Day 363

“The Lord has led me...”

Yesterday, I read through Genesis 24.

And Abraham said to his servant, the oldest of his household, who had charge of all that he had...you will...go to my country and go to my kindred, and take a wife for my son Isaac....and [the servant] arose and went to Mesopotamia to the city of Nahor...and he made the camels kneel down outside the city by the well of water at the time of evening, the time when women go out to draw water...[He prayed for] the young woman to whom [he would] say, ‘Please let down that I may drink,’ and who shall say, ‘Drink, and I will water your camels’—let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant, Isaac...[and] Rebekah...born to...son of Milcah...came out.  Then the servant ran to meet her...she quickly emptied her jar into the trough...[and the servant] took a gold ring...and two bracelets [and asked for her family to whom he retold his story]...[and Rebekah] said, “I will go.” Thus the servant took Rebekah and went his way...Isaac had returned from Beer-laha-roi and was dwelling in the Negeb.  And Isaac went out to meditate in the field toward evening.  And he lifted up his eyes and...Rebekah lifted up her eyes...took her veil and covered herself...and she became his wife, and he loved her.

I love this story.

There is so much treasure to be had by us who are unmarried, the entirety of this story resting on obedience and prayer and relationship with God.

Isaac was at Beer-lahai-roi, the “well of The Living One Who sees me.” He was with God, and even when he left the well, even when he was in Negeb—the parched land, he was meditating, tuning in with God.  That’s where he was when Rebekah came to him, he was going about his daily business, being in an intimate relationship with the Father, seeking Him out.

Rebekah was a woman quick to do her womanly duties, and to help out a man, a stranger, and his camels.  Not only was she quick to be gracious, but her grace and willingness to help others were abounding.

Rebekah’s family didn’t question God’s purpose for their daughter.  They love her—you can tell, because they try to keep her a little longer, but ultimately, they let her make the decision to leave and don’t postpone God’s calling on her life.

Eliezer the servant is in constant connection with God, not making a decision without Him.  Not missing an opportunity to praise Him every step of the way.  Abraham surely trusted the right person with a most important decision.

Abraham loved the Lord and kept Him in mind while also keeping his son’s well-being.

God was working in the background to bring Isaac and Rebekah together.  The father sent for her to be brought to him.  Isaac wasn’t looking for her.  Rebekah wasn’t looking for a husband.  The father was working to honor them, calculating their destiny.  They didn’t even know it.  And what were they doing in the meantime?  Both parties were loving God, living their day-to-day lives, and, bam, they were brought together.  It happened at the right time, at the right place, by two people pursuing God.

God said to me, “Jamie, baby, I got this, and you don’t even know.  You don’t need to know.  You just need to keep living life...and the greatest part about it is you’re fulfilled no matter what end you meet, for you already have Me, and you will always have Me.  The rest of life is a surprise waiting to happen...just have your veil ready.”

Day 348

It seems like so long ago that I received this encouragement
from my friends for reaching Day 100 of my One Year Challenge.

Nineteen—19!—days.

That is insane.  Clearly, the biggest accomplishment of my life.

Some people win Nobel Prize.  Others run for President.  And still some are queens, college graduates, and newlyweds.  The list goes on, and the spectrum of accomplishments is a wide one.  But this—this is mine.  This is my gift from God.

I first noticed boys when I was in the third grade.

When I was 12, I lied about having a boyfriend.

When I was 14, I experienced my first kiss, my first love, and my first heartbreak.

When I was 16, I met my high school sweetheart.
When I was 19, I cheated because just one wasn’t enough.

At 21, I moved 2,000 miles to be with the next-best-thing.
Until I met the next next-best-thing, and was engaged at 22.

At 24, I dated my first “Christian.”

At 26, I found the truest love of my life, then said goodbye to him…

…all because I finally gave my heart to a man who said, “No more.”

No more sex, because that’s not you.

No more pining, because that’s not you.

No more desperation, because that’s not my daughter.

No more looking for love…because I love you.

