Underneath all my issues lies this. The perception that has been shaping me since
I was young.
Prepare your heart,
Jamie, because people always leave.
Don’t let her in,
Jamie, because she’s going to leave.
Don’t talk to him,
Jamie, because he’s going to leave.
And then something happened.
I let people in.
And.
They left.
As much as I’m trying to reach out, it’s not enough to
bring them back. They’re gone. That time of my life is over, and it hurts. It’s on my heart daily. And I’m furious with God.
Why would He give just to take away? I had everything I wanted for four months,
and now it’s like it never existed. Why
would you do this to me? Don’t You love
me?
Maybe I was naïve.
Naïve to think I could withdraw and return when I was emotionally ready
to an intact, unchanged community. Maybe
I was more desperate for community than anyone else there. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for them to want
to stay. Maybe I just wasn’t
enough. Whatever it is, it’s like trying
to hold onto sand. It’s all just fading
away—it’s faded away, and there’s nothing I can do to bring them back.
So why do I keep trying?
The more I try, the more hurt I am.
They’ve left, Jamie!
They’re not coming back. It’s not
going to be like it was, and it won’t be ever again.
So, knowing that, why does it still hurt?
Because my deepest fear was reinforced. I let people into my heart, I loved them so
much, and now we can’t even make time for one another. It’s true.
It’s true. People always
leave. What’s the point of letting
people in if they’re bound to leave?
I’m struggling so
much with this.
What friends do I let into my life? Girl friends will eventually find husbands
and they won’t make time for me—suddenly life revolves around someone else and
I disappear. Guy friends will eventually
find wives and the dynamic of our friendship will change. They move on…why can’t I move on?
Tell my why, God.
I’m asking You now, show me why I need to let people in if they’re bound
to walk away?
What’s the point?
-----------------
Minutes after writing this, I checked my Twitter and came
upon Priscilla Shirer’s tweet.
Maybe there’s purpose in the pain. I’m just not looking deep enough.
