Day 231

"Well, look who it is..."

Actually, I may not have said anything at all.  I think I burst into laughter from an uncomfortable disbelief.

My ex's picture flashed on the screen as I brought up an online dating site.

Reminiscent of how we met four years ago, though he refused to admit to anyone the truth of how me met, his picture stared at me.

And I laughed.  And I knew then that I would not be meeting anyone online.  If ever there was a sign from God, this was it.  I could hear Him saying, "Why?  Why would you do this all over again?  Do you not trust Me?"

Okay, God, this was all I needed.  I'm leaving this whole dating thing up to You when it comes time.  I'm not going to do anything, because this, to me, is You saying, Hold on, I got this.  This isn't how you need to meet someone.


And today, as I lounged around with a friend by the pool, I just started thinking about life.  And in it, I saw the little things, little promises from God.

"Never again..."
"I will..."
"He will.."

Safe to say I don't know how God is going to bring him to me.  I don't know when, by what means, or who it will be.  (Or if anyone, and if no one, it's amazing that I'm good with that, too!  Talk about milestone!)

Those questions are no longer burdens.

And I can't say enough how much this year has changed my life and my perspectives.

I have had an amazing summer so far, and there is so much to come.

Florida.

New Orleans.

Sardis Lake.

Suzanne's birthday.

My birthday.

Fort Worth.

September.

And that's not to mention the little things.  Like Moe's on Thursdays.  New local restaurants on Wednesday. Having a beer with a group of friends.  Going out to Shelby Farms with the dogs.  Sitting at the pool.  Sitting in my car during lunch and resting.

My heart is so full.  The fullest its ever been.  And everything every day is changing me.  From the people who walk into my life, from the books I read, from the sermons I hear, from what I see on TV, from what I experience.  And I can't imagine what other amazing and challenging things are to come.

God, please keep growing me and challenging me.  Please hold me up when I'm low.  Please remind me of Your love for me every day.  Wake me with your steadfast love so that I may be satisfied in You daily.  Please keep bringing new people in my life.  Remind me of the grace You've given me so that I may give grace continually.  Remove the irritation, the anger, the resentment.  Keep changing my heart.  And keep reminding me of how it is ALL in Your Hands!

Day 177

At about 7:11 pm Friday evening, I had hit my breaking point.

All day had been bad—all week had been bad.  On the verge of an emotional breakdown, I wanted to crumble.  I wanted to throw in my heels and get back into my car and drive home.

But I didn’t.

Instead I walked through the door of a house on Rozelle Street, and instantly melted.

A rainbow of rose petals layered the floor, dim lighting from floating candles shadowed the room, and faces of beautiful young women surrounded me.  I recognized many of the women from church, and scattered in between them were men—not just men, but men who had dressed themselves in the robes of servants for the night in honor of Valentine's Day.  Brothers serving their sisters.

Dinner was the first part of the evening.  The men brought our meals to us as we talked, and then cleared our plates as we finished.  After a dessert of cheesecake squares, we were escorted outside.  Limos awaited.  We were taken for a short cruise around town while the men set up for what was to come next.

The limos headed downtown.  It was as the Memphis bridge came into focus that I sat quietly, drinking in the earlier moments and savoring the lights before me.  I had never seen the bridge like this, and I knew I would never again see it in this way.  This night was one never to be recreated.

On our arrival back, I still felt dazed, overwhelmed, by the complete surrender of the men.  Quiet, chivalrous, attentive, it was a world I had never seen and never thought I would experience while here on earth.

The men took our coats as we filed back into the house.  When we walked in, we were met with a dance floor, which is where we spent the rest of night.

Each act so deeply appreciated and treasured, I think all the women were grateful.  And as we danced the last dance, my heart overflowing with joy and wonder, I could not escape the deep feeling of gratitude.  For the men, for God who had created them, and for the women whose hearts were as light as mine.

It was an amazing evening, and a moment in time I will treasure always.

I wrote this two months ago after an unforgettable night.  Words scribbled on the back of a church bulletin, I wanted to remember every moment.

Rereading this, it feels as if it was just yesterday.  It is so vivid in my mind how the evening unwound.  I felt so blessed and so thankful.  I have some amazing brothers in Christ, and I am so grateful to God for sharing them with me—for letting me experience love in such a pure way.

It took a long time to get here, to a point where I stopped objectifying men and started trusting them—trusting in their love for God—where six months ago, I didn’t.  I didn’t want to and I didn’t think any man was worth trusting.  I didn’t expect to ever be able to trust them.  And here I am now, being loved and loving them as my brothers.

Each day I spend with a guy friend, I am encouraged.  I am encouraged by him, and by how God is opening my heart.  I get to see God working in their lives, in their hearts.  I get to see how they treat other women, other men.  I get to be loved with no ulterior motives, and I get to love without ulterior motives.

