Day 344

Just ask him how he made it

He'll tell you faith and sweat

And the heart of a faithful woman

Who never let him forget

Be a best friend, tell the truth

And overuse "I love you"

Go to work, do your best

Don't outsmart your common sense

Never let your prayin' knees get lazy

And love like crazy

—Love Like Crazy, Lee Brice

I think this song truly epitomizes for who my heart is longing.

Day 344.  How did I make it this far?  How has it gone by so quickly?  How have I been able to change so much?

I am just in awe of this last year of my life, and know that it’s only the beginning.  I diligently disciplined myself through Christ’s love and grace and am such a different girl than I was so many days ago.

I think people shortchange this challenge.  They don’t really get what all goes into it.  You get what you put into it.  If you don’t change your inside and expect the outside to change, well, my friend, that’s a poor attitude that will get no one nowhere.

I looked through my treasure box today, running my fingers over mementoes.  Stuff I never thought I’d do, I did.  Stuff I didn’t want to, I did with a joyful heart.  I’ve received so much through this—from Him.  Selfishly, yeah, this challenge was about bettering myself, being a better, happier person, but He used it in so many ways—ways I couldn’t even imagine, because I was open.

People think, “Oh, you’re just not dating…that’s easy.”  But internally, there’s a shift.  You learn how to operate around the opposite sex, how to channel your mind into reality, not fantasy.  You learn to wait.   Patience is a learned virtue.  You practice obedience.  You don’t say things you want to say when the Spirit leads you not to say them.  You say things you don’t want to say when you’re guided by the Spirit to say them.  I have put more work into this than anything else in my life.

This challenge was to kill my idol, to rid myself to validation through men, sex, and relationships.  To heal from the hurt caused from living knowingly and without obstruction in judgment with sin.  To forgive myself, to forgive others, to lower my expectations and to raise them.  To love Christ and God the Father completely and faithfully.  To trust His will above the desires of my own.

I went from having a man validate my entire existence to not needing a man at all.  Not physically.  Not intimately.  Not emotionally.  Not needing in a sense of my whole being depending upon them.  And for someone who spent 27 years of their life like that—that’s a comeback right there.  A comeback by the hand of Christ who lifted the shackles from my wrists, unbound my heart tethered to Satan’s lies, and lifted me from the unrealistic, wholly-healing fantasies of love and marriage.

One day I might be married.  Now, I might not be—but chances are someone is going to come along who reminds me what it feels like to fall in love.

My story will not be an easy one for him to hear, I’m sure, but what he’ll know is that I spent time, effort, energy—that I invested in him long before he came to me.  I invested myself in my Father, my Savior, my Redeemer, which flows into a beautiful river of loving and respecting others when it pierces your heart so unshakably.             

With 22 days left, I plan to spend them diligently wrapping up this year with Him, my ever-present Father.  And it is so wonderful to know that unlike any other relationship in my life, this one has no expiration date.  There is no break-up where He wounds my heart.  There is no realization that He’s not “the one”—because He’s The One.  And I will spend the rest of my life following Him, doing my best to bring honor to His name, loving those around me that He has sent to me, and being loved by Him.

What better reward to a dating fast is there than a man who will never leave you…never forsake you…and Who has given His life for you?

None, I say, and know this truth better every dying day.

Day 243

Rewatching the sermon series that started it all, North Point's Andy Stanley's The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating.  And I’m beginning to think, just like Bryan says there are books that he chooses to read once a year, it’s in my best interest to remind myself the values, direction, and suggestions Andy shares.

It’s hard to believe almost eight months have passed.  It’s been an amazing time.  Below are quotes from the sermons that began changing my heart.  They are packed full of wisdom, so these singular quotes don’t do them justice, but maybe it’ll offer an inkling of what stirred the fire in my heart.

·   Part 1, The Right Person Myth: She grew up in a religious home...She came to Atlanta and immersed herself in the singles dating culture...She's at this gathering, and...she met this guy.  And said this guy was, like, the total package.  The looks, the job, the personality.  As she began to listen to him talk, it was apparent he was Christian.  And not only was he a Christian, he was figuring out and committed to living out his faith in his job, living out his faith in his relationships, living out his faith in his dating relationships...Mature, good looking, and as she talked to him it brought back memories of some of the things she put on the backburner...She left that party, just wow...this guy, this guy, this guy...she goes home, and she starts telling her mom about this guy, and she's going on and on about how good-looking is he, and how he's Christian...and she said that her mother turned to her and said, "Sweetheart, the problem is, a guy like that is not looking for a girl like you."  She said she literally fell to the floor in a puddle of tears, and she cried and she cried and she cried, because she knew her mom was absolutely right. She said that was a defining moment for her as a single person. A defining moment where you know what, she's right...that guy that I'm looking for...he's not looking for someone like me.  In that moment, she decided life change, priorities changing, values changing, friendships changing.  I'm going a different direction with my life.

