Day 358

Free-heart

Let him be past all his past relationships, his heart free from resentment, pining, and unfinished business.

It took me three years to get over him.

Mistakenly, I dated men throughout the process.  I tried to heal myself through them, both directly and indirectly.

Directly, I tried to change them, suffering from comparing everything they were doing to everything that had been done.  Trying to let their love and acceptance and validation overwhelm the unmovable rejection and hurt.  The more I tried to heal from their love the worse the hurt became, and the more I tried to change them in a preemptive attempt to prevent the coming end of the relationship.

And even through it all sometimes I would think, "I really miss him." While someone else held me, wishing that it was him instead, cheating my current beau out of purity and devotion.  My mind wandered, my heart still too deep in my past to give to anyone else.

And because I've worked on my heart, my obedience to God, set my determination to let myself be loved by Him, I ask for this in a husband.  I pray for a man who has devoted His life and His heart to God.  Someone who has spent time relinquishing the past.  Someone who harbors no hurt feelings.  I do not wish for someone perfect, but someone who is ready to give his heart to me with no discrepancies, no unreal expectations, and no attachments.  A freed heart.

You can't give your heart to someone new when it belongs to someone else.  Rule one.  Rule two is, you shouldn't let someone into your heart until you've given it completely to God.  Give it, as broken as it may have been, giving the peace back to the Healer, letting Him bandage the wounds.  Letting Him heal your heart.  Not expecting me to do that for you.  Not wishing you were still with her.  Not seeing her out and wishing that was you beside her.

Two hearts, new to each other, would do well to release all hurt prior to their meeting, so that availability to be loved can be met with a freshness and a chance to bloom.

Day 356

Loneliness

Let him be a man who will not date me out of loneliness, but out of true interest.

I have dated men out of loneliness.

But what is a relationship born out of loneliness?

Misery.  Misery from unmeetable expectations from an unrealistic responsibility.

When you date out of loneliness, you are not asking anything of your partner except for company.  You are not interested in character, or habits, but just the mere presence of someone—anyone.  And those who move quickly often deny their non-negotiables whereas those willing to wait—though they wait—will be much more satisfied in who they have awaited.

Where before it was about mere occupancy, now it becomes about something much deeper.

Character.

And be assured that character and vacancy are not on the same clock.  A date born out of loneliness meets its expiration immediately, whereas a date set on character affords mileage to be had, and, truly, a merrier ride.

Day 355

Intimidation

Let him be not intimidated by my spirit or walk with Christ, having diligently pursued God in his own life.

　

The older generations always seem so sad when they find that I’m single.

Suggestions, advice—even an occasional grunt is uttered in response to my news that finds them not so well.

Recently, a man asked, “Miss Jamie, do you think that you’re intimidating?”

I thought, curious.

He quickly made sure I knew it was a compliment, and went on his way.  But the question lingered.

Is it a bad thing, if it is the case, to intimidate men?

The world doesn’t glamorize strong women.  It makes fun of them.  Instead beautiful women are idolized and are more easily ranked among the most wanted.  But strong?

What man wants a strong woman?

And then it came to me.  A strong man.

A man who is strong in his own right, a man who is secure in himself, a man secure in a Christ who saved Him and loves him—that is the man strong enough to handle a strong woman.

In many ways, as God always finds a way to shield and protect, if this is the case, that I intimidate men, I should find myself in good company.  He has given me assurance that a man who approaches me will be securely invested in Him, knowing who He is, and who he is, before wanting to know who I am.

To appreciate my beauty, he’ll have to know Christ.
To appreciate my past, he’ll have to be secure in Christ.
To appreciate my present, he’ll have to see through the eyes of Christ.
To appreciate my personality, he’ll have to know the character of God.

To know me, truly, he must know Him who made me.

My heart seeks he who can lead me.  And until one finds me, it is upon only Him that I rest myself, my soul always enjoying the intimacy of His love.

Day 354

Shyness

Let him be a man who desires to pursue in spite of my shy nature.

