Day 317.

As of today I have 50 days left of my challenge.

It almost feels as if I’m cheating myself by limiting this to a dating fast.  What it really should be called is a drop-everything-you’ve-ever-held-dear-and-practice-being-obedient-and-loving-God challenge.  But somehow that’s just not as pleasing to the ear.

Today, for the second time in a week, I was called Esther.  Now, I hadn’t read Esther in about a year, so I didn’t know quite what to expect when I opened my Bible today during lunch.

For the longest time I’ve only seen myself as Gomer, nothing more.  Something ugly, something to be despised.  Something only God could love and want to redeem.

But this challenge—this challenge has given me so much.  So much I never expected to know or feel or be.  Strong in an entirely new way.

…after being twelve months under the regulations for the women, since this was the regular period of their beautifying, six months with oil of myrrh and six months with spices and ointments for women—when the young woman went in to the king in this way, she was given whatever she desired to take with her from the harem to the king's palace (Esther 2:12-13).

There are many other verses God used to touch my heart this afternoon from the book of Esther, but this one stayed with me.

A year is a long time to consistently concentrate on bettering yourself and a relationship.  But it's been worth every second.  Every tear.  Every frustration.  Because beyond all of that is success, a closeness, a trust, a reliability, an evolution of a love I never knew.  I think back to the Gomer I was, the Gomer God saved, and can only see myself through the lens of Christ now.  Not cocky or confident in myself, but more safe in and loved by Christ than I’ve ever known.

This, still, has been the most amazing experience of my life and I love my King more now than ever and I’m still learning to let Him love me.  And, boy, is it ever amazing.

Fifty days left and a lifetime to go.

Day 174

Toast.

Slightly burnt.  Fixed with cold grape jelly.

This mix reminds me of a very different time.  Over miles and decades, I find memories of who I was then.

Living at home in California.  Mom and Dad waking up early and sharing breakfast with us.  Eggs, bacon, sausage, and singed toast.  My favorite.

And tonight, I sat and nibbled on the crisp crusts I had accidentally created, and reflected over a jar of grape goodness.

Life has changed so much from then to now, and especially since November.  My life, my heart continues to change, continues to grow.

 

In nine days I'll be celebrating my half-way point—six months of singleness.

With how much has changed in six months, I am excited to continue the journey, anticipating the end.  Not to date—because, ironically, if this challenge has taught me anything, dating becomes a mere afterthought—but because of the development that has happened in a time dedicated to a relationship with God.

So much more to come!  Every day feels like a new beginning.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17).

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away (Revelation 21:4).

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much (Luke 7:47).

Day 164

You don’t get burned ’cause nothing gets through

It makes it easier, easier on you

But that much more difficult for me

To make you see

Heart’s a Mess, Gotye

What is this blog?

This blog is where I write, process, and share whatever God has me to share.  It's not always eloquent, but whatever I post is prayerfully posted.  Not meaning that what I write is always pretty, but meant to read by someone else.

This is very different from Twitter.

Twitter is a journaling of unedited, on-the-spot thoughts.  Negative, positive, unnecessary, but there.  Sometimes frivolous, sometimes recording joy, and at times recording moments that need some type of processing.

It's lately that I wonder if my writing is becoming a hindrance to me.  To friendships.  To growth.  To living life outside of my computer screen.

What would I do if I just shut down?  Shut this down?  Shut Twitter down?  Then what?  How would I process?  Who would I go to, to talk through life?  Is this a handicap or is it healing?

There's a lot of unexplained sadness in my heart now.  I'm wrestling with pieces of myself, struggling to be healed and to overcome learned behaviors.  But it takes time.  It takes conscious effort to change these things.

And, God, I feel so lost.  I don't even know what to pray for anymore.  Here, there, where?  Him, her, who?   This, that, what?  What do I need to be searching for, God? What do I need to be praying for, God?  How do I need to be growing? 

Listening to Priscilla Shirer Saturday night...God, every sentence hit me deeply.  What am I enslaved to?  What do I not know how to say no to?

Maybe these social networking sites need to be put to rest for a time.  Maybe what once was an aid is now a distraction and where introspection was helpful, maybe now it’s turning into self-centeredness.  It's not that they in themselves are harmful, but, maybe, maybe what I've let them become is.

And, God, as I end this tonight, I pray for friendships.  I pray for passion.  I pray for growth, grace, and love.  I pray for direction, for understanding, and revelation.  I pray for community.  I pray for experiences.  I pray for my heart.  I pray to be seeking people and things outside of myself.  I pray for my heart to be changed.  And I pray to see and experience a change in others.  Encouragement and loving kindness.  I pray for concern and I pray for connectedness.  I pray for continued strength in my OYC and for each of the girls I started this journey with…  I pray that I’ll continue to chase after You.