I love you with a love greater than you could ever fathom.  My love is true and real and for everything your heart has been seeking.  I designed your heart.  I designed all of you, every part.  I created you, personally invited you into the world.  I have intimately asked to love you, to be loved by you.  I adore you, my daughter. Your light brown eyes that look upon my sky, your brown hair fashioned from that of your parents.  Your fingers skimming so quickly across the keyboard.  Your mind that composes.  Your laugh, like music to My ears.  I created you.  I enjoy you.  I laugh with you.  I cry with you.  And though you may not feel Me, I hold you.  I hold you so tightly.

You came to Me.  I’ve waited for this day, don’t you know?  I was there when you were born.  I was there when your grandmother died.  I was there every moment of hurt when the bullies called you names and spit in your hair.  Every bus ride, I was beside you.  I was there when he shattered the Christmas tree.  I was there when he lied, when he shunned you.  I was there when the rumors were spread.  I was there when she confessed.  I was there when he hit you.  I was there when you were strangled.  I was there for every snide remark, for every day he cut you down.  I was in the quiet when the results were received.  I was with you in the loss.  For the heartattack.  In your hospital room.  I was there.

I was there and have been there every moment of your life.  I’ve always been there, merely waiting for you.

You’re mine.

Four years ago, I learned about God.  Three years ago He declared I was His.  Two years ago, I fought against Him.  A year ago, I gave up, gave in, and made the wisest, most difficult decision to die to myself faithfully and to follow Him.

This has been a year filled with sanctification and opportunities to personally and vividly experience His glory, His wide love.

Let Him love you.

Four words that in four years have eternally changed my life—a life that will now live on as a living sacrifice for all He’s done, because, oh, how He loves us so.

Nineteen days left.  Three-hundred forty-seven days in.  Four years of knowing Him.  Twenty-seven years of Him fighting for my love.  An eternity of loving me.  And an eternity in which to love Him back.

What beauty is it that the sum of my life and the truth of my eternity is condensed into but a simple entry.  What magnificent wonder it is that an eternity is made up into so few words.  He holds all of my eternity in His hands.  And I’ve only begun to live.  What joys awaits eternity, only my Redeemer knows.

My Redeemer. My Father.  My Savior.  My Lord.  My King.  My Shepherd.  My Lover.  My Provider.  My Love worth worship.  My ever-constant companion.

Ever constant.  Ever mine.

Ever His.

Day 344

Just ask him how he made it

He'll tell you faith and sweat

And the heart of a faithful woman

Who never let him forget

Be a best friend, tell the truth

And overuse "I love you"

Go to work, do your best

Don't outsmart your common sense

Never let your prayin' knees get lazy

And love like crazy

—Love Like Crazy, Lee Brice

I think this song truly epitomizes for who my heart is longing.

Day 344.  How did I make it this far?  How has it gone by so quickly?  How have I been able to change so much?

I am just in awe of this last year of my life, and know that it’s only the beginning.  I diligently disciplined myself through Christ’s love and grace and am such a different girl than I was so many days ago.

I think people shortchange this challenge.  They don’t really get what all goes into it.  You get what you put into it.  If you don’t change your inside and expect the outside to change, well, my friend, that’s a poor attitude that will get no one nowhere.

I looked through my treasure box today, running my fingers over mementoes.  Stuff I never thought I’d do, I did.  Stuff I didn’t want to, I did with a joyful heart.  I’ve received so much through this—from Him.  Selfishly, yeah, this challenge was about bettering myself, being a better, happier person, but He used it in so many ways—ways I couldn’t even imagine, because I was open.

People think, “Oh, you’re just not dating…that’s easy.”  But internally, there’s a shift.  You learn how to operate around the opposite sex, how to channel your mind into reality, not fantasy.  You learn to wait.   Patience is a learned virtue.  You practice obedience.  You don’t say things you want to say when the Spirit leads you not to say them.  You say things you don’t want to say when you’re guided by the Spirit to say them.  I have put more work into this than anything else in my life.

This challenge was to kill my idol, to rid myself to validation through men, sex, and relationships.  To heal from the hurt caused from living knowingly and without obstruction in judgment with sin.  To forgive myself, to forgive others, to lower my expectations and to raise them.  To love Christ and God the Father completely and faithfully.  To trust His will above the desires of my own.

I went from having a man validate my entire existence to not needing a man at all.  Not physically.  Not intimately.  Not emotionally.  Not needing in a sense of my whole being depending upon them.  And for someone who spent 27 years of their life like that—that’s a comeback right there.  A comeback by the hand of Christ who lifted the shackles from my wrists, unbound my heart tethered to Satan’s lies, and lifted me from the unrealistic, wholly-healing fantasies of love and marriage.

