Day 287

·   God can take every single, separated prayer and answer them all in one fell swoop.  “I want to get up early enough to pray.”  “I want a roommate.”  “I don’t want to move out of this apartment.”  “I want to help women of the world.”  “I miss my best friend.”  “Please give me something I’m passionate about.”  “How can I even think of being a wife if I can’t even be a friend?”  “Would I be a good wife?”  “Will I be a good mother?”  “Am I going to help anyone?”  “I wish I could keep my apartment clean.”  “I wish I had accountability.”  “I wonder if I’ll be a mom.”  Some of those aren’t even prayers.  Just questions.  And it’s amazing to me how God orchestrates everything—something two months ago is connected to something of today, and He did that!  He planned it out so that I would see why it happened as it happened.  He orchestrates everything down to the most minute detail, and realizing that I just feel an overwhelming sensation of gratitude.

·   Tonight was the gathering for the East Outpost.  I was terrified.  And I was lost.  I spent 15 minutes trying to find the country club.  When I finally found it, I walked into the pool area like it was the first day of kindergarten.  And then I started recognizing people.  And then I started meeting new people.  And stories began being shared.  And it was amazing.  “So…how long have you two known each other?” she asked me.  “Oh, we just met!”  “What?  When?”  “Here in line.”  I love that.  I love meeting people and being so comfortable that it seems like we’ve known each other forever.  I want people to feel loved and comfortable and I love facilitating that.  My greatest mission in life is to connect people.  I’m going to do my best for you to flourish in this atmosphere.  I’ve heard this elsewhere, but remembered it today: “Our biggest hurt is our biggest ministry.”  Well, my biggest hurt is loneliness, and it’s because of loneliness that I will always try to connect to people and connect them to other people.

·   Karen.  Christina.  Sandy.  Suzanne.  These are the women I connected with tonight.  She helped lead a church plant in Louisville, KY.  She’s a social worker pursuing nursing.  She spent 26 years out of the country as a missionary; eight years in Kenya, the rest in Nigeria.  I know her from when I was a teller at Germantown Poplar and she is an amazingly strong and open woman.  Amazed.  Amazed at the love of Christ I heard tonight and encouraged by the beginning of this new chapter.  Ready to rock the East Outpost!

·   I absolutely love challenges, because challenges and discomfort are when we grow the most.  And if I’m trying to walk as Christ and be as much like Him before I go, then work on me, God.  Let’s do the dang thing.  If I’m not striving to be like You, my life is worthless and wasteful.

·   I’m adopting a daughter, and I’m so excited.  She’s moving in within the next few days and this is going to be an amazing experience.  At first I was nervous, feeling like a true parent, thinking, “I’m going to screw her up just like my parents screwed me up!” and as the days have passed, I feel at peace.  I feel God saying, “Hey, I got this.  I’m not going to lead you to a road and abandon you as we walk down the path.”  He has her in His hands, He has this and we are going to be better through it all.  I’m going to learn a lot, and so is she, and I’m excited.  I never anticipated what God had as the last leg of this OYC, but it’s very fitting.  Lead by example.  Give grace.  Accountability.  Unselfishness.  Yes, it’s time to put everything I’ve learned into true motion.  And I’m excited and encourage and ready!  I love her and know we’re going to do great things.  God has brought two people together for a million different reasons—all of them good!

·   As this challenge winds down, I can say it really isn’t about being single.  That was where I started, but now—now I know it's about so much more.  I tell women about my story and some say, “Oh, I’ve been single [such and such] years—I’m right there with you.”  And, yeah, okay, they might be “there” with me, but I feel as if I'm misrepresenting the purpose.  The behind-the-scenes for this challenge is figuring out what it means to be in a healthy relationship with Christ where you see yourself through His eyes.  That’s what this challenge has been.  An opportunity for a dating-aholic to pause and say, “This idol no long has control over me.”  And what I feel right now, I wouldn’t trade for the world.  And what I want to do with this feeling is plant seeds in other women that their happiness doesn’t come from a man.  It doesn’t come from a career.  It doesn’t come from a family.  It comes from Him.  My longing to be married one day hasn’t changed.  But what has changed is that my joy is no longer dictated by this unmet longing.  #priceless

Day 276

·   There are many thoughts that run through my head in the morning—millions of thoughts alone in the first blink of the day!  So it was this morning, when I rose from bed, that these words filled my mind, "You know, if I knew I was going to die, I would sell everything, raise money for my parents to pay off my debts, and fly home and be with them."  While I've had thoughts of death before, this, coming out of nowhere, really confused me.  I tried to brush it off, but somehow I couldn't escape it throughout the day, wondering if it has any meaning.

·   I began reading the Hunger Games trilogy last week.  Reading the actual words of Suzanne Collins's books, I am more and more intrigued by Peeta—just as I was intrigued by Edward in the Twilight series.  Many young girls—and women—fall in love with these books, and I think it not just for the attractive male protagonists.  Instead I think there's something deeper.  Something in the way these men sacrifice themselves for the women they love.  What girl doesn't want that?  This self-sacrifice is exactly what our Savior did for us—so of course we are naturally, instinctually, drawn to men who are willing to do the same, fictional or not.  As my OYC comes to an end, I wonder if I'll ever be found by a man willing to sacrifice himself for me.  Is it possible?  Is it realistic?

