Day 357

I collected Psalms for the October edition of my girls group.

 

And as I wrote each question for each Psalm, I paused and wondered which girl would receive what verse and what it would mean in the present state of her life.

When I saw Psalm 51:8, I thought to myself, “Whoever picks this is going to be going through a rough time right now…”

And as I opened my pocket today, I almost laughed as I read its words. 

 

Yup, I’m definitely going through a rough time right now.

When I say I’m miserable, I’m miserable.  I am fighting through misery to understand why God has me where He has me these days.  My heart is torn in fifty-million directions, aching and confused.  I don’t blame God for what I’m feeling, but neither do I know how to thank Him or find joy in my every day for what He has given me.

It is so easy to let a heart grow heavy and anxious.  It is so easy to not rejoice in His goodness.  It is so easy to complain, to cry, to pity oneself.

I can’t find peace.  I can’t find joy.

But stress finds me.  Jealousy finds me.  Anger resides in my heart.

Admittedly I haven’t been spending much time with God lately.  As it has a habit of doing, time moves so quickly, and in busyness, unfortunately, I fail to make a priority in intentionally spend time with Him and Him alone.

I prayed today when I returned home, and my hands went searching through my library.  Ten books I pulled down from the shelves and sat, flipping open to random pages, praying for vision, direction, comfort, understanding, and peace.

Lovingly, God always obliges when I ransack my shelving, taking me to pages that offer wisdom, comfort, and sense.

My soul, practice being alone with Christ.  O my soul, practice that solitude!  Practice dismissing the crowd!  Practice the stillness of your heart! (Streams in the Desert)

Stand firmly in the place where your dear Lord has put you, and do your best there…The strongest and greatest character is grown through hardship. (Streams in the Desert)

Linda didn’t fit in with the rest of the crowd, but the teacher fought for her, adored her, and gave her a way out.  God still loves me if no one else does, and He fights for me. (Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul)

When we worship in these hard places, we are reminded that none of it is about us—it’s about God. (What Happens When Women Say Yes to God)

Courage in suffering. (A Man Worth Waiting For)

The true nature of a heart is seen in the response to the unattractive. (And the Angels Were Silent)

Pray in three areas for your future spouse. (The Love Dare)

Young girl, I tell you to stand up!  Talitha, koum! (The Greatest Moments in the Life of Christ)

All of these notes mingled together, offering both unanimous and singular advice.

Then I read on through more of the Psalms, let the saddened feelings of David resonate within my own worries, but taking to heart his moments filled with light, worship, and hope.

Please give me peace for the coming days, God, and help me to remain close to You.  For there is no peace with You.  No joy.  No hope.  Please help me stay close, keeping You at the center of my weak heart.

Day 267

What.  Was.  That?

Why did that happen?

Why does this hurt?

Why am I sad?

Why.  Why.  Why.  Why.

Right now I just want to cry and I'm not really sure why.  I think it's just everything.  Every-thing.

God.  I need provision.  Direction.  Hope.  Help.  Please send it all.

If I hadn't already bought my ticket to 12, I don't think I'd be going.  Right now, in this moment, I'm not looking forward to being the only single girl there.

My car.  My poor car.  I am so thankful to God for the help that He sent.  SO THANKFUL.  I'm just stressed out that so much is happening at once.  The windshield.  The battery.  Well, thank goodness is was just a battery!  Thank goodness he was there to help!  Thank goodness it happened right down the street from the apartment.

The group.  Having a vision--but an uncemented vision.  Not knowing what the future holds and asking a group to jump on board to an unknown destination.  God, I'm following you...I'm really having to work on trusting you with this.  Tonight you showed me it was not about me...today you showed me it was not about me.  You took away the fancy-schmancy computer.  Took away comfort--poor air conditioning in the living room.  You took everything away.  And all I had to offer was outstretched hands that offered You, and fellowship with Your daughters.

I'm so overwhelmed I can't even finish this entry.  Good night.

Day 263

Right now I’m sitting on my couch in my newly rearranged livingroom.

I just spent the last six hours cleaning and organizing.

Once a year, close to my birthday, because of all the cards received, I pull out my memory box.  I save them, rereading them one last time before I file them, but also looking over, in fondness, the cards already in the box.

This time I read the greetings of friends far away, glossed over notes from my parents, and reminisced over the words of men who used to love me.

