Day 188

People always leave.

Underneath all my issues lies this.  The perception that has been shaping me since I was young.

Prepare your heart, Jamie, because people always leave.

Don’t let her in, Jamie, because she’s going to leave.

Don’t talk to him, Jamie, because he’s going to leave.

And then something happened.

I let people in.  And.

They left.

As much as I’m trying to reach out, it’s not enough to bring them back.  They’re gone.  That time of my life is over, and it hurts.  It’s on my heart daily.  And I’m furious with God.

Why would He give just to take away?  I had everything I wanted for four months, and now it’s like it never existed.  Why would you do this to me?  Don’t You love me?

Maybe I was naïve.  Naïve to think I could withdraw and return when I was emotionally ready to an intact, unchanged community.  Maybe I was more desperate for community than anyone else there.  Maybe I wasn’t good enough for them to want to stay.  Maybe I just wasn’t enough.  Whatever it is, it’s like trying to hold onto sand.  It’s all just fading away—it’s faded away, and there’s nothing I can do to bring them back.

So why do I keep trying?  The more I try, the more hurt I am.

They’ve left, Jamie!  They’re not coming back.  It’s not going to be like it was, and it won’t be ever again.

So, knowing that, why does it still hurt?

Because my deepest fear was reinforced.  I let people into my heart, I loved them so much, and now we can’t even make time for one another.  It’s true.  It’s true.  People always leave.  What’s the point of letting people in if they’re bound to leave?

I’m struggling so much with this.

What friends do I let into my life?  Girl friends will eventually find husbands and they won’t make time for me—suddenly life revolves around someone else and I disappear.  Guy friends will eventually find wives and the dynamic of our friendship will change.  They move on…why can’t I move on?

Tell my why, God.  I’m asking You now, show me why I need to let people in if they’re bound to walk away?

What’s the point?

-----------------

Minutes after writing this, I checked my Twitter and came upon Priscilla Shirer’s tweet.

Maybe there’s purpose in the pain.  I’m just not looking deep enough.

Day 14

I think there are more days now that I don’t want to write than I do.  Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Earlier this week on Twitter I prayed for discomfort.  God answered that one fast.  Yup.

Dis-ease.  I don’t like to be disappointed, but it happened today.  I hate disappointing others, but that happened today, too.  Now I’m sitting here, feeling stressed out and angry.  I just want to lash out, but I don’t, but I do, but I don’t.  Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

White chocolate mocha.  The day started out great, with me having coffee with Leonard.  Coolest guy ever.  Even saved my life from an umbrella.  He’s been really encouraging during this healing process.  He knows some of my story and where my heart is hurting and has done his best to be a friend to me. It was nice to be able to talk and get to know him better.  Thank you for the coffee, Leonard! :)  Next round is mine.

Under construction.  With disappointment on my mind, I am going to acknowledge three things at which I am terrible.  Remembering anything, returning text messages and talking on the phone.  I hate talking on the phone with a passion.  At times I can handle it when conversations are short, but I think my aunt has traumatized me forever.  When I was in middle school she kept me on the phone for five hours talking about nothing three times a week, maybe more.  How do you talk about nothing for five hours?!  I have no idea.  And I don’t care to find out.  Buuuuut I need to talk on the phone.  I know that.  I have friends I can't just sit down and grab coffee with...  And text messages—I am so bad about looking at my phone, intending to respond, and then my attention gets drawn elsewhere—at work, or shopping, or eating—and I just forget.  Which goes hand in hand with my terrible memory.  I can remember some things perfectly, and other things it’s like you may as well have never told me at all.

Something I love?  Thrift store shopping.  It’s like looking through an eternity of memories when I’m in a thrift store.  All the old things which were, at some point, treasured.  And I’ve found some great treasures in my expeditions.  In fact, I’ve gotten more compliments on clothes I’ve bought from Goodwill than I have from Target.  Annnnd I just discovered that each store has a RELIGIOUS section for books.  Who knew?  I didn’t!  John Piper’s The Dangerous Duty of Delight, Peace for a Woman’s Soul (thank You, God, yes, I will be needing this), Max Lucado’s The Greatest Moments in the Life of Christ, and Daniel Partner’s Hymns of God’s Love were among my purchases today.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.  Still stressed.  Looking forward to tomorrow night.  Maybe I’ll feel better by then.  For now, I’m going to bed.