·   Part 2, Gentleman's Club: Jesus came along, He got it all started.  He got all those guys together and He said...I'm going to tell you something new.  John, get your pen out.  Now here it is, write this down.  New command, love one another—yeah, you in the back?  Even the women?  Even the women, there's no difference.  You talking about romantic love?  Not like a romantic love, but love one another as I have loved you...you're supposed to love one another.  Even the girls?  Yeah, shut up, even the girls.  I want you to look around this room, you have slaves, free people, you got all these people.  When you get together I want you to give equal love, concern, honor and respect to each other regardless of if they're slave, free, male, or female...all...Love one another as I have loved you.  By this the rest of the world will know that you're my follower...that you have love for one another.  By this, by the fact that you give this kind of honor and esteem to people regardless of their sex and regardless background, will tell the world, uh oh, something new is going on, by this one thing, people will know you're my follower.  That you love one another.  Men, do you know what that means?  Every single woman you are ever eyeball to eyeball with, in the office, in your studio, where you work, where you play, the neighborhood association, your mother-in-law, your wife's sister...every woman you’re eyeball to eyeball with, your Savior, who died for you, said, oh, by the way here's how I want you to treat her—I want you to love her like I love you...every time you're eyeball to eyeball with a woman you are looking at someone who is not only made in the image of God, you are looking at someone for whom Jesus Christ gave His life...be careful how you treat her.

·   Part 3, Designer Sex: Wait a minute, nobody's uniting, we're just having sex.  This little Greek word you've used here, Paul, this means like glue, like superglue, like permanent, like bonding, like intertwine, like scrambled eggs, like eggs and grit, like can't be sorted out, like permanent.  When I went down to the temple to have sex with the prostitute, I wasn't uniting with anybody...it was just a physical one-time thing.  I paid her a fee, we had a little religious ceremony, a little private thing, and I'm back, nobody's uniting with anybody.  Paul's over there going, 'That's because you don't understand sex—that when you have sex with a person there is a sense of permanence.  You become one with that person.'  One?  I didn't even know his name!  Again it was Spring Break, I wasn't trying to become one!  I was just kind of doing what my girlfriends did.  And Paul said, 'See that's the thing, you don't know.  Nobody told you.  It's not just physical.'  It's as deep, as soullish, and as personal as anything imaginable and God designed it that way, and you were designed to become one with one and when you continue to become one with person after person after person you damage your intimacy factor...you disconnect sex what it was intended for...and ladies, over time, you will become numb, and you will wonder why your husband can't awaken in you that which you expected.

·   Part 4, If I Were You: Every Saturday, in this city and cities all around, single people make promises that they can’t keep.  They mean to, it’s just that they make promises they are not prepared to keep.  Three, four weeks, or three or four months in, they realize, I know this is what I said, but this is hard, I really did mean it.  I meant it when I said it.  And…people get married and make vows they can’t fulfill, they just aren’t prepared.  And the reason they aren’t prepared is, when it comes to relationships promises are no substitute for preparation.  If you’ve ever entered a long distance race, you know all about this.  It’s one thing to sign up for the race, it’s another thing to prepare for it.  What determines if you finish the race…it’s whether or not you’ve prepared…When it comes to relationships, people think, ‘I can promise my way past my lack of preparation.’  Just because you say I do doesn’t make you able…Just because you say I do doesn’t make you capable…it only makes you accountable…and when you’re accountable for something you’re not capable of doing, it makes you miserable.

I’m not usually that person who pushes things, but, seriously, this sermon series is one of the best things we young singles can hear.  I strongly encourage anyone reading this to invest some time and listen to the series.  I’m eight months in—being single hasn’t killed me, much to everybody’s disbelief.  I am more full, more satisfied, more focused on Christ than I have ever been.  Doubt me?  There’s only one way to find out for yourself…

And Andy has four words for us:

Considerate it.  Do it.  Be the change.


(As a PS, here is a Google link to other sites of OYCers who took on Andy's challenge and survived!)

Day 224

My favorite weddings are the ones where the bride and groom are goofy.  The type of couple that just laugh at life—those are the people I love to watch marry.

