Tired and lazy tonight.
I just want to curl up and go to bed.
Can’t really think, so here are some “bullet” thoughts for you.
I don’t think we’re
in Kansas anymore. Holidays are
always difficult. I don’t have family in
Memphis. I’m fine with it—I know that
seems weird. My family is on the west coast. “Oh, don’t you miss California?”
strangers ask. No, I don’t. I appreciate my past, but California really
didn’t offer me much of anything. It
never felt like home to me. Moving to
Memphis was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. This is home, five years and counting. Dorothy crashed in Oz and wanted to go home. Going to back Cali—hmmm, I don’t think so.
If you could only
see. As you get older it becomes
that much more difficult not only to find friends but to keep them. That’s not one of the perks of moving to a
new state when you’re older. My pride is
hurt the most when I try and reach out to people and they don’t reach
back. I’ve felt the sting before—it’s
kind of like dating a man, thinking I’m not good enough—but part of me knows
that’s not true. God puts specific
people in your life at specific times for specific purposes. To force a friendship is not to have a
friendship at all.
You're stretching out your
arms to something that's just not there.
So, I am going to focus on the friendships I have,
not be hurt about the ones
not
evolving, and appreciate the grace God has definitely delivered within the
last couple of months.
To my husband. Last Sunday, listening to
Andy Stanley was
really difficult. It broke my
heart. He told us one day we would meet
someone we want to marry, which means one day we will have to reveal our
story. All of it. Pain and everything. “So what kind of story do you want to tell?”
he asked. I wrote down what he said next
(which is funny—if you know Andy, it took me about 20 times replaying
sermon #3 to fully write this
down). This is who I want to be:
I decided my story was going
to be a different story. And in spite of
my past and my guilt and my sin that day I decided I want to learn to honor God
with my body, and I signed up that day in my heart from this point forward as
difficult as it's going to be, as strange as it's going to be, as dateless and
as quiet and as lonely as it's going to be I want to honor God with my body specifically
in the area of my sexuality—and that day you'll be able to say to your future
spouse, you ready for this? I'm telling you this is a good story, that day you
will be able to say—from that day forward I prepared for you, from that day
forward I saved and reserved myself, my affection, my love and my body, for
you. From that day forward I dated with
you in mind. And as I have learned to
honor God with my body before I say I do to you, I am ready to honor God with
my body after I say I do with you...I have been from that moment on preparing
for you.
Way before I heard this message, I started to keep a journal
for my future husband. Yes, a journal
for my
future husband. I began in June, one of the most difficult
months of my life. I started praying
for him months ago. Not just to have him, but for his heart, for his walk, for his struggles. I pray for us, for our marriage. I write down scripture that’s important to
me. And one day I’ll be able to share it
all with him. One day, I’ll share how I waited for him in more ways than one.
 |
| The journal I keep for him. |
Commercial appeal. Last night I was sitting on my couch,
watching TV. I had this warm feeling
come over me, and I saw, like a dream, a vision of me standing outside under a
tree. It was night and before me was a
man on one knee. I started crying. I can’t explain it and I know that sounds
crazy, but in that one moment I felt like God was reassuring me. I’ve felt this same feeling twice before—this
warm, light, loving feeling. I can’t
explain it. And it’s funny, because after I opened my eyes on the television
was a Kay Jewelers commercial. That was
funny, God. Thanks for that moment. Reassurance.
