Day 357

I collected Psalms for the October edition of my girls group.

 

And as I wrote each question for each Psalm, I paused and wondered which girl would receive what verse and what it would mean in the present state of her life.

When I saw Psalm 51:8, I thought to myself, “Whoever picks this is going to be going through a rough time right now…”

And as I opened my pocket today, I almost laughed as I read its words. 

 

Yup, I’m definitely going through a rough time right now.

When I say I’m miserable, I’m miserable.  I am fighting through misery to understand why God has me where He has me these days.  My heart is torn in fifty-million directions, aching and confused.  I don’t blame God for what I’m feeling, but neither do I know how to thank Him or find joy in my every day for what He has given me.

It is so easy to let a heart grow heavy and anxious.  It is so easy to not rejoice in His goodness.  It is so easy to complain, to cry, to pity oneself.

I can’t find peace.  I can’t find joy.

But stress finds me.  Jealousy finds me.  Anger resides in my heart.

Admittedly I haven’t been spending much time with God lately.  As it has a habit of doing, time moves so quickly, and in busyness, unfortunately, I fail to make a priority in intentionally spend time with Him and Him alone.

I prayed today when I returned home, and my hands went searching through my library.  Ten books I pulled down from the shelves and sat, flipping open to random pages, praying for vision, direction, comfort, understanding, and peace.

Lovingly, God always obliges when I ransack my shelving, taking me to pages that offer wisdom, comfort, and sense.

My soul, practice being alone with Christ.  O my soul, practice that solitude!  Practice dismissing the crowd!  Practice the stillness of your heart! (Streams in the Desert)

Stand firmly in the place where your dear Lord has put you, and do your best there…The strongest and greatest character is grown through hardship. (Streams in the Desert)

Linda didn’t fit in with the rest of the crowd, but the teacher fought for her, adored her, and gave her a way out.  God still loves me if no one else does, and He fights for me. (Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul)

When we worship in these hard places, we are reminded that none of it is about us—it’s about God. (What Happens When Women Say Yes to God)

Courage in suffering. (A Man Worth Waiting For)

The true nature of a heart is seen in the response to the unattractive. (And the Angels Were Silent)

Pray in three areas for your future spouse. (The Love Dare)

Young girl, I tell you to stand up!  Talitha, koum! (The Greatest Moments in the Life of Christ)

All of these notes mingled together, offering both unanimous and singular advice.

Then I read on through more of the Psalms, let the saddened feelings of David resonate within my own worries, but taking to heart his moments filled with light, worship, and hope.

Please give me peace for the coming days, God, and help me to remain close to You.  For there is no peace with You.  No joy.  No hope.  Please help me stay close, keeping You at the center of my weak heart.

Day 132

I rolled over in bed and searched for the sun that normally finds its way through my window blinds.  But none of those rays were there.  Instead it was dark outside.

And for the morning, this weather matched my mood.

I don’t know when it turned around, but it did.  Eventually the sun came out from behind the rain and I felt happy.

I drove home with the windows down, Natalie Imbruglia playing on the radio.  (It would have been rap instead, but gave that up for Lent!)

I have seen so much of God in my life lately.  In just a matter of two weeks He’s amplified my life.  He’s brought back people with whom I haven’t spoken in months, He’s opened doors to new relationships, and He’s helped guide me through my introspective journey to bettering myself.

I haven’t been writing as much, and I promise it’s not because I’m not learning.  If anything, it’s because I’m learning too much and can’t keep track of the lessons.

I tried to sort through them in my head, but I couldn’t keep grounded, and on the drive home I decided to take the dogs to the park to show them I love them and to enjoy the beautiful sky the Lord had made.  Because how often do I enjoy the sunsets He paints?  Rarely.  And so today was a day meant for that.

The park was quiet, and why wouldn’t it be?  What idiot takes their dogs to the park after a downpour to get muddy?  Hah.  That would be me!  We had the entire stretch of land to ourselves.  And it was nice.

I drank in the air, admired the quiet lakes, watched happily as Paris rigorously fetched wood and Cheeyo ran haphazardly in all directions. They seemed happy.  And I was happy just to be a part of their innocent fun while all the while God’s creation laced the background of our afternoon fun.

Many times I stopped to watch the horizon.  And I looked up to the clouds.  Perfectly painted were the whites and purples and yellows.  It was a beautiful sight, and I wondered how I could have ever denied God’s existence.

His beauty blanketed me with His peace.  I felt so loved as the majesties of his art watched me, dancing above.  How often would I have this opportunity?  Fresh grass, a silent park…a moment with God in God’s creation.

I came home and reflected on the week I had. I have no idea what is in store for me these next months, but I know what follows next will continue to be very different than last year.  This year, I'd like to think I'm surrendered to the will of God.  Last year was spent divided between His will and mine.  But talking to a friend on Thursday I was reminded that God’s will is inevitable.  We can choose to fight it, learn the hard way, or we can surrender.  Either way, God’s will prevails.  And what reassurance there is in that.

And Gideon said, "Alas, O Lord, God!  For now I have seen the angel of the Lord face to face." But the Lord said to him, "Peace be to you. Do not fear; you shall not die."  Then Gideon built an altar there to the Lord and called it, The Lord is Peace.  To this day it still stands in Ophrah, which belongs to the Abiezrites (Judges 6:22-24).