I have faith that God can use what we think is a personality blip for His glory and for our good.

Never have I liked being the center of attention.  Instead, a comfy wall offers more comfort.  To survive school, I trained myself to be unheard and unseen, resting into the backdrop in the lives of others.

So this is why it must send me into shock when, from across a crowded room, an attractive single man notices me.

A smile sends me into a panic.

A wave flushes my cheek with color.

And conversation makes my heart palpitate as if I just sprinted a mile.

My motor functions fail and I stare blankly in response or dart away into another grocery aisle in avoidance.

I cannot help but wonder if this shyness is God's cloaking, for what man will take notice of me, a shadow?

He who pursues will have to have a heart of determination and an eye set to find me.

His way will be hedged up, fortitude his friend.  To pursue that which seems unpursuable, one must desire to invest, for no one invests lightly.  A lackadaisical investment does not exist as the word itself calls for true interest, energy, time, and passion.

A man interested in an easy quest will learn all too quickly I'm not what he wants.  And for that I'm thankful.

Day 298

I went in for some water.

But she was sitting there, phone to her ear and panic in her voice.

In the midst of a hurricane hitting New Orleans, she was in our break room, talking hurriedly with her brother, a resident of a now flooded house with no rescue in sight.

By the time she had hung up I had walked over to her.  Embracing her and taking her shoulder, I listened as she explained her panicked tone.

Fast rising water.  No electricity.  Having to make it across the formed gulf for rescue.  A neighbor with a new born baby.  Rain.  Unending rain.

Her words flowed together like the very water she described.

I knew what the Spirit was moving me to do, and nervously, I asked, "Miss Wallace...can we pray?  Let me pray for you?"  I held out my hands for hers.

My heart ached for the right words, and only Lord knows if I found them.  I prayed over her, her family, and the rescue teams.  When I heard her phone buzzing, I ended quickly, leaving her to answer the calls coming from the rest of her family.

There are several times within the last year that the Holy Spirit moved me to pray with people, and I refused.  Making excuses, I withheld, letting others lead them in prayer, or walking away and avoiding the situation entirely.  It took months to be able to even pray out loud with friends.  Strangers?  No way.

And then, like everything else in my life, He usurped my wants and, in all my discomfort, has had me pray over two people within the last four days.

Crazy.

Though my words are simple, I know they're really His, and that the Lord will use whatever moments for His greater glory and divine purpose.

Not only have I been praying with people, but I've been creating prayer circles and prayer partners.  Suddenly the fear of no prayer is greater than the fear of being rejected.  And so I sought out a few others to pray for her intentionally.

Searching out people to pray for each other has become a mission.  And actually, prayer, all around, seems to be becoming a bigger portion of my life.

God is trusting me with so much, and I just want to do right by Him.

And I know that this is only just the beginning.

Day 258

We share the same birth month.  We share most of the same outlooks on life, the world, and people.  We share the same cheeks, body frame, and hair.  We love animals, fight to love people through our impatience and ugliness, can be self-righteous and temperamental.  We're both Cancers.  We both love Corvettes.  Our souls are knit together in a father-daughter bond that can never be unbound while here on earth.  And it's my prayer that this bond continues into and through eternity.  But I know that can only happen one way...

Happy birthday to my dad.  Too far away to hug.  Too far away to watch as he refuses to age.  Too far away to remind him to take it easy with a loving pat on his shoulder.  Too far away to see his smile.  Too far away to enjoy these precious years of his life...

...but not too far gone to be saved.  Not too far for the Holy Spirit to touch.  Not too far away for God to open his heart.

It's not too late.

God, save him.  Do whatever You have to do to save him.

Dad, it's your sixtieth, but you're still the same 40 year old I remember from my youth.  I love you and I pray for you every day.  Every day.  Even if it's just a sentence.  Sometimes it's a paragraph.  Some days it's all day.  Please be open to Christ.  Please, please, please know the truth.

