In my mind, I knew all
the reasons why he shouldn’t have followed me home that day, all the reasons we
should’ve stopped.
But we didn’t.
My need to be wanted overwhelmed the sanctity of
marriage. My desperateness justified my
actions.
“So, what are we going to do about us?” he asked as he
kissed me.
“What do you mean?
We’re going to stop,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because you’re married…and how will I ever find a
husband like this?”
He laughed. I laughed, too. Such a sick hypocrite, but I didn't expect what he would say next.
“You’re going to be doing this even when you have a
husband.”
His words cut a wound so deep they’ve stayed with me
until this moment. I had never felt
lower. That was the worst
thing he, or anyone, could have said to me.
In those few words, he summed up my life.
I was a failure before marriage and I was doomed to be a failure
in my marriage. Not only was I a
screw-up, but I was worthless. I was
worthless to him, and I would be worthless to every man, including the one with
whom I would one day spend my life. I
accepted those lies, and bought into the beliefs that I was unworthy of love,
and so I settled for a cheap imitation.
My entire life I’ve settled for cheap imitations, giving myself to men
hoping to feel a semblance of love. I
let—or maybe I made myself believe it
would never get any better—that I was such a terrible person that I didn’t
deserve better.
Today marks Day 30 of my journey, and I never fathomed
how much I could grow in 30 days. But
God is amazing. He makes the impossible
possible.
Last week was the worst week since I began this One Year
Challenge. And on Thursday, I hit rock
bottom. I felt low, lonely, vulnerable,
and lost. I was just trying to make it
through my work day so I could go home and cry.
In the middle of my day, I saw someone I knew, and we
made small talk like friends. My amiableness
disappeared when he asked me if he could “see” me since I wasn’t seeing anyone. His wedding band was dull in the ugly fluorescent
light surrounding us, but it burned my eyes. I politely
declined, and we said goodbye. But he
was waiting for me outside, bribing me to spend time with him. Lunch?
“No.”
He asked for a hug.
“No.”
Then he offered to just give me money for lunch.
“No.”
I was angrier with each invitation, each request. My disdain grew, and he finally drove away. And I sat in my car, furious.
How could he
possibly think I would do that? How
could he cheat on his wife? Doesn’t he
know his money is no good? He can’t buy
me! How could he see me as being so low
to proposition me?! Does he think I’m a
whore?!
…
That pause was God.
Jamie, is that
self-worth?
I heard a gentle laugh.
And strangely, I laughed, too.
Sometimes God has to take us through the fire to shape
us, mold us, grow us.
But it’s only Him and His love that can get us through
it.
