Day 364

It's you and me, kid.  Messy room and all.

Even with all the romantic comedies I’ve been watching lately, I have no desire to date.

It’s strange.  You would think I’d be chomping at the bit.

But I’m not.

I’m happy being single and really am not looking for anything after my challenge is complete.

I hope people do not judge the fruit of the challenge by what happens after the challenge.  I don’t want women to look as if the year was a failure if I remain dateless and, in turn, ringless.

Where I was compared to where I am now is a completely different and worthy treasure received from this time of fasting.  If I do not start dating right away, that in itself is more a testament to what this challenge has brought me.

To a place where I will never settle.  That’s the testament to God.  That He is enough, and my soul not only says it is well, but sings that it is more than enough.

The results are not whether or not it results in the having a husband.  The results are how I carry myself in the meantime, knowing Christ is my end, not just my beginning.  And that a husband is not my all, as it once stood, not a definition of happiness.

The Lord gives gifts every day, and a husband would be no more than a gift from Him, offering just as much joy as any other walk of life.

Single and joyful.

Married and joyful.

Two possible routes.  One common denominator.  One underlying Factor.  And that Factor, as great and as gracious as He is, has shown me that if it is the latter, that equation’s results will be set upon a foundation built with someone worth having waited for rather than settling for someone because I couldn’t wait.

And that is an argument in semantics worth having, because it makes all the difference in the world.

Day 340

The view from the plane on my way home.

I’m comfortable being single.

I missed my one-month-left-iversary while I was away in California without my laptop.

So, I say now that I am full of joy in this place where God has me, and do say that if this were my cup for this life, I would take it upon myself to drink any gifting from God.

This does not mean the desire in me is dead.  And I know, because on the off-chance that a very handsome man in an airport who offers a smile in my direction—a smile given in any other place at any other time would invite conversation—that it still causes my heart to stir and my cheeks to flush.

Yes, the desire to be someone’s lover, servant, and wife remain inlaid on my heart, as does the stronger desire to serve God.

After about a year of challenging yourself from restraining from an idol, you realize the great gift of all gifts is Him, and that anything that comes from Him is a secondary gift.

Whether I wed, whether I remain but a single girl—gifts.  Both gifts.  And really this year has been the unblinding of this knowledge—not a shift in desires, for they remain—but to heed His love above all else, knowing that His love is all sustaining—solely sustaining.

I do not have to be at a certain place at a certain time with a certain man for my will to be done.  My will is irrelevant unless it aligns with His.

I do not know what should happen in a month’s time—and don’t need to.

That is yet still part of my amazingly unhinging journey and I thank Him every day for His doing.

Day 270

"Girls don't know what they want," my friend said tonight.

And I think he's right.

A lot of times we don't know what we want.

Our minds change constantly.

Happy about being single.  Sad about being single.  Flip out when a guy asks me out.  Then feel sad the guy I want to ask me out hasn't asked me out.  Single.  Dating.  Fasting.  Happy.  Sad.  Upset.  Gah, shoot me already.

You know what, I'm happy single.  I'm happy in this season of my life.  It's so hard to fight the flesh.  But I'm happy in this moment.  And I've decided to figure out my indefinite singleness after my challenge is definitely up.

So there, emotions.  Take that.

Day 265

Tonight I rewatched The Dark Knight—yeah, I know, I’m a terrible American for not watching the Olympics Opening Show, sue me.

But this is what I realized.

I realized love—love feels like what happens when Harvey realizes Batman is saving him instead of the love of his life.  When he realizes that’s the last time he’ll ever hear Rachel’s voice again.  Love is that painful gripping sensation that sometimes makes you wish your heart would just stop beating.  Howling pain.

I’ve come to believe that love doesn’t exist.  Not for me.

As I stood in my kitchen while baking tonight, I glanced at my ticket hanging on my fridge to 12.

Single.

Meant to be single all my life?

Single.

It wouldn’t be so painful, except it is.  Every day there is a new couple, another wedding, an engagement.  At some point you would think I would run out of friends, but it hasn’t happened yet.  It doesn’t make me any less happy for them.  I love seeing pictures of their trips, beautiful rings, happy smiles on their special day, that first profile picture posted on Facebook after the announcement of a new official relationsihp—every ounce of me loves seeing my friends happy and in love.  I think it’s the contrast that hurts.