·   True love.  God keeps protecting me.  Maybe against my own will.  Of course against my own will.  He eliminates pieces on the board, knowing that I cannot overcome them.  I know it's in His greatest love for me that this is done.  And I know His will is good and perfect, and He has given me a piece—a piece and a peace—that offers security, security in knowing that a man who loves me will really, truly, no-doubt have to love me to be with me.  This was His promise to me in what I initially thought was a curse.  It is His biggest blessing and His biggest promise.

·   Tonight, I watched the Olympics and heard bits of Kellie Wells' story.  Life experiences have caused my ears and heart to perk at the mention of hurtful times.  You know the sweetest thing about the times of hurt?  Brokenness.  Body shattered.  Soul fractured.  Life turned into ashes.  Nothing left to lose.  Everything to gain.  Hearts to inspire.  My story is ugly and it will always be ugly.  But the beauty in it is that anyone I meet who has gone through the same thing, they will never be alone.  Comrades.  Healing.  Helping.  I know not what God intends as a career for me—and honestly I may never have one—but I know whose hearts pull me to them.  The hurting, lost women who have suffered similar hurts.  One day I'll be strong enough to share my story.  One day I'm going to show women that living life afterwards isn't impossible.  That what is seen as a curse is a gift.  Kellie's story being shared encourages me—she encourages me.  And maybe that in itself will stir a ripple effect.

Day 222

My mind is in a few different places tonight, so you know the routine.  Bullets!

·         Dirty Paws  Food, music, dogs.  As long as you know those things about me, we’re pretty much best friends.  Went to Shelby Farms yesterday where the pups were able to stretch their legs, run a few miles, and swim endlessly in the lakes.  It’s such an amazing feeling to see them playing, and to know they’re happy.  Cheeyo tried his best to swim out into the middle of the lake, and he almost humped a puppy.  Yeah, that’s my boy.  Paris chased a greyhound and made friends with some strangers, and when I got home I had two tired dogs.  I love them, and I realized it a little bit more when I came home to an empty apartment after dropping them off to spend time with their uncles.  (Thanks, guys!)  It felt weird to not have them around and definitely made me appreciate them all the more.

·         Single Like Kraft Cheese  Guy tried to add me on Facebook again.  I thought not saying no to a date and avoiding him altogether was the nicest way to say no.  An obvious way.  I don’t know if God’s pushing me for a response or if this is just the enemy trying to get into my head.  Old words be spoken, “See?  No Christian guy would ever want you.  Just settle for this guy.” NO!  I have no desire to settle.  No desire to patronize anyone.  No desire to waste anyone’s time.  I am really enjoying being single right now—which is a good thing, because I may be single forever—but I’m definitely not going backwards here.  Holding out and holding up against the mind-attacks.

·         Donalded  On the way home from dinner tonight, I thought I saw him moving along the sidewalk on Highland with his motorized wheel chair.  I’ve been praying to God about volunteering somewhere with the homeless, and seeing who I thought was Donald, set a deeper ache in my heart.  I wanted to pull over, to see if it was him, and talk to him, but I didn’t.  And I watched him fade away in my review and remembered how desperate the longing was then to help others after meeting him.  Let that flood into my “now” and be a motivator to find a place to help, God.

·         Anger Management  Initial reaction?  Slam on my brakes.  He was tailgating so close I couldn’t see the hood of his car.  Fury.  Wrath.  I wanted to hurt him.  But instead, as we drove off Appling I slowed and veered to the right to let him pass, and to my surprise, he slowed down, too.  Head to head, he started yelling at me.  And for the first time in my life, I yelled back.  You aren’t going to endanger my life and then yell at me like I did something wrong.  I make note of this because this is unlike me, the girl who shrinks in fear at attention—especially angry attention—from strangers.  For the first time, I felt no fear, I didn’t dodge eye contact, and I yelled back.  I know, not very smart, but definitely different from the insecure, fearful Jamie that I’m used to, and so that’s the only reason I’m noting it now.  People talk about LA traffic—shoo, I didn’t have road rage until I moved here.  Memphis can’t drive for anything.

·         Seventeen Days  July 1st I’ll turn 27.  I’ve been saying I’m 27 since January now, so I don’t think it’ll really be a big deal.  Months ago I knew my birthday wasn’t going to be spent in a special way.  When the new work schedule came out months ago, I was given every first Saturday of the month.  So I work the Saturday of my birthday weekend.  I also volunteer in the children’s ministry at church.  When I was given my schedule there, I was given the first Sunday of the month.  So I knew months ago I wouldn’t be doing anything the weekend of my birthday.  I think 27 will pass by quietly, and I’m okay with that.  I’m okay with the focus not being on me.  Happy early birthday, Liv Tyler, Pamela Anderson, Princess Di, and Missy Elliott!

