Day 219

I don’t know when it happened.

Maybe it was when Ava started crying…
And I realized that I could be a part of a child’s life without having to be a mom.  Holding her and loving on her gave me so much joy.  And if I never have kids, I can still love the children of those around me like I have the heart of a mom.  I can still experience smiles, laughs, heartbreaks, and love.

Maybe it was when we went shopping…
And I realized that even though I don’t have a large group of friends, God gave me a friend who can make me laugh, cares about me, and we can just chill and shop at Target and grab dinner and relate to one another in a very chill, laid back way.  That’s all I ever wanted—a friend who can encourage me and listen, but also shoot the breeze.  We don’t always have to have deep conversation, sometimes we can just enjoy the little things in life.  If I never have a big group—the “family” I imagined, that’s okay.

Maybe it was when I realized time changes everything and nothing…

Sitting across from her on the sofa, I came face to face with all the struggles we had gone through separately, and realized that being apart didn’t matter.  I can still be so close to someone even if it’s been years since I’ve seen them.  Maybe I realize some friendships don’t really dissolve even if it seems like time has taken us away from each other.  That friendship is still there, waiting to shine light and love in future situations in amazing ways.

Maybe it was when she walked into a room of family and friends…

And I realized I was a part of it.  I was loved enough to share in a special moment.  I felt special.  And I felt blessed to stand by as she and her new fiancé told their engagement story.  Again, I realized, quality over quantity.  And if one person loves me right now, then the gape in my heart should be a little less.

Maybe it was when he smiled at me…

And I realized I felt safe.  I felt safe with him, plus all my other guy friends.  I realized I am happy.  I’m happy being single.  I’m happy to have such great men in my life who devote their hearts to Christ.  I’m blessed to watch as these friends begin to date—to watch them pursue women and honor them.  It gives me hope one day that I should find a man who treats me likewise.  And I like having my guy friends—no pressure to be something I’m not, because there are no expectations.  I can appreciate them as a sister does a brother, no threat from either side of unwanted feelings.

And as I watch the world around me, I realize there's some happiness in me.  Though there are everyday annoyances and a heart that one day longs to be loved by one man, I am happy.  I’m happy not dating, I’m happy as a single girl, I’m happy as a friend, I’m happy as an employee.  I don’t have everything I want, but I have everything I need right now.

And now’s the time to soak it up.  Every.  Single.  Moment.  Enjoy the friendships.  Enjoy the rain.  Enjoy the small trips.  Enjoy the time alone.  Enjoy the cup of coffee.  Enjoy being goofy.

And that is exactly what I’m going to do.

Who’s with me?

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice (Philippians 4:4).

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure (Psalm 16:9).

Day 134

“She couldn’t erase the last ten years…not even a hundred dawns like this, not even a thousand, would change what was.  The truth was there forever, just like Duke said in the dream.  You can’t get away from it.  No matter how hard you try, you can’t escape the truth.  Her mouth curved into a sad smile, and her soul ached.  Maybe this man was all he seemed.  Maybe he meant every word he said, but she knew something he didn’t.  It was never going to be the way he wanted it.  It just couldn’t happen.  He was a dreamer.  He wanted the impossible from her.  Dawn would come for him, too, and he would awaken.  Angel didn’t want to be anywhere around when he did.”

This is an excerpt from the book Redeeming Love, given to me a couple months ago by Lauren.

After today’s sermon at church and reading the chapter that held these words, I began to cry.  God has been speaking to me so much lately.

In this challenge I’ve played on the swing-saw.  I want to be married.  No, I don’t want to be married.  Back and forth, back and forth, depending on my mood and everything around me.

I think today God really showed me it’s not a matter of want.  It’s something else.  Something else inside of me that makes me feel like I would be a burden to anyone who dared to love me.

I see the single life as a contest.  And with so many other contestants out there who are more beautiful, more intelligent, more career-driven, making more money—where would I stand in the ranks?  I can never be good enough to be married.  My brother, my family, my health, my lack of a college degree, all of these are enough to throw me from the contest of being loved.  I give up, resign, because it’s easier than waiting, than rejection, than wishing for something that may never come.

To love me would be to sacrifice everything, I say.

And I’m just not worth the sacrifice.

And so I try to make myself believe that I don’t want marriage…just to make the not-having-it easier.

Then I hear God saying, But that’s what love is—it is sacrifice!  And if marriage is supposed to reflect the relationship of Christ and the church on earth, it’s all about sacrifice.  Jamie, why wouldn’t you let anyone sacrifice for you?

Sitting in church, we watched the life of a pastor and his family play out before us.  We watched him interact with his sons and with his wife as a family.  The sight almost made me cry.

I want a God-fearing man.  I want a father who will teach and guide his children.  I want to be a team, encouraging our family to grow and love deeply.  I want that type of family.  And when I saw it on the screen today, my heart almost imploded.  It’s possible, I heard a voice say.  See?  Everything you thought impossible, possible.

It doesn’t have to be like it was.  Your life doesn’t have to be what it was.  You can love, and be loved, and sacrifice, and be sacrificed for.  You can have a husband who gives every effort to love you as Christ loved the church, and doesn’t aim to hurt or damage you to build his self-esteem.  You can be a loving wife who can be more than just a sexual partner.  Your words, your passion, your love can mean something.

It’s possible.

But only if you’re open to it.

I walk a little further in this challenge each day.  I hurt a little more to hurt a little less.  I examine different memories so I can create better ones.  I relive moments to be at peace with them, so that next time I don’t make the same decisions.

I’m growing, God.  With Your help and the relationships You’ve put in my life, and the experiences I keep experiencing, You’re growing me.  And maybe one day I will understand what sacrifice truly is, and maybe one day I’ll be open to love, and I’ll leave the days of Angel behind me.