Unfair, God¸ I murmured to myself.

I miss this.  I miss them.  I remember eating with her.  I remember laughing with her.  I remember when he held me.  I remember when he loved me.  Where is this happiness?  Where are these people?  Where are these moments?  I miss them, and I want them back.  I want this back.

I refolded the cards tenderly, remembering what it had felt like to read the words the very first time—how loved I felt.

I miss those deep friendships.  I miss the weekly meetings.  The Bible studies.  The dinners.  The intimacy felt between friends.  I miss the concern.  I miss the attention.  I miss the willingness to be a part of my life.  I miss being loved.  I miss the affection.  The professions of love.  Being held.  Being kissed.  Being missed.  Being trusted.  Being enjoyed.

There are so many things I don’t understand right now, God.  I don’t understand what You’re trying to tell me.  Am I forever bound to feel lonely in a sea of people?  Where’s the intimacy?

A week ago I made the decision to attend 12 alone.  I’ve spent the majority of this OYC solo—it only seemed appropriate to continue on in this manner.  I expect to gaze out into a maze of couples, dancing and slow dancing together—which, at weddings, has proven to be the loneliest moment for me—and I’m going to have to be okay.

In the moment, this is difficult for me.  But I know it won’t last forever.  As reassurance, it was repeated twice today by two different mediums, “God-given struggles don't come to stay—they come to pass.”

Come to pass.

As I keep moving through my files I found old journal entries about those old relationships.  Those heartfelt cards had counterparts.  I read the tears, the hardships, the differences and the struggles I had prayed about then.

Those struggles?  They came to pass.

God was faithful to me then.  I’m wading through His faithfulness now.  Not gratefully waiting on Him, but ungratefully, impatiently waiting with questions hinting at distrust.

God, is this loneliness necessary?

Am I meant to be alone always?

What purpose does this serve?

Is this punishment?

Don’t You love me?

Where are the desires of my heart?  Have I not delighted in You?

He didn’t answer these tonight.  The only words heard were…

Necessary.  Necessary loneliness.

God, is this Your voice?  I can’t tell…

Isaiah 59:19 reads, “When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the LORD shall lift up a standard against him.”

God, please just protect me.  Be with me.  Give me strength.  I feel so weak.  And without a hint of what the future holds, my eyes are focused on the rearview, and this can be a dangerous place.

Day 260

I can't believe what she said

I can't believe what he did

Well maybe there's something I missed

But how could they treat me like this?

It's wearing out my heart

The way they disregard

They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

—Losing, Tenth Avenue North

·   Family Last night I spoke with my family over the phone.  I watched as the three of them sat and stood near each other on the sofa in the living room.  Dad was laughing, Steven was squinting, and Mom, I could tell, was keeping herself from tears.  The night hit me so hard and I looked upon each of them as if it was the last time I would see them.  I took in every smile, every word, every laugh, every far off stare that hinted at a sadness from our separation.  Just watching them I wanted to cry.  I just felt like I have betrayed them somehow.  Here I am, Heaven bound as far as I can tell, and they’re bound to Hell.  How can I convey that to them without scaring them?  It’s like we’re on a plane and it’s going down, and I’m panicking.  Grab this parachute!  This is an emergency situation!  I don’t know how to handle it gently.  I don’t know how to tell them about the love of Jesus—maybe I don’t believe it’s the love that would save them.  Maybe knowing of the imminent pain that awaits them would push them into God’s hands faster…but maybe that’s not the right approach.  Whatever the approach, I’m just lost and I’m just so sad every day that passes and they’re not saved.

·   Friends Being unsaved and having unsaved friends, things were much clearer.  When someone hurt you, the friendship was over.  Period.  There was no expectation of love continuing.  You took it back, they no longer deserved your love.  Now following Christ, there’s an expectation of brotherly love.  How do you love someone through the hurt?  And what’s more, how do you love them if they say what they’re doing, they’re being led by the Holy Spirit to do, or not do?  You question so much.  All I can say is, we can hurt others even while following Christ.  It’s not like we become saved and we never hurt anyone else again.  We might not be wrong, we may be as close to Christ as we can be, but just be sensitive to that—that we can hurt people even in our pursuit of Him.