I’ll be back in a week.  Pray for the best!

Day 162

When I was younger and transitioned from not having friends to having friends, I was so happy.  I was so elated that I would go anywhere and do anything just to be with them.  Anything they wanted to do, I wanted to do, too, if it meant having them in my life.  It also meant pushing my true desires and hobbies aside to make room for theirs—but hey, I had friends.  Who cared, right?

Then somewhere along the lines I made a vow to myself and to God that, well, all that really cool stuff I wanted to do, all the stuff He blessed me with the ability of doing—I would do, friends or not.  I’ve learned to decline an invitation if saying yes means saying no to my heart.

My heart right now is follow God, but what does that mean if following God means I’m supposed to be alone?

Today Satan must’ve been standing, applauding.  My bitterness from dedication to this vow was eating away at my heart, bit by hurtful bit.  God, I thought You delivered me from this?  Why have I returned?  I thought You saved me and loved me more than this.  How long am I really meant to be alone?

You want insight to my life?  Watch Eat Pray Love.  Like Liz, I endeavor upon a journey alone, purposely, but unpurposely.  Venturing out to these places, but wishing so much that I had someone to share in these moments.

I will not downplay the loneliness.  At every turn this afternoon I watched as people—parents and children, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, friends—enjoyed the day.  Bitter thoughts and feelings twisted violently around my heart like smothering vines.  I will not downplay it, but I need to recognize how I’m growing through it and enjoying life in spite of it.

As the OYC has pulled me away from relying on men, it is starting to transform my dependency on all people.  Customers, coworkers, family, community, and especially friends—in what does my joy truly lie?

October I was delivered from a desolate place, receiving a plethora of friends from God.  November through January were sweet, sweet months of learning and growing, and feeling a part of something I’ve never before been a part of.  As February rolled in, so did my trip to California, and then I slipped into depression upon the return to Memphis, which drew me away from all those friends.  March to present day?  I’m back to square one.   And it could also be considered worse now, because in a sense I’m choosing to be alone.  The scale these days is seemingly: FRIENDS or SOMETHING I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO DO.  And while it is not easy in the least, the latter is where I've been led.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  I laughed at myself as I thought this today.  A few months ago I was laboring with how to manage a multitude of friendships, and as of today, well, that "burden" has been lifted off my shoulders.  Thanks, God, I guess?

So much can change in a few months.  And I consider this now as my Membership Ceremony with the church is next weekend.  Three months ago when I signed up, I felt sure that this is where God was calling me to be.  But as I looked out today into the crowd after service, all I saw were strangers.  I can’t feel God telling me to be here anymore.  And I can’t figure out why.  My heart has changed and I’m not so sure I’m meant to be at this church.  Where I once felt like family, now I just feel alone.

But, all things work through God and for God.

If the enemy is using this time to destruct my heart, to rip me away, to keep me alone, to hurt me, that means that God is using this time for something, too.

I asked for God to build me.  That’s what this OYC is all about, and if I forget that, I forget my purpose.  And I have to remember if this searing loneliness builds in me something happiness can not right now, so be it.  Grow me.  I have eternity for happiness, for joy.  But I can’t get there unless He gets me there.

God, whatever Your will is for my life right now, please, just help me to remember You’re in control.  Please remind me that I can trust You.  You’ve proven to me time and time again Your devout love for me and that You have my good in mind.  I pray that You keep this loneliness in my heart, because without it, I would lose the desire for community and essentially You.  And just because I don’t have community now doesn’t mean I won’t ever have it—I need to remember that.  You gave it to me once before, You can do it again.  I just have to trust Your purpose and reasoning for my life and know that whatever You have planned is far better than me bending and yielding to the will of myself.  Let me be courageous enough to follow You, to go against the grain, and to experience life—not ever really alone, but with You, always with You.  And one day You’ll provide all for which I ask.

Remember the Good:

·         Found downtown all by myself and didn’t get lost

·         Found parking all by myself

·         Walked the entire span of the festival

·         Had a crisp refreshing Bud Light

·         Ate an entire bucket of amazing crawfish

·         Laughed with the two nice families sitting around me

·         Saw the river

·         Listened to live music

·         Had the best funnel cake ever

·         Had the best lemonade ever with my favorite type of ice cubes

·         Found my way home

·         For the first time, didn’t get lost on my way home

·         Perfect weather

Day 76

I was retelling my story last night, and didn’t realize until Lauren mentioned it on her Twitter today that I was forgetting a very important part of it.

When I started searching for churches in December 2011, my first stop was Fellowship.  For a few Sundays.

And then came Christ City.

Christ City was a Godsend.  As the dust of my train-wreck-of-a-life settled, God led me there, where I may not have had the community I wanted, but The Word was more convicting than I had ever heard it.  And that’s what I appreciated, because that’s what I needed.

