My mind is in several different places, so whatever I
write will not be fluid.
Anxiety has covered me like a deep blanket this last
month. The enemy, transitioning with me
and adjusting to my accomplishments, has focused on stress. Perfect for him. The little things have stressed me out to the
max—so much that I avoided a social life during December. I think I just now realized what was going
on, and have started to pray about a peace from God about the goings-on in my
life.
The idea of discipleship made itself a place in my heart
immediately when I started learning about Christ. I don’t think I always understood it and as I
deepen in my walk, I am more determined than ever to get to that place where I
can disciple others. God is starting to
provide opportunities, and, to add to my stress, I don’t think I’m ready. I’m wobbling on my new Christian legs, not
ready to walk. But I guess He’s pushing
me out of the nest and I have to learn to fly.
 |
| #prioritize |
Tough decisions are ahead. Commitments I’ve made are being tested. Friendships I’ve made are being tested. What I want to do and what I've made a commitment to do are what I am facing right now. I’m
going to miss out on some things, but I am determined to prioritize and stay committed and not
let the promises I’ve made to myself or God or others waiver. That can be a heavy load to bear for a baby
Christian who feels lost…but God, be my strength.
Anxiety from these commitments and desire to disciple has
led me to realize that something I am completely terrified of is my trip home
to California. Every day it’s sounding
less like a vacation and more of a mission trip. A mission trip. Am I ready to go back? Am I strong enough? It’s more than a month away and every day I
wake up with a heavy heart. When I say I’m
terrified, I’m tormented.
With everything on my plate, I fasted today. The last time I fasted was almost a year ago. Today I woke up, determined. Over the course of the last week I’ve felt a
prick in my heart each time someone mentioned the word ‘fast.’ I struggled today, but not as much as I could
have. I started slow, only fasting from
sun up to sun down, drinking water. When
I felt hunger pains, I focused on God and prayed. I spent my lunch hour in prayer, writing down every thought that came to mind.
God, please just guide me. I know I need to trust You, and I know this
anxiety is saying that I don’t. Please
take this fear from me, comfort me, and let me know that You’re leading
me. Let me be led by You. Let me shine Your light. Take me completely out of it, and let Your will
be the only thing that guides me. Let me
be loving, and tender, and unafraid.
Courageous. I need courage. Be my lantern, my hope, my guide, my
unyielding director. Take me further on
my walk with You, and give me an insatiable appetite for You, Your word, and
Your Son. Let me never give up
hope. Let me never be defeated. Let my struggles be only as grave as the
light You give me. You are my
reward. You are my love. You are my God.