·   Challenge I am so thankful that in everything that has been going on, these last few weeks, this year, that God has not allowed any men to pursue me.  It has made things easier.  I can’t imagine what I would do if someone walked up to me and said, “I like you.  I want to pursue you.”  Saying no would be difficult.  Either out of no interest or this challenge.  Can you imagine if I liked someone and he walked up to me and told me he was interested?  I would spend the rest of the challenge with him in the back of my mind.  I think of this now a little more than 100 days left of this OYC, and know this has been the greatest experience of my life, and as the end draws near…so does anxiety.  Maybe I’ll just never date again.

·   Twitter The older I get, the more I go through, the more I see—I just know every day is precious, and you never know when you’re going to go.  You never know.  You never expect to go.  Car accidents.  Shootings.  Heart attack.  Undiscovered brain tumor.  Cancer.  The list goes on and on of life ending instances.  And I think that’s why there is this heaviness on my heart—because I could leave any day, any time, by any way.  If I died tomorrow, I leave behind an unsaved family.  I leave behind unreconciled relationships.  I leave behind people who may not know how much I love them.  Two cute dogs.  Unsaved souls.  John Bryson said, “You have 16 hours a day you are not asleep, what are you doing with them?”  This story peaked my interest.  Alex Sullivan’s last tweet.  He never expected that to be his last day here…  What will I be doing before my last day...  How will it be spent...  Will I be able to say goodbye?  You never know.  Every day is blessing.

Day 258

We share the same birth month.  We share most of the same outlooks on life, the world, and people.  We share the same cheeks, body frame, and hair.  We love animals, fight to love people through our impatience and ugliness, can be self-righteous and temperamental.  We're both Cancers.  We both love Corvettes.  Our souls are knit together in a father-daughter bond that can never be unbound while here on earth.  And it's my prayer that this bond continues into and through eternity.  But I know that can only happen one way...

Happy birthday to my dad.  Too far away to hug.  Too far away to watch as he refuses to age.  Too far away to remind him to take it easy with a loving pat on his shoulder.  Too far away to see his smile.  Too far away to enjoy these precious years of his life...

...but not too far gone to be saved.  Not too far for the Holy Spirit to touch.  Not too far away for God to open his heart.

It's not too late.

God, save him.  Do whatever You have to do to save him.

Dad, it's your sixtieth, but you're still the same 40 year old I remember from my youth.  I love you and I pray for you every day.  Every day.  Even if it's just a sentence.  Sometimes it's a paragraph.  Some days it's all day.  Please be open to Christ.  Please, please, please know the truth.

God, please don't let him die not knowing...

Day 207

God, I’m going to be blunt.

A husband is at the end of my list right now.  I know, the priority of the girl doing the OYC isn’t a husband right now?!

Gasp.

Yes, that has freaking fallen to the last of my list, because other things have finally taken the front seat!

What?!

Yeah!  A purpose beyond that of being a wife.

God, I need You to give me something I can be passionate about.

I feel and I’ve felt like I’ve been walking aimlessly now for the last…at least…year of my life.

My deepest desire is for the Kingdom.  I just don’t know how to serve it.  I don’t know how to use what I’m good at to save people.

I want to be passionate about something.

I want to be on fire.

I want to make a difference.

I want to change lives.

I want to do whatever You want me to do.

So what is it?

Or are you asking me, still, to wait?

And, if so, wait for what?

What are you showing me in this midst of the silence?

I am begging You…You see me down here on my knees, God?  Give me something to do!

I have at least two people in my life that are passionately pursuing their paths designed from You.  And I am so encouraged and challenged by their hearts.  They are amazing people, Christ!  Now could You please set a desire in me?  Or at least a path to get me to that point?

Where can I serve?  Who can I call out to?  Who can I disciple?

Freakin’ disciple me!  Bring somebody into my life that can lead me, guide me, show me, counsel me, push me!

God, give me these things so I can at least adequately and pursue Your heart!

Little bit frustrated.  Little bit challenged.  Overall excited.  But so desperate to find purpose.  Help, Christ and the Holy Spirit!  Lead me to the fount that will give an answer, a direction…

I love You, and I trust You.  You can do anything.  You can make the impossible, possible.

…my best friends can be saved.

…my family can be saved.

…my brother can be healed.

…I can be healed.

…you can make me a wife.

…and I know You can ignite inside me a passion for something.  Anything!

Let’s start making the impossible, possible, God, like only You can!

Day 188

People always leave.

Underneath all my issues lies this.  The perception that has been shaping me since I was young.

