Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Day 285

Alice was going to change the world.

A patron saint, she thought.  She had heard that term used before by Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act.  She'd be a patron saint for the young, forgotten, hurting women of the world.

Come to me all who are weary, she would say with open arms and a voice singing to God for others to hear.  Let's introduce you to love—real, unconditional, amazing love.

She had plans.  Big plans.  Big plans that she never would have dreamed of having before God.  God, her Savior, her Mentor, her Father, her Redeemer.  Before Him she had been so lost.  So caught in a world of lies and deceit.  It was from that quarter century of her life spent in pain that the fire to save other young women was born.

Little Alice who had grown up with no friends, who had endured a decade of bullying, whose family had fallen apart, whose own life had crumbled into fiery shambles—it was her who would become the leader she never even anticipated.  Hell, she thought she'd be dead by now.  Leader?  Never, she oft say.  Being a quiet follower, yes, that was where it was at.  Standing in the background, being invisible, quiet, unnoticed.  Even breathing too loudly in a group gave way to flushed cheeks of embarrassment.  Shrouded in a cloak of able evasion—ah, that was where she once felt safest.

Oh, but how He had transformed that!  A riddle to how He had managed to transform her place of safety from a corner hidden away to out in the open, in the front line, in His hands.  In His hands, her worst fear had become her strongest defense against The Enemy and his plans.

And all Alice had done was simply unclench her fists.  Tight fingers became open palms.  And in her palms He placed everything she never knew she wanted.

Impossible became possible.
Unrealistic became reality.

Through Him.  Through His love.

And this is what she wanted so desperately for all the women of the world.  For them to feel His love, His mighty hand.  To open their eyes to His heart for them.


The world is a big feat
, she mused quietly to Him.  But there's a reason the animals marched two by two onto the ark.  There's a reason it was Naomi and Ruth.  One by one, if that's what it took, she would follow Him.  Heart by heart she would pour into, invest, love, encourage, penetrate.

He had taken her, blessed her, redeemed her and given her life purpose by allowing her to be a vessel to do the same for others.  And be a vessel she would, bringing glory to Him all her days.

And apparently, He trusted her with this, because all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she beheld ripe opportunity.

Now was her chance.  Would she do it wholeheartedly, or would she shrink away, repeating the past?  A multitude of questions ran through her mind, but only one mattered…

How much would she trust His faith in her?

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Day 245

If we hadn’t had a guest speaker, we wouldn’t have gotten out early.

If we hadn’t gotten out early, I wouldn’t have been standing idly in the hallway.

If I hadn’t been standing idly in the hallway, I wouldn’t have seen her.

If I hadn’t have seen her, we wouldn’t have had the most unintentional intentional conversation ever.

If not for that conversation, we wouldn’t have traded numbers.

And if we hadn’t traded numbers, she wouldn’t have been able to send me this:


And if I hadn’t received that, I wouldn’t have been a recipient to a blessing from God of a morning spent with honest, loving, touching fellowship with a group of beautiful, wise, God-fearing women.

For such my heart has been longing quite a while.  For the length of my walk with Christ I have never had an opportunity to just sit and share and listen and glean from older Christian women.

This morning was priceless and I’m left in awe of how God orchestrates every seemingly minute detail.  And I am so thankful for the invitation that led to something for which I have been hungering and have now experienced in a very honest, open way.

This hits two points for me.  One was meeting with older women, and the second is encouragement for the group that I am warily hearing God telling me to facilitate and, inadvertently but directedly, lead.  These women are part of a group built on God, prayer, fellowship, and trust, and I, presented with the same eagerness and opportunity, hear God saying we younger women can grow the same if God gives hearts that are willing and desirous of that fellowship.

I’m leery, because I’m no leader.  But I know what He’s calling me to, at the very least, attempt this and trust Him through it—which was the entirety of the conversation had by the group this morning.  Trusting God to deliver, to facilitate, to magnetize, to gather—to orchestrate everything.  Nothing is in my hands except allowing Him to use me.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget this morning and what it meant to me to experience that type of fellowship for the first time and to, again, experience God answering prayers in a very intimate way.


God, thank You for answering prayers, and I just pray You continue to lead me through this journey of becoming more like Your Son.  With You, in You, there is no failure, but the overwhelming sensation of abounding joy and security.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Day 215

Last year, on this day, I received my diagnosis—the one I was hoping against hope wasn’t mine.

But it was, and it changed my life forever.

I stood in the back office at work, sobbing.  I couldn’t control myself though I tried.  The agony, the despair occurred all at once, and it was much too much.  My coworker held me as I bawled.

I had done this to myself, and I could barely live through the consequences.  I felt like my life was over.  My world had become so dark.

I laid awake nights contemplating how much was blessing and how much was curse.  My tears put me to bed most nights, and thoughts were too confused to tally either way.  This is how I would end most of my evenings in those following weeks, curled up, tucked in, and too weary to feel anything but numb.

Strangely, I wasn’t mad at God, though I was often tempted to strike out against Him in more rebellion.  This didn’t feel like punishment from Him, and what kept me from crumbling completely was that, instead, it felt like a dam hedging up a way to an even darker path.

In my troubled thoughts, in my heart, I knew God’s purpose.  He knew I alone couldn’t stop what I was doing, and so He did it for me.  His biggest curse reigned as the biggest blessing of my life, and stands as a mark of true change in my heart and soul for Him.

I died to myself that night in a way I hadn’t before. 

Now I die to myself every day, forced to seek Him daily.  There are many times I still struggle, but I am tethered to Him in a manner permanent in nature.

Who will ever love me?  Trust me.
Who will ever want me?  Trust me.
Will I ever be married?  Trust me.
Will I ever do anything worthwhile?  Trust me.
Will I have to sacrifice this to gain this?  Trust me.
Am I beautiful?  Trust me.
Will people like me?  Trust me.
Will people trust me?  Trust me.
Will I be rejected? Trust me.
Who am I to the world?  No, trust me.

God is good.  God loves us.  And shows us in the most unexpected ways.  Though I would not wish my story on anyone else, it is mine, and it is the love story that brought me back to Him.  And how could anything that brings us back to Him be bad?


Happy anniversary, baby girl.  You thought you’d be dead by now, the suffering too deep to stand, but you’ve made it.  Look at all you’ve accomplished, all through which you’ve come.  I know it still hurts and you fight daily to see yourself in God’s eyes, but never stop fighting.