·         Friendships  Being single has definitely given me the opportunity to be friends with more people, both guys and girls.  I have more time, more energy, more freedom to be friends with whoever God chooses to put in my life. And I can’t emphasize enough how much I’m enjoying this part of my life.  I get to spend time with so many people, getting to know them for who they are.  And this is just something for which I am thankful.  I look forward to being married one day, sure—I spent time with a married friend couple tonight and experienced the joy firsthand, er, secondhand or whatever—and I’m excited that I may have a husband one day.  But for right now, I’m single, not ready to mingle, and just enjoying the company that surrounds me.

Day 155

There is so much on my mind tonight, it’s a night for bullets.

·         Any time I go down town I know I have to leave an extra twenty minutes ahead of time, because I am both directionally challenged and common sense challenged.  So why I didn’t listen to myself today, I don’t know.  I left late and as a result sped down the highway at 70-90 miles per hour, which is unlike me.  The only cool thing about this was some other poor soul was late, and he was bobbing and weaving just like me through traffic.  Like comrades in a war, we sped together, blocking and passing other cars.

·         When I finally made it downtown, it took forever for me to find the parking garage.  I circled the building for 10 minutes, utterly confused.  When I finally followed a van (because a van insinuates family, and family insinuates church in the south), and made it inside the garage safe and sound.

·         My mind hadn’t cooled down from the trip, and it felt like service went by too quickly.  I saw faces of people I hadn’t seen in a while, and I realized how terribly I miss them.  But with an all-too-quick hug I went upstairs to fulfill my duties as a volunteer.

·         Infants.  Infants?!  Oh, those poor babies.  Don’t these people realize I’m single, have never babysat, and have no idea what I’m doing!?  But I did tell them I’d help anywhere, and quickly prayed that no babies would be dropped at my hands.  Surrounded by babies, my heart melted as each of them smiled and laughed and sputtered odd noises.  They reached their baby hands out to me, and I was smitten.  I even nibbled at their baby feet.  I couldn’t resist the smiles that came from toe kisses!  One little one reached out to me.  When I came close, he held my face in his hands, looking intently at me.  I fell in love with their tenderness and enjoyed the morning.  Our section overlooked the Memphis bridge—the scene just took my breath away.  And for a moment, I felt firmly that I was exactly where God wanted me to be in every sense.

·         As parents came to pick up their children, I watched the masses of people.  So many people!  I felt so small against the backdrop of such a multitude.  Everyone was dressed up so beautifully.  And all I could think was about how I was in my kid-safe wardrobe.  I was a little sad, but knew there would be other opportunities.  I saw very few people I recognized actually, and had some invitations to go out.  And really I was thinking, I just want to go home, but as I got into my car, I realized that was the exact opposite of what I truly wanted, and instead met Tracy and Lindsay at Molly’s.

·         I’m glad I went.  Not only was the food delicious, but it made me realize how much I miss them.  It feels like it’s been ages since I’ve sat down with either of them—since the girls group even, and I really, really miss their friendships.  We caught up on life, but two things stuck out to me.  Kisses from Katie and opposite sex friendships.  I felt like those were two things God wanted me to hear.  Be prepared for great things was one whisper, and Guard your heart followed.

  

·         David Platt flipped my world upside down last Friday.  There is this passion in me that I’ve only experienced in snippets before.  Hearing Mario talk a couple years ago and leading us through Secret Church, and then subscribing to Voice of Martyrs have offered pieces of the world that remain unreached.  I don’t know for what God is preparing me, but I know it’s going to be big.   Kisses from Katie left me to wonder of what God is going to make me capable.  I think it’s important Lindsay told me that Katie sacrificed college to do God’s work, because I feel like that’s one thing that could eventually prevent me from fulfilling God’s calling.  When the other topic arose, it made me realize just how much we have to protect brothers, honoring their future wives.  We also have to protect our hearts, to save them for our husbands.  We have to remain focused on God, and find a balance between having healthy opposite sex friendships and boundaries.

·         As I drove home from Molly’s, I recognized where I was.  I was driving home on Madison.  Madison was always the way I drove to Minglewood Hall, where Christ City meets on Sundays.  And there was a slight ache in my heart.  Last Easter, I was at Christ City, and before Fellowship, this is where I was fed.  I thought to myself, Man, I miss Christ City, which made me realize how often within the last few weeks I have heard the names of all the other churches where I spent time.  And now, in a couple weeks, I’ll become a member of Fellowship.  And I have cold feet.  With the utterance of the names of other churches from my past, I’m wondering if I’m making a mistake.  Am I meant to serve within and from Fellowship?  Am I making the right choice?  Two months ago I would have said yes.  And now I feel as if I’m not sure.