Prepare your heart, Jamie, because people always leave.

Don’t let her in, Jamie, because she’s going to leave.

Don’t talk to him, Jamie, because he’s going to leave.

And then something happened.

I let people in.  And.

They left.

As much as I’m trying to reach out, it’s not enough to bring them back.  They’re gone.  That time of my life is over, and it hurts.  It’s on my heart daily.  And I’m furious with God.

Why would He give just to take away?  I had everything I wanted for four months, and now it’s like it never existed.  Why would you do this to me?  Don’t You love me?

Maybe I was naïve.  Naïve to think I could withdraw and return when I was emotionally ready to an intact, unchanged community.  Maybe I was more desperate for community than anyone else there.  Maybe I wasn’t good enough for them to want to stay.  Maybe I just wasn’t enough.  Whatever it is, it’s like trying to hold onto sand.  It’s all just fading away—it’s faded away, and there’s nothing I can do to bring them back.

So why do I keep trying?  The more I try, the more hurt I am.

They’ve left, Jamie!  They’re not coming back.  It’s not going to be like it was, and it won’t be ever again.

So, knowing that, why does it still hurt?

Because my deepest fear was reinforced.  I let people into my heart, I loved them so much, and now we can’t even make time for one another.  It’s true.  It’s true.  People always leave.  What’s the point of letting people in if they’re bound to leave?

I’m struggling so much with this.

What friends do I let into my life?  Girl friends will eventually find husbands and they won’t make time for me—suddenly life revolves around someone else and I disappear.  Guy friends will eventually find wives and the dynamic of our friendship will change.  They move on…why can’t I move on?

Tell my why, God.  I’m asking You now, show me why I need to let people in if they’re bound to walk away?

What’s the point?

-----------------

Minutes after writing this, I checked my Twitter and came upon Priscilla Shirer’s tweet.

Maybe there’s purpose in the pain.  I’m just not looking deep enough.

Day 159

The alarm clock went off, and, for a second, I fought with the reality that it was already morning.

Dead.  I felt dead.  My body felt like a rock, and I held my breath.

No, please, no, I exclaimed in my head.  But the sun was out and the maniacal beeping of my clock would not stop.

I left my apartment in a heavy state of depression.

I can’t do this, I thought as I hoisted myself into my car.  I feel dead.

My mindset clouded, I held back tears on the drive to work.

Don’t cry, because if you do, everyone at work will ask you why, and what will you tell them?  Telling them Satan has stolen your joy isn’t really the answer anyone will understand.  Don’t cry.  Hold it in.  You have three hours and then you’re home free, my mind sped.

I tried to breathe as the traffic lights shifted from red, to green, to yellow.  Traffic piling up.  This is the most miserable commute I’ve ever driven, I think.

Emotionally I should’ve been fine.  No real complaints in my life.  So why the depression?  My mind drifts to my physical state.  I have never been so physically broken.  And it would make sense if Satan has lost his grip on one platform that he would attack elsewhere.  Body weak, mind exhausted—this week has been one of the most physically draining weeks of my life.

So just end it.  Give up.

Ahh.  Old Familiar.  Hi Satan.

In my lowest moments of depression, he always seems to pop up.  Simple solution.  Just end it.  At this point, I’ve come to recognize his voice.  And as much as I know it’s him, just for split second, I contemplate it.  Crazy me, I think he’s right.

God, what am I doing?  Why do I feel this way?  Where are You?  Why do I feel so far from You?  How has this happened to me?  I’m so depressed. How has Satan stolen my joy?  He has used a million little things to tear me apart.  How am I so weak that, that's all it takes?  I can’t do this anymore…  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t do this anymore.  I give up.  Where are You?!

My eyes start watering and my grip on the steering wheel tightens.  Stuck at this red light, the song on the radio ends.  And another comes on.

Do you ever recognize the melody before you recognize the song?  I know this song, I think, and I know I love it…but what is it?

The soft strumming of the guitar continues, and a melodic voice begins to sing.

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise

There's so much they hold and just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far to be right where you are

I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'll be here patiently waiting

God I knows know we're you’re worth it

No, I won't give up

It's Jason Mraz's I Won't Give Up.  And then I really start crying, because I know it’s God, talking.  He’s right there with me, seeing me through everything.  I hear Him saying, “Okay, you can give up…fine, but I’m not going to.”