As I see more, moving farther, I stand still, watching the world pass me by.

But, like Harvey Dent, there are two sides to me.  Part of me is okay with it.  Part of me is okay with being alone.  Tonight’s movie made me think of past relationships, and how much they hurt and how afraid I am of being in another one.

Fear.

One side of my pendulum is loneliness.  And on the other is fear.

Both elements leave me wonder if I’ll ever wear a different title. 

And does it really matter if I do?  I don’t want it to matter.  But...

A little more than 100 days left of the OYC and sometimes, just sometimes, I feel as if I’m right back where I started.

Single single single single single

She single for the night all her life

Single single signle single single signle

I'm single for the night all my life

—Single, Yo Gotti

Day 243

Rewatching the sermon series that started it all, North Point's Andy Stanley's The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating.  And I’m beginning to think, just like Bryan says there are books that he chooses to read once a year, it’s in my best interest to remind myself the values, direction, and suggestions Andy shares.

It’s hard to believe almost eight months have passed.  It’s been an amazing time.  Below are quotes from the sermons that began changing my heart.  They are packed full of wisdom, so these singular quotes don’t do them justice, but maybe it’ll offer an inkling of what stirred the fire in my heart.

·   Part 1, The Right Person Myth: She grew up in a religious home...She came to Atlanta and immersed herself in the singles dating culture...She's at this gathering, and...she met this guy.  And said this guy was, like, the total package.  The looks, the job, the personality.  As she began to listen to him talk, it was apparent he was Christian.  And not only was he a Christian, he was figuring out and committed to living out his faith in his job, living out his faith in his relationships, living out his faith in his dating relationships...Mature, good looking, and as she talked to him it brought back memories of some of the things she put on the backburner...She left that party, just wow...this guy, this guy, this guy...she goes home, and she starts telling her mom about this guy, and she's going on and on about how good-looking is he, and how he's Christian...and she said that her mother turned to her and said, "Sweetheart, the problem is, a guy like that is not looking for a girl like you."  She said she literally fell to the floor in a puddle of tears, and she cried and she cried and she cried, because she knew her mom was absolutely right. She said that was a defining moment for her as a single person. A defining moment where you know what, she's right...that guy that I'm looking for...he's not looking for someone like me.  In that moment, she decided life change, priorities changing, values changing, friendships changing.  I'm going a different direction with my life.

·   Part 2, Gentleman's Club: Jesus came along, He got it all started.  He got all those guys together and He said...I'm going to tell you something new.  John, get your pen out.  Now here it is, write this down.  New command, love one another—yeah, you in the back?  Even the women?  Even the women, there's no difference.  You talking about romantic love?  Not like a romantic love, but love one another as I have loved you...you're supposed to love one another.  Even the girls?  Yeah, shut up, even the girls.  I want you to look around this room, you have slaves, free people, you got all these people.  When you get together I want you to give equal love, concern, honor and respect to each other regardless of if they're slave, free, male, or female...all...Love one another as I have loved you.  By this the rest of the world will know that you're my follower...that you have love for one another.  By this, by the fact that you give this kind of honor and esteem to people regardless of their sex and regardless background, will tell the world, uh oh, something new is going on, by this one thing, people will know you're my follower.  That you love one another.  Men, do you know what that means?  Every single woman you are ever eyeball to eyeball with, in the office, in your studio, where you work, where you play, the neighborhood association, your mother-in-law, your wife's sister...every woman you’re eyeball to eyeball with, your Savior, who died for you, said, oh, by the way here's how I want you to treat her—I want you to love her like I love you...every time you're eyeball to eyeball with a woman you are looking at someone who is not only made in the image of God, you are looking at someone for whom Jesus Christ gave His life...be careful how you treat her.

·   Part 3, Designer Sex: Wait a minute, nobody's uniting, we're just having sex.  This little Greek word you've used here, Paul, this means like glue, like superglue, like permanent, like bonding, like intertwine, like scrambled eggs, like eggs and grit, like can't be sorted out, like permanent.  When I went down to the temple to have sex with the prostitute, I wasn't uniting with anybody...it was just a physical one-time thing.  I paid her a fee, we had a little religious ceremony, a little private thing, and I'm back, nobody's uniting with anybody.  Paul's over there going, 'That's because you don't understand sex—that when you have sex with a person there is a sense of permanence.  You become one with that person.'  One?  I didn't even know his name!  Again it was Spring Break, I wasn't trying to become one!  I was just kind of doing what my girlfriends did.  And Paul said, 'See that's the thing, you don't know.  Nobody told you.  It's not just physical.'  It's as deep, as soullish, and as personal as anything imaginable and God designed it that way, and you were designed to become one with one and when you continue to become one with person after person after person you damage your intimacy factor...you disconnect sex what it was intended for...and ladies, over time, you will become numb, and you will wonder why your husband can't awaken in you that which you expected.

