Day 213

I wasn’t happy to come back to Memphis.

I just wasn’t.

Unsatisfied.  That’s what I’ve been feeling a lot of lately.

There’s an insatiable hunger for change growing inside me.  Once a year I get the I-want-to-move-somewhere-else-and-see-a-different-side-of-the-world bug.  I think that’s happening now.

As the days pass, I see more and more why God did what He did at certain points in my life.  Him closing doors meant opening others.

What I speak of now is that five years ago I moved to Memphis.  And I have nothing here holding me back from moving again—should that be the direction of my life.

I have no career.  I have no family.  I have no boyfriend.  The life I have here I could very well have anywhere else.

I did it once before.  Surely I can do it again?

It seems as though my time in Memphis is passing and coming to an end.

And it’s confusing to hear God say, “Find joy where I have you,” in addition to, “Be ready for anything.”

His, “Be ready for anything,” has a slight feel of meaning, “Be ready to be uprooted.”

What does He mean?

Of course I can’t know until He tells me, and right now He’s being really vague.

God, I’m ready to go wherever You’ll take me…

…but am I ready to stay if You say remain?

Trying to fix my heart to be in His right now, but I’m struggling.  I’m struggling to wait on You, Lord.

And I go to sleep tonight with an empty feeling, a feeling of longing, and I know this is for what I prayed, but I didn’t expect to feel so confused.

Tonight, I am young, and I’m ready to set the world on fire, if You’ll just tell me where to land. 

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you (Psalm 33:20-22).

Day 207

God, I’m going to be blunt.

A husband is at the end of my list right now.  I know, the priority of the girl doing the OYC isn’t a husband right now?!

Gasp.

Yes, that has freaking fallen to the last of my list, because other things have finally taken the front seat!

What?!

Yeah!  A purpose beyond that of being a wife.

God, I need You to give me something I can be passionate about.

I feel and I’ve felt like I’ve been walking aimlessly now for the last…at least…year of my life.

My deepest desire is for the Kingdom.  I just don’t know how to serve it.  I don’t know how to use what I’m good at to save people.

I want to be passionate about something.

I want to be on fire.

I want to make a difference.

I want to change lives.

I want to do whatever You want me to do.

So what is it?

Or are you asking me, still, to wait?

And, if so, wait for what?

What are you showing me in this midst of the silence?

I am begging You…You see me down here on my knees, God?  Give me something to do!

I have at least two people in my life that are passionately pursuing their paths designed from You.  And I am so encouraged and challenged by their hearts.  They are amazing people, Christ!  Now could You please set a desire in me?  Or at least a path to get me to that point?

Where can I serve?  Who can I call out to?  Who can I disciple?

Freakin’ disciple me!  Bring somebody into my life that can lead me, guide me, show me, counsel me, push me!

God, give me these things so I can at least adequately and pursue Your heart!

Little bit frustrated.  Little bit challenged.  Overall excited.  But so desperate to find purpose.  Help, Christ and the Holy Spirit!  Lead me to the fount that will give an answer, a direction…

I love You, and I trust You.  You can do anything.  You can make the impossible, possible.

…my best friends can be saved.

…my family can be saved.

…my brother can be healed.

…I can be healed.

…you can make me a wife.

…and I know You can ignite inside me a passion for something.  Anything!

Let’s start making the impossible, possible, God, like only You can!