but really what they want to say is, “Do you think I’m okay? Do you value me?  Will you accept me?’  And you feel it, and, if you do say, ‘Yes, I value you and accept you, it is like a whoop-whamo-joined-together, and all of a sudden it’s like every moment, every day they’re calling, they’re e-mailing, they’re not going anywhere, and they are joined at the hip to you and you’re like, ‘What happened to you?  I was just trying to be nice to you and it’s like, whoa, we’re inseparable now, what’s the deal with that?’ And inside for them it’s an issue of being abandoned and searching out through their life, ‘Somebody say to me that you’re going to stick with me!’”—Louie Giglio, Passion City Church

This is exactly who I was, and when ‘he’ didn’t stick with me—when he left, the pangs of abandonment in my heart would be reinforced.  And so every relationship I tried a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more because I thought if I was just enough, he wouldn’t leave.

There’s a reason none of my relationships have worked.  It’s because my goal hasn’t been God’s goal.  Andy Stanley of North Point Community Church says this:

You need to address your unresolved childhood issues...if you attempt to build intimacy with a person before you've done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be an attempt to complete the hole in your heart...all of your relationships will feel like they have a hole in them. 

Do you know how much pressure that is on a man to fill that hole in my heart?  Do you know how pressure that is on me to keep him there?  I’ve been trying to fill a hole that can’t be filled by anything in this world.

Andy gave us this diagram to show us just how much a troubled parental past sabotages romantic relationships:

“If you have any leftover angst with momma and daddy,

your spouse catches it.” Andy Stanley

“Don't drag unnecessary angst into future relationships, deal with it now,” he says.

This is the next step on my ladder.  I am going to deal with the past so that in my future I can fully love the man who God sends to me.  I want us to have fights about toothpastes and toiletpaper, not past hurts that have nothing to do with him.

Now’s the time, God.  And with 296 days to go, I have plenty of it.

Day 69

Enjoying the now.

Because when we're all married, when will we ever have time to share conversations at 1 in the morning?

We won't.

So I'm enjoying it now.

Posted 1/14/2012 @ 2:03 AM

Day 68

Today was a good day.  I prayed for it to be…and God answered in more ways than one.

• I enjoyed a long morning before work.
• A friend sent me an encouraging text message as I was driving to work.
• I was happy to have my coworker at work.
• Customers were nicer than yesterday.
• My friend bought me a Ring Pop :)
• Came home to a nice warm shower.
• Played with the pups.
• Saw Lauren and ate the best sandwich and drank the best green tea ever.
• Ending the night feeling relaxed and happy.

God has been sending me little I-love-you’s at every turn by way of wonderful people.  What else has been going on this week?

Death – Still really on my mind, but after talking to Lauren tonight, my heart is a little more at ease.  I feel like my thoughts were driving me crazy, and I am so thankful for her listening ear and prayerful heart and compassionate words.  Until that day comes, I will spend my days in Him.

Family – February is ticking a little bit closer each day.  I’m nervous to come home.  I am so thankful for the friends and influences that I have in my life who have similar walks.  Not everyone comes from a saved family and as the time draws near for me to see them again, my fear is that our contrast will be so great—too great.  I have to give this God and trust in Him completely, no matter what happens.  I love my family so, so, so much.  And I love Him.  And all things work together in His perfect plan.

Brothers – Ever since I became a Christian my heart has been searching for brothers.  I want men in my life who protect me, honor me, and above all love the God they serve.  Fellowship is responsible for the men in my life who I can look to as God-fearing examples.  And as friendships grow, I grow more thankful for their presence in my life.

Reading – I love reading.  I wish I had more time for it.  I have so many amazing books that I want to sink my teeth into.  Right now, I’m getting through C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity.  Now, I’m only in the beginning chapters, but I wonder if I would’ve appreciated this book earlier in my Christian walk when I was on the brink of accepting Christ.  I’m sticking with it, but just ordered The Screwtape Letters off Amazon.  That is one I’m really excited about.

Roommates – Lindsay moved out on Tuesday, and I miss her.  Between her and Micaela somehow my heart was changed.  I went from wanting to live alone to desperately wishing I had a two bedroom apartment.  It’s too quiet around here now.  And I will always love my doggies, but there’s nothing like human companionship.

Praying – Months ago I used to have my prayer request time, where I would pray for people in my life.  Strangers, friends, family, I would devote time solely to them.  Over the last month I’ve been a little Jamie-centered, and as of Monday I got into the swing of things again and started praying for others.  It gave me so much peace, and I felt like I was able to love them even if we were far apart or hadn’t seen each other in a while.

Messages – When I’ve been feeling low God has blessed me with some really wonderful people.  At different times throughout the week people have sent me messages through Facebook and texts that, without them maybe even meaning to, have encouraged me and reminded me that I’m loved.  Encouragement is like water to a dying man in the desert.  And, man, sometimes it’s the only thing keeping me going.

Day 67

Men’s courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which,

if persevered in, they must lead.  But if the courses

be departed from, the ends will change.

—Scrooge, A Christmas Carol

Three years ago today I slept with someone on the first date.

Two years ago I spent the evening with him at a fancy Italian restaurant, fighting over another girl.

One year ago I curled up in the corner of the break room at work, crying, demolished from his phlegmatic goodbye.  And today, he is two weeks away from celebrating his first anniversary with another girl.

Two years of our lives entwined and he was over me in a month’s time.

What was I worth to him?  Nothing.