·   Part 4, If I Were You: Every Saturday, in this city and cities all around, single people make promises that they can’t keep.  They mean to, it’s just that they make promises they are not prepared to keep.  Three, four weeks, or three or four months in, they realize, I know this is what I said, but this is hard, I really did mean it.  I meant it when I said it.  And…people get married and make vows they can’t fulfill, they just aren’t prepared.  And the reason they aren’t prepared is, when it comes to relationships promises are no substitute for preparation.  If you’ve ever entered a long distance race, you know all about this.  It’s one thing to sign up for the race, it’s another thing to prepare for it.  What determines if you finish the race…it’s whether or not you’ve prepared…When it comes to relationships, people think, ‘I can promise my way past my lack of preparation.’  Just because you say I do doesn’t make you able…Just because you say I do doesn’t make you capable…it only makes you accountable…and when you’re accountable for something you’re not capable of doing, it makes you miserable.

I’m not usually that person who pushes things, but, seriously, this sermon series is one of the best things we young singles can hear.  I strongly encourage anyone reading this to invest some time and listen to the series.  I’m eight months in—being single hasn’t killed me, much to everybody’s disbelief.  I am more full, more satisfied, more focused on Christ than I have ever been.  Doubt me?  There’s only one way to find out for yourself…

And Andy has four words for us:

Considerate it.  Do it.  Be the change.


(As a PS, here is a Google link to other sites of OYCers who took on Andy's challenge and survived!)

Day 232

This week has taken me back months and years, bringing women into my life struggling with relationships, break-ups and idols.  I look into her sorrowful eyes, recognizing a fractured heart that seems like it will never be healed.  I see into her soul, recognizing the raw longing to be loved here on earth.  I listen to her words and remember the cycle of break, cling, despair, repeat.  I have lived through it.  I know where they walk, because I’ve walked the same path.

It took nearly seven months of sacrifice to find myself in a place content and satisfied in Christ—a place that seems light-years away from a newly broken heart or an addict who has spent their life relapsing into relationship after relationship.

As I prayed last night, as the ache covered my heart for my sisters, I found myself promising God, “God, if I can be a role model for single women—if I can be someone they look to, seeing joy can exist in a life without a husband, then let me single.”

It was maybe the most difficult prayer I’ve ever prayed.  But the most earnest as well.

I’m not so lonely at night anymore.  I don’t miss texts at the beginning of the day.  I don’t ache for texts at the end of the night.  I don’t crave attention.  Happiness doesn’t rely on affection.   I opened myself to God and trusting Him and what came was a whirlwind of promises, hope, and realizations.  One being that He is all I need.

I feel as if I’m on the edge of deep canyon.  I’m on one side, and I see women—my hurting, aching sisters, my comrades—on the other side.

“I’m here!  I made it!” I want to scream.  “I made it through the starvation, the thirst, the sunburns, the stench, the heat, the cold, the rain, the dark nights—but I’m here!  It’s possible!  Keep going!”

All that I am right now, praise be to the Holy Spirit for His help in my life.  I didn’t do it alone—heck, I didn’t do anything.  I let Him take the wheel.  The reason I’m on the other side of the canyon is because I sacrificed.  I trusted Him.  I let Him lead.  I merely followed.

It’s not impossible.  Nothing is impossible with Christ.  I am proof, sisters!  I am flesh and blood proof that you can possess joy without possessing a ring.

I so desperately want to show Christian women that there is more to life than wedding bells.  Thanks to Eve for biting the apple—child birth and a longing for our husbands.  Great.  Good job, Eve.  Screwed us all.

No!  It doesn’t have to be that way.

Here’s the reality.  The church, the world, our own hearts put a lot of emphasis on marriage and becoming a person someone would want to marry.  In my life, I meet women in their sixties and seventies who were never married.  Get that?  Never married.  This is a reality, it may not happen.

