You know, I just don't feel like being alive today.
And not in a suicidal way, but in a way that I just don't feel like going through life. I feel...weak, resigned, distant, meek, and exhausted.
Exhausted is a perfect way to describe me.
I feel like I've been on auto-pilot for the last few weeks. Doing everything mechanically, like a robot. Oversleep, be mad I oversleep, drive through horrendous traffic to get to work, coming home, taking care of dogs, laying down, not being able to get a full night's sleep. All to repeat it. Smiling rarely throughout it all. The joy of precious moments is stolen from me.
My joy has been fleeting.
How do I hang onto it?
Sunday was the peak of this feeling for me. I could barely muster a smile. I couldn't even fake one. I couldn't bear to smile or laugh or listen.
All of those required too much energy.
And the last few nights I've been happy just staring at a wall.
A wall has become my entertainment.
What has come over me? What is this funk? Not to mention my body is quitting on me in more ways than one. I feel like I'm disappointing people by not being able to spend time with them. I've been single for a 100 days.
I've been single for a hundred days.
I would have rejoiced at this day a few weeks ago.
God, where has my joy gone? And what is this foul emotionlessness that has replaced it?
I miss the old me. I miss the joy brought by loving You. But I still love You. So why am I so stoic? So empty? So zoned out?
What is wrong with me?
