Day 213

I wasn’t happy to come back to Memphis.

I just wasn’t.

Unsatisfied.  That’s what I’ve been feeling a lot of lately.

There’s an insatiable hunger for change growing inside me.  Once a year I get the I-want-to-move-somewhere-else-and-see-a-different-side-of-the-world bug.  I think that’s happening now.

As the days pass, I see more and more why God did what He did at certain points in my life.  Him closing doors meant opening others.

What I speak of now is that five years ago I moved to Memphis.  And I have nothing here holding me back from moving again—should that be the direction of my life.

I have no career.  I have no family.  I have no boyfriend.  The life I have here I could very well have anywhere else.

I did it once before.  Surely I can do it again?

It seems as though my time in Memphis is passing and coming to an end.

And it’s confusing to hear God say, “Find joy where I have you,” in addition to, “Be ready for anything.”

His, “Be ready for anything,” has a slight feel of meaning, “Be ready to be uprooted.”

What does He mean?

Of course I can’t know until He tells me, and right now He’s being really vague.

God, I’m ready to go wherever You’ll take me…

…but am I ready to stay if You say remain?

Trying to fix my heart to be in His right now, but I’m struggling.  I’m struggling to wait on You, Lord.

And I go to sleep tonight with an empty feeling, a feeling of longing, and I know this is for what I prayed, but I didn’t expect to feel so confused.

Tonight, I am young, and I’m ready to set the world on fire, if You’ll just tell me where to land. 

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you (Psalm 33:20-22).