It was in this place, in the unlikely Minglewood Hall venue, that I felt God take my heart, reworking it in the sermons of Jonathan McIntosh, the pastor of Christ City.

The powerful, but simple songs of worship.  The passionate and grounded sermons.  The dire desire to reach out to the community.  The desperate need to be growing closer to God.  These were things I desperately needed in a church when my entire world was torn apart and I was left to find God on my own.  I had graduated from my previous stage, and God was, like, “Now you’re ready to be pounded, to be shaped.”

And that’s what He did.  I experienced Lent at Christ City and the sermons revolved around the authenticity of your love of Christ.

And man, did I question everything about myself.

I would argue that these sermons are what set my foundation for my new love of God, and put my feet on the right path.

There was the introduction in my life.  Then the loss, pushing me to move onto bigger things.  And here I am now, only steps from becoming a member of church and understanding the gospel more now than ever.

I spent several months at Christ City growing, and as it happened, it was when Tim Keller visited Memphis at Christ United Methodist that I thought of Fellowship again.  May 17, 2011 is when I heard Fellowship’s name on the roll call of churches that had helped fund Keller’s visit.  I was so excited to see Bryan that I took a picture of him as if he were a long lost friend.

It’s beautiful how God can use different churches for different experiences and life lessons.  I appreciate those experiences beyond words and can’t believe that I was so forgetful!  Thank You, God, for the pleasant reminder!  You gave me what I needed when I needed it.

Jonathan McIntosh Self Deceived 3/13/11

Jonathan McIntosh Love for Christ 3/20/11

Jonathan McIntosh Hatred for Sin 3/27/11

Jonathan McIntosh Love for Scripture 4/3/11

Jonathan McIntosh Love for Each Other 4/17/11

Jonathan McIntosh How the Resurrection Works 4/24/11

Day 64

Just like Naomi, I ended up returning to Bethlehem.

Fellowship and I just celebrated our one year anniversary not too long ago.  We had an on-and-off-again relationship.

More than a year ago, I had lost everything, leaving me in a foreign place.  God had taken me from the home I knew, and forced me to go out and search for new one.  Trying out new churches, I didn’t stay at Fellowship long, not seeing it as a house of bread, and became a transient, shuffling along again in search of a place that would meet my dire need desire for community.

You name a church in Memphis, and I’ve probably been there.

In August, I even wrote about my struggle.

It was a long nine months, and in September, I returned to Fellowship.  Maybe God wanted me to trek around for the year, so that when I came home I’d fully understand how a Biblical church looks.

And today I was reminded of what I loved about this place.  As I would learn throughout my brief stint last January, discipleship is a priority here.  Yes!  I remember shouting.  Growth!

Their goal is to grow people, so that they in turn may invest in others.  We’re not staying baby Christians here, people.  We’re not meant to not grow.

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”—Matthew 28:18-20

This is what is important to me.  Because, at the end of my time, God is going to look at the spiritual fruit in my life, and see how well I shared His love.  Don’t believe me?  Ask Lecrae:

I know y'all read the great commission.  Let me just remind y'all:

Make disciples of the nations, teach'm to obey the Lord

Have to lead someone to Christ before I face the Lord.

Send Me, Lecrae

So here I am.  After a year, my feet are just about firmly planted back in Bethlehem.  It’s been a long year to get here, but now that I’m here, I am going to use these resources.  Transformation, empowerment, and diversity.  Yes!  Transform me, empower me, so I can carry the Good News to others.  Here we go, 2012.

Day 30

He was married.  And he was touching me.

In my mind, I knew all the reasons why he shouldn’t have followed me home that day, all the reasons we should’ve stopped.

But we didn’t.

My need to be wanted overwhelmed the sanctity of marriage.  My desperateness justified my actions.

“So, what are we going to do about us?” he asked as he kissed me.

“What do you mean?  We’re going to stop,” I said.

“Why?”

“Because you’re married…and how will I ever find a husband like this?”

He laughed.  I laughed, too.  Such a sick hypocrite, but I didn't expect what he would say next.

“You’re going to be doing this even when you have a husband.”

His words cut a wound so deep they’ve stayed with me until this moment.  I had never felt lower.  That was the worst thing he, or anyone, could have said to me.  In those few words, he summed up my life.

I was a failure before marriage and I was doomed to be a failure in my marriage.  Not only was I a screw-up, but I was worthless.  I was worthless to him, and I would be worthless to every man, including the one with whom I would one day spend my life.  I accepted those lies, and bought into the beliefs that I was unworthy of love, and so I settled for a cheap imitation.  My entire life I’ve settled for cheap imitations, giving myself to men hoping to feel a semblance of love.  I let—or maybe I made myself believe it would never get any better—that I was such a terrible person that I didn’t deserve better.

