Day 326

It’s funny how worlds collide.

We’ve been working together for four years and our lives have been intertwined during that time, but never like this.

God has done some amazing things.

Her now husband becoming enrolled in Downline and listening to sermons by JB and Bryan...I feel like she’s a part of my church world without really being in, but being in it.  That doesn’t make sense, but it’s like she can see from the outside, like a different perspective.

Her husband and his friend who are both going through DL this year were sitting down at the dinner table the other night.

I came up in conversation.

Not because they knew me, but because, I don’t know…you know, when couples have single people over for dinner, their minds begin to think of other singles that they could connect.  It's a part of the circle of life, I think.

In response to hearing about my OYC, the guy said, “You know, don’t introduce us.  If we’re meant to meet, we’ll meet.”  God will work it out is the gist of what he was saying.

It’s weird to think in 40 days…phew, open season?

Nah, I can’t imagine.

It’s weird.  I’m not looking forward to dating.  I’m not not looking forward to dating.  I’m somewhere in the middle.  Balanced.

What that guy said?  That’s exactly how I feel right now.

If it’s meant to be, it will be.  If not, life will go on like normal—or as what’s close to normal as possible with how amazing this last year has been.

I have so much in life right now.

And, really, the only thing I’m looking forward to is holding my dad in a week, and enjoying that he’s still alive.  Still here.  Still breathing.  Heart still beating.

It’s funny that the end of my OYC falls on Election Day.  Any symbolism there, God?  Or is that only pure coincidence?  I know You’ll let me know.

Until then, I love Ya, God.  Thanks for sticking with me.  We're not done yet!

Day 287

·   God can take every single, separated prayer and answer them all in one fell swoop.  “I want to get up early enough to pray.”  “I want a roommate.”  “I don’t want to move out of this apartment.”  “I want to help women of the world.”  “I miss my best friend.”  “Please give me something I’m passionate about.”  “How can I even think of being a wife if I can’t even be a friend?”  “Would I be a good wife?”  “Will I be a good mother?”  “Am I going to help anyone?”  “I wish I could keep my apartment clean.”  “I wish I had accountability.”  “I wonder if I’ll be a mom.”  Some of those aren’t even prayers.  Just questions.  And it’s amazing to me how God orchestrates everything—something two months ago is connected to something of today, and He did that!  He planned it out so that I would see why it happened as it happened.  He orchestrates everything down to the most minute detail, and realizing that I just feel an overwhelming sensation of gratitude.

·   Tonight was the gathering for the East Outpost.  I was terrified.  And I was lost.  I spent 15 minutes trying to find the country club.  When I finally found it, I walked into the pool area like it was the first day of kindergarten.  And then I started recognizing people.  And then I started meeting new people.  And stories began being shared.  And it was amazing.  “So…how long have you two known each other?” she asked me.  “Oh, we just met!”  “What?  When?”  “Here in line.”  I love that.  I love meeting people and being so comfortable that it seems like we’ve known each other forever.  I want people to feel loved and comfortable and I love facilitating that.  My greatest mission in life is to connect people.  I’m going to do my best for you to flourish in this atmosphere.  I’ve heard this elsewhere, but remembered it today: “Our biggest hurt is our biggest ministry.”  Well, my biggest hurt is loneliness, and it’s because of loneliness that I will always try to connect to people and connect them to other people.

·   Karen.  Christina.  Sandy.  Suzanne.  These are the women I connected with tonight.  She helped lead a church plant in Louisville, KY.  She’s a social worker pursuing nursing.  She spent 26 years out of the country as a missionary; eight years in Kenya, the rest in Nigeria.  I know her from when I was a teller at Germantown Poplar and she is an amazingly strong and open woman.  Amazed.  Amazed at the love of Christ I heard tonight and encouraged by the beginning of this new chapter.  Ready to rock the East Outpost!

