Day 317.

As of today I have 50 days left of my challenge.

It almost feels as if I’m cheating myself by limiting this to a dating fast.  What it really should be called is a drop-everything-you’ve-ever-held-dear-and-practice-being-obedient-and-loving-God challenge.  But somehow that’s just not as pleasing to the ear.

Today, for the second time in a week, I was called Esther.  Now, I hadn’t read Esther in about a year, so I didn’t know quite what to expect when I opened my Bible today during lunch.

For the longest time I’ve only seen myself as Gomer, nothing more.  Something ugly, something to be despised.  Something only God could love and want to redeem.

But this challenge—this challenge has given me so much.  So much I never expected to know or feel or be.  Strong in an entirely new way.

…after being twelve months under the regulations for the women, since this was the regular period of their beautifying, six months with oil of myrrh and six months with spices and ointments for women—when the young woman went in to the king in this way, she was given whatever she desired to take with her from the harem to the king's palace (Esther 2:12-13).

There are many other verses God used to touch my heart this afternoon from the book of Esther, but this one stayed with me.

A year is a long time to consistently concentrate on bettering yourself and a relationship.  But it's been worth every second.  Every tear.  Every frustration.  Because beyond all of that is success, a closeness, a trust, a reliability, an evolution of a love I never knew.  I think back to the Gomer I was, the Gomer God saved, and can only see myself through the lens of Christ now.  Not cocky or confident in myself, but more safe in and loved by Christ than I’ve ever known.

This, still, has been the most amazing experience of my life and I love my King more now than ever and I’m still learning to let Him love me.  And, boy, is it ever amazing.

Fifty days left and a lifetime to go.

Day 247

“Do you think God is blinding you right now?” she asked.

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, and we sat in the apartment pool.  Half-sunken in its cool depths, I ran my hand through the water, mulling over the answer.   The sun rippled in the undercurrent of waves, and I sat thoroughly soaking in this revelation.

In first grade, I experienced my first crush.  And ever since then, I've been hooked on love.  I had crushes all throughout elementary school and junior high, and beginning my sophomore year of high school I was never found without a boyfriend.  It was a constant cycle.

How odd that a girl who spent the majority of her life focused on the men in it should find herself without affection for the first time in decades.

Of the men I meet on a daily basis, none seem to peak my interest.  And I believe it is a mixture of God's provision and discernment.

I sense Him trusting me, releasing me to make the decisions I couldn't make before.  To tell men I know are not for me that I'm not interested—which is something I have never been able to do.  I mentioned in a past post that my self-esteem was once so low I thought I owed it to any man who lowered his standards enough to ask me, to date him.  That has definitely changed.

I find as the months continue that God places in my life two types of men.  The first being men I find physically attractive, but have not the passionate heart for God that I seek.  And the second is men who are seeking Christ fervently but lack the chemistry it takes to fuel interest in something more than a friendship.

Eight months.  Two types of men.  I think the challenge in itself is not being swept away by one or another but trusting in God for him to provide a man who is both on fire for Christ and lights a quiet fire in me.

And this is what I believe to be God's provision.  That He is indeed blinding me from a man who could potentially quench both flames while letting me exercise discernment.  At this stage, I know enough to know attraction is not the glue that holds a marriage together, and, also, that “you don't wake up to spirit,” according to Bryan, and, while that loving God is the most important of factors, it is not the sole determinant in finding a husband or a wife.

Weeks later, intrigued and curious, her question has remained on my mind.  I wondered how much of this hiatus from seeking and being sought was dumb luck and how much of it was God’s hand.  As I prepared for quiet time today, question still on my heart, I opened my Bible.  Isaiah was presented before me and my eyes read:

I nodded in understanding as I reread His words.  And the vision of all this has become to you like the words of book that is sealed.  When men give it to one who can read, saying, “Read this,” he says, “I cannot, for it is sealed” (Isaiah 29:11).

I'm not quite sure what's to come at the end of this challenge or who, if anyone, will be presented to me by our Father.  All I know is it's not meant to be known.

I'm more than halfway through my book and with only chapters left to go, to suppose its end now would be cheating myself.  God wants me to succeed, He's rootin' for me.  So, through this blindedness, I say I see more clearly than ever before in that I trust my Father wholeheartedly with what's to come.

I'm excited to see what He'll reveal and I know He's just as excited, watching from high, as I push forward, pursuing His will for my life.  And who knows, if there is a future husband out there, maybe God's watching as he does the same.