Today marks Day 30 of my journey, and I never fathomed how much I could grow in 30 days.  But God is amazing.  He makes the impossible possible.

Last week was the worst week since I began this One Year Challenge.  And on Thursday, I hit rock bottom.  I felt low, lonely, vulnerable, and lost.  I was just trying to make it through my work day so I could go home and cry.

In the middle of my day, I saw someone I knew, and we made small talk like friends.  My amiableness disappeared when he asked me if he could “see” me since I wasn’t seeing anyone.  His wedding band was dull in the ugly fluorescent light surrounding us, but it burned my eyes.  I politely declined, and we said goodbye.  But he was waiting for me outside, bribing me to spend time with him.  Lunch?

“No.”

He asked for a hug.

“No.”

Then he offered to just give me money for lunch.

“No.”

I was angrier with each invitation, each request.  My disdain grew, and he finally drove away.  And I sat in my car, furious.

How could he possibly think I would do that?  How could he cheat on his wife?  Doesn’t he know his money is no good?  He can’t buy me!  How could he see me as being so low to proposition me?!  Does he think I’m a whore?!

…

That pause was God.

Jamie, is that self-worth?

I heard a gentle laugh.  And strangely, I laughed, too.

Sometimes God has to take us through the fire to shape us, mold us, grow us.

But it’s only Him and His love that can get us through it.

Day 23

Emotionally depleted tonight.  It’s Day 23, but it feels as if it’s been much longer.

God is teaching me something new about Him every day.  And in that, He’s also teaching me new things about me.

·         I like me.  I have hated myself for as long as I can remember.  I’ve wanted love for so long that I changed to try and make others love me.  After 3 weeks with God, I’m figuring out that I’m actually kind of cool—I think.  In an award way, I’m sure :)  I’m developing my sense of style—without having to wonder what a boyfriend (or boy, period) likes.  I get to be goofy, without wondering if I’m an embarrassment to him.  I get to be loving without wondering if I’m making him jealous or competing with him.  I get to spend time with my dogs.  I get to watch movies I want to watch.  I have opinions.  I know this all sounds so elementary, but I’ve tried for so long to make myself someone I’m not to earn love that I lost who I am naturally.  And now I get to be me, and in an even better way, I get to be me and know who I am with the unconditional love of God.

·         Praying for discomfort.  Ever since I read Bryan’s book, I’ve been praying for discomfort.  Now that doesn’t mean I’m not scared, because I am, but it means that I’m ready to be challenged, to grow.  And so I’ve had mean customers at work, I’ve had issues with friends, I’ve had money issues, I’ve had car issues, and now I’m going to experience having a roommate for a month!  This is my living room.

          

This is where my temporary roommate will be living :)  This is actually pretty exciting.  Two girls in a one bedroom apartment.  My friend is staying with me while her dorm is closed for winter break.  And I’m terrified (and I’ve warned her, yes) that I’m going to be a terrible roommate.  I’ve never lived with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend (pre-saved) or family (also pre-saved).  So I’m excited to grow and have my boundaries tested.

·         Friendships with men.  In addition to figuring out who I am, not-dating has opened the doors to having guys as friends.  No pressure, not looking at potential, and just seeing and valuing men for who they are and not what they could be.  Because that’s always what I’ve done.  I’ve seen a guy, seen our potential in a relationship, pursued him based off of my daydreams, and totally ignored getting to know him, because I just wanted someone to cuddle up with me.  I love that my perspective is changing.  It’s both cool and scary to feel the changes God is making to my heart.  Because I never thought I could be here, and it’s only because of Him that I am.

·         My OYC on Blogspot.  When I began this journal 23 days ago, I began it to document my journey in its completeness—happy, sad, detrimental, difficult, victories and failures—I want this to be something I can come back to and remember completely the thoughts and feelings I had.  I never anticipated anyone reading this.  But if you are here, if you are reading my words, know that I’m writing for myself, but that I am also writing for you.

If you’re my high school friend who is just curious about how I’m doing, this is for you.  If you’re an acquaintance who has never had a conversation with me, this is for you.  If you’re the person who feels alone, this is for you.  If you’re the girl struggling with self-worth and dating to sustain yourself, this is for you.  If you’re the guy struggling with sex, this for you.  If you’re the Christian who finds encouragement from another’s walk, this is for you.  If you’re the non-Christian who doesn’t understand, who rejects me, who unfriends me, who is curious, who wants to know more, but doesn’t want to feel pressured, who thinks being a Christian means you’re perfect (hah!), this is for you.  This is my life, this is who I am, and for everything it’s worth, you will know intimate pieces of my heart.  The best way I know to love someone is to tell them they’re not alone.  And, dear friend, you are not alone.  And as God would have it, in writing in this journal, I don’t feel alone.  And by giving love I now know more love than I have in the last 12 years of my life.  So thank you.