God, please don't let him die not knowing...

Day 245

If we hadn’t had a guest speaker, we wouldn’t have gotten out early.

If we hadn’t gotten out early, I wouldn’t have been standing idly in the hallway.

If I hadn’t been standing idly in the hallway, I wouldn’t have seen her.

If I hadn’t have seen her, we wouldn’t have had the most unintentional intentional conversation ever.

If not for that conversation, we wouldn’t have traded numbers.

And if we hadn’t traded numbers, she wouldn’t have been able to send me this:

And if I hadn’t received that, I wouldn’t have been a recipient to a blessing from God of a morning spent with honest, loving, touching fellowship with a group of beautiful, wise, God-fearing women.

For such my heart has been longing quite a while.  For the length of my walk with Christ I have never had an opportunity to just sit and share and listen and glean from older Christian women.

This morning was priceless and I’m left in awe of how God orchestrates every seemingly minute detail.  And I am so thankful for the invitation that led to something for which I have been hungering and have now experienced in a very honest, open way.

This hits two points for me.  One was meeting with older women, and the second is encouragement for the group that I am warily hearing God telling me to facilitate and, inadvertently but directedly, lead.  These women are part of a group built on God, prayer, fellowship, and trust, and I, presented with the same eagerness and opportunity, hear God saying we younger women can grow the same if God gives hearts that are willing and desirous of that fellowship.

I’m leery, because I’m no leader.  But I know what He’s calling me to, at the very least, attempt this and trust Him through it—which was the entirety of the conversation had by the group this morning.  Trusting God to deliver, to facilitate, to magnetize, to gather—to orchestrate everything.  Nothing is in my hands except allowing Him to use me.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget this morning and what it meant to me to experience that type of fellowship for the first time and to, again, experience God answering prayers in a very intimate way.

God, thank You for answering prayers, and I just pray You continue to lead me through this journey of becoming more like Your Son.  With You, in You, there is no failure, but the overwhelming sensation of abounding joy and security.

Day 234

Today was like any other day until I received an unexpected message from a friend 800 miles away.  Her sisters—essentially my sisters—had been in a car accident here in Memphis.

She asked that I go to them, and an hour later I was walking as fast my heels could carry me to the ER.  The first sister I saw was standing outside the building, exhausted.  I tried my best not to tear up as I delicately wrapped my arms around her bruised body.

As we walked inside, there the younger sister sat and it took all my strength not to squeeze her to death, elated that she was in one piece—albeit a little bruised, bloodied, and covered in her Starbucks strawberry frappuccino.

As they gathered their belongings, their brother, who had luckily not been in tow with the sisters, and his friends stood up from the uncomfortable chairs.  We all began to edge toward the door, but before we made it out, one of the friends asked, “Can we pray?  I think we should pray…”

We gathered in a circle, listening to the words he spoke, the prayers he prayed over the family, rejoicing over our God who gave them another day.

I mean, right there, in the middle of the hospital, he prayed.  I had never seen that before.

And right there, my heart was like, “Why can’t I do this?”

And then the questions came.

Why don’t I pray more?

Why don’t I pray with others?

Why can’t I pray confidently?

Why don’t I have a group who knows my prayers?

And I couldn’t think of any answers.

For the last two years I’ve wanted so desperately a group of women with whom I could consistently and openly share prayers.  And right now I have so many prayers.

I do great sharing them with God, but who do I really ask to pray with me?  And even though I have that longing, have I done anything to change it?  No…and so today was when I finally thought to myself I’m tired of that longing.

So I took a breath, wrote a message that hopefully displayed my intentions well, and sent it to about 50 women.

I don’t know how quite this will turn out, but much of it is truly just turning over my pride to God, if it doesn’t.  I’m hoping and praying and meditating for what’s to come.  God, this in Your hands, and I’ll move forward in whatever way You direct.  Even if that includes going back to drawing board empty handed.

Day 207

God, I’m going to be blunt.