·         This hurts, because I want to be sure.  And I don’t know if this is Satan planting the seed of distrust or if this is God pushing me elsewhere.  When I sat in Highland Church, I looked around, and imagined myself happy there.  Second Pres, Independent Pres, Highpoint, Christ United Methodist…I love Fellowship for its desire to disciple.  But either I don’t know the right people or there’s a lack of discipling going on, because I’ve heard more people say their community groups are falling apart and that they’re not learning or growing.  And I think of other churches that have a set building, and have Wednesday night services, community groups, women studies, intentional connectedness to the body as a whole, and I just wonder, if I want to grow, will I be able to grow here?

·         The end of the day was fulfilling for me.  When I asked the girls if they wanted to go to Shelby Farms, I expected polite no’s.  Not because they wouldn’t want to spend time with me, but nobody ever has time or desire to come out to Shelby Farms with me.  And Shelby Farms is basically a love language of mine.  If you follow me and spend time outside with smelly, rowdy puppies romping around in mud, I know you care.  But most of the time I spend the afternoons there alone just because it’s not really anybody’s “thing.”  And it was a kind gift from God to give me Tracy and Lindsay to walk with and watch the dogs play and see exactly how and where I spend my time.  And that in itself made me miss have deep, connected friendships even more.

·         And so now I sit, relaxing on my sofa with two tired dogs.  I think back on my Easter and see how much has changed in a year, and how much further I still have to travel.  I think of how thankful I am to Jesus for all He endured.  I’m thankful for God’s sovereignty.  I’m thankful for a job, a working car, a home in which to live, unwavering friendships that continue to give me grace, and forgiveness, and love.

·         One of the songs in the service today was Tye Tribbett’s Bless the Lord (Son of Man), and I couldn’t stop listening to it.  Loving this song so much, I listened to a few others and found one that I absolutely fell in love with.  This is my wish for my life, God, and I hope when I meet Easter of next year that I can look back and know my life has continued to change as I have continued chasing after You.

Each and every day I will seek your face

My soul is crying out

For more, I want more of You

I won't be satisfied nor content with where I am

So I will apprehend till I'm captured by what I'm after

And I will go

From faith to faith

From glory to glory

And I'll forever be chasing after you

I'll be chasing after you

I will press towards the mark

For the prize, and I won't faint

There's one thing I desire and that's what I'm going for

I can't continue life, day by day, growing dry

I need to be with you, Jesus, I'll seek where you are

And I'll forever be chasing after you

I'll be chasing after you

And those are some of my thoughts.  Happy Easter.  He has risen!

Day 121

After a weekend of completely decompressing, here are some bullets:

·         I am human.  I let people down.  I’m selfish.  I’m undeserving.  I’m evil.  I’m not beyond being spiteful or jealous or mean.  And sometimes I am all those things.  And sometimes I push people away.  Sometimes I’m self-absorbed.  Those who love me choose to bear with me.  And those who love me and can’t bear with me, please just forgive me.

·         I miss my family a lot, but talking to them on Tango has definitely made things easier.  I plan to have Tango dates with Micaela and Lizzie sometime soon.  Sometime soon, my dear friends—you, me, and my couch.

·         The tug to move to California is strong.  But I know in the deepest parts of my heart, it’s not going to be in September.  I know I have a longer journey ahead of me here, one that I can only complete where I’m at right now, and leaving here would defeat the main purpose of moving home.  I’d be useless.  And I don’t want to be useless.  I want to be useful.  If God can’t use me, then no—no, I can’t leave yet.

·         At some point the past becomes something that taps you on the shoulder and says, “Hey!”  No ugliness.  No crude memories.  Not even a reflection of what was...just an “is.”  Saw a guy I once dated today.  And where I once was a little bitter, it was kind of just, like, “Hey, hope life is good.”

·         You’ll never go wrong loving others.  But what that means is loving others in a way that brings them closer to Christ.  It doesn’t mean spending oodles of time with them, changing your life, changing who you are, or buying them things, or lying to them—it means if the best and Godliest way you can love them is with a kind “What’s up?” when you see them, then love them.  Just know your boundaries.  And know their signals.  Don’t give someone lifetime friend privileges if they’re a vapor in the winds of fair-weather.

·         I have given up: rap music, television, 2 meals a day, and my phone during work hours.  I started late (today) and already feel emotionally and physically refreshed, and focused.  I felt much more focused.

·         It’s amazing who God brings (and brings back) into our lives.  I am thankful for the concert on Friday, for the text message last night, and the burgers tonight.  I have met some amazing people—past, present, and, I anticipate, future.  And never want to stop meeting and loving people.

God, You have given me a love of new things.  New relationships.  New places.  New foods.  Every new experience You have given me the ability to enjoy.  And I am so thankful for that, because it has opened my eyes to people and things that I will never forget.  I hear You telling me I can do this.  Every day is a new journey.  And I’m ready for tomorrow, because I have You.

Day 75

Milestones, it’s important to recognize them.  Minor notes, it’s important to recognize them.

