God is teaching me something new about Him every
day. And in that, He’s also teaching me
new things about me.
·
I like
me. I have hated myself for as long
as I can remember. I’ve wanted love for
so long that I changed to try and make others love me. After 3 weeks with God, I’m figuring out that
I’m actually kind of cool—I think. In an award way, I’m sure :) I’m developing my sense of style—without having
to wonder what a boyfriend (or boy,
period) likes. I get to be goofy,
without wondering if I’m an embarrassment to him. I get to be loving without wondering if I’m
making him jealous or competing with him.
I get to spend time with my dogs.
I get to watch movies I want to watch. I have opinions. I know this all sounds so elementary, but I’ve
tried for so long to make myself someone I’m not to earn love that I lost who I am naturally. And now I get to be me, and in an even better
way, I get to be me and know who I am with the unconditional love of God.
·
Praying
for discomfort. Ever since I read
Bryan’s book, I’ve been praying for discomfort.
Now that doesn’t mean I’m not scared, because I am, but it means that I’m
ready to be challenged, to grow. And so
I’ve had mean customers at work, I’ve had issues with friends, I’ve had money
issues, I’ve had car issues, and now I’m going to experience having a roommate
for a month! This is my living room.
This is where my temporary
roommate will be living :) This is
actually pretty exciting. Two girls in a
one bedroom apartment. My friend is
staying with me while her dorm is closed for winter break. And I’m terrified (and I’ve warned her, yes)
that I’m going to be a terrible roommate.
I’ve never lived with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend (pre-saved) or
family (also pre-saved). So I’m excited
to grow and have my boundaries tested.
·
Friendships
with men. In addition to figuring
out who I am, not-dating has opened
the doors to having guys as friends. No
pressure, not looking at potential, and just seeing and valuing men for who
they are and not what they could be.
Because that’s always what I’ve done.
I’ve seen a guy, seen our potential in a relationship, pursued him based
off of my daydreams, and totally ignored getting to know him, because I just
wanted someone to cuddle up with me. I
love that my perspective is changing. It’s
both cool and scary to feel the changes God is making to my heart. Because I never thought I could be here, and it’s only because of Him that
I am.
·
My OYC on Blogspot. When I began this journal 23 days ago, I began it
to document my journey in its completeness—happy, sad, detrimental, difficult,
victories and failures—I want this to be something I can come back to and
remember completely the thoughts and feelings I had. I never anticipated
anyone reading this. But if you are here, if you are reading my words,
know that I’m writing for myself, but that I am also writing for you.
If
you’re my high school friend who is just curious about how I’m doing, this is
for you. If you’re an acquaintance who has never had a conversation with
me, this is for you. If you’re the person who feels alone, this is for
you. If you’re the girl struggling with self-worth and dating to sustain
yourself, this is for you. If you’re the guy struggling with sex, this
for you. If you’re the Christian who finds encouragement from another’s
walk, this is for you. If you’re the non-Christian who doesn’t
understand, who rejects me, who unfriends me, who is curious, who wants to know
more, but doesn’t want to feel pressured, who thinks being a Christian means
you’re perfect (hah!), this is for you. This is my life, this is who I
am, and for everything it’s worth, you will know intimate pieces of my
heart. The best way I know to love someone is to tell them they’re not
alone. And, dear friend, you are not alone. And as God would have
it, in writing in this journal, I don’t feel alone. And by giving
love I now know more love than I have in the last 12 years of my life. So thank you.