Because I promise you, my groom and I will be cutting up on our wedding day.  I might trip awkwardly down the aisle, laugh as we say our vows, smash cake in his face, breakdance on the dance floor, and laugh hysterically through it all.

That’s one of the many things I’m searching for as I grow up.  Just someone I can laugh with.  After the romance dies down, I want to know I’m marrying my best friend.  The person who doesn’t take life so seriously.  The person who can laugh at himself.

I know we’ll be different in so many ways, but I ask that God makes us compatible in two:

1.       Let our senses of humor feed off one another.

2.       Let him be the type of person who has “never met a stranger.”

I see so many good things for my life.  I see myself serving and helping and meeting so many new people, and I want him to be right there with me.

Right now I’m watching Friends with Benefits.  Now, I’m not pro-friends-with-benefits, nor have I ever been—but to watch the friendship/relationship that develops between Jamie and Dylan really just reminds me that I want that.

That laughter.  That baring your soul.  That freedom to joke.  The fun.  It’s fun to watch them.  And I pray for that.

I’ve heard from a lot of people that the closer you get to thirty, the more you know yourself.  The more secure you are in you.

And that has definitely been true for me.  I know more about myself now than I ever have.  I’m more confident.  More secure.  I know what I want and what I won’t settle for anymore.

And that reminds me that being single will always be better than settling.  And I’ll keep my heart open for that guy who comes along who can be my best friend, my lover, and my husband.

Though this is Memphis, where barbecue abounds, I know I’m somebody’s rib...and eventually he'll find me :)

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD (Proverbs 18:22).

Day 219

I don’t know when it happened.

Maybe it was when Ava started crying…
And I realized that I could be a part of a child’s life without having to be a mom.  Holding her and loving on her gave me so much joy.  And if I never have kids, I can still love the children of those around me like I have the heart of a mom.  I can still experience smiles, laughs, heartbreaks, and love.

Maybe it was when we went shopping…
And I realized that even though I don’t have a large group of friends, God gave me a friend who can make me laugh, cares about me, and we can just chill and shop at Target and grab dinner and relate to one another in a very chill, laid back way.  That’s all I ever wanted—a friend who can encourage me and listen, but also shoot the breeze.  We don’t always have to have deep conversation, sometimes we can just enjoy the little things in life.  If I never have a big group—the “family” I imagined, that’s okay.

Maybe it was when I realized time changes everything and nothing…

Sitting across from her on the sofa, I came face to face with all the struggles we had gone through separately, and realized that being apart didn’t matter.  I can still be so close to someone even if it’s been years since I’ve seen them.  Maybe I realize some friendships don’t really dissolve even if it seems like time has taken us away from each other.  That friendship is still there, waiting to shine light and love in future situations in amazing ways.

Maybe it was when she walked into a room of family and friends…

And I realized I was a part of it.  I was loved enough to share in a special moment.  I felt special.  And I felt blessed to stand by as she and her new fiancé told their engagement story.  Again, I realized, quality over quantity.  And if one person loves me right now, then the gape in my heart should be a little less.

Maybe it was when he smiled at me…

And I realized I felt safe.  I felt safe with him, plus all my other guy friends.  I realized I am happy.  I’m happy being single.  I’m happy to have such great men in my life who devote their hearts to Christ.  I’m blessed to watch as these friends begin to date—to watch them pursue women and honor them.  It gives me hope one day that I should find a man who treats me likewise.  And I like having my guy friends—no pressure to be something I’m not, because there are no expectations.  I can appreciate them as a sister does a brother, no threat from either side of unwanted feelings.

And as I watch the world around me, I realize there's some happiness in me.  Though there are everyday annoyances and a heart that one day longs to be loved by one man, I am happy.  I’m happy not dating, I’m happy as a single girl, I’m happy as a friend, I’m happy as an employee.  I don’t have everything I want, but I have everything I need right now.

And now’s the time to soak it up.  Every.  Single.  Moment.  Enjoy the friendships.  Enjoy the rain.  Enjoy the small trips.  Enjoy the time alone.  Enjoy the cup of coffee.  Enjoy being goofy.

And that is exactly what I’m going to do.

Who’s with me?

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice (Philippians 4:4).

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure (Psalm 16:9).

Day 148

“The man who makes me laugh will easily find his way into my heart.”

This is what I want for you.

I heard His voice as I watched her walk down the aisle to him, giggling.

This is what I want for you.

I heard Him again as they laughed and danced their way back down the aisle to Walking on Sunshine.