What will you choose to do with information?

Sulk?  Be angry with God?  I encourage you, do those things.  But afterwards, when emotions have settled, vow to live a life that’s glorifying to Him regardless of what—or who—you have.

And that’s as simple as opening your heart to The One Who made it.

The greatest gift-giver.  The most talented artist.  The deepest lover of your soul.  The everlasting father.  The breath-taking poet.  Our Savior.

I come to you not self-righteous, praising the challenges I have overcome—for I have overcome nothing without Christ.  From a deep hurt, I praise only God for the change in my heart, sisters.  I come to you from a place of empathy, crying out that there is healing to be had, hope to be if only you would let it overtake you.  Until you give God the clay, you’re stuck with dirt.  But in His hands, it’s the most awe-inspiring piece of art we could ever see.  Be art.  Have joy.  Live for him—the right Him.

I love you.  And I’m praying for you.

Good night, and better days ahead.

Day 230

A year and a half ago I thought my soul was going to break into a million little irreconcilable pieces.

Here I stand, amazed and intrigued by God's work in my heart.

Through a series of events today, a final thought flashed in my mind:

I'm content.


Oh, snap.  What?

I'm content being single.


I'm content not searching out a husband.


I'm content being free from my past of dependency.


I content seeking out God's will.


No, not just content...elated and joyous!


I thought of the many people who are in my life today and just felt grateful for their presence.  Each and every one like a puzzle piece suited to my heart.

Praise Jesus for these people.  Praise God for his unwavering love.  How this change has occurred in me I do not know.  All I know is that it has, and, while I may want a husband, it does not rule over me anymore.

Not like it did where I wept for weeks over a lost relationship.  Not like it did when I gave myself to men for attention.  Not like it did when how I dressed, what I said, where I went depended on who of the opposite sex was going to be there for me to flirt with....

Nooooo.  And I just can't explain the freedom in that!  I can't say in words how much He has changed me.  I can't say how thankful and grateful and indebted I am to Him for ALL He has done.

And I pray the same for my other single women friends.  I wish that they too would know the joy of being single and standing with Christ.  I wish that while that ache may remain that they find satisfaction in life as is.

I stand on the other side, saying it is possible.  It is plausible.  It is more than what I can express in words.

And if we're never meant to marry, women among me and afar, I pray that God blesses you with a passion that fulfills and compels your compassionate heart.  I pray that you are so filled by Him that the desiring of a husband is but a mere afterthought.  I pray that whatever your niche...children, seniors, minorities, continents, callings...I pray that your hearts aches fully for those causes and is driven by the desire to bring glory to Him.  I pray past relationships play no part except reconciliation and recovery.  I hope hearts bear witness to those around you that there is joy in NOT SETTLING.  I pray that women, in a sisterhood, band together and know that sitting on a porch in rocking chair with lemon pepper wings and a freeze cup with a best friend or god-child is the culmination of a life well lived and a God well served, where He can look back and say, "I could ask nothing more from you, My child.  I adore you and love you."

Day 226

I may be single forever.


This was my thought as I perused ChristianMingle.com.  Because, yes, I wanted to see what's out there.

This was my thought as an old man sat in a chair and said he had never been married.  Because I realized at 65, I could very well be saying that.

This was my thought as 16 new engagement pictures popped up on Facebook of friends of friends, and how I could see them I have no idea.  Because I realized that may never be me.

Ah, ripe 27.  More like rotten, past prime and wrinkly 27.  Part of me thinks if I'm not married by now it's safe to say I will never be.

I look at Christian relationships and marriages now and I realize that in the south if you're not married by your early twenties, heck, at 18, you have to really put forth a great amount of effort to find the one.

Some marry their high school sweethearts.

Some go to college to get their MRS.  (Yeah, never heard that before I moved to the south.  Gag.)

It's not so much my happiness and joy are dependent on being married, because they're not.

But on mornings like this morning, sometimes I wake up and think, "Man, it would be nice to wake up in somebody's arms."

Or, "It would be nice to be kissed right now."

Or, "It would be nice to cuddle on the couch."

Or, "It would be great if I had a boyfriend so he could intimidate the jerks who normally hit on me and protect me."

Or a grand multitude of things that I would like to share with somebody as I grow old.