As the song comes to an end, I pull into my parking space at work, fixing my make-up.  I walk inside, bracing myself for 3 hours.  They pass.  Quickly.  And soon I’m out the door.

As soon I turned the key in the ignition, David Guetta’sWithout You came on.  I love this song, and have always thought of it as my song to God.  Every time I hear it, I think of Him.  And I just love it.  I love how He played that out for me.  On one hand I have God telling me He won’t give up on me, and then on the other, He’s reminding me of my love for Him.

I moved on in the rest of my day, meeting my old friend for Filipino food at VGM, and caught up with him.  And after lunch, I was driving home.  When that fork came between Farm Road and Shelby Farms, God told me to turn.  I parked, I walked, and I sat down in front of the lake.  By myself.  In the sunshine.  And just sat.  I watched as the water sparkled, the geese meandered over the grass, and the few people walking by.

I felt the sun warming my skin and the cool breeze playing with my hair.  And just sat in front of His creation.

I’m not going to leave you, Jamie.  While others have left you, while the body may fail, while suffering may come, I’m not going to leave you or forsake you.  At every moment in your suffering I am with you and I am for you.

When all else is gone, He’s still here.  Even when I just feel like everything else is gone, He's still there.  I have such a limited perspective of why—why I feel the way I feel, why things happen—but God has unlimited wisdom.

This last week has been so difficult, and I can’t even explain why.  I don’t even know why my heart was so sad.  But God—He has perfect knowledge and eternal perspective.  And He loves us.

“We don’t have a God who gives explanation, but Himself.”  –David Platt

Imagine if God gave explanations.  Jamie, you’re sad because…you’ve lost friendships, you’re sick, work is difficult, you never see the sun, you’re lonely—the list could go on.  How would that help me?

Instead I have a God who brings Himself to me, in His word, in music, in spirit, and in creation, and how much more precious and reassuring is that than explanation.

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience,

but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

C.S. Lewis

PS. By the grace of God I came home and took an uninterrupted five hour nap...and I feel much, much, much better.

Day 158

I’m different.

I think anyone reading this blog knows this by now.  Not different in a, “Man, she’s unique—she’s special,” kind of way.  But in a weird way.

With the image I’ve had of myself it is hard for me to believe that anyone could genuinely love me or miss me.  And in my head, when I pull away, I always think people won't notice.

The thoughts that come to mind are…

“They’re not going to care about me.  They’re too busy…I’m not that important…they have other friends…they don’t need me…they probably don’t even notice I’m gone.”

And I’m not saying this in a self-pity kind of way, but matter-of-factly.  Like it’s known by everyone that I’m just not that important.

I had these thoughts when I came back from California.  And while I was going through a rough time, I pulled away.  I never thought my actions would hurt anyone, because I’ve never mattered enough to anyone for them to miss me.

Within the last couple of weeks I’ve spent time with friends that I pulled away from.  And it’s been a hard hitting reality that I hurt them.

I hurt them?  How is that even possible?  I just disappeared.  How can you hurt someone by disappearing?

Well, Jamie, as you’re finding out, these people love you, you, idiot.

I don’t think it’s anything that anyone could’ve said…I think it’s all in their faces and expressions.  Because every time I've met up with someone in the last few weeks, it’s the same emotion.  “You bailed on me.”  “You cut out.”  “You threw the deuces.”  “You left me hanging.”

And to sit there and see them hurting because of something I did—or didn’t—do, hurts my heart.  How could I hurt people?  I didn’t think I could, because that means that people would have actually have had to care.  And when has anyone ever cared enough about me to miss me?

I just want to reach out and apologize and say I’m sorry to them…I didn’t know it would hurt for me to pull away.  But I realize I’m sorry’s don’t mean much if the actions don’t change.  And after tonight I really just want to do better, be better, and be more and love more and show them that I do love them.

I’m so broken when it comes to friendships, and, God, I just pray for patience and grace and love and understanding.  Because, let’s face it, I have no idea what I’m doing.

Day 81

Tensions were high.

We were stressed, overwhelmed, and tired.

We snapped.

Well, I snapped first.  Then both of our attitudes went downhill.  Hurt people hurt people, and after everything we were going through, the last thing we needed was a fight.  The last thing we needed was to lose each other.  The last thing I needed was to hurt a friend.

