Day 360

I watched the changing colors of the morning's sunrise.  The light blue mingled with the fading orange, and a cool breeze met my cheek.

As I admired the sky sparsely peppered with feathered clouds, sadness plucked at my heart and thankfulness lapped at its hinges.

A week from today my one year challenge will be over.  This chapter will come to an end, leaving another to begin.

This portion of my life is a difficult one.  Probably the most difficult of all my years.  My father's ailing health.  The distance between where I am and where I want to be.  Fading friendships.  Failing friendships.  Friendships that never begin.  Overwhelmed by responsibilities within a calling for which I'm not sure I am ready.  Struggling to be a leader, a lover, a mother, and sister.  A car engine that refuses to be healthy.  Not to mention the problems of the world.  A flooded New Orleans.  A pain-stricken economy.  A new natural disaster stealing lives and well-being.  The world itself seems to be imploding.

When you become a believer the problems of the world and every day personal struggles do not simply melt away.

Christians have it no easier than any other religion, no easier than atheists.  Our lives are filled with equal hardships.  It's not suddenly that we believe in God and the Christ who gave His life for us and we're rewarded with plentiful bounties here on earth where suddenly our relationships are perfect, we're promoted at work, or that Bentley we've always wanted sits in our drive-way.

No, to become a believer means something deeper.  And I have spent this year seeking.

This wasn't just a dating fast.  This wasn't just me struggling to be single.  This was a journey of purpose, seeking what is true love and life everlasting.

I have looked through the world with the eyes of a soul who knows that at the end of this life, at the end of this world, there is a God who loves us perfectly and has plans for us.  Plans for us to sit beside Him.  Plans for no more pain, no more suffering.

Life is not to be lived under the reigns of SINGLE or MARRIED.

But HIS.

Our short lives are lived out under the scope of eternity, and while we're here, it's a balance of mattering the least, but of what we do mattering the most.

My heart has changed eternally and no record could adequately share what is now His or all I have learned.

Only of this am I sure, that when one fasts from that on earth which holds the most meaning, they are sure to never be the same.

Day 358

Free-heart

Let him be past all his past relationships, his heart free from resentment, pining, and unfinished business.

It took me three years to get over him.

Mistakenly, I dated men throughout the process.  I tried to heal myself through them, both directly and indirectly.

Directly, I tried to change them, suffering from comparing everything they were doing to everything that had been done.  Trying to let their love and acceptance and validation overwhelm the unmovable rejection and hurt.  The more I tried to heal from their love the worse the hurt became, and the more I tried to change them in a preemptive attempt to prevent the coming end of the relationship.

And even through it all sometimes I would think, "I really miss him." While someone else held me, wishing that it was him instead, cheating my current beau out of purity and devotion.  My mind wandered, my heart still too deep in my past to give to anyone else.

And because I've worked on my heart, my obedience to God, set my determination to let myself be loved by Him, I ask for this in a husband.  I pray for a man who has devoted His life and His heart to God.  Someone who has spent time relinquishing the past.  Someone who harbors no hurt feelings.  I do not wish for someone perfect, but someone who is ready to give his heart to me with no discrepancies, no unreal expectations, and no attachments.  A freed heart.

You can't give your heart to someone new when it belongs to someone else.  Rule one.  Rule two is, you shouldn't let someone into your heart until you've given it completely to God.  Give it, as broken as it may have been, giving the peace back to the Healer, letting Him bandage the wounds.  Letting Him heal your heart.  Not expecting me to do that for you.  Not wishing you were still with her.  Not seeing her out and wishing that was you beside her.

Two hearts, new to each other, would do well to release all hurt prior to their meeting, so that availability to be loved can be met with a freshness and a chance to bloom.

Day 356

Loneliness

Let him be a man who will not date me out of loneliness, but out of true interest.

I have dated men out of loneliness.

But what is a relationship born out of loneliness?

Misery.  Misery from unmeetable expectations from an unrealistic responsibility.

When you date out of loneliness, you are not asking anything of your partner except for company.  You are not interested in character, or habits, but just the mere presence of someone—anyone.  And those who move quickly often deny their non-negotiables whereas those willing to wait—though they wait—will be much more satisfied in who they have awaited.

Where before it was about mere occupancy, now it becomes about something much deeper.

Character.

And be assured that character and vacancy are not on the same clock.  A date born out of loneliness meets its expiration immediately, whereas a date set on character affords mileage to be had, and, truly, a merrier ride.

Day 355

Intimidation

Let him be not intimidated by my spirit or walk with Christ, having diligently pursued God in his own life.

　

The older generations always seem so sad when they find that I’m single.

Suggestions, advice—even an occasional grunt is uttered in response to my news that finds them not so well.

Recently, a man asked, “Miss Jamie, do you think that you’re intimidating?”

I thought, curious.

He quickly made sure I knew it was a compliment, and went on his way.  But the question lingered.

Is it a bad thing, if it is the case, to intimidate men?

The world doesn’t glamorize strong women.  It makes fun of them.  Instead beautiful women are idolized and are more easily ranked among the most wanted.  But strong?

What man wants a strong woman?

And then it came to me.  A strong man.