Today someone yelled at me even though it wasn’t my fault.  Today I stood silent, and let them yell.  I didn’t fight.  I tried to help.  The staying quiet part wasn’t difficult, because I’ve been quiet my entire life.  What stood out today was that after they left, my emotional state was intact.  I wasn’t upset with them.  I wasn’t berating myself for not doing more.  It was like it didn’t happen at all.  And normally I’m up in arms, defending myself, or worse, talking trash about them afterwards.  But today, nothing.  They walked on, and I moved on.  And it felt so good not to carry that baggage.

Met with a new friend for dinner today.  We laughed that it really was like a blind date.  And I don’t know if was her or just that I’m growing more comfortable with myself, but I wasn’t as anxious as I’ve been meeting new people.  Considering the last three months have consisted of nothing but new faces, maybe I’ve reached this point where I’m okay.  Instead of thinking everyone is going to run screaming from me, I’m becoming more comfortable with myself.  I’ve also learned that I am different in group settings and one-on-one settings.  I have fun at both, but there’s definitely more intimacy one-on-one.  And instead of concentrating on, “Will they like me?” I’m focused on them and intentionally trying to get to know them.

This is what I needed.  I needed someone to look at me and say, “Yes.”  I needed encouragement.  For once, it was nice not to hear, “God has a beautiful plan for your life, man or not,” and instead, “Yes, there will be someone for you.  Are you kidding me?”  Every girl needs to hear that once in a while.  And while, yes, God’s plan for me will be great either way, it’s encouraging to hear that reassurance in another’s voice.

One of the things I learned from my father was that it’s nice to pay for meals.  I remember growing up and he and his best friend would argue over the ticket, and dad would normally win.  At a certain age, paying dutch became the usual, and it hasn’t come back to me until this point in life that sometimes it’s nice and honoring to treat a friend to dinner.  It doesn’t always happen, but when I can, I can.  I think this was recently reignited in me when my longtime guy friend and I hung out at lunch, and he stole the ticket.  He said to me, he was “taught to always be prepared to buy the other’s person lunch.”  Not that he always has to, but when he can, it’s a nice, forgotten gesture of appreciation.  It says, “Time is valuable and I appreciated you spending some of it with me tonight.”  It means so much to me when friends do this.  I love being able to do it for other people—ahem, people who won’t take advantage of it.

I am so lucky to have such wonderful dogs.  After dating non-stop for the last four years that I’ve had them, these first two months have been spent pretty much reconnecting to them.  Mommy to doggies.  Paris cuddles me when I cry.  Cheeyo gives me a hug every day after work.  And they both sleep with me at night and wake me up in the morning.  Granted, they’re pains sometimes—Cheeyo just tried to drink my Almay mascara—but I really love them and love being able to spend time with them.

Twenty-seven days until Stockton.  Geared up.  Ready to go.   Ready to see everyone.  Let’s go!  ‘Cause I'm feeling like I’m running and I'm feeling like I gotta get away, get away, get away, better know that I don't and I won't ever stop ‘cause you know I gotta win every day, day.  See they really, really wanna pop me, just know that you will never flop me, and I know that I can be a little cocky…you ain't never gonna stop me.

Our waiter at the restaurant today asked me if I was something else.  I forgot how he asked it, but he was very nice about it.  I told him about my mom, and he said, “Aaaaah, I could kind of tell.  I could see it.”  We got onto the topic of age, and I told him he didn’t look his age, and he said, “It’s the Asian in me.”  I laughed and said, “Oh, good, then I still stand a chance!”  I’m always tickled when people ask me if I’m something besides white.  Mostly they say Hispanic, but I was flattered when an Asian recognized the Asian in me!  Maybe I’ll look more Japanese the older I get…hmmm.  Thanks, Grandma!

Day 68

Today was a good day.  I prayed for it to be…and God answered in more ways than one.

• I enjoyed a long morning before work.
• A friend sent me an encouraging text message as I was driving to work.
• I was happy to have my coworker at work.
• Customers were nicer than yesterday.
• My friend bought me a Ring Pop :)
• Came home to a nice warm shower.
• Played with the pups.
• Saw Lauren and ate the best sandwich and drank the best green tea ever.
• Ending the night feeling relaxed and happy.

God has been sending me little I-love-you’s at every turn by way of wonderful people.  What else has been going on this week?

Death – Still really on my mind, but after talking to Lauren tonight, my heart is a little more at ease.  I feel like my thoughts were driving me crazy, and I am so thankful for her listening ear and prayerful heart and compassionate words.  Until that day comes, I will spend my days in Him.

Family – February is ticking a little bit closer each day.  I’m nervous to come home.  I am so thankful for the friends and influences that I have in my life who have similar walks.  Not everyone comes from a saved family and as the time draws near for me to see them again, my fear is that our contrast will be so great—too great.  I have to give this God and trust in Him completely, no matter what happens.  I love my family so, so, so much.  And I love Him.  And all things work together in His perfect plan.

Brothers – Ever since I became a Christian my heart has been searching for brothers.  I want men in my life who protect me, honor me, and above all love the God they serve.  Fellowship is responsible for the men in my life who I can look to as God-fearing examples.  And as friendships grow, I grow more thankful for their presence in my life.