One day I might be married.  Now, I might not be—but chances are someone is going to come along who reminds me what it feels like to fall in love.

My story will not be an easy one for him to hear, I’m sure, but what he’ll know is that I spent time, effort, energy—that I invested in him long before he came to me.  I invested myself in my Father, my Savior, my Redeemer, which flows into a beautiful river of loving and respecting others when it pierces your heart so unshakably.             

With 22 days left, I plan to spend them diligently wrapping up this year with Him, my ever-present Father.  And it is so wonderful to know that unlike any other relationship in my life, this one has no expiration date.  There is no break-up where He wounds my heart.  There is no realization that He’s not “the one”—because He’s The One.  And I will spend the rest of my life following Him, doing my best to bring honor to His name, loving those around me that He has sent to me, and being loved by Him.

What better reward to a dating fast is there than a man who will never leave you…never forsake you…and Who has given His life for you?

None, I say, and know this truth better every dying day.

Day 239

I had built a city in my heart.

In it, there were idols of men, sex, beauty, fortune, and acceptance.  Everywhere I turned I was facing myself.  

And just like the petals of a flower, God has been plucking the evil from my heart.

Twenty-six was an amazing year.  And not because it was an amazing year, but because it was the year that God took me, and said, “No more.”

No more will you put other gods before me.  No more will you hunger for unsatisfying loaves.  I will take everything from you that so that you have nothing.  I will hedge up your way.  And you will cease to be who you are and will be Mine.

Twenty-six was the most painful, difficult, heart wrenching year of my life.

And to note this stark contrast is important.

You take joy.  But what is joy when it is not compared to misery?  What is redemption without being lost?

In all ways I believe that God designs our lives.  He gave what He gave to me—bullies, boyfriends, abuse, family, sickness, loss—because He knew what would bring me to Him.  And not only that, but what would make me understand joy.

Richie Sessions shared this quote from John Newton in his sermon to Fellowship this morning:

Though we say this world is vain and sinful, we are too fond of it; and though we hope for true happiness only in Heaven, we are often well content to stay longer here on earth. But the Lord sends afflictions one after another to quicken our desires, and to convince us that this world cannot be our rest. Sometimes if you drive a bird from one branch of a tree he will hop to another a little higher, and from thence to a third; but if you continue to disturb him, he will at last take wing, and fly quite away. Thus we, when forced from one creature-comfort, perch upon another, and so on. But the Lord mercifully follows us with trials, and will not let us rest upon any; by degrees our desires take a nobler flight, and can be satisfied with nothing short of Himself; and we say, "To depart and be with Jesus is best of all!"

Checkpoints.

Birthdays are good checkpoints.

Last night as I fell asleep, I remembered where I was a year ago, with whom I was friends, the place in my life…

When I heard Richie was preaching on my birthday at Fellowship, I laughed.  I laughed to myself, I laughed to God.

The last time I saw Richie was two years ago when I was looking for churches.  He is an amazing pastor, but I just knew that his church wasn’t where I was meant to stay.  But his sermons kept my heart afloat during the beginning of my walk, one of my weakest points, where I was unsure of everything.

And so I was enthralled when Bryan announced God's personal birthday to gift me a few Sundays ago.  Imagine two worlds converging.  That's what this meant for me.  To see my old life, where I was, and feel fully at peace with what happened in my life.  Validation that I had been moving in the right step.

It means so much to me when I hear about churches working together.  I think so highly of our preacher and to know that our church thinks well enough of Richie was validation that when I left my old church in search of a new one, Independent Pres was a step in the right direction for growth.

My second birthday gift from God was hearing Glory to Glory.  I heard this song one of the first times I visited Fellowship.  I instantly fell in love with it—so much so that it became and stayed my ringtone for a year.  When I saw the lyrics up on screen this morning, I held back tears.  I hadn’t heard it in service since that day so long ago. 

This was also a checkpoint from God.  Remember where you were a year ago?  Remember when you first heard this song?  Remember when you hadn't given up your life to me?  Now, look.  Look where you stand, daughter.  I am so proud of you.