I think that’s why I was so scared to be single.  I used to equate special moments as only being possible being in love, and I thought being single meant that special couldn’t exist—that I’d be missing out.

But every day He’s reminding that “special” exists anywhere.  In small moments just as in big moments.  In any friendship.  In any place.  At any time.

There’s a possibility to love in every moment, thanks to Christ.  All I have to do is seize the opportunity, and know that the only way I will miss out is if I surrender to missing out.  It has nothing to do with being single or not.

And because of that, "single" isn’t so scary anymore.  Every day is a new adventure.  And, actually, I have more love today than I've had in all my years to dating.  Thanks be to God for His hand in my life, opening my heart, creating friendships, and creating within His children hearts for Him. 

Though, let me not deceive you, these 177 days have been trying and difficult.  But also, more importantly, oh so blessed.  The rewards far outweigh the trials, and continue to do so.

And something tells me the best is still yet to come.

Let brotherly love continue (Hebrews 13:1).

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

Day 134

“She couldn’t erase the last ten years…not even a hundred dawns like this, not even a thousand, would change what was.  The truth was there forever, just like Duke said in the dream.  You can’t get away from it.  No matter how hard you try, you can’t escape the truth.  Her mouth curved into a sad smile, and her soul ached.  Maybe this man was all he seemed.  Maybe he meant every word he said, but she knew something he didn’t.  It was never going to be the way he wanted it.  It just couldn’t happen.  He was a dreamer.  He wanted the impossible from her.  Dawn would come for him, too, and he would awaken.  Angel didn’t want to be anywhere around when he did.”

This is an excerpt from the book Redeeming Love, given to me a couple months ago by Lauren.

After today’s sermon at church and reading the chapter that held these words, I began to cry.  God has been speaking to me so much lately.

In this challenge I’ve played on the swing-saw.  I want to be married.  No, I don’t want to be married.  Back and forth, back and forth, depending on my mood and everything around me.

I think today God really showed me it’s not a matter of want.  It’s something else.  Something else inside of me that makes me feel like I would be a burden to anyone who dared to love me.

I see the single life as a contest.  And with so many other contestants out there who are more beautiful, more intelligent, more career-driven, making more money—where would I stand in the ranks?  I can never be good enough to be married.  My brother, my family, my health, my lack of a college degree, all of these are enough to throw me from the contest of being loved.  I give up, resign, because it’s easier than waiting, than rejection, than wishing for something that may never come.

To love me would be to sacrifice everything, I say.

And I’m just not worth the sacrifice.

And so I try to make myself believe that I don’t want marriage…just to make the not-having-it easier.

Then I hear God saying, But that’s what love is—it is sacrifice!  And if marriage is supposed to reflect the relationship of Christ and the church on earth, it’s all about sacrifice.  Jamie, why wouldn’t you let anyone sacrifice for you?

Sitting in church, we watched the life of a pastor and his family play out before us.  We watched him interact with his sons and with his wife as a family.  The sight almost made me cry.

I want a God-fearing man.  I want a father who will teach and guide his children.  I want to be a team, encouraging our family to grow and love deeply.  I want that type of family.  And when I saw it on the screen today, my heart almost imploded.  It’s possible, I heard a voice say.  See?  Everything you thought impossible, possible.

It doesn’t have to be like it was.  Your life doesn’t have to be what it was.  You can love, and be loved, and sacrifice, and be sacrificed for.  You can have a husband who gives every effort to love you as Christ loved the church, and doesn’t aim to hurt or damage you to build his self-esteem.  You can be a loving wife who can be more than just a sexual partner.  Your words, your passion, your love can mean something.

It’s possible.

But only if you’re open to it.

I walk a little further in this challenge each day.  I hurt a little more to hurt a little less.  I examine different memories so I can create better ones.  I relive moments to be at peace with them, so that next time I don’t make the same decisions.

I’m growing, God.  With Your help and the relationships You’ve put in my life, and the experiences I keep experiencing, You’re growing me.  And maybe one day I will understand what sacrifice truly is, and maybe one day I’ll be open to love, and I’ll leave the days of Angel behind me.

Day 35

"Please don't burn us!"

I don’t bake.

I don’t bake.  I don’t cook.  I don’t decorate.  I hate folding laundry.  I hate washing dishes.  Yeah, you want to marry me, I know.  I’m the wife of your dreams.

So what am I doing tonight?

I did laundry.  I washed the dishes.  I decorated.  I’m cooking.  I’m baking.  Or at least I’m trying.  Those little guys are probably burning while I type this!

So why the sudden domestication?

Company tomorrow.

My Sunday night group is convening at my place.