A husband is at the end of my list right now.  I know, the priority of the girl doing the OYC isn’t a husband right now?!

Gasp.

Yes, that has freaking fallen to the last of my list, because other things have finally taken the front seat!

What?!

Yeah!  A purpose beyond that of being a wife.

God, I need You to give me something I can be passionate about.

I feel and I’ve felt like I’ve been walking aimlessly now for the last…at least…year of my life.

My deepest desire is for the Kingdom.  I just don’t know how to serve it.  I don’t know how to use what I’m good at to save people.

I want to be passionate about something.

I want to be on fire.

I want to make a difference.

I want to change lives.

I want to do whatever You want me to do.

So what is it?

Or are you asking me, still, to wait?

And, if so, wait for what?

What are you showing me in this midst of the silence?

I am begging You…You see me down here on my knees, God?  Give me something to do!

I have at least two people in my life that are passionately pursuing their paths designed from You.  And I am so encouraged and challenged by their hearts.  They are amazing people, Christ!  Now could You please set a desire in me?  Or at least a path to get me to that point?

Where can I serve?  Who can I call out to?  Who can I disciple?

Freakin’ disciple me!  Bring somebody into my life that can lead me, guide me, show me, counsel me, push me!

God, give me these things so I can at least adequately and pursue Your heart!

Little bit frustrated.  Little bit challenged.  Overall excited.  But so desperate to find purpose.  Help, Christ and the Holy Spirit!  Lead me to the fount that will give an answer, a direction…

I love You, and I trust You.  You can do anything.  You can make the impossible, possible.

…my best friends can be saved.

…my family can be saved.

…my brother can be healed.

…I can be healed.

…you can make me a wife.

…and I know You can ignite inside me a passion for something.  Anything!

Let’s start making the impossible, possible, God, like only You can!

Day 123

It was Valentine’s Day, and my boyfriend Dale had set up a scavenger hunt that, at the end of the night, would lead me to him.  Our mutual friend, Smith, was with me throughout the day to ensure I had gotten every piece of the puzzle.

We scoured the city together.  Ate dinner at my favorite restaurant.  And as the evening came to an end, I was led to a plane.  It was a magnanimous moment!

Dale rarely made an effort to make me feel loved—and yet here was a plane!  A testament of his love for me.  I love to fly at night and be eye to eye with the stars.  How special he had noticed!

The plane was small, compact, and Smith and I both boarded.  Together, we flew over the city on our way to Dale.  I was laughing, giddy,that my boyfriend had gone to such an extent.  He had never done anything like this before…  He had never appreciated me so much…  He had never…

And then I realized he hadn’t.

He had never been this sweet, or thoughtful, or romantic…so why now?

No, not now.  Not then.  Not ever.

He hadn’t set up any of this.  So who?

And I turned to Smith.  It was in his eyes.

Throughout the two year relationship I had with Dale, Smith had been right there.  In the background.  Always encouraging his friend to treat me better, to love me more, to sacrifice himself.  Fighting for me.

Because he loved me.

Tonight, he planned everything.  From the scavenger hunt, to dinner, to the night sky flight.  It was him.  Like Cyrano de Bergerac, he had written Dale’s name on the day.  And now, here we sat, side by side, on our way to see the cause of our mutual heartache.

His intentions were not to win me over, not to betray his friend, but just to give me happiness.

I look over at him, his eyes filled with both love and a subtle ache.  He doesn’t realize I know.

As we continue to fly, in quiet, I wonder how I hadn’t known.

The above was from a dream I had last night, but there are traces of reality planted within in.  It’s a reminder of where I was—choosing what looked good on paper over a good heart.

I have 243 days left of my challenge.  And I have changed so much since November, it’s amazing.  My thoughts are clearer, my focus is clearer, and I feel a freedom I’ve never felt before.

It makes me wonder what it’ll be like to date come this November (that is, if I date).  What will be different?  Will I settle?  Will I be too scared to walk away?  Will I have clarity and vision when it comes to dating?