On my heart to-do list:

Value myself through God’s eyes

Not be terrified of men

Be open to marriage

Day 92

This morning I woke up in Little Rock, Arkansas.

The night before April and I left Memphis en route to visit our friend and share in her special day!  We had an easy drive, and when we arrived in her and her husband’s new home, we chatted until about midnight.

The next morning I woke up refreshed.  April woke up early and departed to the living room, and I stayed in bed, dozing in and out of consciousness, and praising God for the beautiful sunshine flooding through the window.  It was a peaceful morning, and after I showered I walked out to meet our group in the living room with Tabitha reading the Jesus Calling entry for today.

@micaelafberry, wishing our quartet could be together!

With a warm cup of coffee in a fun green coffee cup, the sun beaming happily on every inch of the room, I was just filled with joy and happiness.

From there we went to Fellowship Little Rock, which is a pretty snazzy church.  A bookstore, a café, and plenty of seating, I was in awe.  April and I stood awaiting the baptisms about to take place, and I was super eager to see my friend in such a special moment.

Children filed up and were dipped in the pool after dedicating their lives to Christ.  And then there was Tabitha.

She and David entered the pool, and David introduced his wife to the crowd.  From there, she told the group of her life and her struggles and the joy she had found in following God’s path for her.  It was a beautiful moment, and then we watched as her husband dipped her in the water and brought her up, baptizing her for God.

Tabitha and I haven’t been friends for a long time, according to the world.  But as far as our walks are concerned, she is my best friend, my sister, my confidant, my trusted God-centered friend who is always encouraging and always edifying.  We been through some of the same struggles, as well as very different struggles, and there was something so satisfying and so joyful in standing there, watching my best friend give her life to God while the love of her life stood right beside her.

So much love.

To see the love in this world and to feel the love of Him, all in one place.

It was overwhelming, and filled me with hope and joy.  From there, we filtered into the space to listen to the sermon.  And we sang song after beautiful song, led by Drew Cline, whose voice I really loved.  And it was nice to be standing next to my best friend, singing again.  With life being as it is, ever changing, it’s been a long time since we’ve been side by side, singing to God.  Every part of this day was special.

When the sermon ended maybe an hour later, I was so filled with peace. 

And April and I started on our way back to Memphis.  It was a quiet ride.  Mostly because I was just overwhelmed with so much love, peace, and joy.  Such a beautiful day, with such beautiful people, and given to us by such a beautiful God.

I feel rejuvenated, and thankful, and more ready for my upcoming trip to California than I have been in the last month.

One trip down, one to go.

Hopefully my next will be just as meaningful an experience as this was.  Thank you, Tabs!  I love you!

Day 36

“I don’t have to…I get to.”

As the pastor continued teaching, I couldn’t let go of those words.

All week I’ve been praying about what of my story to share with my Sunday group.

How deep can I go?  What can they handle?  What can I handle?  What can I say to keep them from running?

Throughout the week I heard God telling me to tell it all.  To share everything.  Not out of guilt.  Not out of shame.  But to tell of His grace, His glory, how He pulled me away from my poisonous, addicted life.  The things He used to change my life aren’t pretty, but God builds beauty out of ashes, and, baby, I was burnt.

I don’t have to tell them, but I get to stationed itself in my heart.

As 5:30 rounded the clock, I was in a panic.  My heart was literally beating out of my chest.  Please let them love me after this, I prayed.

A friend reminded me yesterday that being obedient to the will of God is a lot better than wishing you had been.  And tonight I was obedient to God, and I shared my life with these girls who have so quickly become my family.  I don’t know how each felt afterwards, but I heard God saying, "One.  One needs to hear this."  And so I followed Him, knowing that if He said "only one" then that's the one that mattered.

At the end of the night, my eyes were met by gazes full of abounding love and grace, just as if Christ Himself had been sitting there, listening to me.

After the last few girls left, I curled up in front of my fireplace, partly from emotional exhaustion, and partly just taking a moment to praise God while Chris Tomlin and Audrey Assad’s song Winter Snow played on REPEAT.  The first time I heard this song was in my car, and it brought tears to my eyes.  I’m assuming it talks of God sending Christ to us, but my heart took on a meaning of its own.

It makes me think of how God didn’t bring me to Him.  He wasn’t quiet or gentle.  He saved me by ripping everything from me.

Could've come like a mighty storm

With all the strength of a hurricane

You could've come like a forest fire

With the power of heaven in Your flame

And You did, for me.

You could've swept in like a tidal wave

Or an ocean to ravish our hearts

You could have come through like a roaring flood

To wipe away the things we've scarred

And You did, for me.

For me, He did so much.  He tore away at the life I knew.  He took it from me by force, piece by painful piece.

What are you afraid of?  I hear Him gently.  This is the path I gave you.  Would you want anything different, anything less?  If they love Me, they love you.  Don’t let your fear keep you.  Peace.

Peace.  And I am at peace tonight, because He fell from the sky in the night to the earth below, and saved me.  And I get to tell that story.