Reading – I love reading.  I wish I had more time for it.  I have so many amazing books that I want to sink my teeth into.  Right now, I’m getting through C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity.  Now, I’m only in the beginning chapters, but I wonder if I would’ve appreciated this book earlier in my Christian walk when I was on the brink of accepting Christ.  I’m sticking with it, but just ordered The Screwtape Letters off Amazon.  That is one I’m really excited about.

Roommates – Lindsay moved out on Tuesday, and I miss her.  Between her and Micaela somehow my heart was changed.  I went from wanting to live alone to desperately wishing I had a two bedroom apartment.  It’s too quiet around here now.  And I will always love my doggies, but there’s nothing like human companionship.

Praying – Months ago I used to have my prayer request time, where I would pray for people in my life.  Strangers, friends, family, I would devote time solely to them.  Over the last month I’ve been a little Jamie-centered, and as of Monday I got into the swing of things again and started praying for others.  It gave me so much peace, and I felt like I was able to love them even if we were far apart or hadn’t seen each other in a while.

Messages – When I’ve been feeling low God has blessed me with some really wonderful people.  At different times throughout the week people have sent me messages through Facebook and texts that, without them maybe even meaning to, have encouraged me and reminded me that I’m loved.  Encouragement is like water to a dying man in the desert.  And, man, sometimes it’s the only thing keeping me going.

Day 65

I don’t have much to write tonight.

My mind is in several different places, so whatever I write will not be fluid.

Anxiety has covered me like a deep blanket this last month.  The enemy, transitioning with me and adjusting to my accomplishments, has focused on stress.  Perfect for him.  The little things have stressed me out to the max—so much that I avoided a social life during December.  I think I just now realized what was going on, and have started to pray about a peace from God about the goings-on in my life.

The idea of discipleship made itself a place in my heart immediately when I started learning about Christ.  I don’t think I always understood it and as I deepen in my walk, I am more determined than ever to get to that place where I can disciple others.  God is starting to provide opportunities, and, to add to my stress, I don’t think I’m ready.  I’m wobbling on my new Christian legs, not ready to walk.  But I guess He’s pushing me out of the nest and I have to learn to fly.

#prioritize

Tough decisions are ahead.  Commitments I’ve made are being tested.  Friendships I’ve made are being tested.  What I want to do and what I've made a commitment to do are what I am facing right now.  I’m going to miss out on some things, but I am determined to prioritize and stay committed and not let the promises I’ve made to myself or God or others waiver.  That can be a heavy load to bear for a baby Christian who feels lost…but God, be my strength.

Anxiety from these commitments and desire to disciple has led me to realize that something I am completely terrified of is my trip home to California.  Every day it’s sounding less like a vacation and more of a mission trip.  A mission trip.  Am I ready to go back?  Am I strong enough?  It’s more than a month away and every day I wake up with a heavy heart.  When I say I’m terrified, I’m tormented.

With everything on my plate, I fasted today.  The last time I fasted was almost a year ago.  Today I woke up, determined.  Over the course of the last week I’ve felt a prick in my heart each time someone mentioned the word ‘fast.’  I struggled today, but not as much as I could have.  I started slow, only fasting from sun up to sun down, drinking water.  When I felt hunger pains, I focused on God and prayed.  I spent my lunch hour in prayer, writing down every thought that came to mind.

God, please just guide me.  I know I need to trust You, and I know this anxiety is saying that I don’t.  Please take this fear from me, comfort me, and let me know that You’re leading me.  Let me be led by You.  Let me shine Your light.  Take me completely out of it, and let Your will be the only thing that guides me.  Let me be loving, and tender, and unafraid.  Courageous.  I need courage.  Be my lantern, my hope, my guide, my unyielding director.  Take me further on my walk with You, and give me an insatiable appetite for You, Your word, and Your Son.  Let me never give up hope.  Let me never be defeated.  Let my struggles be only as grave as the light You give me.  You are my reward.  You are my love.  You are my God.

Day 47

Venting, real life versus real-time, the taste of Christmas, the season of giving mixed in with some j-o-y, all rolled up into some bullets.

I is the ninth letter of the alphabet.  And sometimes the most disappointing thing to hear out of someone's mouth.  I did this, I said this, I think this.  One thing that hurts my feelings in conversations is when I can tell the other person is waiting on me to finish my sentence so they can say something—and sometimes not even waiting, but interrupting.  Care more about knowing someone than being known.  Listen more than you speak.  It makes the person opposite you feel valued.  Speak more and listen less, well, that value will decrease and you won’t have to wonder why they never ask you to hang out anymore.  I have to pursue this in every conversation.  I try to practice pausing my need to share—which, anyway, is usually met later on in the conversation when the other person feels comfortable enough to ask me something.  I have to die to myself on a regular basis.

