Day 357

I collected Psalms for the October edition of my girls group.

 

And as I wrote each question for each Psalm, I paused and wondered which girl would receive what verse and what it would mean in the present state of her life.

When I saw Psalm 51:8, I thought to myself, “Whoever picks this is going to be going through a rough time right now…”

And as I opened my pocket today, I almost laughed as I read its words. 

 

Yup, I’m definitely going through a rough time right now.

When I say I’m miserable, I’m miserable.  I am fighting through misery to understand why God has me where He has me these days.  My heart is torn in fifty-million directions, aching and confused.  I don’t blame God for what I’m feeling, but neither do I know how to thank Him or find joy in my every day for what He has given me.

It is so easy to let a heart grow heavy and anxious.  It is so easy to not rejoice in His goodness.  It is so easy to complain, to cry, to pity oneself.

I can’t find peace.  I can’t find joy.

But stress finds me.  Jealousy finds me.  Anger resides in my heart.

Admittedly I haven’t been spending much time with God lately.  As it has a habit of doing, time moves so quickly, and in busyness, unfortunately, I fail to make a priority in intentionally spend time with Him and Him alone.

I prayed today when I returned home, and my hands went searching through my library.  Ten books I pulled down from the shelves and sat, flipping open to random pages, praying for vision, direction, comfort, understanding, and peace.

Lovingly, God always obliges when I ransack my shelving, taking me to pages that offer wisdom, comfort, and sense.

My soul, practice being alone with Christ.  O my soul, practice that solitude!  Practice dismissing the crowd!  Practice the stillness of your heart! (Streams in the Desert)

Stand firmly in the place where your dear Lord has put you, and do your best there…The strongest and greatest character is grown through hardship. (Streams in the Desert)

Linda didn’t fit in with the rest of the crowd, but the teacher fought for her, adored her, and gave her a way out.  God still loves me if no one else does, and He fights for me. (Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul)

When we worship in these hard places, we are reminded that none of it is about us—it’s about God. (What Happens When Women Say Yes to God)

Courage in suffering. (A Man Worth Waiting For)

The true nature of a heart is seen in the response to the unattractive. (And the Angels Were Silent)

Pray in three areas for your future spouse. (The Love Dare)

Young girl, I tell you to stand up!  Talitha, koum! (The Greatest Moments in the Life of Christ)

All of these notes mingled together, offering both unanimous and singular advice.

Then I read on through more of the Psalms, let the saddened feelings of David resonate within my own worries, but taking to heart his moments filled with light, worship, and hope.

Please give me peace for the coming days, God, and help me to remain close to You.  For there is no peace with You.  No joy.  No hope.  Please help me stay close, keeping You at the center of my weak heart.

Day 345

I love my guy friends.  Absolutely.  I appreciate everything they do and are and how they’ve encouraged me, but ultimately I know that there are boundaries, limits, and often expiration dates on these opposite sex friendships.

One thing I’ve learned from Andy Stanley’s sermons is that you don’t need to be married—or even in a relationship—to prepare for marriage.  Preparing for marriage comes long before the vows.  And the sooner you start, the better.  Because I have learned this, my friendships with men, while spiritually encouraging and life-changing, remain at a less deep level than my friendships with women.

I know that long after I marry it is these friendships that will be with me, that will continue to have the ability to grow deeper, to be bonded in a way that male-female friendships cease out of respect for a marriage and its intimacy.

And this is how I came to want so desperately friendships—and deeper friendships—and opportunities to grow with women.  And I also figured that if I could want these things, that it was very likely that other women wanted them, too.

And while I prayed to God for Him to move and provide, I sat.  Idle.  Waiting.  Wondering.  And after a year of waiting for His provision, I realized He was waiting on me.

And through a course of events and people (people, who without this would not be possible) s•i•b was born.  Something in Between.  Something not just prayer, not just worship, not just one thing.  We began in July, where I held my first gathering, trying to verbalize God’s prompting in my life.

Month 1: Introduced the Prayer Board where we write our prayers
on post-it notes, both sharing our prayers
openly with each other and awaiting God to answer us. 

Month 2: Created Cue Cards to spark conversation and offer the girls
a planned out way to be open with one another about how God had
recently blessed their lives.

Month 3: Each girl picked a gift pouch that contained a unique verse, and each
verse had an accompanying question.  It's a group activity that makes us
women work together and talk to one another about
God and what's going on in our lives, purposefully.

I wanted for women to connect.  I wanted for us to have opportunities outside of church to know each other.  To provide a reason for women to share.  The ideas began rolling.  Cue cards.  Questions.  Ways to open doors for those wanting doors to be opened.  To challenge women to step into roles they may not otherwise receive or volunteer.  To push them to be leaders, to pray out loud, to share.  To share in His Word.  To sing praises to Him, worshiping together.  Giving women a prompting to share God’s love in their lives—to share His glory.

The simple needing of something can provide the road to its very provision.

Not every meeting has been perfect, but each one has been written by Him.  I feel His hands over all of it.  The development, the songs, the girls who attend, the words that are spoken, the prayers that are prayed, the fellowship, the open hearts—it’s Him who has fashioned everything.

I don’t know if the other girls feel the same way I do, but after each finish, I reflect on the short, but meaningful time spent together.  Always I am thankful for the women He calls to attend and who He has introduced into my life and whose lives have been connected by Him through this.

There are a million different reasons this was formed and because of this, there are a million different provisions that are received from it.  I hope that it gives each woman something, because the only woman I can vouch for is me, and I know that listening to my sisters talk openly about the God who loves them has been a bigger blessing than anything else.

Each meeting has been unique, different.  And I look forward to the coming of the next one.

Dear God, I just praise You for all You have done in my life.  You have taken my hands and made otherwise incapable fingers fashion doors for women.  You have opened the hearts of those in attendance and I pray that You continue to guide those women.  For those who have come, but not returned.  For those who RSVPed and never made it.  For those who have dueling schedules and cannot make it.  For the women who come regularly.  For those who have helped at every point in this process.  I pray for all of these hearts.  Father, I pray that You continue to guide me through this and show me more people who have any advice.  I pray to know older women, to connect with the wise.  To be poured into.  I pray for the hearts of my peers to have similar desires.  I pray that if there is a woman out there who has the same desires that she walks through the next door, and receives whatever it is she needs.  Praise and deep thanks for those who have helped along the way.  Without their help, encouragement and direction, this wouldn’t exist.  Thank You for placing them in my life.

Matthew 7:7