God, I just pray I make good decisions every day.  I pray You’re everywhere, and guiding me, and not letting me sink or settle.  I pray that You bring a great guy into my life—one who loves You completely and is devoted to following Your will for their life.  I pray that You keep me safe.  I pray that You open my eyes to value the right things instead of the things that only look right.

Day 100

The last few days two weeks I've woken up thinking:

You know, I just don't feel like being alive today.


And not in a suicidal way, but in a way that I just don't feel like going through life.  I feel...weak, resigned, distant, meek, and exhausted.

Exhausted is a perfect way to describe me.

I feel like I've been on auto-pilot for the last few weeks.  Doing everything mechanically, like a robot.  Oversleep, be mad I oversleep, drive through horrendous traffic to get to work, coming home, taking care of dogs, laying down, not being able to get a full night's sleep.  All to repeat it.  Smiling rarely throughout it all.  The joy of precious moments is stolen from me.

My joy has been fleeting.

How do I hang onto it?

Sunday was the peak of this feeling for me.  I could barely muster a smile.  I couldn't even fake one.  I couldn't bear to smile or laugh or listen.

All of those required too much energy.

And the last few nights I've been happy just staring at a wall.

A wall has become my entertainment.

What has come over me?  What is this funk?  Not to mention my body is quitting on me in more ways than one.  I feel like I'm disappointing people by not being able to spend time with them.  I've been single for a 100 days.

I've been single for a hundred days.

I would have rejoiced at this day a few weeks ago.

God, where has my joy gone?  And what is this foul emotionlessness that has replaced it?

I miss the old me.  I miss the joy brought by loving You.  But I still love You.  So why am I so stoic?  So empty?  So zoned out?

What is wrong with me?

Day 82

Dear God,

I pray one day when I put on a white dress that it will be to meet someone at the end of the aisle who will love me unconditionally and for the rest of my life.

I pray that You give me someone who will love me, honor me, and protect me.  Most of all I pray that You give me someone who will never walk away.

Because walking away is the easiest thing to do, give me a fighter.

When I walk to him on that day, let us then walk together, toward You, and never away from one another.

Let me never give up.  Let him never throw in the towel.  Let us never walk away from You.

Thanks,
Jamie

Day 80

For the last two months, I’ve ridden the tracks of forgiveness.

On my OYC train, I determined early on it was forgiveness that was going to grow me.

But last night, as my friend and I delved into my past, it became obvious that forgiveness was not for what my heart was searching.  So what was it, this ache so deep, so unnerving?

Wheels turning, heart idle, I replayed scenes, emotions, and thoughts from my life at home in California.

Tempers birthed damaging words.  Infidelity ushered away intimacy.  Absence and neglect grew canyons of nonchalance and defensiveness.

The actions hurt.  But the underlying pain is not the actions themselves.  It is the message my heart received.

YOU ARE NOT LOVED.

The resounding ache of the pain is not the yelling or lying or indifference—though those things do hurt.  It is what they meant, what I saw them to mean.  As a daughter—as their daughter—I was not loved.

And I have spent my life searching for that love I never received.

It wasn’t until God swooped me into His arms, proclaiming, “I love you!” that my weary, destructive, sad search ended.  Only then did I feel loved.  Real love.

Real love.  Worldly love.  There is not even a balance on that scale.  Perfect love and imperfect love.

Somewhere God was whispering to my heart that an act of forgiveness would not heal the relationship with my parents.  Forgiveness implies there is someone to blame, and I don’t blame my parents.  Dominos in the line of Adam, we do not possess the ability to love perfectly, especially those of the world who have not heard the Gospel.

It wasn’t until I even knew the love of God that I could begin to love others.  How could I blame my family for living of the world when they were not shown any differently?  C.S. Lewis shares this in Mere Christianity:

“And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer.  If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.”

I took a wrong turn long, long ago on the road of love.  Being adopted into the family of Christ, my life has been reset.  Flying to California in February is in essence my opportunity to about-turn and try again with this new love in my heart.

