Vacation was amazing.
I spent time with my family and friends.
I didn’t get to see everyone, and those I didn’t see (Rebekah, Andrea, and Fred) were missed, but
all in all, it was a much better trip than I anticipated.
Challenge-wise, a few things changed in my heart while I
was there. Two major points of notation
were the Soarin’ Over California ride and watching Eat Pray Love.
During this first moment is when I realized that not being married, not having kids, and not having
a white picket fence wouldn’t leave me paralyzed in some land of
unfulfillment. Instead, for the first
time, I think being single excited me.
One door closed meant I could pay attention to the other doors that are
open: traveling, exploring the world, seeing new things, experiencing new things, cruises, shopping—Jamie-revolving-dreams, not family-revolving
dreams. Sounds a little selfish, but
each person has their own path and none of us were promised the same thing.
The second moment is during the movie, Eat Pray Love. Delia looks at her best friend,
the now-divorced, Liz Gilbert, who is about to embark on an amazing journey, and
says she loves her husband, loves her baby, loves her life…but she so
desperately wishes she could just up and go, too. And it hit me. The grass is always greener. I’ve heard it before; the singles wish they
were married, and the married wish they were single. Being single isn’t a death sentence. Moms have opportunities, single women have
opportunities—they’re just different opportunities. And I was, like, “Okay, that makes
sense. I can be happy like this.”
So while I’m at peace with not dating right now, the rest
of my life has decided to tumble.
California brought me to a very good place in that respect, but left my
heart aching in other ways. I have never
so desperately missed my family. And my
friends in California. We grow up and
older each year, and while it’s beautiful to see, I can’t shake the feeling of
the ticking of the clock. Life is
short. Where do I need to be spending
it?
One of my customers came in on Friday and asked me about
my trip. I told her my feelings, and she
said, “When you’re not settled down, you have the opportunity [to move if you
want to]. It’s one of the perks.” And that made it all the more tempting and realistic to think about moving back
to California.
But then what about my life in Memphis? Maybe my time here is passing. Tabitha has moved away. Micaela has moved away. April is moving away. And other friends are growing—and I’m so
proud of them. Paths are shifting and it’s
hard to stay in each other’s lives. But
I also have so many people in my life, it’s hard to keep up with them all.
I’m so tired, God.
Just tired. I feel like I’ve been
moving full-speed for the last year and a half.
I don’t know what happened that I’m always doing something and don’t
have time…I just don’t have it, and not having time leads to not having
energy. I don’t want to be a bad friend,
but not leaving people hanging has become such a struggle.
And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to learn about You, disciple
others, still have a social life, work 40 hours a week, not live in the same
city as my family, take care of two dogs, own and operate a working car, live
alone in an apartment, have a community group, have a small group, and be a
member of a church all at the same time.
I’m breaking, God.
I’m not a good multi-tasker at all, and I’m failing. I’m failing and I’m sinking, and I don’t know
what to do or which direction my heart is pulling.
Please help me know.
