Day 344

Just ask him how he made it

He'll tell you faith and sweat

And the heart of a faithful woman

Who never let him forget

Be a best friend, tell the truth

And overuse "I love you"

Go to work, do your best

Don't outsmart your common sense

Never let your prayin' knees get lazy

And love like crazy

—Love Like Crazy, Lee Brice

I think this song truly epitomizes for who my heart is longing.

Day 344.  How did I make it this far?  How has it gone by so quickly?  How have I been able to change so much?

I am just in awe of this last year of my life, and know that it’s only the beginning.  I diligently disciplined myself through Christ’s love and grace and am such a different girl than I was so many days ago.

I think people shortchange this challenge.  They don’t really get what all goes into it.  You get what you put into it.  If you don’t change your inside and expect the outside to change, well, my friend, that’s a poor attitude that will get no one nowhere.

I looked through my treasure box today, running my fingers over mementoes.  Stuff I never thought I’d do, I did.  Stuff I didn’t want to, I did with a joyful heart.  I’ve received so much through this—from Him.  Selfishly, yeah, this challenge was about bettering myself, being a better, happier person, but He used it in so many ways—ways I couldn’t even imagine, because I was open.

People think, “Oh, you’re just not dating…that’s easy.”  But internally, there’s a shift.  You learn how to operate around the opposite sex, how to channel your mind into reality, not fantasy.  You learn to wait.   Patience is a learned virtue.  You practice obedience.  You don’t say things you want to say when the Spirit leads you not to say them.  You say things you don’t want to say when you’re guided by the Spirit to say them.  I have put more work into this than anything else in my life.

This challenge was to kill my idol, to rid myself to validation through men, sex, and relationships.  To heal from the hurt caused from living knowingly and without obstruction in judgment with sin.  To forgive myself, to forgive others, to lower my expectations and to raise them.  To love Christ and God the Father completely and faithfully.  To trust His will above the desires of my own.

I went from having a man validate my entire existence to not needing a man at all.  Not physically.  Not intimately.  Not emotionally.  Not needing in a sense of my whole being depending upon them.  And for someone who spent 27 years of their life like that—that’s a comeback right there.  A comeback by the hand of Christ who lifted the shackles from my wrists, unbound my heart tethered to Satan’s lies, and lifted me from the unrealistic, wholly-healing fantasies of love and marriage.

One day I might be married.  Now, I might not be—but chances are someone is going to come along who reminds me what it feels like to fall in love.

My story will not be an easy one for him to hear, I’m sure, but what he’ll know is that I spent time, effort, energy—that I invested in him long before he came to me.  I invested myself in my Father, my Savior, my Redeemer, which flows into a beautiful river of loving and respecting others when it pierces your heart so unshakably.             

With 22 days left, I plan to spend them diligently wrapping up this year with Him, my ever-present Father.  And it is so wonderful to know that unlike any other relationship in my life, this one has no expiration date.  There is no break-up where He wounds my heart.  There is no realization that He’s not “the one”—because He’s The One.  And I will spend the rest of my life following Him, doing my best to bring honor to His name, loving those around me that He has sent to me, and being loved by Him.

What better reward to a dating fast is there than a man who will never leave you…never forsake you…and Who has given His life for you?

None, I say, and know this truth better every dying day.

Day 340

The view from the plane on my way home.

I’m comfortable being single.

I missed my one-month-left-iversary while I was away in California without my laptop.

So, I say now that I am full of joy in this place where God has me, and do say that if this were my cup for this life, I would take it upon myself to drink any gifting from God.

This does not mean the desire in me is dead.  And I know, because on the off-chance that a very handsome man in an airport who offers a smile in my direction—a smile given in any other place at any other time would invite conversation—that it still causes my heart to stir and my cheeks to flush.

Yes, the desire to be someone’s lover, servant, and wife remain inlaid on my heart, as does the stronger desire to serve God.

After about a year of challenging yourself from restraining from an idol, you realize the great gift of all gifts is Him, and that anything that comes from Him is a secondary gift.

Whether I wed, whether I remain but a single girl—gifts.  Both gifts.  And really this year has been the unblinding of this knowledge—not a shift in desires, for they remain—but to heed His love above all else, knowing that His love is all sustaining—solely sustaining.

I do not have to be at a certain place at a certain time with a certain man for my will to be done.  My will is irrelevant unless it aligns with His.

I do not know what should happen in a month’s time—and don’t need to.

That is yet still part of my amazingly unhinging journey and I thank Him every day for His doing.

Day 320

I was flipping through my calendar and entering in events.

My girls’ group, September 29th.
Heading to California, October 4th.
The Color Run, October 13th.
My friend speaks at her church, October 21th.

My friend’s birthday, November 3rd.

And it seems surreal that the end of my OYC is almost here.

Tuesday, November 6th.

Crazy.  I can’t believe it’s almost been a year.  The end will be here before I know it.

With everything else that has been going on, I haven’t thought about it much.  But today, I did.

I’m both terrified and encouraged.  As much as you train for something, there are variables to everything—so many unknowns.  But I’m encouraged, because I know for what I’ve been training and changing and focusing and how He will not lead me down the wrong path.  And as long as I stay close to Him, I’ll be okay.  He’s shown me that lately.

