“She couldn’t erase the last ten years…not even a
hundred dawns like this, not even a thousand, would change what was. The truth was there forever, just like Duke
said in the dream. You can’t get away
from it. No matter how hard you try, you
can’t escape the truth. Her mouth curved
into a sad smile, and her soul ached.
Maybe this man was all he seemed.
Maybe he meant every word he said, but she knew something he didn’t. It was never going to be the way he wanted
it. It just couldn’t happen. He was a dreamer. He wanted the impossible from her. Dawn would come for him, too, and he would
awaken. Angel didn’t want to be anywhere
around when he did.”
After today’s sermon at church and reading the chapter
that held these words, I began to cry.
God has been speaking to me so much lately.
In this challenge I’ve played on the swing-saw. I want to be married. No, I don’t want to be married. Back and forth, back and forth, depending on
my mood and everything around me.
I think today God really showed me it’s not a matter of
want. It’s something else. Something else inside of me that makes me
feel like I would be a burden to anyone who dared to love me.
I see the single life as a contest. And with so many other contestants out there
who are more beautiful, more intelligent, more career-driven, making more money—where
would I stand in the ranks? I can never be good enough to be married. My brother, my family, my health, my lack of a college degree, all of these are enough to throw me from the contest of being loved. I give up, resign,
because it’s easier than waiting, than rejection, than wishing for something
that may never come.
To love me would be to sacrifice everything, I say.
And I’m just not worth the sacrifice.
And so I try to make myself believe that I don’t want
marriage…just to make the not-having-it easier.
Then I hear God saying, But that’s what love is—it is sacrifice! And if marriage is supposed to reflect the relationship
of Christ and the church on earth, it’s all about sacrifice. Jamie, why wouldn’t you let anyone sacrifice
for you?
Sitting in church, we watched the life of a pastor and
his family play out before us. We
watched him interact with his sons and with his wife as a family. The sight almost made me cry.
I want a God-fearing man.
I want a father who will teach and guide his children. I want to be a team, encouraging our family to grow
and love deeply. I want that type of family. And when I saw it on the screen today, my
heart almost imploded. It’s possible, I heard a voice say. See? Everything you thought impossible, possible.
It doesn’t have to
be like it was. Your life doesn’t have
to be what it was. You can love, and be
loved, and sacrifice, and be sacrificed for.
You can have a husband who gives every effort to love you as Christ
loved the church, and doesn’t aim to hurt or damage you to build his
self-esteem. You can be a loving wife
who can be more than just a sexual partner.
Your words, your passion, your love can mean something.
It’s possible.
But only if you’re
open to it.
I walk a little further in this challenge each day. I hurt a little more to hurt a little
less. I examine different memories so I
can create better ones. I relive moments
to be at peace with them, so that next time I don’t make the same decisions.
I’m growing, God.
With Your help and the relationships You’ve put in my life, and the
experiences I keep experiencing, You’re growing me. And maybe one day I will understand what
sacrifice truly is, and maybe one day I’ll be open to love, and I’ll leave the
days of Angel behind me.
