For the last two months, I’ve ridden the tracks of forgiveness.
On my OYC train, I determined early on it was forgiveness
that was going to grow me.
But last night, as my friend and I delved into my past,
it became obvious that forgiveness was not for what my heart was searching. So what was it, this ache so deep, so unnerving?
Wheels turning, heart idle, I replayed scenes, emotions,
and thoughts from my life at home in California.
Tempers birthed damaging words. Infidelity ushered away intimacy. Absence and neglect grew canyons of
nonchalance and defensiveness.
The actions hurt.
But the underlying pain is not the actions themselves. It is the message my heart received.
YOU ARE NOT LOVED.
The resounding ache of the pain is not the yelling or
lying or indifference—though those things do hurt. It is what they meant, what I saw them to
mean. As a daughter—as their daughter—I was
not loved.
And I have spent my life searching for that love I never
received.
It wasn’t until God swooped me into His arms,
proclaiming, “I love you!” that my weary, destructive, sad search ended. Only then did I feel loved. Real love.
Real love. Worldly
love. There is not even a balance on
that scale. Perfect love and imperfect
love.
Somewhere God was whispering to my heart that an act of
forgiveness would not heal the relationship with my parents. Forgiveness implies there is someone to blame,
and I don’t blame my parents. Dominos in
the line of Adam, we do not possess the ability to love perfectly, especially
those of the world who have not heard the Gospel.
It wasn’t until I even knew the love of God that I could
begin to love others. How could I blame
my family for living of the world when they were not shown any differently? C.S. Lewis shares this in Mere Christianity:
“And if you have taken a wrong
turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means
doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the
man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.”
I took a wrong turn long, long ago on the road of love. Being adopted into the family of Christ, my
life has been reset. Flying to
California in February is in essence my opportunity to about-turn and try again
with this new love in my heart.
I am not searching out love in my parents. My heart is full in Christ. And because my heart is full, I am free to love
them, knowing that I’m not depending on them or their love or their inability
to love.
Progressive love.
Purposeful love. Intentional love. I am no longer bound by my unlovedness, but overflowing
in the love of Christ.
And I pray, dear God, that You help me intentionally love
and honor my family.
“[Love] is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational. And when love is truly demonstrated as it was
intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better.” The Love Dare, Stephen and Alex Kendrick