This is what I want for you.

They laughed as they made their first entrance as husband and wife.

They laughed during their first dance.

They laughed as they cut their cake.

Laughing, laughing, laughing, enjoying each other.

And I just kept hearing God, This is what I want for you.

And I don’t know when it clicked, but it did and I thought, Hey, I want this, too.

I want someone who will laugh with me.  Someone I can enjoy life with, side by side, as my best friend.  Someone not too scared to be goofy with me.  Someone not scared to be different and funny and lighthearted, and intentionally seeking joy.

This is the happiness I want for you.  Jamie, you love to laugh.  I know this about you, because I created you.  Everything you are, I made.  You have a heart that is meant for someone to appreciate, someone to nurture it and the joy inside it.  These last relationships, though full of meaningful lessons, were never made to work.  They didn’t make you smile, they didn’t make you laugh.  It was, indeed, very much the opposite.  You smile so much now.  And I want you to recognize this.  You will spend the rest of your life smiling, laughing, and feeling the joy of the blessings I bestow upon you.  But, I do not promise you a husband.  Instead I promise that you will live a life filled with joy and laughter.  And I would rather you be single and have this freeness in life, than, like Bryan said, be leashed to a love unworthy of you. Because though you may find moments of sadness in solitude, nothing is sadder than settling for someone.  Take comfort that this is My plan, and cling to the importance of joy.  For if you so decide to trade that joy for a spouse that doesn’t fit, it will be a sad day for not only you, but Me.

And I do take comfort in that—so much comfort.  Because He is right.  I’ve laughed more in the last four months than I have throughout entire relationships.   If my options were to be single and happy or be married and miserable, I would rather be happy.  Not that those are my only options, because they’re not—but, they are if I settle.  If I settle just to have someone in my life, I am surely taking the lesser of the two routes.

And knowing this, hearing this from Him in this way, watching the wedding yesterday, I feel more at peace with God’s plan for me…whatever it may be.

For you are our glory and joy (1 Thessalonians 2:20).

Day 62

“I just came home for lunch and about a half hour before I came home I was helping your friend from school, One.  He was coming to pick up a package, and he said, ‘How’s Jamie doing?  Is she going to be coming home any time soon for a visit?’  And I said, ‘As a matter of fact, she’s coming at the end of February,’ and then he said something about it would make him feel better if he could talk to you and apologize to you for the way he was back in school.  And that’s all he said, so I said I’ll pass the word along in case you don’t get to talk to her.  So that’s what I’m doing, I’m just passing it along.  Take it for what it’s worth.  I’ll talk to you later, honey.  Have a good day.”

My mother, who works at USPS, left me a voicemail.  I never, in a million years, would have guessed that these were the words I would've heard.

And, actually, my ears couldn’t make out any words after I heard ‘apologize.’

Tears flooded my vision.

Before I could even process why, I was sobbing.

An apology from my first boyfriend—my first love, my first heartbreak.  He was the Romeo of my lifetime.  My parents hated him, his parents hated me.  And at some point, he grew to hate me, too, and was very public about it.  We were both young, and the hurt was great.  After he graduated, I never saw him again, but the trauma remained.

An apology.

An apology?

After ten years, an apology.

At any point over the last 4,380 days he could’ve apologized, when I felt like I needed it, deserved it.  But on today, the 4,381st day, walking around like a free woman, free of my chains and shackles, that’s when it comes.

Do you see the beauty in that?

I spent a decade hating someone.  And I spent a decade angry, because I felt like I deserved an apology.  The day after I come to forgive, the day after I let go, the day after I was freed, I get this beautiful voicemail  offering the one thing I desperately wanted for the last 10 years.

And God said, “You only thought you needed it.  Now I give it to you when you have no expectations, no standards, no demands.  I give it to you when you have been freed, and because you let it go, because you’re free, you appreciate its beauty so much more.  It’s not a scale-balancer.  It’s not an apology that was purchased with the pain to which you clung for so long.  It’s not a transactional exchange, where you gave to get something.  You gave it to Me.  You trusted Me.  And now you receive this, a free gift.”

Faithful?  Even after this, I still can’t fathom just how truly faithful God is.  Every day He proves His love for me.  And this was one of the sweetest, most amazing moments of my life.  Thank you, One.  Thank You, God, for this gift.  God is amazing.

After ten years of deep-pitted resentment.

After 61 days of actively searching out forgiveness.

After 1 day of having let it all go.

This moment is far beyond anything I could have dreamed.