And so I apologized.  I told her what hurt me.  And I asked her what hurt her.  Genuinely.

Friendship isn't based on the people you see the most.  Or the people that agree with you all the time.  Or how much you have in common.  Friendship is based on those who stick beside you when you're ugly.  When you're mean.  And when you're tired.  When you deserve a friend the least.  And true friendship gives grace.  She gave me grace today, and that is an act of love.

It was around noon that I left for lunch, the first one out.  (By the way, don't text and drive.  Not only is it illegal, it's illegible.)  And I asked her…

1:07 PM                u wantanythunv’?

1:07 PM                No thanks. I appreciate the offer

1:10 PM                You have a quality that will help your marriage last. Your willingness to fix situations will take you a long way.  Any man who gets the honor of marrying

1:10 PM                you will be so blessed.  You are a great person.

1:10 PM                Scratch great, wonderful

1:16 PM                That means a lot coming from you because I think the same of you. You are important to me and I love you.

1:25 PM                I love you more sister

She didn’t have to say any of that to me.  And yet, she did.  Upon grace, she gave me even more love.

Last night while listening to an Andy Stanley sermon, he said this:

"I'm not trying to be right...I'm trying to reconcile!"

How much better our relationships would be if we lowered our pride and let our concern for others rise.  How much better it would be if we let go of being right and set our hearts on being reconciled.  As difficult as it is to push that part of us down, reconciliation is worth it, because it gives us something our pride will never be able to…love.

Day 68

Today was a good day.  I prayed for it to be…and God answered in more ways than one.

• I enjoyed a long morning before work.
• A friend sent me an encouraging text message as I was driving to work.
• I was happy to have my coworker at work.
• Customers were nicer than yesterday.
• My friend bought me a Ring Pop :)
• Came home to a nice warm shower.
• Played with the pups.
• Saw Lauren and ate the best sandwich and drank the best green tea ever.
• Ending the night feeling relaxed and happy.

God has been sending me little I-love-you’s at every turn by way of wonderful people.  What else has been going on this week?

Death – Still really on my mind, but after talking to Lauren tonight, my heart is a little more at ease.  I feel like my thoughts were driving me crazy, and I am so thankful for her listening ear and prayerful heart and compassionate words.  Until that day comes, I will spend my days in Him.

Family – February is ticking a little bit closer each day.  I’m nervous to come home.  I am so thankful for the friends and influences that I have in my life who have similar walks.  Not everyone comes from a saved family and as the time draws near for me to see them again, my fear is that our contrast will be so great—too great.  I have to give this God and trust in Him completely, no matter what happens.  I love my family so, so, so much.  And I love Him.  And all things work together in His perfect plan.

Brothers – Ever since I became a Christian my heart has been searching for brothers.  I want men in my life who protect me, honor me, and above all love the God they serve.  Fellowship is responsible for the men in my life who I can look to as God-fearing examples.  And as friendships grow, I grow more thankful for their presence in my life.

Reading – I love reading.  I wish I had more time for it.  I have so many amazing books that I want to sink my teeth into.  Right now, I’m getting through C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity.  Now, I’m only in the beginning chapters, but I wonder if I would’ve appreciated this book earlier in my Christian walk when I was on the brink of accepting Christ.  I’m sticking with it, but just ordered The Screwtape Letters off Amazon.  That is one I’m really excited about.

Roommates – Lindsay moved out on Tuesday, and I miss her.  Between her and Micaela somehow my heart was changed.  I went from wanting to live alone to desperately wishing I had a two bedroom apartment.  It’s too quiet around here now.  And I will always love my doggies, but there’s nothing like human companionship.

Praying – Months ago I used to have my prayer request time, where I would pray for people in my life.  Strangers, friends, family, I would devote time solely to them.  Over the last month I’ve been a little Jamie-centered, and as of Monday I got into the swing of things again and started praying for others.  It gave me so much peace, and I felt like I was able to love them even if we were far apart or hadn’t seen each other in a while.

Messages – When I’ve been feeling low God has blessed me with some really wonderful people.  At different times throughout the week people have sent me messages through Facebook and texts that, without them maybe even meaning to, have encouraged me and reminded me that I’m loved.  Encouragement is like water to a dying man in the desert.  And, man, sometimes it’s the only thing keeping me going.

Day 51

If you tested me, I would probably be 51% introvert and 49% extravert.

That one percent makes a difference.