A man who is strong in his own right, a man who is secure in himself, a man secure in a Christ who saved Him and loves him—that is the man strong enough to handle a strong woman.

In many ways, as God always finds a way to shield and protect, if this is the case, that I intimidate men, I should find myself in good company.  He has given me assurance that a man who approaches me will be securely invested in Him, knowing who He is, and who he is, before wanting to know who I am.

To appreciate my beauty, he’ll have to know Christ.
To appreciate my past, he’ll have to be secure in Christ.
To appreciate my present, he’ll have to see through the eyes of Christ.
To appreciate my personality, he’ll have to know the character of God.

To know me, truly, he must know Him who made me.

My heart seeks he who can lead me.  And until one finds me, it is upon only Him that I rest myself, my soul always enjoying the intimacy of His love.

Day 354

Shyness

Let him be a man who desires to pursue in spite of my shy nature.

I have faith that God can use what we think is a personality blip for His glory and for our good.

Never have I liked being the center of attention.  Instead, a comfy wall offers more comfort.  To survive school, I trained myself to be unheard and unseen, resting into the backdrop in the lives of others.

So this is why it must send me into shock when, from across a crowded room, an attractive single man notices me.

A smile sends me into a panic.

A wave flushes my cheek with color.

And conversation makes my heart palpitate as if I just sprinted a mile.

My motor functions fail and I stare blankly in response or dart away into another grocery aisle in avoidance.

I cannot help but wonder if this shyness is God's cloaking, for what man will take notice of me, a shadow?

He who pursues will have to have a heart of determination and an eye set to find me.

His way will be hedged up, fortitude his friend.  To pursue that which seems unpursuable, one must desire to invest, for no one invests lightly.  A lackadaisical investment does not exist as the word itself calls for true interest, energy, time, and passion.

A man interested in an easy quest will learn all too quickly I'm not what he wants.  And for that I'm thankful.

Day 12

Tired and lazy tonight.  I just want to curl up and go to bed.  Can’t really think, so here are some “bullet” thoughts for you.

I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.  Holidays are always difficult.  I don’t have family in Memphis.  I’m fine with it—I know that seems weird.  My family is on the west coast.  “Oh, don’t you miss California?” strangers ask.  No, I don’t.  I appreciate my past, but California really didn’t offer me much of anything.  It never felt like home to me.  Moving to Memphis was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  This is home, five years and counting.  Dorothy crashed in Oz and wanted to go home.  Going to back Cali—hmmm, I don’t think so.

If you could only see.  As you get older it becomes that much more difficult not only to find friends but to keep them.  That’s not one of the perks of moving to a new state when you’re older.  My pride is hurt the most when I try and reach out to people and they don’t reach back.  I’ve felt the sting before—it’s kind of like dating a man, thinking I’m not good enough—but part of me knows that’s not true.  God puts specific people in your life at specific times for specific purposes.  To force a friendship is not to have a friendship at all.  You're stretching out your arms to something that's just not there.  So, I am going to focus on the friendships I have, not be hurt about the ones not evolving, and appreciate the grace God has definitely delivered within the last couple of months. 

To my husband.  Last Sunday, listening to Andy Stanley was really difficult.  It broke my heart.  He told us one day we would meet someone we want to marry, which means one day we will have to reveal our story.  All of it.  Pain and everything.  “So what kind of story do you want to tell?” he asked.  I wrote down what he said next (which is funny—if you know Andy, it took me about 20 times replaying sermon #3 to fully write this down).  This is who I want to be:

I decided my story was going to be a different story.  And in spite of my past and my guilt and my sin that day I decided I want to learn to honor God with my body, and I signed up that day in my heart from this point forward as difficult as it's going to be, as strange as it's going to be, as dateless and as quiet and as lonely as it's going to be I want to honor God with my body specifically in the area of my sexuality—and that day you'll be able to say to your future spouse, you ready for this? I'm telling you this is a good story, that day you will be able to say—from that day forward I prepared for you, from that day forward I saved and reserved myself, my affection, my love and my body, for you.  From that day forward I dated with you in mind.  And as I have learned to honor God with my body before I say I do to you, I am ready to honor God with my body after I say I do with you...I have been from that moment on preparing for you.

Way before I heard this message, I started to keep a journal for my future husband.  Yes, a journal for my future husband.  I began in June, one of the most difficult months of my life.  I started praying for him months ago.  Not just to have him, but for his heart, for his walk, for his struggles.  I pray for us, for our marriage.  I write down scripture that’s important to me.  And one day I’ll be able to share it all with him.  One day, I’ll share how I waited for him in more ways than one.

The journal I keep for him.

Commercial appeal.  Last night I was sitting on my couch, watching TV.  I had this warm feeling come over me, and I saw, like a dream, a vision of me standing outside under a tree.  It was night and before me was a man on one knee.  I started crying.  I can’t explain it and I know that sounds crazy, but in that one moment I felt like God was reassuring me.  I’ve felt this same feeling twice before—this warm, light, loving feeling.  I can’t explain it.  And it’s funny, because after I opened my eyes on the television was a Kay Jewelers commercial.  That was funny, God. Thanks for that moment.  Reassurance.