I owe it to them to try.  I owe it to myself.  I owe it to God.  Not just in the sense of baking—though if I pull this off it’ll be amazing—but because this is the season for me to try new things.

Dressing the way I want to dress.  Listening to music I want to listen to.  Hanging out with people I want to hang out with.  Finding hobbies that I love.  Pushing myself to live.

I’ve spent my entire life unhealthily revolving around men.

I’ve let them decide my schedule, my diet, my friends, my hobbies—even my interior design.  I just went with the flow, and going with the flow meant not having a style all my own, or having responsibilities, because all of that was taken care of for me.

Don’t want to cook?  Let’s go out to eat.  Don’t want to buy new sheets?  Let me buy you sheets.  That painting sucks.  That TV isn’t big enough.  That dress doesn’t look good on you.

So I changed.  I resigned.  And I got lazy.  Okay, you pick for me, because it’s easier than fighting.

So tonight, I’m trying out new things.  Adding new things to my Jamie-resumé.  In a few minutes I’ll know if the cookies Iiiiiiiiiiiiii made came out tasting like gingersnaps.  In the morning, I’ll know if the stew I made came out not-disgusting.

And if they didn’t, then try, try again.

And if they did, I guess there’s more to being me than I thought.

Day 23

Emotionally depleted tonight.  It’s Day 23, but it feels as if it’s been much longer.

God is teaching me something new about Him every day.  And in that, He’s also teaching me new things about me.

·         I like me.  I have hated myself for as long as I can remember.  I’ve wanted love for so long that I changed to try and make others love me.  After 3 weeks with God, I’m figuring out that I’m actually kind of cool—I think.  In an award way, I’m sure :)  I’m developing my sense of style—without having to wonder what a boyfriend (or boy, period) likes.  I get to be goofy, without wondering if I’m an embarrassment to him.  I get to be loving without wondering if I’m making him jealous or competing with him.  I get to spend time with my dogs.  I get to watch movies I want to watch.  I have opinions.  I know this all sounds so elementary, but I’ve tried for so long to make myself someone I’m not to earn love that I lost who I am naturally.  And now I get to be me, and in an even better way, I get to be me and know who I am with the unconditional love of God.

·         Praying for discomfort.  Ever since I read Bryan’s book, I’ve been praying for discomfort.  Now that doesn’t mean I’m not scared, because I am, but it means that I’m ready to be challenged, to grow.  And so I’ve had mean customers at work, I’ve had issues with friends, I’ve had money issues, I’ve had car issues, and now I’m going to experience having a roommate for a month!  This is my living room.

          

This is where my temporary roommate will be living :)  This is actually pretty exciting.  Two girls in a one bedroom apartment.  My friend is staying with me while her dorm is closed for winter break.  And I’m terrified (and I’ve warned her, yes) that I’m going to be a terrible roommate.  I’ve never lived with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend (pre-saved) or family (also pre-saved).  So I’m excited to grow and have my boundaries tested.

·         Friendships with men.  In addition to figuring out who I am, not-dating has opened the doors to having guys as friends.  No pressure, not looking at potential, and just seeing and valuing men for who they are and not what they could be.  Because that’s always what I’ve done.  I’ve seen a guy, seen our potential in a relationship, pursued him based off of my daydreams, and totally ignored getting to know him, because I just wanted someone to cuddle up with me.  I love that my perspective is changing.  It’s both cool and scary to feel the changes God is making to my heart.  Because I never thought I could be here, and it’s only because of Him that I am.

·         My OYC on Blogspot.  When I began this journal 23 days ago, I began it to document my journey in its completeness—happy, sad, detrimental, difficult, victories and failures—I want this to be something I can come back to and remember completely the thoughts and feelings I had.  I never anticipated anyone reading this.  But if you are here, if you are reading my words, know that I’m writing for myself, but that I am also writing for you.

If you’re my high school friend who is just curious about how I’m doing, this is for you.  If you’re an acquaintance who has never had a conversation with me, this is for you.  If you’re the person who feels alone, this is for you.  If you’re the girl struggling with self-worth and dating to sustain yourself, this is for you.  If you’re the guy struggling with sex, this for you.  If you’re the Christian who finds encouragement from another’s walk, this is for you.  If you’re the non-Christian who doesn’t understand, who rejects me, who unfriends me, who is curious, who wants to know more, but doesn’t want to feel pressured, who thinks being a Christian means you’re perfect (hah!), this is for you.  This is my life, this is who I am, and for everything it’s worth, you will know intimate pieces of my heart.  The best way I know to love someone is to tell them they’re not alone.  And, dear friend, you are not alone.  And as God would have it, in writing in this journal, I don’t feel alone.  And by giving love I now know more love than I have in the last 12 years of my life.  So thank you.