When I was younger and transitioned from not having
friends to having friends, I was so happy.
I was so elated that I would go anywhere and do anything just to be with
them. Anything they wanted to do, I
wanted to do, too, if it meant having them in my life. It also meant pushing my true desires and
hobbies aside to make room for theirs—but hey, I had friends. Who cared, right?
Then somewhere along the lines I made a vow to myself and
to God that, well, all that really cool stuff I wanted to do, all the stuff He
blessed me with the ability of doing—I would do, friends or not. I’ve learned to decline an invitation if
saying yes means saying no to my heart.
My heart right now is follow God, but what does that mean
if following God means I’m supposed to be alone?
Today Satan must’ve been standing, applauding. My bitterness from dedication to this vow was
eating away at my heart, bit by hurtful bit.
God, I thought You delivered me
from this? Why have I returned? I thought You saved me and loved me more than
this. How long am I really meant to be
alone?
You want insight to my life? Watch Eat Pray Love. Like Liz, I endeavor upon a journey alone,
purposely, but unpurposely. Venturing
out to these places, but wishing so much that I had someone to share in these
moments.
I will not downplay the loneliness. At every turn this afternoon I watched as
people—parents and children, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives,
friends—enjoyed the day. Bitter thoughts
and feelings twisted violently around my heart like smothering vines. I will not downplay it, but I need to
recognize how I’m growing through it and enjoying life in spite of it.
As the OYC has pulled me away from relying on men, it is
starting to transform my dependency on all people. Customers, coworkers, family, community, and
especially friends—in what does my joy truly lie?
October I was delivered from a desolate place, receiving
a plethora of friends from God. November
through January were sweet, sweet months of learning and growing, and feeling a
part of something I’ve never before been a part of. As February rolled in, so did my trip to
California, and then I slipped into depression upon the return to Memphis,
which drew me away from all those friends.
March to present day? I’m back to
square one. And it could also be
considered worse now, because in a sense I’m choosing to be alone. The scale these days is seemingly: FRIENDS or SOMETHING I
REALLY, REALLY WANT TO DO. And while it
is not easy in the least, the latter
is where I've been led.
Oh, how the mighty
have fallen. I laughed at myself as
I thought this today. A few months ago I
was laboring with how to manage a multitude of friendships, and as of today,
well, that "burden" has been lifted off my shoulders. Thanks, God, I guess?
So much can change in a few months. And I consider this now as my Membership
Ceremony with the church is next weekend.
Three months ago when I signed up, I felt sure that this is where God
was calling me to be. But as I looked
out today into the crowd after service, all I saw were strangers. I can’t feel God telling me to be here
anymore. And I can’t figure out
why. My heart has changed and I’m not so
sure I’m meant to be at this church. Where
I once felt like family, now I just feel alone.
But, all things work through God and for God.
If the enemy is using this time to destruct my heart, to
rip me away, to keep me alone, to hurt me, that means that God is using this
time for something, too.
I asked for God to build me. That’s what this OYC is all about, and if I
forget that, I forget my purpose. And I
have to remember if this searing loneliness builds in me something happiness can
not right now, so be it. Grow me. I have eternity for happiness, for joy. But I can’t get there unless He gets me
there.
God, whatever Your will is for my life right now, please,
just help me to remember You’re in control.
Please remind me that I can trust You.
You’ve proven to me time and time again Your devout love for me and that
You have my good in mind. I pray that
You keep this loneliness in my heart, because without it, I would lose the
desire for community and essentially You.
And just because I don’t have community now doesn’t mean I won’t ever
have it—I need to remember that. You
gave it to me once before, You can do it again.
I just have to trust Your purpose and reasoning for my life and know
that whatever You have planned is far better than me bending and yielding to
the will of myself. Let me be courageous
enough to follow You, to go against the grain, and to experience life—not ever
really alone, but with You, always with You.
And one day You’ll provide all for which I ask.
Remember the Good:
·
Found downtown all by myself and didn’t get lost
·
Found parking all by myself
·
Walked the entire span of the festival
·
Had a crisp refreshing Bud Light
·
Ate an entire bucket of amazing crawfish
·
Laughed with the two nice families sitting
around me
·
Saw the river
·
Listened to live music
·
Had the best funnel cake ever
·
Had the best lemonade ever with my favorite type
of ice cubes
·
Found my way home
·
For the first time, didn’t get lost on my way
home
·
Perfect weather