App’d at the hip.  If we sit down together and you cannot put your iPhone down, you are sending me a very clear signal that you have better things to do.  I’m not talking about an occasional text to check in on your child or an appointment tomorrow, but if you’re sitting there playing Angry Birds or Words with Friends while I’m trying to open up to you, I’m not going to waste my breath.  Either spend time with me or don’t.  I could be elsewhere with someone else, not staring at the top of your head while you're busy interacting with someone—something—else.

Cinnamon-stuck.  I am stuck on cinnamon this season.  I mean, I love it year round, but it definitely feels more like Christmas with a candle, a cookie, or coffee to taste, smell, and enjoy.  I love cinnamon.

Gratitude to latitude.  I’ve been praying to God to be able to bless someone this season.  I was blessed a few days ago when I received $100, a very special gift from someone.  I prayed about what to do with it.  Pay off bills, buy groceries, buy gas, buy clothes…all of that seemed like…things I could do any time.  And so today I made a couple deposits into a couple different accounts of people who have spent the last year watching over me, protecting me, and making sure I had something to eat when it appeared that I didn’t.  They may not ask from where the gifts came, but I know they’ll appreciate it.  It means more knowing that they have something than me doing something less with that money.

Self-fulfilling prophecy.  I ain’t going to lie.  The last few days have been rough.  The next few weeks will be rough, too.  So rough that I’ve started giving up on love.  I’ve resigned to the idea that I’ll be 50, maybe 60 or 70, and never married.  That seems to be my scorecard so far.  And when talking with Sara about this tonight, she told me about the danger behind a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I wonder though if as a relationship-addict that I’m meant to feel this way for a time—to remove the primary desire for a husband, to take full advantage of being single.  And by full advantage I mean becoming someone who has their life centered around Christ—so much so that He is the only road to joy.  Right now if I were to date I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would fall back into being dependent on a guy for happiness, and happiness happens, but joy abides.  Need to rework some things before I can love to the best of my ability.

Tres away.  Day 47 into my challenge.  It's been difficult—so difficult.  But I'm growing.  Every day I get a little closer to who God wants me to be.  One day I'll be ready to love and be loved by someone.  Three days until my 50th day anniversary, and three days until Christmas.  On the path to being saved in more ways than one.  I get to celebrate my small victory, and I get to celebrate His larger-than-life victory.  And this will be my second Christmas at Fellowship—so much has happened in a year.  And I am so different from even a year ago.  I can't wait to see who I am in another year.

Assumption.  You read my blog and assume you know me, wrong.  Ask me, then you'll know exactly who I am and where my heart is.  Assuming does not breed life, but good conversation does.

Day 39

Exhausted, but happy.  So here’s a rundown.

Sister, sister.  This week has been a full and happy (but exhausting) one.  Monday I spent time with Sara and Tracy, listening to a sermon together.  Tuesday I went to the gathering at the Holcombs' house, where I was able to spend time with so many people.  Today I had dinner with Sara, Danielle, Savannah, Jillian and Christine, and can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.  Tomorrow I’ll see Tabitha.  Friday, more Christmas lights with Sara.  Every day I have been blessed with…just being around people who are so joyful.  It’s amazing how much can happen in such a short amount of time.  The party planning committee made an awesome list of things to come for this year.  I’m excited to experience life with my new and wonderful friends.

Included in this shot are the
president and our secretary of defense.

Our Must-Do-Before-We-Marry list.
"Crossing something off
makes this a legitimate list!"

Nothin' like dancing in someone's random front yard.

Always ready for a good time.

These neighbors must hate their neighbors
with the amazing lightshow.

Work.  Bowling on Tuesday for our Christmas party.  Ready to (not) kick butt, but enjoy some bowling alley pizza and beer.  The only thing that would make it better is hot wings.

Just gimme a beat.  Loving Big Sean’s Dance and Pbz’s Freak It Like Madonna right now.  Know both songs have inappropriate lyrics, but I just need a good beat and I’m happy.

Day 33

Time for bullets.

Pursuit of idleness.  All my life I have pursued men in both relationships and friendships in unhealthy ways.  This challenge has been a proactive pursuit of stepping down and back, refusing to be aggressive.  The more I learn about the roles of men and women as Christians, the more comfortable I am letting and wanting men to take initiative.  I’m giving men space to be leaders in my life, which is a big change for me.  I’m leaving it to them to initiate.  No sending Friend Requests, no initiating text messages, no initiating phone calls or chats.  My behavior isn’t one of righteousness or entitlement—I promise—but rather letting the progress of my challenge take its slow course.  If I haven’t reached out, it’s because I’m letting you take the lead.  It’s not a forever-thing, but right now it’s what I need.  I’m thankful for the men who have been spiritual leaders lately.  It means a lot.

Sunshine after the clouds.  In this pursuit of honor and love, God has given me some great examples of men lately.  A few weeks ago, I was really upset with someone, but couldn’t relate my feelings.  So I automatically counted out the friendship.  Saturday night I saw him out, and I wasn’t excited to see him.  He ended up finding me midway through the night and initiating intentional conversation about the last few weeks.  Where I was initially defensive, he was understanding and gentle.  He was sincere in wanting to understand my perspective, and because of that I was able to open up.  I really appreciated that conversation, and I am so thankful to God for protecting me, and using him as an example; men are capable of honoring women.

