But it was, and it changed my life forever.
I stood in the back office at work, sobbing. I couldn’t control myself though I
tried. The agony, the despair occurred all
at once, and it was much too much. My
coworker held me as I bawled.
I had done this to myself, and I could barely live
through the consequences. I felt like my
life was over. My world had become so
dark.
I laid awake nights contemplating how much was blessing and how much was curse. My tears put me to bed most
nights, and thoughts were too confused to tally either way. This is how I would end most of my evenings
in those following weeks, curled up, tucked in, and too weary to feel anything
but numb.
Strangely, I wasn’t mad at God, though I was often tempted to strike out against Him in more rebellion. This didn’t feel like punishment from Him, and what kept me from crumbling completely was that, instead, it felt like a dam hedging up a way to an even darker path.
In my troubled thoughts, in my heart, I knew God’s
purpose. He knew I alone couldn’t stop
what I was doing, and so He did it for me.
His biggest curse reigned as the biggest blessing of my life, and stands
as a mark of true change in my heart and soul for Him.
I died to myself that night in a way I hadn’t
before.
Now I die to myself every day, forced to seek Him daily. There are many times I still struggle, but I
am tethered to Him in a manner permanent in nature.
Who will ever love me?
Trust me.
Who will ever want me?
Trust me.
Will I ever be married?
Trust me.
Will I ever do anything worthwhile? Trust
me.
Will I have to sacrifice this to gain this? Trust
me.
Am I beautiful? Trust me.
Will people like me?
Trust me.
Will people trust me?
Trust me.
Will I be rejected?
Trust me.
Who am I to the world? No, trust me.
God is good. God
loves us. And shows us in the most unexpected
ways. Though I would not wish my story
on anyone else, it is mine, and it is the love story that brought me back to
Him. And how could anything that brings
us back to Him be bad?
Happy anniversary,
baby girl. You thought you’d be dead by
now, the suffering too deep to stand, but you’ve made it. Look at all you’ve accomplished, all through
which you’ve come. I know it still hurts
and you fight daily to see yourself in God’s eyes, but never stop fighting.