·   I absolutely love challenges, because challenges and discomfort are when we grow the most.  And if I’m trying to walk as Christ and be as much like Him before I go, then work on me, God.  Let’s do the dang thing.  If I’m not striving to be like You, my life is worthless and wasteful.

·   I’m adopting a daughter, and I’m so excited.  She’s moving in within the next few days and this is going to be an amazing experience.  At first I was nervous, feeling like a true parent, thinking, “I’m going to screw her up just like my parents screwed me up!” and as the days have passed, I feel at peace.  I feel God saying, “Hey, I got this.  I’m not going to lead you to a road and abandon you as we walk down the path.”  He has her in His hands, He has this and we are going to be better through it all.  I’m going to learn a lot, and so is she, and I’m excited.  I never anticipated what God had as the last leg of this OYC, but it’s very fitting.  Lead by example.  Give grace.  Accountability.  Unselfishness.  Yes, it’s time to put everything I’ve learned into true motion.  And I’m excited and encourage and ready!  I love her and know we’re going to do great things.  God has brought two people together for a million different reasons—all of them good!

·   As this challenge winds down, I can say it really isn’t about being single.  That was where I started, but now—now I know it's about so much more.  I tell women about my story and some say, “Oh, I’ve been single [such and such] years—I’m right there with you.”  And, yeah, okay, they might be “there” with me, but I feel as if I'm misrepresenting the purpose.  The behind-the-scenes for this challenge is figuring out what it means to be in a healthy relationship with Christ where you see yourself through His eyes.  That’s what this challenge has been.  An opportunity for a dating-aholic to pause and say, “This idol no long has control over me.”  And what I feel right now, I wouldn’t trade for the world.  And what I want to do with this feeling is plant seeds in other women that their happiness doesn’t come from a man.  It doesn’t come from a career.  It doesn’t come from a family.  It comes from Him.  My longing to be married one day hasn’t changed.  But what has changed is that my joy is no longer dictated by this unmet longing.  #priceless

Day 260

I can't believe what she said

I can't believe what he did

Well maybe there's something I missed

But how could they treat me like this?

It's wearing out my heart

The way they disregard

They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

—Losing, Tenth Avenue North

·   Family Last night I spoke with my family over the phone.  I watched as the three of them sat and stood near each other on the sofa in the living room.  Dad was laughing, Steven was squinting, and Mom, I could tell, was keeping herself from tears.  The night hit me so hard and I looked upon each of them as if it was the last time I would see them.  I took in every smile, every word, every laugh, every far off stare that hinted at a sadness from our separation.  Just watching them I wanted to cry.  I just felt like I have betrayed them somehow.  Here I am, Heaven bound as far as I can tell, and they’re bound to Hell.  How can I convey that to them without scaring them?  It’s like we’re on a plane and it’s going down, and I’m panicking.  Grab this parachute!  This is an emergency situation!  I don’t know how to handle it gently.  I don’t know how to tell them about the love of Jesus—maybe I don’t believe it’s the love that would save them.  Maybe knowing of the imminent pain that awaits them would push them into God’s hands faster…but maybe that’s not the right approach.  Whatever the approach, I’m just lost and I’m just so sad every day that passes and they’re not saved.

·   Friends Being unsaved and having unsaved friends, things were much clearer.  When someone hurt you, the friendship was over.  Period.  There was no expectation of love continuing.  You took it back, they no longer deserved your love.  Now following Christ, there’s an expectation of brotherly love.  How do you love someone through the hurt?  And what’s more, how do you love them if they say what they’re doing, they’re being led by the Holy Spirit to do, or not do?  You question so much.  All I can say is, we can hurt others even while following Christ.  It’s not like we become saved and we never hurt anyone else again.  We might not be wrong, we may be as close to Christ as we can be, but just be sensitive to that—that we can hurt people even in our pursuit of Him.