Third birthday gift from God was seeing everyone I’ve seen the last two days.  There were people touched me that probably don't even know the depth of how much their place in my life has positively changed and encouraged me.  I looked around at faces.  Some faces I didn't know well, some I haven't spoken to in a while, but I can name a moment that something they've done meant something to me.  Then there were friends I've struggled with, friends that I'm extremely close to, and friends I'd like to get to know better.  Just so many promises from God sitting beside me—and I just felt encouraged to be sitting in a Moe's and at SoB with groups of believers that are steadfast in their desire to be obedient to Christ.

Twenty-six was the most challenging year of my life.  And He used it all for His glory.  And I am so in love with Him.  I am so thankful to Him.  I am so smitten and taken and indebted to Him for all He has done and given me.  At 27, and walking with the Lord, I can't imagine what He has for me this year.  I'm prepared for His love, more challenges, more failures, and His everlasting love and grace.

I walked 25 years without Him, spent 25 years in Hell, and I am going to use everything—all that I've experienced—to exclaim His name to His people.  I just pray for a year of utter dependence, faith, trust, abounding love, discipleship, mentoring, learning, growing, moving, being...just being with Him and having Him all the time in my heart.

Twenty-seven...I used to ask myself if I was ready for you, but now I say to you, are you ready for me?

Day 195

"My only regret in life is that I didn't have another son for you to marry," he laughed.

"Aaw, I can still call you 'Dad,' right?"

We all laughed.  I was sitting at a table with my best guy friend and his parents.  A family preparing to celebrate a graduation and an upcoming wedding.  I'm ready to celebrate, too.

I reflected on the last two years with my friend and his beautiful soon-to-be wife being in my life.  What an impact they have had on my life!  I have no doubt God strategically gave them to me, knowing fully I needed them.

I remember meeting them several Novembers ago while I was in a terrible relationship, and thinking, "I wish I had a relationship like that one."

I remember as he became the first guy to really love me as a friend, showing me what a Godly man is, and watching him as he continued to lovingly pursue his girlfriend.

I remember as she, though being so young, led me spiritually in moments where I desperately needed a strong Godly woman in my life.  The nights she spent on my couch while she was in town visiting him, and how comfortable she is with who she is in Christ.

There is a part of me that will miss the pre-marriage version of our friendships.  I'll miss her spending the night or him counseling me through relationship and men stuff.

But, then, as I was driving the other day, I heard God say that it's okay to miss people and things and seasons of life.  We don't miss the bad things...

Oh, I miss him breaking up with me.

Oh, I miss her using me.

Oh, I miss that job that made me feel worthless.

If we miss something, it was special.  That's why we miss it.  And I don't know how I didn't understand that sooner.

There have been so many things I've been missing lately.  I wish I could go back to this time, this friendship, this season...

But then I'm neglecting the space for new things, new people, new experiences...

All the people I've gotten to know lately, all the delicious food I've been able to eat, all the fun first-time-things I've been able to enjoy...

If I held onto the same friendships, in the same seasons, in the same place, life would be routine.

Anticipating this wedding, I am so excited for them, and their new life.  She'll be living in town now.  Both of them right down the street.  She’ll be a wife and he’ll be a husband.  And they’ll still be my friends—friends that I’ll get to watch build a life and a family together.

Change can be good.  Change can be great.  And this is opening my eyes to how very good it can be.

Counting down the days to beignets, New Orleans, and seeing two amazing people tie the knot!

Day 190

Things are going...

...to be okay.

Whether car troubles, work troubles, friend troubles, community troubles, money troubles, body troubles, beauty troubles, health troubles...

...things are going to be okay.

Because child, you are forgiven and loved.  Every day is an opportunity to cry, to heal, to prepare, to fix, to help, to hurt, to rebound, to try again, to work harder, to love more, to save each other, to be saved by Him.

And I'm trying my best to let Him save me instead of working to save myself.

...which we all know is useless anyway.

Thankful for my mother today, and praying that the Lord saves her soul.  I pray that He brings someone into her life that can share the gospel with her in subtle, endearing ways.  Let her not be frightened, and let her feel peace in You, Christ.  Please bring her to You.  Please let her be saved.  She's my mom.  I love her.

This is the 6th Mother's Day I've spent away from her.  Let someone be at work in her life even if it's not me...