What was I worth to myself?  Nothing.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

I look back at pictures and see a girl who wanted to love and be loved so badly.  I see the sadness in her eyes, the confusion, and the expectations that were never met. 

Who was I?  I was the girl on the verge of coming to God.  And He took that relationship and used it as a Christmas Carol of sorts, compacting my life—past, present, future—and showed me the expanse, a life that would hang in the shadows without Him..

My past was crowded with men and screams of a broken family filled my ears.  Reliance on others for happiness left me in a perpetual state of sadness and disappointment.  My present reveals chaos, living in the in-between.  Living outwardly as a Christian and inwardly of the world.  Lost and confused, looking for a light, but only one that would light the path I wanted to walk down.  My future would be filled with dishonoring fights, God’s love absent from every turn.  Being hidden and unloved, searching desperately for love in all the wrong places.

“I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out the lessons that they teach,” Charles Dickens writes for Scrooge.  Now I have a different present, and a different future.  The lessons He taught me are precious.  And I will always hold those pieces of my past in my heart, honoring what brought me to Him, because…

Three years ago, I didn’t know God.

Two years ago, I fought against God.

One year ago, I had nothing but God.

Today, my was, my is, my yet to come is vested no longer in him, but in Him.  And this is the happiest anniversary yet.

Day 66

Meet Caden.

He’s my imaginary son.  Yes, that’s right.  Imaginary.  Guys have fantasy football.  I have Caden.

Now, before you judge me, please understand that my coworkers and I are as goofy as they come.  So when one of them, a mother of a handsome 2 year old, received thisad, it seemed only natural for me to steal it.

Both of my coworkers have children.  And I get to experience the love of fiercely dedicated, loving mothers daily.

So for a day I pretended to be a mom.  And it was fun to play pretend.  Pretending is about all I can do, because, one, I'm not having children anytime soon, and, two, I have no experience with kids at all, whatsoever.

I’ve only recently had an opportunity to try out my maternal instincts and that came with the kids’ ministry at church.

On Christmas, I babysat infants, who stole my heart, but I felt completely useless around when they started crying.  When I sat with the five year olds on the Sunday after New Year’s, I didn’t feel quite as smitten until I felt a tug on my hand.

A beautiful little girl hugged my leg.

“I want my mommy.”

We were about an hour away from any mommies being seen.

“She’ll be here soon, sweetie,” I fibbed.

And with that, I sat down on the little stool, fully expecting her to walk away and sit on the mat with the other kids.

But instead she moved toward my lap, and when I picked her up, she nestled into my arms.

Smitten.  Completely.

I can’t honestly say at this point that I feel like God has plans for my body to have children.  But I do feel like there will be little ones somewhere in my future to love.  I’m just not sure in what capacity.  Maybe an adopted baby, maybe a neighbor’s kids, maybe a godmother…I don’t know.  I may not have a Caden now, but one day…maybe.

Day 65

I don’t have much to write tonight.

My mind is in several different places, so whatever I write will not be fluid.

Anxiety has covered me like a deep blanket this last month.  The enemy, transitioning with me and adjusting to my accomplishments, has focused on stress.  Perfect for him.  The little things have stressed me out to the max—so much that I avoided a social life during December.  I think I just now realized what was going on, and have started to pray about a peace from God about the goings-on in my life.

The idea of discipleship made itself a place in my heart immediately when I started learning about Christ.  I don’t think I always understood it and as I deepen in my walk, I am more determined than ever to get to that place where I can disciple others.  God is starting to provide opportunities, and, to add to my stress, I don’t think I’m ready.  I’m wobbling on my new Christian legs, not ready to walk.  But I guess He’s pushing me out of the nest and I have to learn to fly.

#prioritize

Tough decisions are ahead.  Commitments I’ve made are being tested.  Friendships I’ve made are being tested.  What I want to do and what I've made a commitment to do are what I am facing right now.  I’m going to miss out on some things, but I am determined to prioritize and stay committed and not let the promises I’ve made to myself or God or others waiver.  That can be a heavy load to bear for a baby Christian who feels lost…but God, be my strength.

Anxiety from these commitments and desire to disciple has led me to realize that something I am completely terrified of is my trip home to California.  Every day it’s sounding less like a vacation and more of a mission trip.  A mission trip.  Am I ready to go back?  Am I strong enough?  It’s more than a month away and every day I wake up with a heavy heart.  When I say I’m terrified, I’m tormented.

With everything on my plate, I fasted today.  The last time I fasted was almost a year ago.  Today I woke up, determined.  Over the course of the last week I’ve felt a prick in my heart each time someone mentioned the word ‘fast.’  I struggled today, but not as much as I could have.  I started slow, only fasting from sun up to sun down, drinking water.  When I felt hunger pains, I focused on God and prayed.  I spent my lunch hour in prayer, writing down every thought that came to mind.

God, please just guide me.  I know I need to trust You, and I know this anxiety is saying that I don’t.  Please take this fear from me, comfort me, and let me know that You’re leading me.  Let me be led by You.  Let me shine Your light.  Take me completely out of it, and let Your will be the only thing that guides me.  Let me be loving, and tender, and unafraid.  Courageous.  I need courage.  Be my lantern, my hope, my guide, my unyielding director.  Take me further on my walk with You, and give me an insatiable appetite for You, Your word, and Your Son.  Let me never give up hope.  Let me never be defeated.  Let my struggles be only as grave as the light You give me.  You are my reward.  You are my love.  You are my God.