The last few months have been the best of my life.  I’ve found myself enveloped by the love of friends I never anticipated I would have.

I look at my calendar over the last two months.  Overjoyed by the fullness of my life, I smile.  Dinners out at Jason’s Deli and Newk’s, Christmas lights and nutcrackers.  But in this joy, there’s also a sadness.  Coffee dates I couldn’t make or messages I never found the energy to return.  For every one friend with whom I spent time, there was one friend I couldn’t.  A 1:1 ratio.

That’s a lot of apologies.   I’ve been struggling to make time for everyone, and still haven’t been successful.

Earlier this year I spent one night out and six in.  Just this last quarter, I’ve spent six out and one in—if I’m lucky.   At an average, I have at least 20 new people in my life.  Math time—if I spent one night a week with a friend, plus other engagements I had—dinners with other friends, work meetings, Sunday night groups, parties—it equals a pretty full calendar.

And while the extravert in me is shouting, “Play!” the introvert is crying, “Pause!”

It been months since I’ve had some “me” time. 

This is where that one percent makes a difference.  Exhaustion is setting in. 

That is why when Christmas rolled around, nothing made me happier than sitting on my couch, curled up with my dogs and a movie.  This is the unwinding time I’ve needed so badly.  Mentally, I just feel so much better, recharged.

There have been a lot of friends I’ve disappointed within the last few weeks.  And I’m sorry.  I’m struggling to find balance—between the extravert and introvert.  Please just give me grace as I learn how to find it, and don’t give up on me!

Day 32

Yesterday ended with tears in the middle of an empty parking lot.

The holidays have only amplified my feelings of sadness and guilt over the nonchalant disregard I have for my family.  Over the last 26 years I’ve been building up a wall against them—not wanting to love them deeply enough to allow them to hurt me.  Within the last five years, it’s been a lot easier to keep my emotional-distance—mostly because, physically, we’re 2,000 miles apart.  But these last few weeks have left me thinking of them, constantly, and last night the wall I had so intently built up against them crumbled.

They were already on my mind, but when I walked into a local thrift store escaping my thoughts of them was impossible.  Above me were the familiar voices of Dean Martin and Bing Crosby, softly crooning Christmas music.  In front of me were discarded mementoes from holidays past.  I was amazed as my eyes met each orphaned trinket how much I was reminded of home.

I'm pretty sure my mom has this same squirrel.

Visions of our family tree sparkled in my mind, reflections of a happy time.  Dad would spend hours decorating, Mom made an event of wrapping gifts, my brother and I hung ornaments as an organized team—or maybe we only thought we were organized—and Grandma and Grandpa would drive in from Walnut Creek to deliver Santa’s toys.  Christmas was the only time the Linfords felt like a family, and it was probably the last time I ever felt like we really were.

In January, it’ll be two years since Grandpa passed away, and this year will make it my fifth missed Stockton Christmas.

The entire atmosphere of the thrift store sank my heart.  My chest gave way to choked breaths, and I all but ran to the cashier to escape the nostalgia.  As I closed the door to my car, my eyes swelled, and my thoughts raced.

Why am I so far away from them?

Why can’t we be together?

Why can’t we be a family?

Why aren’t they saved?

Why can’t I save them?

Why do I have to be in this stupid city alone?

What am I here for?

I was throwing a temper tantrum.  In the middle of a parking lot.  I felt like I was five.  But I was angry.  Upset.  And hurt.  God knew.  Why can’t I be with my family during Christmas?!  Why does everyone else get to have family?!  He let me cry, be angry, and vent to Him in that damp lot and all the way home.

By the time I snuggled up into bed that night, I was spent.  Hugging my Bible, and desperate for perspective, I asked God to take me somewhere.  He led me to Malachi.  These are the verses that stood out:

“I have loved you,” said the Lord. “But you say, ‘How have you loved us?’” Malachi 1:2

I read this and I felt ungrateful.

A son honors his father, and a servant his master.  If then I am a father, where is my honor? Malachi 1:6

A lot of times I only trust God a little—not a lot, not all the way. 

And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers… Malachi 4:6

I pray often that I can be a light to my family and show them the love of God.  I pray their love for me in itself would cause them to be curious of my love for Him.

I wonder when I'll spend another Christmas with them.  I wonder if we'll ever feel like a family again.  I wonder if I'll ever have a family of my own...