·   Challenge I am so thankful that in everything that has been going on, these last few weeks, this year, that God has not allowed any men to pursue me.  It has made things easier.  I can’t imagine what I would do if someone walked up to me and said, “I like you.  I want to pursue you.”  Saying no would be difficult.  Either out of no interest or this challenge.  Can you imagine if I liked someone and he walked up to me and told me he was interested?  I would spend the rest of the challenge with him in the back of my mind.  I think of this now a little more than 100 days left of this OYC, and know this has been the greatest experience of my life, and as the end draws near…so does anxiety.  Maybe I’ll just never date again.

·   Twitter The older I get, the more I go through, the more I see—I just know every day is precious, and you never know when you’re going to go.  You never know.  You never expect to go.  Car accidents.  Shootings.  Heart attack.  Undiscovered brain tumor.  Cancer.  The list goes on and on of life ending instances.  And I think that’s why there is this heaviness on my heart—because I could leave any day, any time, by any way.  If I died tomorrow, I leave behind an unsaved family.  I leave behind unreconciled relationships.  I leave behind people who may not know how much I love them.  Two cute dogs.  Unsaved souls.  John Bryson said, “You have 16 hours a day you are not asleep, what are you doing with them?”  This story peaked my interest.  Alex Sullivan’s last tweet.  He never expected that to be his last day here…  What will I be doing before my last day...  How will it be spent...  Will I be able to say goodbye?  You never know.  Every day is blessing.

Day 214

I stood outside of what once was Blue Coast Burrito.

A time capsule of sorts, I surveyed a piece of town in which I had not been for five life-changing years.  Across from the new Moe’s off Walker Avenue was my old apartment.

Ratty, dingy, and dirty, this complex was my home for a year.  The first year I lived in Memphis.

Standing in the parking lot reminded me of all the evenings, all the fights, all the pain, the confusion.  I was young and dumb—at 22, I knew nothing and thought I knew everything.  How I am still alive today, I have no clue aside from God’s grace.

We were in love.  I wanted love.  And what we thought was love wasn’t love at all.  Differences came.  And before we knew it, a tornado erupted.

Today I parked in the same parking place I did of that night—the night I knew it all was over.  I can’t remember which friend held me as I cried, but someone did.  And I remember wondering what was going to become of my life.

It was calming to stand there, to reminisce.  I felt no ill feelings, no remorse, no anger—I just felt at peace.  That was a time in my life that was very difficult, but also so very dear to me.  I didn't know then that, that would only be the starting point of the tragedies that would meet me in Memphis.  It was only the beginning.  It was our beginning.  It was my beginning.  The totality of it for me was that this was all in God’s plan.

If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have moved to Memphis.  If it weren’t for Memphis, I wouldn’t have found God.  If it weren’t for God, well, there’s no telling where I’d be right now.

All in His time, in His fashion.  When I see glimpses of what He has done in my life, from where He has brought me, I wonder why I don’t trust Him more.

Two months from now will mark my sixth year here in Memphis.

And maybe I remember that time in my life with such a fondness because I feel as if my time in Memphis is winding down.  I think of all it has provided me.  How retched it was and how glory came from it all.  The comparison is a treasure in itself.

It could be years before I leave, and that’s fine.  It’s the acknowledging in my soul that Memphis is not my last stop on this journey.  Living here is not permanent—as many things aren’t, but just a stage.  And I can’t help feeling that the next stage, whenever, wherever it may be, will hold some amazing moments that I can look back on and say, “He brought me here.  He brought me here with a purpose, with a reason, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is by His hand I make it day by day and am still alive to tell it so.”

To my ex I say, thank you, friend, for all that was and all that we came through.  We both can look back now at what we overcame, and look forward to what else life has in store.  I am happy you’ve moved on and laugh at how life has brought us back together here and there to catch up, reminisce, and pay tribute.  You were a worthy opponent, and I don’t just mean on Words with Friends.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Day 190

Things are going...

...to be okay.

Whether car troubles, work troubles, friend troubles, community troubles, money troubles, body troubles, beauty troubles, health troubles...

...things are going to be okay.

