Day 76

I was retelling my story last night, and didn’t realize until Lauren mentioned it on her Twitter today that I was forgetting a very important part of it.

When I started searching for churches in December 2011, my first stop was Fellowship.  For a few Sundays.

And then came Christ City.

Christ City was a Godsend.  As the dust of my train-wreck-of-a-life settled, God led me there, where I may not have had the community I wanted, but The Word was more convicting than I had ever heard it.  And that’s what I appreciated, because that’s what I needed.

It was in this place, in the unlikely Minglewood Hall venue, that I felt God take my heart, reworking it in the sermons of Jonathan McIntosh, the pastor of Christ City.

The powerful, but simple songs of worship.  The passionate and grounded sermons.  The dire desire to reach out to the community.  The desperate need to be growing closer to God.  These were things I desperately needed in a church when my entire world was torn apart and I was left to find God on my own.  I had graduated from my previous stage, and God was, like, “Now you’re ready to be pounded, to be shaped.”

And that’s what He did.  I experienced Lent at Christ City and the sermons revolved around the authenticity of your love of Christ.

And man, did I question everything about myself.

I would argue that these sermons are what set my foundation for my new love of God, and put my feet on the right path.

There was the introduction in my life.  Then the loss, pushing me to move onto bigger things.  And here I am now, only steps from becoming a member of church and understanding the gospel more now than ever.

I spent several months at Christ City growing, and as it happened, it was when Tim Keller visited Memphis at Christ United Methodist that I thought of Fellowship again.  May 17, 2011 is when I heard Fellowship’s name on the roll call of churches that had helped fund Keller’s visit.  I was so excited to see Bryan that I took a picture of him as if he were a long lost friend.

It’s beautiful how God can use different churches for different experiences and life lessons.  I appreciate those experiences beyond words and can’t believe that I was so forgetful!  Thank You, God, for the pleasant reminder!  You gave me what I needed when I needed it.

Jonathan McIntosh Self Deceived 3/13/11

Jonathan McIntosh Love for Christ 3/20/11

Jonathan McIntosh Hatred for Sin 3/27/11

Jonathan McIntosh Love for Scripture 4/3/11

Jonathan McIntosh Love for Each Other 4/17/11

Jonathan McIntosh How the Resurrection Works 4/24/11

Day 22

Hey, Conviction, what’s up, man?  It’s been a couple days since I’ve seen you.

Yeah, I know.

Wait—what’s that you have…

Stab.

Hey, was that a knife?  What was that for?!   I hold my chest where I’ve been struck.

The racist jokes.

Stab.

Heeey, wait a minute!  I hold my side.  And that?

That was for the crude sex jokes.

Stab.  For your impatience.

Stab.  Your disparaging remarks about that other church.

Stab.  Holding onto pain.

Stab.  Judging others.

Stab.  Not committing to a church.

Stab.  Your reckless spending.

Stab.  For not trusting God.

At this point I look at myself.  Covered in blood, I grasp at my many wounds.  But as I run my fingers down the length of my body, I feel nothing.

Nothing.  Where are the wounds?

And suddenly two hands reach out to cradle my face.  It is not Conviction, but instead my confused gaze is met by eyes filled with grace, sorrow, and disappointment.

His hands direct my eyes to the ground before me.  It is not I who has taken the assault, but those around me—my coworkers, my friends, my ex-boyfriends, and people who have not yet even come into my life.

I see my coworkers, my family, my best friend, lost loves, loves that left, friends, potential friends, a potential husband, fellow Christians, and people I could have potentially saved.

Flustered, I turn to God and justify my actions.

But God, I’m from California—I’m the minority, I can joke like that!  I've always joked like that.  And my black friends?  They're the ones that joke around with me.  It’s okay if they’re okay with it, right?

What if the man I would have for you to marry is black?  Would you say those things to him and still respect him, honor him, love him?  What if your children are half-black?  Would you still find the jokes funny?  What about your cousins who are black?  What about your best friend who is black?  How can you truly love them? And I said…Ephesians 4:29. 

But the crude jokes, God—it’s funny.  That’s what she said!  Promiscuity.  Looseness.  People laugh.

What if the man I would have for you to marry has an STD?  Would you still laugh?  What if your best friend were to have an STD?  Would you still joke?  What if she has had an abortion?  What if she miscarried?  What if she lived a life devoted to sex and every time you joked about it, you hurt her, and brought her back to who she was?  What if you make her feel like less of a person and more than a failure?  Would you laugh while she cried?  And I said…Ephesians 5:4.

But God, these people are so annoying.  How can I possibly be patient?

They come to you for help.  What if you had no idea what you were doing?  What if you needed help from someone?  If you were just pushed to the side, because you were annoying, would you be okay?  What if I pushed you aside?  Have I?  Have I ever?  No.  And I said…Ephesians 4:1-3.

But God, that church isn’t serving You.  They failed me.  How can I be okay with others being misled?

I use everything.  Everything is under My control.  Whatever is before Me I can use to bring My people to Me.  When you open your mouth, it is yourself you condemn.  People do not see Christ in you when you tear down others out of your pain.  Did I mislead you?  You were saved through that church, so may others receive their salvation in the same manner.  And I said…Proverbs 16:28 and Proverbs 21:23.

But God, I can’t let the pain go.  You have not avenged me.  I must defend myself.

You want to talk about pain?  I killed My Son for you.  And I still love you.  And I said…Mark 11:25 and 1 John 4:19.

But God, I can’t help but judge.  Did You see what she wore?  Did You see her make-up?  Did You see how quickly he walked up to her, just because she’s pretty?  Did You see that unfit parent?  Did You see that snarky man?

You know not what others have endeavored nor endured.  You do not glorify Me when you tear down My children.  I have not judged you though you are but filthy rags.  I love you still.  And I said…Romans 12:10.

But God, I’ve never committed to a church.  I’m scared.  I can take my time, right?  I don’t need to be a member.  There’s no scripture about it.  I’m going to have to make an effort, and I just don’t have time or energy right now.

I committed to you.  My Son spent thirty years on earth and hung crucified on a cross to graft you into Our family.  You have responsibility to Me just as equally as you do your brothers.  And by not fulfilling one, you are failing to fulfill both.  And I said…John 3:16.

But God, did You see that sweater on sale?  What about those earrings?  And that jacket?  I need a winter jacket.

How can I trust you with much if I cannot trust you with little?  And I said…Luke 16:10 and Hebrews 13:5.

But God, I do trust You as long as there’s no risk involved.  But I’m going to take care of me, and I’ll trust You when I really need You.  I got everything else.  I’ll call You when things get uncomfortable. 

How can you not trust Me even after I gave My life to save you?  Would I go through such an extreme and then let you die?  How could I love you and not fulfill the desires of your heart?  If there’s no risk, there’s no faith.  I can’t make a disciple out of a consumer.  Am I loved by you and accepted for who I Am—the Great I Am—or for what I can give you?  Will you love me not as Job did?  Will you not trust that all I give you is for My glory, for your goodness?  And I said…Hebrews 11:11, Hebrews 11:6 and Jeremiah 29:11-13.

And as His hands leave my face, an ache fills my heart.  I can feel the separation from Christ in my thoughts, in my words, and in my actions.  Today marks my fourth week without Communion.

Grave recognition descended upon me today.  And I thank God for convicting me, because it is through this that He draws me closer to Him—and that He even desires to draw me closer at all is an overwhelming picture.

My heart must be in the right place in changing.  It would be selfish for me to change just to please Christ, because all that would result in is pride.  For my brothers, for my sisters, for my God, this is why I want to be a light.  I do not change for myself, but for those around me so that they may see Him.