Yeah, I know.
Wait—what’s that
you have…
Stab.
Hey, was that a
knife? What was that for?! I hold my chest where I’ve been struck.
The racist
jokes.
Stab.
Heeey, wait a
minute! I hold my side. And
that?
That was for the crude sex jokes.
Stab. For your impatience.
Stab. Your disparaging remarks about that other church.
Stab. Holding onto pain.
Stab. Judging others.
Stab. Not committing to a church.
Stab. Your reckless spending.
Stab. For not trusting
God.
At this point I look at myself. Covered in blood, I grasp at my many
wounds. But as I run my fingers down the
length of my body, I feel nothing.
Nothing. Where are
the wounds?
And suddenly two hands reach out to cradle my face. It is not Conviction, but instead my confused
gaze is met by eyes filled with grace, sorrow, and disappointment.
His hands direct my eyes to the ground before me. It is not I who has taken the assault, but
those around me—my coworkers, my friends, my ex-boyfriends, and people who have
not yet even come into my life.
I see my coworkers, my family, my best friend, lost
loves, loves that left, friends, potential friends, a potential husband, fellow
Christians, and people I could have potentially saved.
Flustered, I turn to God and justify my actions.
But God, I’m from
California—I’m the minority, I can joke like that! I've always joked like that. And my black friends? They're the ones that joke around with me.
It’s okay if they’re okay with it, right?
What if the man I would have for
you to marry is black? Would you say
those things to him and still respect him, honor him, love him? What if your children are half-black? Would you still find the jokes funny? What about your cousins who are black? What about your best friend who is
black? How can you truly love them? And I said…Ephesians 4:29.
But the crude
jokes, God—it’s funny. That’s what she
said! Promiscuity. Looseness.
People laugh.
What if the man I would have for you
to marry has an STD? Would you still
laugh? What if your best friend were to
have an STD? Would you still joke? What if she has had an abortion? What if she miscarried? What if she lived a life devoted to sex and
every time you joked about it, you hurt her, and brought her back to who she
was? What if you make her feel like less
of a person and more than a failure? Would
you laugh while she cried? And I said…Ephesians 5:4.
But God, these
people are so annoying. How can I
possibly be patient?
They come to you for help. What if you
had no idea what you were doing? What if
you needed help from someone? If you were just pushed to the side, because
you were annoying, would you be okay?
What if I pushed you aside? Have
I? Have I ever? No. And I said…Ephesians
4:1-3.
But God, that
church isn’t serving You. They failed
me. How can I be okay with others being
misled?
I use everything. Everything is under My control. Whatever is before Me I can use to bring My
people to Me. When you open your mouth,
it is yourself you condemn. People do
not see Christ in you when you tear down others out of your pain. Did I mislead you? You were saved through that church, so may
others receive their salvation in the same manner. And I
said…Proverbs
16:28 and Proverbs
21:23.
But God, I can’t
let the pain go. You have not avenged
me. I must defend myself.
You want to talk about pain? I killed My Son for you. And I still
love you. And I said…Mark
11:25 and 1
John 4:19.
But God, I can’t
help but judge. Did You see what she
wore? Did You see her make-up? Did You see how quickly he walked up to her,
just because she’s pretty? Did You see
that unfit parent? Did You see that snarky
man?
You know not what others have endeavored nor endured. You do not glorify Me when you tear down My
children. I have not judged you though
you are but filthy rags. I love you still. And I
said…Romans 12:10.
But God, I’ve never
committed to a church. I’m scared. I can take my time, right? I don’t need to be a member. There’s no
scripture about it. I’m going to have to
make an effort, and I just don’t have time or energy right now.
I committed to you. My Son spent thirty years on earth and hung
crucified on a cross to graft you into Our family. You have responsibility to Me just as equally
as you do your brothers. And by not
fulfilling one, you are failing to fulfill both. And I
said…John
3:16.
But God, did You
see that sweater on sale? What about
those earrings? And that jacket? I need a winter jacket.
How can I trust you with much if I
cannot trust you with little? And I said…Luke
16:10 and Hebrews
13:5.
But God, I do trust
You as long as there’s no risk involved.
But I’m going to take care of me, and I’ll trust You when I really need
You.
I got everything else. I’ll call
You when things get uncomfortable.
How
can you not trust Me even after I gave My life to save you? Would I go through such an extreme and then
let you die? How could I love you and
not fulfill the desires of your heart?
If there’s no risk, there’s no faith.
I can’t make a disciple out of a consumer. Am I loved by you and accepted for who I Am—the Great I Am—or for what I can give you? Will you
love me not as Job did? Will you not
trust that all I give you is for My glory, for your goodness? And I
said…Hebrews
11:11, Hebrews
11:6 and Jeremiah
29:11-13.
And as His hands leave my face, an ache fills my
heart. I can feel the separation from
Christ in my thoughts, in my words, and in my actions. Today marks my fourth week without Communion.
Grave recognition descended upon me today. And I thank God for convicting me, because it
is through this that He draws me closer to Him—and that He even desires to draw me closer at all is an
overwhelming picture.
My heart must be in the right place in changing. It would be
selfish for me to change just to please Christ, because all that would result
in is pride. For my brothers, for my sisters, for my God, this is
why I want to be a light. I do not change
for myself, but for those around me so that they may see Him.