Because child, you are forgiven and loved.  Every day is an opportunity to cry, to heal, to prepare, to fix, to help, to hurt, to rebound, to try again, to work harder, to love more, to save each other, to be saved by Him.

And I'm trying my best to let Him save me instead of working to save myself.

...which we all know is useless anyway.

Thankful for my mother today, and praying that the Lord saves her soul.  I pray that He brings someone into her life that can share the gospel with her in subtle, endearing ways.  Let her not be frightened, and let her feel peace in You, Christ.  Please bring her to You.  Please let her be saved.  She's my mom.  I love her.

This is the 6th Mother's Day I've spent away from her.  Let someone be at work in her life even if it's not me...

Day 163

I want to ride a motorcycle, I thought.

I want to know what it feels like to do things I’ve never done.  I want to experience life.

I want to experience as much as I can, because life changes every day.  I don’t know where I’m going to be in a year.  I don’t know if I’ll still be in Memphis.  I don’t know if I’ll be at Fellowship.  Maybe I won’t be here at all.  There is so much that is unknown.

With how lonely I've been, I’ve thought about the unknown.  All I’ve yet to experience.  All I want to experience.  And how much I don’t want anything to hold me back from experiencing it.

A mere few months ago I wrote about having no hobbies, not knowing what I liked or what I enjoyed.  And here God is giving me the strength to go out and experience life on my own.  Here He is pushing me, and encouraging me to explore those things.  And I’m complaining.

I’ve clung to boyfriends and to friendships, trying to heal the holes in my heart.  Starting the OYC, God has helped me heart heal from one idol.  And now here He is working on yet another.

He’s been showing me my past and how I’d skip a trip to because a friend wouldn’t go, or a concert, or a festival, or any opportunity, because I wouldn’t have someone to lean on.

God’s breaking me of much and giving me much.

Sometimes people’s turn-downs are His best for us.  Now, yes, I’m frustrated, but from an eternal perspective I see why the last weeks have been spent alone.  This cycle that has been perpetuated for years is being broken.

He’s making me look to myself; He’s making me look toward Him.

There are a lot of His ways that I struggle with understanding.  There’s a lot of myself that I invest into other people, and day by day He’s turning my heart.

She’s too tired to hang out with me, I must not be important to her.

She’d rather hang out with them than me, I must not be important to her.

I didn’t get invited to that outing, they must not like me.

Me, me, me.  It’s all about me.  What I’m doing.  But really it has nothing to do with me.

And my worth doesn’t rely on whether someone chooses to hang out with me or not.

Another thing I’ve wondered is, why, in the last five months have I not been pursued by any men?  Nothing about me to the outside world has truly changed.  I look the same, I dress the same, I act the same—essentially.  So why the barren desert?  Even if I’m in this OYC a guy can still look at me, right?

Today a really attractive, dark-haired, dark-eyed single surgeon walked by.  He smiled.  I smiled.

Now, what would I have done if he had asked me out?  I would’ve said, “Ask me again in seven months,” and one of two things would’ve happened.  Either he would’ve said, “Okay,” and I would’ve spent the next seven months pining after him, or, he would’ve said, “Forget it,” and I’d be crushed, wondering if I made the right choice.  Either way, I’d be thinking more of him and less of God.  And so, this drought has really been God’s ultimate blessing upon my life, because He knows how neurotic I can be.

God has completely taken every temptation, every stumbling block out of sight. 

I can hear Him, Go!  Run!  I’ve given you all this free space to roam, to explore, why are you standing so still?  Wander!  Experience!  Don’t worry about the wolves!   Use this time to grow, to feast on the land.  No flock?  It’s okay.  There are some things you need to learn before then.

So, I hear Him saying eventually…soon…all in due time I won’t feel so alone again.

On Sunday when Bryan was talking about Ben leaving, he said, “The transitioning point will be somewhere between the end of May and beginning of June.”  And even though what he said was about Ben, I felt God making a promise to me in that moment.  I heard Him saying, Hold on.  Trust me now in the silence and wait for the fruit.