Gambled investments.  As the months continue, I’m becoming very aware of my friendship-making habits.  Pride is a dangerous thing and it isn’t often that you’ll get away unscathed when it’s at the root of your decisions.  It compels me to befriend friends that aren’t a good fit.  I want these friendships where I have to prove that I’m worth being friends with, which part of me (wrongly) thinks would increase my self-worth.  It’s not a fair barometer of compatible friendships.  I want to use these next few months to commit to and really develop friendships with the right people.  A friend who isn’t interested in being friends is like sand slipping through your fingers anyway. 

Loosen up those buttons, babe.  “What kind of button is that on your coat?...Is it made of wood?...Where was it made?”  A button conversation is an endearing term for superficial conversation.  I’m not saying these conversations aren’t necessary—at the beginning—but I need some depth!  These last few months I’ve met plenty of new people, having my fair share of button conversations.  I love people who open at the core and share themselves with others.  You’re my brother, you’re my sister, I want to know your heart.  I want to share mine with you.  I absolutely love when I’m talking with someone, and they say, “So…what’s your story?” because I know theirs isn’t far behind.  And loving is so much easier when you know who you’re loving and can appreciate all the pieces of their heart.  So if you and I ever have a conversation, don’t be expecting buttons.

Day 23

Emotionally depleted tonight.  It’s Day 23, but it feels as if it’s been much longer.

God is teaching me something new about Him every day.  And in that, He’s also teaching me new things about me.

·         I like me.  I have hated myself for as long as I can remember.  I’ve wanted love for so long that I changed to try and make others love me.  After 3 weeks with God, I’m figuring out that I’m actually kind of cool—I think.  In an award way, I’m sure :)  I’m developing my sense of style—without having to wonder what a boyfriend (or boy, period) likes.  I get to be goofy, without wondering if I’m an embarrassment to him.  I get to be loving without wondering if I’m making him jealous or competing with him.  I get to spend time with my dogs.  I get to watch movies I want to watch.  I have opinions.  I know this all sounds so elementary, but I’ve tried for so long to make myself someone I’m not to earn love that I lost who I am naturally.  And now I get to be me, and in an even better way, I get to be me and know who I am with the unconditional love of God.

·         Praying for discomfort.  Ever since I read Bryan’s book, I’ve been praying for discomfort.  Now that doesn’t mean I’m not scared, because I am, but it means that I’m ready to be challenged, to grow.  And so I’ve had mean customers at work, I’ve had issues with friends, I’ve had money issues, I’ve had car issues, and now I’m going to experience having a roommate for a month!  This is my living room.

          

This is where my temporary roommate will be living :)  This is actually pretty exciting.  Two girls in a one bedroom apartment.  My friend is staying with me while her dorm is closed for winter break.  And I’m terrified (and I’ve warned her, yes) that I’m going to be a terrible roommate.  I’ve never lived with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend (pre-saved) or family (also pre-saved).  So I’m excited to grow and have my boundaries tested.

·         Friendships with men.  In addition to figuring out who I am, not-dating has opened the doors to having guys as friends.  No pressure, not looking at potential, and just seeing and valuing men for who they are and not what they could be.  Because that’s always what I’ve done.  I’ve seen a guy, seen our potential in a relationship, pursued him based off of my daydreams, and totally ignored getting to know him, because I just wanted someone to cuddle up with me.  I love that my perspective is changing.  It’s both cool and scary to feel the changes God is making to my heart.  Because I never thought I could be here, and it’s only because of Him that I am.

·         My OYC on Blogspot.  When I began this journal 23 days ago, I began it to document my journey in its completeness—happy, sad, detrimental, difficult, victories and failures—I want this to be something I can come back to and remember completely the thoughts and feelings I had.  I never anticipated anyone reading this.  But if you are here, if you are reading my words, know that I’m writing for myself, but that I am also writing for you.

If you’re my high school friend who is just curious about how I’m doing, this is for you.  If you’re an acquaintance who has never had a conversation with me, this is for you.  If you’re the person who feels alone, this is for you.  If you’re the girl struggling with self-worth and dating to sustain yourself, this is for you.  If you’re the guy struggling with sex, this for you.  If you’re the Christian who finds encouragement from another’s walk, this is for you.  If you’re the non-Christian who doesn’t understand, who rejects me, who unfriends me, who is curious, who wants to know more, but doesn’t want to feel pressured, who thinks being a Christian means you’re perfect (hah!), this is for you.  This is my life, this is who I am, and for everything it’s worth, you will know intimate pieces of my heart.  The best way I know to love someone is to tell them they’re not alone.  And, dear friend, you are not alone.  And as God would have it, in writing in this journal, I don’t feel alone.  And by giving love I now know more love than I have in the last 12 years of my life.  So thank you.