Day 357

I collected Psalms for the October edition of my girls group.

 

And as I wrote each question for each Psalm, I paused and wondered which girl would receive what verse and what it would mean in the present state of her life.

When I saw Psalm 51:8, I thought to myself, “Whoever picks this is going to be going through a rough time right now…”

And as I opened my pocket today, I almost laughed as I read its words. 

 

Yup, I’m definitely going through a rough time right now.

When I say I’m miserable, I’m miserable.  I am fighting through misery to understand why God has me where He has me these days.  My heart is torn in fifty-million directions, aching and confused.  I don’t blame God for what I’m feeling, but neither do I know how to thank Him or find joy in my every day for what He has given me.

It is so easy to let a heart grow heavy and anxious.  It is so easy to not rejoice in His goodness.  It is so easy to complain, to cry, to pity oneself.

I can’t find peace.  I can’t find joy.

But stress finds me.  Jealousy finds me.  Anger resides in my heart.

Admittedly I haven’t been spending much time with God lately.  As it has a habit of doing, time moves so quickly, and in busyness, unfortunately, I fail to make a priority in intentionally spend time with Him and Him alone.

I prayed today when I returned home, and my hands went searching through my library.  Ten books I pulled down from the shelves and sat, flipping open to random pages, praying for vision, direction, comfort, understanding, and peace.

Lovingly, God always obliges when I ransack my shelving, taking me to pages that offer wisdom, comfort, and sense.

My soul, practice being alone with Christ.  O my soul, practice that solitude!  Practice dismissing the crowd!  Practice the stillness of your heart! (Streams in the Desert)

Stand firmly in the place where your dear Lord has put you, and do your best there…The strongest and greatest character is grown through hardship. (Streams in the Desert)

Linda didn’t fit in with the rest of the crowd, but the teacher fought for her, adored her, and gave her a way out.  God still loves me if no one else does, and He fights for me. (Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul)

When we worship in these hard places, we are reminded that none of it is about us—it’s about God. (What Happens When Women Say Yes to God)

Courage in suffering. (A Man Worth Waiting For)

The true nature of a heart is seen in the response to the unattractive. (And the Angels Were Silent)

Pray in three areas for your future spouse. (The Love Dare)

Young girl, I tell you to stand up!  Talitha, koum! (The Greatest Moments in the Life of Christ)

All of these notes mingled together, offering both unanimous and singular advice.

Then I read on through more of the Psalms, let the saddened feelings of David resonate within my own worries, but taking to heart his moments filled with light, worship, and hope.

Please give me peace for the coming days, God, and help me to remain close to You.  For there is no peace with You.  No joy.  No hope.  Please help me stay close, keeping You at the center of my weak heart.

Day 213

I wasn’t happy to come back to Memphis.

I just wasn’t.

Unsatisfied.  That’s what I’ve been feeling a lot of lately.

There’s an insatiable hunger for change growing inside me.  Once a year I get the I-want-to-move-somewhere-else-and-see-a-different-side-of-the-world bug.  I think that’s happening now.

As the days pass, I see more and more why God did what He did at certain points in my life.  Him closing doors meant opening others.

What I speak of now is that five years ago I moved to Memphis.  And I have nothing here holding me back from moving again—should that be the direction of my life.

I have no career.  I have no family.  I have no boyfriend.  The life I have here I could very well have anywhere else.

I did it once before.  Surely I can do it again?

It seems as though my time in Memphis is passing and coming to an end.

And it’s confusing to hear God say, “Find joy where I have you,” in addition to, “Be ready for anything.”

His, “Be ready for anything,” has a slight feel of meaning, “Be ready to be uprooted.”

What does He mean?

Of course I can’t know until He tells me, and right now He’s being really vague.

God, I’m ready to go wherever You’ll take me…

…but am I ready to stay if You say remain?

Trying to fix my heart to be in His right now, but I’m struggling.  I’m struggling to wait on You, Lord.

And I go to sleep tonight with an empty feeling, a feeling of longing, and I know this is for what I prayed, but I didn’t expect to feel so confused.

Tonight, I am young, and I’m ready to set the world on fire, if You’ll just tell me where to land. 

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you (Psalm 33:20-22).

Day 14

I think there are more days now that I don’t want to write than I do.  Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Earlier this week on Twitter I prayed for discomfort.  God answered that one fast.  Yup.

Dis-ease.  I don’t like to be disappointed, but it happened today.  I hate disappointing others, but that happened today, too.  Now I’m sitting here, feeling stressed out and angry.  I just want to lash out, but I don’t, but I do, but I don’t.  Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

White chocolate mocha.  The day started out great, with me having coffee with Leonard.  Coolest guy ever.  Even saved my life from an umbrella.  He’s been really encouraging during this healing process.  He knows some of my story and where my heart is hurting and has done his best to be a friend to me. It was nice to be able to talk and get to know him better.  Thank you for the coffee, Leonard! :)  Next round is mine.

Under construction.  With disappointment on my mind, I am going to acknowledge three things at which I am terrible.  Remembering anything, returning text messages and talking on the phone.  I hate talking on the phone with a passion.  At times I can handle it when conversations are short, but I think my aunt has traumatized me forever.  When I was in middle school she kept me on the phone for five hours talking about nothing three times a week, maybe more.  How do you talk about nothing for five hours?!  I have no idea.  And I don’t care to find out.  Buuuuut I need to talk on the phone.  I know that.  I have friends I can't just sit down and grab coffee with...  And text messages—I am so bad about looking at my phone, intending to respond, and then my attention gets drawn elsewhere—at work, or shopping, or eating—and I just forget.  Which goes hand in hand with my terrible memory.  I can remember some things perfectly, and other things it’s like you may as well have never told me at all.

Something I love?  Thrift store shopping.  It’s like looking through an eternity of memories when I’m in a thrift store.  All the old things which were, at some point, treasured.  And I’ve found some great treasures in my expeditions.  In fact, I’ve gotten more compliments on clothes I’ve bought from Goodwill than I have from Target.  Annnnd I just discovered that each store has a RELIGIOUS section for books.  Who knew?  I didn’t!  John Piper’s The Dangerous Duty of Delight, Peace for a Woman’s Soul (thank You, God, yes, I will be needing this), Max Lucado’s The Greatest Moments in the Life of Christ, and Daniel Partner’s Hymns of God’s Love were among my purchases today.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.  Still stressed.  Looking forward to tomorrow night.  Maybe I’ll feel better by then.  For now, I’m going to bed.