Sometimes God takes things away.  He hedges up ways.

Not to hurt.  But to heal.  To grow.

Have no expectations except for that He will see you through till the end.

Day 92

This morning I woke up in Little Rock, Arkansas.

The night before April and I left Memphis en route to visit our friend and share in her special day!  We had an easy drive, and when we arrived in her and her husband’s new home, we chatted until about midnight.

The next morning I woke up refreshed.  April woke up early and departed to the living room, and I stayed in bed, dozing in and out of consciousness, and praising God for the beautiful sunshine flooding through the window.  It was a peaceful morning, and after I showered I walked out to meet our group in the living room with Tabitha reading the Jesus Calling entry for today.

@micaelafberry, wishing our quartet could be together!

With a warm cup of coffee in a fun green coffee cup, the sun beaming happily on every inch of the room, I was just filled with joy and happiness.

From there we went to Fellowship Little Rock, which is a pretty snazzy church.  A bookstore, a café, and plenty of seating, I was in awe.  April and I stood awaiting the baptisms about to take place, and I was super eager to see my friend in such a special moment.

Children filed up and were dipped in the pool after dedicating their lives to Christ.  And then there was Tabitha.

She and David entered the pool, and David introduced his wife to the crowd.  From there, she told the group of her life and her struggles and the joy she had found in following God’s path for her.  It was a beautiful moment, and then we watched as her husband dipped her in the water and brought her up, baptizing her for God.

Tabitha and I haven’t been friends for a long time, according to the world.  But as far as our walks are concerned, she is my best friend, my sister, my confidant, my trusted God-centered friend who is always encouraging and always edifying.  We been through some of the same struggles, as well as very different struggles, and there was something so satisfying and so joyful in standing there, watching my best friend give her life to God while the love of her life stood right beside her.

So much love.

To see the love in this world and to feel the love of Him, all in one place.

It was overwhelming, and filled me with hope and joy.  From there, we filtered into the space to listen to the sermon.  And we sang song after beautiful song, led by Drew Cline, whose voice I really loved.  And it was nice to be standing next to my best friend, singing again.  With life being as it is, ever changing, it’s been a long time since we’ve been side by side, singing to God.  Every part of this day was special.

When the sermon ended maybe an hour later, I was so filled with peace. 

And April and I started on our way back to Memphis.  It was a quiet ride.  Mostly because I was just overwhelmed with so much love, peace, and joy.  Such a beautiful day, with such beautiful people, and given to us by such a beautiful God.

I feel rejuvenated, and thankful, and more ready for my upcoming trip to California than I have been in the last month.

One trip down, one to go.

Hopefully my next will be just as meaningful an experience as this was.  Thank you, Tabs!  I love you!

Day 69

Enjoying the now.

Because when we're all married, when will we ever have time to share conversations at 1 in the morning?

We won't.

So I'm enjoying it now.

Posted 1/14/2012 @ 2:03 AM

Day 52

Warm milk.  Cinnamon.  A dollop of vanilla extract.  And two Nyquil tablets.

What a nightcap.

As I took each warm sip, I hummed over thought after thought, each pregnant with ripening anxiety.

Check engine light came on.  Funny sound.  Sip.

Trip home to California.  Pleasure and pain.  Sip.

Dogs need to go to the vet.  Sip.

Appointment with a dentist.  Possible cavity.  Sip.

Will be pushed to see orthodontist.  Teeth shifting.  Sip.

My budget versus my bills.  Not so David versus Goliath.  Sip.

Wanting a permanent roommate.  No options.  Sip.

Needing someone to live here while I go back to California.  Sip.

Single.  Single for a season or, more permanently, a reason.  Chug.

Each thought enough to drive me insane on its own, but squished together in my unsurrendering mind, I am at war.  At war with myself.

Where is my peace?

Warm milk.  Cinnamon.  A dollop of vanilla extract.  And two Nyquil tablets.

What a nightcap.

Good night.