Day 257

These last two weeks have been really difficult.

Like, the kind of difficult where I'm surprised I: still have a job, the engine in my car hasn’t exploded, neither of my dogs are dead, and I wasn't evicted.

That kind of difficult where everything has gone wrong.

This is probably the lowest point I've been in the entire OYC, but it's also probably the lowest point I've been as a believer.  A part of me never expected to feel this low again, subconsciously thinking being a follower of Christ would make the pain easier.

Well, I wish I could say it had.

But I'm struggling to stay afloat.  Every piece of me is spiritually hurting, definitely emotionally hurting, and even physically hurting.  One stint after another.  And I'm exhausted.  I'm exhausted from just...trying to stay afloat.

I'm in The Word, I'm praying, I am talking to God, but does any of it—has any of it helped me focus on the eternity instead of the now?

No, I'm crying out, "That's a great suggestion, God, but I'm in the world right now, I'm human, and I'm hurting!  The view from down here sucks and I'm drowning!"

So many pitfalls this week...  Innumerable...  As time has gone on, I've had those moments where you laugh to keep from crying.  You know those moments, right?

The I sent my rent check in the mail and it was lost moment...

The I went to the ER and insurance actually doesn't cover this moment...

The My dog had diarrhea again and I just finished cleaning the first round up moment...

The My cracked windshield is the one thing my full coverage doesn't cover moment...

The The friend I thought I could count on to understand, doesn't moment...

The She's my mother and she just said something that emotionally broke me moment...

The I washed my favorite shirt like always and it ripped in the machine moment...

The The customer I thought would always treat me with respect threw me under the bus moment...

The The client I've been working my ass off to help left me for another provider moment...

The The venue I wanted has been available this whole time and now it's not moment...

The Yet another couple formed and I'm still single moment...

The I have GPS and it automatically updated without my permission and now doesn't work when I'm out of town and need it the most moment...

I have had my share of moments these last few weeks, and I just want to throw up my flag.  What's worse is I really just want to say I don't care...  I want to shove it down and bury it and pretend like everything's okay.  Because I have God now and everything is supposed to be okay, right?  Why is that easier said than done?  Why is it not pinned to my heart like I thought it was?

I don't want to be the Christian whose seed of faith dies in the summer heat, when the difficult times arise.  And I don't think I am, but God...I feel like I'm going to break at any moment...the next moment.  And...

...where are you in this?

Day 119

Life.  I don’t even know how to sum up where I am at this point in the OYC.

Vacation was amazing.  I spent time with my family and friends.  I didn’t get to see everyone, and those I didn’t see (Rebekah, Andrea, and Fred) were missed, but all in all, it was a much better trip than I anticipated.

Challenge-wise, a few things changed in my heart while I was there.  Two major points of notation were the Soarin’ Over California ride and watching Eat Pray Love.

During this first moment is when I realized that not being married, not having kids, and not having a white picket fence wouldn’t leave me paralyzed in some land of unfulfillment.   Instead, for the first time, I think being single excited me.  One door closed meant I could pay attention to the other doors that are open: traveling, exploring the world, seeing new things, experiencing new things, cruises, shopping—Jamie-revolving-dreams, not family-revolving dreams.  Sounds a little selfish, but each person has their own path and none of us were promised the same thing. 

The second moment is during the movie, Eat Pray Love.  Delia looks at her best friend, the now-divorced, Liz Gilbert, who is about to embark on an amazing journey, and says she loves her husband, loves her baby, loves her life…but she so desperately wishes she could just up and go, too.  And it hit me.  The grass is always greener.  I’ve heard it before; the singles wish they were married, and the married wish they were single.  Being single isn’t a death sentence.  Moms have opportunities, single women have opportunities—they’re just different opportunities.  And I was, like, “Okay, that makes sense.  I can be happy like this.”

So while I’m at peace with not dating right now, the rest of my life has decided to tumble.  California brought me to a very good place in that respect, but left my heart aching in other ways.  I have never so desperately missed my family.  And my friends in California.  We grow up and older each year, and while it’s beautiful to see, I can’t shake the feeling of the ticking of the clock.  Life is short.  Where do I need to be spending it?

One of my customers came in on Friday and asked me about my trip.  I told her my feelings, and she said, “When you’re not settled down, you have the opportunity [to move if you want to].  It’s one of the perks.”  And that made it all the more tempting and realistic to think about moving back to California.

But then what about my life in Memphis?  Maybe my time here is passing.  Tabitha has moved away.  Micaela has moved away.  April is moving away.  And other friends are growing—and I’m so proud of them.  Paths are shifting and it’s hard to stay in each other’s lives.  But I also have so many people in my life, it’s hard to keep up with them all.

I’m so tired, God.  Just tired.  I feel like I’ve been moving full-speed for the last year and a half.  I don’t know what happened that I’m always doing something and don’t have time…I just don’t have it, and not having time leads to not having energy.  I don’t want to be a bad friend, but not leaving people hanging has become such a struggle. 

And I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to learn about You, disciple others, still have a social life, work 40 hours a week, not live in the same city as my family, take care of two dogs, own and operate a working car, live alone in an apartment, have a community group, have a small group, and be a member of a church all at the same time.

I’m breaking, God.

I’m not a good multi-tasker at all, and I’m failing.  I’m failing and I’m sinking, and I don’t know what to do or which direction my heart is pulling.

Please help me know.

Day 4

Goodbye to you.

Goodbye to everything I thought I knew.

Within the last three weeks I've said goodbye to people in my life that were pretty significant.  Somehow, I couldn't grow with them, and the day came to go our separate ways.

I still miss him.  I wonder if he knows.  We never had a formal goodbye.  But maybe it's better that way.

I find myself wanting to call him, but I know it wouldn't do either of us any good.  It's best for us to be separated.  If walking away from somebody is the best way you can love them, then you do it.  We hurt each other so much.  I hope he knows I love him, and want him to be closer to God.  I didn't bring him closer to Him, so, if I love him, and I do, I do what's right for him.  I need to honor and respect him as my brother in Christ.  Maybe another day, maybe another day we can be...but maybe not.  I do miss his friendship terribly.

Along with him, many friendships have ended.  The season has passed and it feels right.  I'm not clinging to sorta-kindas anymore.  I can't cling.  I finally feel like there are people in my life who want to grow.  I pray for my old friends.  I pray that maybe we'll meet again.  And I can be better.  I can be better for us all.