Recently, I’ve nicely turned down some really nice men—some Christian, some not—who don’t know about the challenge, but it wasn’t because of the challenge that I said no.  It was because of the guys.  Because I knew that we weren't like-minded enough in what drives us closer to God, and He gave me the freedom to make the decision on my own.  I didn't feel the "rules" of the challenge weighing on me as much as I did the knowing of not being equally yoked.

I know my husband and I won’t be compatible in many ways, but I’m continuing to learn what exactly is important to me.  And if the guy who pursues me isn’t ministry-minded, well, then, there’s no point in wasting time for either of us.

As people continue to ask me what is it I’m looking for, for a husband, I really don’t have an answer.  No specs.  I don’t even say, “I’ll know it when I see it,” because chances are, I won’t.  It’s simply a matter of trusting God and being patient.

Even though the challenge ends in six weeks, I am in no rush to figure it out.

Day 299

Customer: “Hey, is that a wedding ring on your finger?”

Me: “Sir, for one, it’s on the wrong hand, and, two…we had this same…conversation…last week.  Nothing’s changed.”

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When I tell people about the OYC, the banner that waves is usually taken for SINGLENESS—which isn’t bad, but it’s just that the scope is so much wider than that.

This challenge has given me so much more than just a contentment with being single.  It’s given me confidence.

Confidence in Christ.  Confidence in the Holy Spirit.  Confidence in God.  Confidence in myself.

Knowing Christ gave His life for me.  Because He loves me.

Knowing the Holy Spirit is with me, guiding me.  Present in every moment, every decision.

Knowing God loves me enough to bear both the burdens and the blessings He gives.

Knowing I’m loved and saved and my life is for the glory of God, and it is not worthless, but full of worth.

I trust Him because He loves me.  I love Him, not just because He loves me, but how He loves me.

My best friend said, “If you do this One Year Challenge as a task—as a list to check off—don’t do it, because inevitably you’ll fail.”

And she’s right.  It takes effort.  A lot of effort.  I have never more consciously, conscientiously, and consistently prayed about and paid attention to my actions and words.

But it’s all worth it.

Biting your tongue in love.  Walking away in love.  Sacrificing in love.  Humbling yourself in love.

What this OYC is, isn’t just an adjustment.  It’s training.  And if you are not ready or able to train yourself to be better, do not commit.

I’m only at month 9.75 and I have learned and developed so much.  I wouldn’t trade this experience for a husband—which is something, 9 months ago, I would have never said.  And I get to talk with, minister to, and advise single women who come into my life about this, and that is in itself a blessing.  To see where I once stood, to walk through the same pain and doubt, to do my best to tell them that joy in life is not from the having or unhaving of a husband.

There are far too many blessings of which to be thankful to God, and a far more many things to which we can commit should our singleness be our ultimate servitude to Christ.

I’m living proof that being single and loving God doesn’t kill you.

But it will make you stronger, if you are willing and obedient to follow God down either path.

Day 83

Every day has its own challenges, accomplishments, joys and trials.  I am about a week away from my three-month mark and it is just now that my strength is a little...weak.

I miss flirting.  I miss the butterflies.  I miss someone reaching out to hold my hand.

But I also know those things will mean so much more when I step out of this challenge, free from the spirit of dependency and selfishness.  I know, as a sinner, I’ll battle selfishness forever, but I hope that my dependency will find itself in God’s hands alone and not on a man.  Until that point—until I can say, “God, I find my worth in You and You alone”—any dating I could or would do would only be damaging to both me and the other party.

A few weeks ago, I was asked some questions about the OYC.  I compiled a list of some that people have asked along the way.  These are great reminders for times like now, and my answers help remind me of what will come from this journey.  Here we go.

Three hundred and sixty-six days is a long time…what if someone asks you out?
In 2 months, no one has asked me out.  Which is unusual, because it went from being a daily occurrence—albeit from men twice my age—to nada, zip, zilch.  When I started this challenge I prayed that God would protect me, and He has done a great job of doing so, not only protecting me from random-come-ons, but giving me healthy doses of male friendship instead of unhealthy crushes.

What if you miss out on an opportunity?

God’s will is God’s will.  If He is to have me marry someone, my timeline doesn’t compute with His work.  I can’t change God’s will for my life, and there is plenty of reassurance in trusting that.

What if you start liking someone?

God has really opened my eyes to see how failed crushes and failed relationships pan out.  If you date someone and it doesn’t work out, you better be able to say goodbye to the life you had with them and their friends.  The idea of losing the male friendships I have developed has helped me keep my eye on November 6, 2012.  These friendships are so precious and I know God is teaching me so much through them that it’s not worth the risk of liking (and therefore losing) any of them.  God is protecting these relationships, and letting me enjoy this developmental time, because I know when I’m married, these opposite-sex friendships will not possess the same depth they do now.

Do you really expect to find the right guy after this?

My expectation is that I will be in a healthy place—a place with boundaries, standards, and direction.  I believe that I’m not going to settle for someone, and that I’m going to find someone who loves me for who I really am.  I expect that I will no longer change to please men, but instead have invested in such a healthy relationship with Christ that changes will be God-centered and not people-centered.

How do you expect your dating life to change after this?

Dating will no longer be an idol.  My self-worth will not be invested in men.  I will not date anyone just for the sake of having a warm body next to me.  As a woman, I will not pursue men, initiating a relationship, but I will give them encouragement to let them know where they stand with me.  My dating life will never be Jamie-centered again, or boy-centered, but God centered.  He’s going to guide my decisions, and I will know how to listen and be obedient to His will.