But most Christian guys are married.  Or focused on other points of life.  Or still too immature.  Or not ready.  Or gay and struggling.  (I'm not putting it all on the men here...because women have an array of things that cause them to be unavailable, too.)

It's been 9 months since I've kissed anyone.  It's gotten to the point where I can't watch TV or movies without looking away during kissing scenes.  Why?  Because it's freaking hard not to want that stuff even more when I see it.

Why?  Why, God?  That's the only question I have.

And I know it won't be answered in a night.

And I'm not complaining.  Just documenting this feeling.  Because sometimes, yes, it's a struggle.

Oh, Eve...why did you bite the apple?

Day 211

It seems the further along the OYC progresses, the further away are my desire and hope to be a wife.

A weekend in New Orleans can certainly change a person.  And along with the OYC, God definitely used this city to peel away layers of my heart.

And the more layers of my heart He plucks away, the more I find out who I am and who I am in Him.

I walked casually down Decatur and Bourbon and Canal.  I stopped on street corners to listen to bands.  I perused the bar scene for local music.  I dined at local restaurants, savoring every taste, every flavor.  The city was alive and it ignited something inside of me.

It was talking to the bartender.

It was talking to the local store owner.

It was talking with the hotel staff.

It was walking along the river at night.

It was the street musicians and magicians.

It was the amazing food and delicious drink.

It was finding my own style at the limitless boutiques.

Everything.  Everything incited deep thought and meditation.  But nothing more than the walk down Bourbon Street.

It was there I felt my need to help peak.  I looked on through the crowds and at the almost-naked hostesses at gentlemen’s clubs.  How desperately I wanted to say, to do anything.

Every day the desire to learn, to develop, to be able to talk about the gospel with people, with complete strangers, grows.

And every day it grows I feel as if my hope and desire for marriage shrinks.

As I transform into a Jamie I barely recognize, marriage is pushed farther and farther down on my list.  With my heart growing for missionary work, how does a husband—much less a family—fit into such an equation?

Will a husband want his wife proselytizing in the streets instead of housewifing in the suburbs?

It seems less likely every day that I will fit into a man’s mold.  But that’s okay.

Because God has a mold for me.

And every day, I find myself accepting of the realization that what God is calling me to do may very well not include a husband or a family.

I could go on in life as a single woman, ministering to those around me, in a ministry more powerful as an unmarried woman.  And if that is to be the case, shouldn’t I want the way that gives God more glory?

I think of the faces I saw this weekend.  I think of hurting hearts and unsaved souls, and know deep down that if God is calling a single girl to save lives, then so be it.

I don’t know God’s plan for my life.  But I do know the direction He’s calling me.  And husband or not, I want to follow Him, trusting His design for my life.

Day 178

“You’re beautiful…so why are you single?”

The inevitable question/backhanded compliment I receive almost daily at work.  My coworkers have stopped keeping tallies it happens so often.

I feel the need to clarify: I don’t think I’m beautiful.  I’m average, at best.  In fact, I think it’s some sick joke of Satan’s that my looks are brought my attention every week day.  It’s either Satan wanting me to feel uglier than I am or God wanting me to feel more beautiful than I think I am.

Whatever it is, let’s humor the question tonight.  Working for a corporation I don’t get to share my beliefs and say what I want to say, representing a “brand.”  So what would I answer if I could answer how I wanted to answer?  It would probably go something like this...

I’m single because God wants me to be.  Not because of looks, brains, or money—but because God just doesn’t want me to be married.  It’s not the right time.  My heart isn’t in the exact place God wants it to be before he introduces me to the one and I have a lot of growing and maturing to do spiritually and emotionally before I even consider dating, much less marriage.  I have to prepare myself, and pray that if I am to have a husband, that he is preparing himself for me, too.

OR, it could also be that…

God’s calling me into the missionary field and probably doesn’t think a family is in my best interest.  I am nowhere near Abraham status, willing to sacrifice my children, and He probably sees me serving Him more as a single woman than a wife or a mother.

Neither of those are really viable American culture.  But those are my answers.  And who really knows what God’s answer is?  He has a plan that is far beyond my understanding, and all I know is I’m resting in His hands.  Whether He’s busy preparing my heart for a husband or for missions, I’ll trust in Him, knowing that whatever He has planned for my life, it is good, and He is sufficient.

So…why am I single?

Three words.

Only God knows.

And, really, that is good enough for me.