I am not searching out love in my parents.  My heart is full in Christ.  And because my heart is full, I am free to love them, knowing that I’m not depending on them or their love or their inability to love.

Progressive love.  Purposeful love.  Intentional love.  I am no longer bound by my unlovedness, but overflowing in the love of Christ.

And I pray, dear God, that You help me intentionally love and honor my family.

“[Love] is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational.  And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better.”  The Love Dare, Stephen and Alex Kendrick

Day 79

Dear God,

Before I lay my head down tonight I want to tell You how much I love You.  I am so thankful for all You have done and all You have given me and all through which You have taken me.

Who would of thought that the journey and the destination could be one in the same?  You are my end, and You are always right beside me.  You have always been right beside me.

You heard my pleas as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult.  You heard my cry for love.  And You have given it to me.  You graced me with humanly love.

But greater than that, You gave me You.  You gave me the Holy Spirit to lead me and You gave me Your love, Your blood, Your Son.  You gave up everything, and You took everything from me.  All the bad, all that I thought was good and You replaced it with You.  You broke down my heart and You are rebuilding it.  Piece by piece, I feel Your hands molding me.  I hear Your voice changing me.  I see Your vision for my life.  The deepest, darkest, loneliest valleys cannot keep me from You.

If You were to take everything from me, I would still love You.  What You have given me, the joy that I've experienced here on earth, the joy I've experienced in You is just a taste of what being with You in Heaven will be like.  I will be with You, my Father, my Lover, my Redeemer.

You answer prayer after ungrateful prayer.  For a father who has not led, You give me men of Your Word who are showing me how to trust and love again in an honest, pure way.  For a childhood spent unloved, You've personally delivered those who love me now.  You keep showing me Your love, letting me sample Your greatness in Your human form.  Formed from Your image, I see You in so many of those around me.  Not idolizing them, but appreciating their hearts for You.  Not comparing myself to them, but loving them.

I used to think You were so selfish.  Praise, worship, revolve.  I used to laugh at You.  And now I see You. I see Your love.  Your grace.  And how You chose me, a sinner, an ugly, desperate sinner, and gave me life.  I suffered so that I see the greatness...the love...the redemption for what it is and for what it can be.  A love so strong, a healing so deep, a relationship so true...this is You.

You are forever my judge, and I am forever Your witness...I am Yours.  Do what You will with my life.  Rip me apart.  Rebuild me.  Carve me.  Develop me.  Hurt me.  Heal me.  Because I know that what You do is all for Your goodness, Your greatness, Your glory.  Let my heart be weighted down by Your love, always remembering Your sacrifice.  Let my choices, my voice resound in echoes of truth and love and kindness.  Let me always be conscious of those around me and how I can best glorify You.  Let my words be wise.  Let my heart be generous.  Let my hands be reaching.

Let my life be not about me.  Let my life be of You.

Let my life shine Your light.

Let me focus on Your will.

Let me not focus on me.

Let me know You so that I may share You.

Let me never forget all You have done.  Let me not forget what brought me here.  Let me be led by You, now and always.

Sin is great, but You are greater.

You are greater, my God, our God.  Our faithful, loving, sweet, sweet Father.

Day 37

My soul will wait for You, Lord (Psalm 130:6), as You wait to be gracious to me (Isaiah 30:18), because blessed am I when I wait on Your will (Isaiah 30:18).  I will wait for You, Lord, and my heart will take courage, because, yes, I am determined to wait for You (Psalm 27:14).  And I will trust You, because I will seek first Your kingdom (Matthew 6:33), and You will hear me, and I will know that You hear me, because I will be so lost in You that my will, will be Yours (1 John 5:14), because You are the greatest love story ever told (Job 33:14).  You are my greatest love story.  My heart is deceptive (Jeremiah 17:9) in its fruitless wants of this world destined to pass, but You are forever (1 John 2:15-17).